nbc

Horror Headlines: Monday June 24th, 2013

This past weekend I watched "The Last Stand" and it was awesome, because Arnold Schwarzenegger, and no amount of baby making with the housekeeper can make that not a fact. And "Maggie", a new film about a young girl who gets infected by a zombie and has 6 months before she turns, will be awesome as well because Arnold has signed on to star in the film. I assume he'll be the girl's father or something. Honestly he could play the little girl and the movie would still be awesome.

Friday, October 25th is the date that you'll be able to sit down and watch NBC's "Dracula" for the very first time. It'll see a short 10 episode run before being canceled I'm assuming based on the fact that it's premiering on the night they put shows to die and If you can't guess the basic plot of the show then I want you to leave my site right now. Let's move on.

I always assume Nicolas Winding Refn is German but to be honest I have no idea where the guy is from. But despite being about vikings (I think) "Valhalla Rising" seemed very German and now he's talking about a sequel that will somehow take place in Tokyo which will also find a way to be super German. I wonder what the fog in Tokyo looks like. If you don't get that joke just trust me, it's hilarious.

Brad Pitt has dropped the news that there's a solid chance that there would be a "World War Z" sequel. The first movie, which made $66 million this past weekend, only scratches the surface of the book... so another film, and probably more could be tossed out if the price is right. I'd honestly watch 2 hours of Brad Pitt doing his taxes and love it so I'm on board.

In Real People News: 

Kickstarter has apologized for not taking down a guy's site that raised $16,000 for a book he plans to write about "getting awesome with woman". The book apparently promotes shoving woman "HARD", caveman-ing them and all kinds of other things. So ya know, people gave him money for that.

A Pennsylvanian woman recently opened up a bag of potatoes she bought at Walmart and discovered a snake was hiding out. I love potatoes. I hate snakes. Snakes ruin everything that is good in this world. I will now live the rest of my life thinking that there is a snake hiding in every box and bag that I open. Thanks for ruining Cheetos for me, snakes. You pricks.

Horror Headlines: Monday January 7th, 2013

Every time I watch an episode of "Shahs of Sunset" a little bit of me dies. Just to be clear I've watched every episode this season. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror.

The internerds are all a flutter about a new rumor floating around that Mark Frost and David Lynch are in talks with NBC to revive the "Twin Peaks" series for a third season. Whether or not the rumors are true remain to be seen but if they are it sounds like Lynch is hoping most or all of the original cast will return and the series will pick after the same amount of time it's been since the show went off the air. I never watched the show so I really don't have anything funny to tack on here. Kyle MacLachlan looks like he wears women's underwear though.

If you've been waiting around with baited breath for the new A&E series "Bates Motel" well I have good news for your and your mouth. The show will finally hit the airwaves on March 18th for your viewing pleasure. I mean it's not great news. The series based on the Alfred Hitchcock's classic film "Psycho" is still a couple months away. And it won't be on till 10 pm. So you still have some waiting to do. I'm sorry I got your hopes up.

It sounds like NBC may not be done with a reboot of "The Munsters" series after all. Days after it was announced they would not be moving forward with Bryan Fuller's "Mockingbird Lane" the channels main man Bob Greenblatt came out saying they won't rule out do another show based on the series. He went on to say he likes the idea of a new show but "Mockingbird Lane" just didn't work. So kind of a big "it's not me it's you" to Fuller. He then returned all of Fuller's t-shirts that he had in his closet. And tore all the pictures of the two of them together in half. It was really ugly.

So "Texas Chainsaw 3D" brought the ruckas big time this weekend at the box office. The new sequel, retelling or whatever the hell you want to call it of Tobe Hooper's classic 1974 chainsaw romp took in $23 million this past weekend making it number 1, beating out "Django Unchained" and "The Hobbit" and pretty much guaranteeing we'll see sequel. Or a threequil. Or a prequel? I saw the flick and I honestly have no idea what to call it.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to rob a store you might want to come up with a get away plan that doesn't involve calling your mom and asking for a ride. I mean you obviously set up a time for your mom to meet you. Moms are never late. Unless it's on a sitcom and you're getting out of soccer practice. That's just common knowledge.

Two California teen girls are under arrest after they drugged their parents milkshake so they could get onto the internet. I'm not saying I condone this but I understand. Sometimes you really just need to watch some porn.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, February 16th, 2012

Twice this week a girl has sat next to me on the bus and then gotten up and moved to a different seat after being next to me for about 20 minutes. I'm fairly sure it was the same girl. She got on at the same stop both times and this morning I saw her contemplate standing rather than sitting next to me. The first time it happened I was wearing a larger coat so I chalked it up to me taking up most of the seat. But today I was wearing a thinner one and even tried to push myself up against the wall so she had more room. I don't think I smell but who knows.

If I ever decide to be come a cannibal I'm going to catch the next flight to Laurence Fishburne's house. I bet he would be delicious. And we'll all get to find out when he and Kevin Zegers star in "The Colony", a new flick about a group of survivors living in an underground bunker after the ice age hits trying to fight off a group of cannibals. Deals are not confirmed yet but they look to be locking in sometime in the near future. I don't even think he would need much seasoning...

NBC is banking on "Hannibal" being a hit with the kids and has decided to green light the show for a full series of 13 episodes. The show will be based on the classic characters from the "Red Dragon" novel and will focus on the relationship between Will Graham and his mentor Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Kind of like "Will and Grace" with murdering.

Lara Flynn Boyle is going to play a weed dealing witch in the new film "Black Forest: Hansel and Gretel & the 420 Witch". I have no idea what else to say about that.

I haven't heard much about the new movie "Chernobyl Diaries" but it sounds pretty bad ass. The film is about a group of friends who are stuck in the city of Prypiat in the aftermath of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. How the hell they got there I have no idea but it looks like they're not alone. Ohh spooky! The film has been just been given a May 25th release date and stars a bunch of people I've never heard of but I'm sure are super hot. Catch the fever.

In Real People News: 

There's nothing funny about death and it's sad that Whitney Houston is gone. What is hilarious though is this woman in England who set her house on fire with a candle she had lit to honor the singer. I can't think of any Whitney Houston songs with the word "fire" in the title but if you know one feel free to make your own joke.

And here's an adorable picture of a puppy sleeping. It looks just like a penis. An adorable penis.

Horror Headlines: Friday, February 3rd, 2012

This Sunday is the Super Bowl and I could not be more excited. Not about the stupid game or that witch Madonna prancing around in her mom jeans during half time. No it's a special day when I can really tie one on and eat the most awful things in the world. Not that that doesn't happen on a lot of other days but on Super Bowl Sunday you don't have to feel as bad about it. I'm pretty sure there's some kind of internal calendar that makes a 12 pack and 37 wings not count against your calorie intake for the day.

In a recent poll that I conducted in my head it was determined that 100% of women in America hate Katherine Heigl. The number 1 reason? I think she's hot and women hate any woman that takes my attention away from them. What a country! So no woman is going to want to see "Face Blind", which stars Heigl as a woman who suffers from a rare illness that makes it impossible for her to distinguish people by their faces. Do you have dreams where you have this and everyone looks like me? I bet you do. Silly goose.

I can't think of anyone who's actually excited about the NBC reboot of "The Munsters" but then again I don't really talk to a lot of people. If you're not up to speed the show is going to be based on the original TV series that focused on a family of monsters but will have a much darker tone. And today it looks like NBC has announced they'll be calling the show "Mockingbird Lane" rather than sticking with the original title. They're also dropping all the monsters and making the show about a group of college girls trying to make it on their own. That last part is just a guess.

A lot of people thought "Insidious" was a dandy movie. But then again a lot of people think those LMFAO jackasses are talented. What the hell is with the robot!? But just as they will keep making music it looks like James Wan will return for the inevitable sequel to least year's surprise hit. No plot or cast has been announced but it looks like the same production team and writer Leigh Whannell will return. I just hope they get that weird red faced guy to return also. And that old lady who screwed Woody Harrelson in "Kingpin". She always makes me laugh.

Octavia Spencer is Hollywood's sweetheart right now and I have nothing bad to say about that. Other than her eyes kind of freak me out. But that's it. So here's some news about her joining the cast of "Snow Piercer", a movie about a group trapped on a train after the world is frozen over. Tilda Swinton is in the movie too. She also kind of weirds me out but seems very nice. We all learned something about each other today didn't we?

In Real People News: 

A Florida woman is under arrest after she refused to take a breathalyzer claiming she was incapable of taking one "with her big boobies". There's a mug shot in the article. It's extremely disappointing.

I don't know what the definition of a "happy ending" is for massage parlors in Pennsylvania but I'm 99% sure it doesn't involve shooting the customer in the head. I don't know for sure though. They call their subs "hoagies" out there. Freaks.

Horror Headlines: Friday, January 13th, 2012

Hey it's Friday the 13th! I completely forgot that when I got dressed this morning and just randomly put on my Jason mask t-shirt. Now I feel like that guy who wears the shirt of the band he's going to see to their concert. Only more white trash. Unless that band is White Trash, who had the second most popular song about pie in the 90's.

I wish I could stop talking about Daniel Radcliffe. I'd give anything really. But here's a new clip from "The Woman In Black", which stars the little bugger as a lawyer sent to a remote village to sort out the paperwork of a recently deceased client. In the clip he's all napping and looking so god damn cute I could just squeeze him. Oh here I go again! What did the doctor tell me? Oh yeah. I should want to invite Daniel Radcliffe over for dinner. I shouldn't want to cut into him, and wear his skin as a Key to other worlds and dimensions.

Ah crap. NBC has put in a order for a new series based on everyone's favorite blood sucker, Dracula. The show, which is cleverly titled "Dracula" is being described as "Dangerous Liaisons meets The Tudors" or in "Joe Terms" a movie I never saw crossed with a TV show that made me feel like I had just eaten a box of Fig Newtons and washed it down with a Fresca. Think about that for a few minutes.

Speaking of things that make me feel like less of a man here's a new look at Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket from the upcoming big screen adaptation of "The Hunger Games". I don't know why it makes me feel like less of a man but when I look at the picture I feel like I should say things like "No white pants after Labor Day" and "Oh I can't wait for Fashion Week".

In Real People News: 

I love the movie "Fargo" but apparently not as much as this guy in California who got himself pulled into a wood chipper. Of course he died, which is awful. I only hope someday if I died in a strange way some prick on the internet will post the new article about it with some stupid sarcastic movie reference. It's kind of a dream of mine.

And here's a story about a woman who is under arrest after she bit two children at a California book store. Serves them right for going into a book store. That kind of crap doesn't happen at video game stores where kids should be.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday November 22nd, 2011

The 10 part Scandinavian series "Real Humans" has yet to actually air but it looks like it's already been picked up for a US remake. The show is set in a workplace where robots have become so human that they've become an integrated part of society. Is it too late to make an Al Gore joke? That's really all I got here.

I haven't watched the NBC series "Grimm" but I enjoy the commercials for it and therefore consider myself the show's biggest fan. So I couldn't be more excited to hear the news that the good people at the NB of C's have decided to pick up the show for a full season. The show follows a detective who discovers he can see some humans as beasts and is determined to protect the rest of us from them. Really, the commercials are delightful, you should check them out.

Listen closely and you can hear BGH's own Casey jumping up and down like a school girl. Why you might ask is he doing this? Because a new book "The Hammer Vault" is hitting stores next month for his and your reading pleasure. Written by Hammer Film historian Marcus Hearn, the book outlines the full history of the classic film company with tons of photos and stories from the people who were there. It might be time for me to finally learn how to read. But how do you write the news, Joe, you might ask? And why are you using the same joke from a few months back? Shut your face.

And here's a new trailer for "The Woman In Black" staring Daniel Radcliffe. I've run out of Harry Potter jokes so just make up your own. Something about a wizard's cap and wand. Maybe something about a broom going somewhere it shouldn't.

In Real People News: 

Ghosts need love too my friends. Sometime they need more than love. This 73 year old woman in England says the ghost haunting her needs to grope her in fact. So much so that she hasn't been able to sleep for the past 4 months. Ghosts with old lady fetishes! What a country! That was a Yakov Smirnoff impression.

A Wyoming high school coach is stepping down after parents were outraged by a "Hurt Feelings Report" he handed out to his players after a loss. A report asking you why your feelings are hurt sounds strange, yes, but it's the options for why the report was being filled out that were included that got him into trouble. For example, "I'm a pussy", "I'm a cry baby" and "I want my mommy". Not going to lie, this guy sounds awesome.

Horror Headlines: Thursday November 17th, 2011

A few weeks back we talked about how it looked like "The Munsters" would once again be coming to the small screen in the form of a new TV series. Well it looks like NBC has finally given the new project, which promises to be a darker version of the classic black and white show, the thumbs up. No word yet on cast but Bryan Fuller, who brought you "Pushing Daisies" will be leading the project. Or don't you remember our talks? It's not just physical for me you know!

To up the hotness level of his new film "Pacific Rim" Guillermo del Toro has added Ron Perlman to the cast list. The movie is an epic battle giant robots vs. giant monsters and I will officially start taking bets to to which one Perlman will play.

It's no surprise that a big screen version of "Catching Fire", the second book in the 3 part "Hunger Games" series, is already being produced. It might be a surprise that Simon Beaufoy, the writer of "Slumdog Millionaire", is being eyed to adapt the book. I say it might be a surprise because I assume you're all racist and terrible people. I didn't even bat an eye at the news. I guess I just don't see things the way you do.

One of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me was farting in the middle of science class in the fifth grade. Luckily the teacher had stepped out of the room but unfortunately it was during the middle of a test so the room was dead silent. I don't think I ever got over that. By the way, here's some behind the scenes photos from the set of Rob Zombie's "Lords Of Salem".

In Real People News: 

I had no idea that you could get high off of bath salts but apparently you can. Apparently the high also puts you in a festive spirit because this guy in Ohio got all doped up on them, broke into a home and set up Christmas decorations. I don't think I see any down side to this.

Here's a story about a black guy in Florida who dressed up as a Klan member and burned a cross on his front lawn to scare his wife. Insane? Yes, but you have to imagine it worked.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday November 8th, 2011

Good news Harry Potter fans! Mr. Elijah Wood has been confirmed to be taking on the lead role in the upcoming "Maniac" remake. Yes I know he didn't play the little wizard boy but now that I mention it they do kind of look alike right? Man it's fun to do things. A remake of the 1980 cult classic, Wood will play the role of a serial killer who stalks his pray while experiencing strange hallucinations. Avada Kedavra!

Ryan O'Nan is the latest name to be added to the ever growing cast list of "Frozen Ground". The film, which stars John Cusak and Nicolas Cage tells the story of a real life serial killer who hunted people like game on his land in Alaska. O'Nan will play a state trooper who helps with the hunt. I don't think I've ever seen a movie this guy was in so I'm really drawing a blank on any witty comments. I'm sorry I've let you down.

It's time to throw another shrimp on the barbie and drink a spot of tea! Why you might ask? Because the 1978 Australian flick "Patrick" is getting the remake treatment. The movie, which tells the story of a man who starts to flex his psychokinetic powers when he goes into a coma after killing his mother and her lover, will have a release date sometime in 2012 and will be directed by Mark Hartley. A cast is already shaping up and right now I don't see Paul Hogan's name anywhere on the list but I assume it's only a matter of time.

NBC has given the thumbs up to a new series titled "Hannibal" which will be based on everyone's favorite cannibal Hannibal Lecter. The show will skip the whole pilot process and go directly to 13 episodes in the hopes that the kids will go gaga for it. Not little kids though. It would be weird if you sat a 3 year old down to watch a show about a guy who eats people. That's just how I parent though. I'm not judging you.

In Real People News: 

We've all been so in love that when our better half decides to leave us we feel like ending it all. If you're going to go all the way though pick a better solution then this guy in Florida who decided to overdose on Flintstone Vitamins. Not only will you not die, you'll probably be in better shape and might even live forever.

A Texas mechanic is in hot water after he took a bunch of up-skirt photos of a costumer while she was waiting for her... lube job. not going to lie, I'm a little confused. Based on numerous movies I was under the impression girls not only enjoyed this sort of thing while at the auto shop, they rewarded it in a big big way.

Horror Headlines: Monday January 31st, 2011

If you're a fan of Platinum Dunes remakes then prepare to get pumped! The gang expects to have a script ready for a remake of the childhood classic "Monster Squad" sometime this week. For those of you who aren't fans though I'd like to invite you over to my apartment for a delightful buffet style lunch this afternoon.

Chan-wook Park's first English language film "Stoker" now has a leading lady with Mia Wasikowska landing the role of a girl who has to deal with a strange uncle who shows up after her fathers passing. Unfortunately Wasikowska hasn't really appeared in any really ridiculous films so I'm drawing a blank on sarcastic comments. Sorry folks.

NBC has picked up the pilot for "Grimm", a cop drama that takes place in a world where characters based on the Brothers Grimm's stories are real. The show will be produced by some of the same folks that brought you "Angel" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" which I will not hold against it because it actually sounds like a cool idea.

How have we gone this long without another Gingerdead Man movie? Hell if I know but after seeing the trailer for "Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver", yes it's got a disco theme, I feel like a giant hole in my heart that I didn't even know was there has been filled. That and I feel kind of gassy, but mostly the hole filled thing.

In Real People News: 

Hanging out at parks to watch women run because you like to see things "jiggle" is creepy yes but not illegal, yet. What is illegal though is going one step further and pretending to trip so you can shove your face in woman's asses. Honestly this is a complete surprise and you'll never prove I... I mean he didn't really trip.

I think most of us got to skip school once or twice in our lives to go do something fun with out parents. Some of us went to a ballgame, others took a day trip to the city and two lucky young tikes in Georgia robbed a bank with their mother. We all have different ways of bonding with our families.

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

Joe's going to hate this.

Podcast

... and other words for "boner".

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web