platinum dunes

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 22nd, 2013

Platinum Dunes always reminds me of a cheesy porn company name. Then it reminds me of Michael Bay. Then it reminds me of how much of a prick Michael Bay is. Then it reminds me that "Bad Boys" 1 and 2 are pretty awesome so he isn't all bad. Then it reminds me that I'm suppose to be talking about "Almanac", a new time travel found footage flick that the Dune boys are going to be producing. Then it reminds me that sometimes I ramble on about nothing at all. I like jelly beans.

If you've seen the trailer for "The Purge" then you're probably just as giddy with excitement as I am. Unless you're some sort of jerk who doesn't enjoy watching a movie about a family trying to survive the one night a year when there are no laws. See how I worked in the plot there? Well you're going to have to wait an extra week because the film's release date has been pushed from May 31st to June 7th. That should give you an extra week to try to fit into that new swimsuit you just bought. Oh you, you look good in everything.

Gemma Arterton and Anna Kendrick have both been added to the cast of "The Voices", a new supernatural flick staring Ryan Reynolds. In the film Reynolds plays a factory worker who accidentally kills an attractive woman and starts to take advice on how to cover his tracks from his cat and dog. Wait no that can't be right. Alright who slipped me peyote again!?

"Hatchet 3" is set to hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 13. We're three films in, I've run out of sarcastic comments to make about these movies. Just make up your own from now on.

In Real People News: 

A 22 year old Florida woman is under arrest after she reportedly yanked her boyfriend's penis in a violent manner after an argument. You can probably make your own jokes here really.

Ever heard the saying, "Who pissed in your coffee"? No me either but if you had the answer would be "this 16 year old kid in Montana and now he's going to jail for it".

Horror Headlines: Monday January 31st, 2011

If you're a fan of Platinum Dunes remakes then prepare to get pumped! The gang expects to have a script ready for a remake of the childhood classic "Monster Squad" sometime this week. For those of you who aren't fans though I'd like to invite you over to my apartment for a delightful buffet style lunch this afternoon.

Chan-wook Park's first English language film "Stoker" now has a leading lady with Mia Wasikowska landing the role of a girl who has to deal with a strange uncle who shows up after her fathers passing. Unfortunately Wasikowska hasn't really appeared in any really ridiculous films so I'm drawing a blank on sarcastic comments. Sorry folks.

NBC has picked up the pilot for "Grimm", a cop drama that takes place in a world where characters based on the Brothers Grimm's stories are real. The show will be produced by some of the same folks that brought you "Angel" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" which I will not hold against it because it actually sounds like a cool idea.

How have we gone this long without another Gingerdead Man movie? Hell if I know but after seeing the trailer for "Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver", yes it's got a disco theme, I feel like a giant hole in my heart that I didn't even know was there has been filled. That and I feel kind of gassy, but mostly the hole filled thing.

In Real People News: 

Hanging out at parks to watch women run because you like to see things "jiggle" is creepy yes but not illegal, yet. What is illegal though is going one step further and pretending to trip so you can shove your face in woman's asses. Honestly this is a complete surprise and you'll never prove I... I mean he didn't really trip.

I think most of us got to skip school once or twice in our lives to go do something fun with out parents. Some of us went to a ballgame, others took a day trip to the city and two lucky young tikes in Georgia robbed a bank with their mother. We all have different ways of bonding with our families.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 28th, 2010

If you've been dying to find out more about John Carpenter's next flick, you're in luck! The doors are now open to the official website for "The Ward".

Paramount is wanting to jump in on the encroaching alien bandwagon coming for 2011 as Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes snatches up the rights to an untitled alien thriller from Bobby Glickert. Little is known about the project at this time other than they claim it is a cross between "Cloverfield" and "Paranormal Activity".

Darren Aronofsky's proposed "Robocop" remake appears to be the first project to be thrown out as MGM prepares for impending doom with their $3.7 billion debt.

In an odd twist, moody singer Nick Cave has been brought in to pen a remake of "The Crow". At least cave has a firm grasp on that whole 'dark and brooding' atmosphere that "The Crow" loves so much.

In Real People News: 

U.S. troops are happy to share their knowledge and training with their counterparts on the Afghani Police Force, except for the issues with the Afghani Policemen getting stoned while out on patrol.

A University of Minnesota Dr. has cured a woman's intestinal bacteria and diarrhea problems by transplanting her husbands feces into her colon. The term 'fudge packing' has officially been retitled 'fecal transplantation'.

On this day in history: 

1945 - A US Army B-25 bomber crashes into the Empire State Building between the 78th and 79th floors. An engine plunges down an elevator shaft, sparking a fire in the basement. Eleven people in the building are killed, in addition to the three man bomber crew.

Horror Headlines: Monday May 17th, 2010

Would you like a sure sign that this new fangled 3D trend is going too far? Japanese studio Toei has announced that they are working on a 3D conversion for their classic "Battle Royale". No, not a remake; they're just planning on slapping some 3D effects onto the 10 year old film.

"Martyrs" director Pascal Laugier is bringing us his first US film entitled "The Tall Man", a woman in peril thriller in the vein of "Panic Room". He's bringing some star power with him as well as he has signed Jessica Biel as his leading lady.

Platinum Dunes making an original movie? Oh yes. Paramount, Platinum Dunes and Room 101 are teaming together to bring us a brand spanking new monster movie. Though there are no details of what kind of monster they plan on bringing to life, we are told that Mark L. Smith penned script is reminiscent of such films as "I am Legend", "Aliens" and "Descent".

Kurt Russell plan on scaring us once again as he signs on for the thriller "Undying", playing Virgial, a private investigator lured into a dark an surreal underworld by the mysterious Delia. With a script penned by Greg Whitta and directed by Jon Amiel, this could be a spooky little treat.

In Real People News: 

A Thai protester thought it would be a good idea to use a laser pointer on a group of Thai soldiers. Too bad for him, they mistook it for a laser sight and blew his head off in exchange.

Cryonics company Alcor has won a court battle after a judge orders a family to dig up their father so they could freeze his head, as per his wishes. Unfortunately, even though Alcor says that the man's head is no longer optimal for the freezing process due to decomposition, they figured they'd go ahead and take the issue to court anyways.

On this day in history: 

1965 - Magazine "The Nation" publishes Hunter S. Thompson's first-hand experiences with the Hell's Angels motorcycle club. The bikers would eventually stomp Thompson when they demanded payment for his time spent.

Horror Headlines: Friday March 19th, 2010

Since I'm filling in for Fowler Friday this week, I'm going to start off your weekend with a swift kick to the nuts! You know Platinum Dunes and their love of remaking classic franchises? They've now set their sights on "The Monster Squad" for their next remake.

Though they titled the fourth film in the franchise "The Final Destination", Warner Brothers head Alan Horn revealed that they'll be making a fifth "Final Destination". Since they've already raided the gimmick that is 3-D, here's hoping they go old school and add ball shockers to the seats this time.

Even the newly raised from the dead Hammer Studios can't resist the remake band wagon but according to CEO Simon Oakes, they'll be remaking three of their own films. Titles up for the treatment are "Captain Kronos", "Quatermass" and "Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde".

Not content to rest on his mediocre success of "Alice in Wonderland", Tim Burton has already begun plans for his next film. Feeling a bit nostalgic, he's thinking about throwing together a stop motion animated version of "The Addams Family".

In Real People News: 

Jersey City, NJ police officials have captured a serial urinator who has been terrorizing women at bus stops since December. While the ladies waited casually for their morning commute, the perpetrator would stroll up behind them and let loose on their legs. So far this morning, the whereabouts of our own Joe Charnews is still in question. Don't pick up the soap Joe!

Jennifer Mercado found jury duty to be rather boring, so she used the time to swipe the wallet of a fellow juror. Pleased with her new find, she ran to a store across the street during their lunch break to wrack up purchases on the stolen credit cards.

On this day in history: 

1982 - The guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne, Randy Rhoads, dies during the Diary of a Madman tour after the plane he is flying in buzzes the band's tour bus and clips the wing of the plane, crashing into a nearby farmhouse.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 9th, 2009

So, last Wednesday, I started feeling under the weather. The past three weeks I have been wishing for MEXICAN SWINE FLU to bestow its gifts upon me, just to experience it first-hand, and, finally, I had thought that my time had come. I had all the symptoms: chills, fever, sore throat, runny nose and heinous explosive bowel movements. But, two days later, with most of these symptoms disappearing, I'm left with the feeling that, once again, I've missed this boat. So, SWINE FLUERS, if you see me, cough on me and let me walk a mile in your sickly shoes.

Variety is reporting that Twisted Pictures, the unheralded geniuses behind the Saw franchise, are in the process of purchasing the rights to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, previously owned by the date-rapists over at Platinum Dunes. This is all part of Twisted's plan to corner the market on all films that have saws in them. Hey-O!!!

Dread Central has posted the cast list (Milla Jovovich, Wentworth Miller, Ali Larter) and synopsis for Resident Evil 4: Afterlife (In a world ravaged by infection, Alice continues her...blah blah blah...). The final line, however, of Dread's report reads: “Thankfully, Mike Epps will remain dead.” I, for one, enjoy Mike Epps and, unlike Dread Central, love black people and wish them continued success in the horror movie genre. KILL WHITEY!

Gary Ross, the writer of the Tom Selleck comedy classic Mr. Baseball, has been tapped to write a solo Venom movie. Venom, who you may remember, was killed at the end of Spider-Man 3, but, if anyone can ret-con this fallacy, it's the writer of Mr. Baseball! (Netflix this NOW!)

In Real People News: 

NASA blasted the Moon's surface with missiles this morning. Now, I am no scientist, but this strikes me as a really bad idea. I have a creeping fear that this will somehow kick off the events of 2012. And why??? They say they were trying to find water, but I feel like they were just wanting to do it because they were bored. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY! LET'S BLOW UP THE MOON, AMERICA!

The NYPD has been tracking your cell phones calls. They say they got the idea from The Dark Knight, mostly because that movie was, in their words, “the fucking tits, brah!” This just goes to prove what an overrated burg of scumbaggery New York City is, second only to Chicago. You wouldn't find this crap in Provo!

On this day in history: 

1967: Notorious jerk-hole mass-murderer, oops, I mean “revolutionary”, Che Guevara was executed for attempting to incite hope and change in Bolivia. His death would inspire the sales of millions of t-shirts.

First Look at Freddy Krueger From the NOES Remake

Well here it is, our first *sort of* look at Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger. It's hard to see much but I can tell you that his tiny pea-head creeps me out by itself. Rumor has it we'll see a better shot later in the day as the first official day of comic-con swings into full gear. Stay tuned...

Horror Headlines: Tuesday July 14th, 2009

New concept posters for "Let Me In", Matt Reeves remake of the Swedish vampire film "Let The Right One In". Not a whole lot to latch on to at this point considering they haven't even cast the roles yet, but they're semi-interesting if you're invested in how this will turn out.

"Gatekeeper" is a "zomcom" (their words) starring Lea Thompson, Judge Reinhold and Ron Perlman. It has a great cast, but their selling point is sure to make you cringe, "Shaun of the Dead" for American audiences... because you know, us stupid Americans can't watch a movie with British accents (?)

Platinum Dunes will be revealing something big for "A Nightmare on Elm St." at comic-con this year. In his blog, producer Brad Fuller also calls you an "idiot" if you don't think anyone else can play Freddy Krueger. Make your own judgements about his limited vocabulary.

Proably NSFW clip from "Antichrist"... you've been warned.

The first images from Thomas Jane's directorial debut "Dark Country" have surfaced. The film is about a couple who decides to get married in Vegas, but along the way they run into an accident victim who quickly turns their vacation into a nightmare.

Stephen King's "The Cell", which we last heard was NOT being made by Eli Roth, is being adapted into a 4 hour mini-series.

In Real People News: 

Olympian grows tired of asking his parents for money to fund his bid for glory, opens up brothel to raise money. I think we can all agree this guy deserves a golf clap.

I suppose playing porn out of your window really loudly is one way to get rid of the neighbor children. Of course a dirty robe and a baseball bat is usually pretty effective too, but I'm not against innovation.

Texting teen tumbles into manhole, and the parents are trying to sue the city. Luckily they can't sue me for laughing at their dumbass child.

On this day in history: 

1966: Richard Speck slaughters eight student nurses from South Chicago Community Hospital, in what would become known as the first mass murder of the media age.

Horror Headlines: Friday May 22nd, 2009

Brett Easton Ellis is writing an original screenplay in the vein of horror, about "an awkward social outcast who takes hostage a group of peers who humiliated him, with grim results". Given Ellis' sensibilities, this could be a very dark project. Stay tuned for more.

Connie Britton ("Friday Night Lights", "Spin City") has landed the role of Nancy's mother in Platinum Dunes' "A Nightmare on Elm St.", making her officially 100 times hotter than Nancy's mom in the original film.

"Saw VI" has officially wrapped filming, meaning we should start seeing the first stills/footage pretty soon.

MTV has a new still of Michael Myers in "Halloween 2" that I actually like. I figured that was newsworthy right there.

In Real People News: 

Mary Kay Letourneau and her husband (the one who was in sixth grade when they hooked up) are now doing bar appearances called "Hot For Teacher Night". Um... words escape me at the moment.

This guy is a serial killer of bunnies. Yes, you read that correctly.

On this day in history: 

337: Emperor Constantine dies. Although quite dead, his embalmed corpse continues to act as head of state, receving state dignitaries and daily reports from ministers as if nothing had changed. Constantine's macabre leadership continues through winter.

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 21st, 1009

Bruce Willis to star in "Grimm", a ghost story with one of the longest synopses I've ever seen... which can be found at the link. Directed by Russel Mulcahey, who also helmed 2007's "Resident Evil: Extinction".

Lars Von Trier's controversial film "Antichrist" has been picked up by IFC films. Hot off the controversy it caused at Cannes with its graphic violence, the film will now be coming to US shores as early as this summer. No word on what type of release IFC will give the film, but they are known for non-traditional theatrical/on demand models.

New Platinum Dunes blog on their "Nightmare on Elm St." shooting. Of course they're going to be positive, but word is that Jackie Earle Haley's rendition of Krueger is just as kick-ass as most of us have anticipated. Don't get me wrong, I'm still withholding excitement, but consider my curiosity peaked.

In Real People News: 

Two seasonal workers at Yellowstone National park fired for pissing in Old Faithful. Not sure what's more intriguing about this, the fact that they didn't think there were security cameras, or that they took the safety of their penises so nonchalantly. That thing goes off while you're dangling your dong over it, and I'm pretty certain it won't be pretty.

Never cheat on a Thai woman, I'm told they're penis biters. At least that's what the internet tells me.

I'm not sure how we've had two "Montauk Monsters" wash up on Long Island shores before someone decided to mention the existence of the nearby "Plum Island Animal Disease Center". Even more perplexing, the couple who found the recent one have kept it on ice, and are having trouble finding someone to take it off their hands. Scientists love ripping shit apart to find out what it is, but no love for my boy?

On this day in history: 

1956: The Cherokee test of Operation Redwing commences over Bikini Atoll, consisting of a 3.8 megaton nuclear bomb dropped from a B-52 bomber. The bomb is successfully detonated at an altitude of 4,350 feet, but the flight crew missed their assigned target by four miles. Although it is a complete failure from a scientific standpoint, it demonstrates America's ability to deliver hydrogen bombs over long distances.

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