lords of salem

Horror Headlines: Tuesday December 11th, 2012

No word on what sort of release it'll actually be getting but it looks like Rob Zombie's "Lords Of Salem" will finally see the light of day on April 26th, 2013. If that seems too far away then you might want to pick up the novelization that will hit shelves on March 12th. But honestly that's really just a little over a month earlier and if you can't wait a month you might want to see a shrink or something. You've got problems buddy.

I'm not really sure if this is exciting news but it looks like Robert Patrick will in fact return to "True Blood" next season as a full blooded cast member. For those of you still play catch up Patrick played that father of Alcide the werewolf. For those of you who are completely lost "True Blood" is a show about vampires staring the girl who I always think is the girl from "My So Called Life" but she isn't. She does have giant teeth though... TEEFF!

Summit Entertainment has picked up the rights to the big screen adaptation of Chase Novak's "Breed". Burr Steers will write and direct the film about a couple who are turned into bloodthirsty freaks after they try out a experimental fertility treatment. And I thought the worst thing about fertility treatments were having kids. Am I right? I'll be here all week.

In Real People News: 

There's nothing more adorable than a couple of cute kids, ages 7 and 11 for instance, greeting you in a church parking lot. That is of course unless those kids are holding a gun and are robbing you. Then it kid of sucks.

If you're a 19 year old kid and you break into someone's house you better damn well sure check to see if that guy is home and is currently employed as a boxer. Because no matter how much you plead with him he's going to punch you in the face and then you'll just look like a pansy in your mug shot.

Horror Headlines: September 17th, 2012

I'm seriously considering buying a "Resident Evil: Retribution" poster online after seeing the film yesterday. Just thought I'd give you fair warning as to where my frame of mind is these days. Speaking of "RE: Retribution", Paul W.S. Anderson's candy coated confusion machine topped the box office this weekend, raking in $21 million. That's $5 million less than the last film opened to, and the smallest opening since the original. However, keep in mind that these films have done absolutely BONKERS business overseas.

Here's what the new Robocop looks like. I'll save you the time it takes to click... it's not even silver! What the hell are we doing here, people...

Anchor Bay has acquired Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem" after its debut at the Toronto International Film Festival last week. Thank God they use the acronym TIFF, because typing the entire name makes me want to quit life.

Check out The monsters you missed in "Cabin in the Woods". I made my wife watch this on Bluray with me last night. She just looked confused. Me on the other hand? I'm calling it now, horror film of the year. Everyone else should go home and feel bad about themselves.

Here's the new Norman Bates that will star in A&E's "Bates Motel". I will continue not watching horror on television because it will always be terrible.

Tom Savini's "Night of the Living Dead" remake from 1990 is coming to Bluray. If you haven't seen it, you should, it's pretty fantastic.

In Real People News: 

Turns out, this girl's aunt did not sexually assault her in a satanic ritual in 1994. She was pretty excited to hear her admit that, considering she's been in prison for it ever since. Whoopsies!

The 11 drunkest presidents in US history. Ah, the good old days...

Snapshots: Sid Haig fits right into "Lords of Salem"

A lot of Hollywood directors have their "stable" of go-to actors. For instance, Adam Sandler casts Rob Schneider in everything, presumably because they touched swords once at summer camp and he doesn't want him to tell anyone. Rob Zombie has gone in... a different direction. Creating his own traveling side-show of B movie actors who scare the shit out of me in real life. Does that translate to the big screen? Sometimes? Either way, he posted this pic of Sid Haig in "Lords of Salem" to his Facebook, and now I'm posting it here. Isn't the internet neat?

Horror Headlines: Thursday November 17th, 2011

A few weeks back we talked about how it looked like "The Munsters" would once again be coming to the small screen in the form of a new TV series. Well it looks like NBC has finally given the new project, which promises to be a darker version of the classic black and white show, the thumbs up. No word yet on cast but Bryan Fuller, who brought you "Pushing Daisies" will be leading the project. Or don't you remember our talks? It's not just physical for me you know!

To up the hotness level of his new film "Pacific Rim" Guillermo del Toro has added Ron Perlman to the cast list. The movie is an epic battle giant robots vs. giant monsters and I will officially start taking bets to to which one Perlman will play.

It's no surprise that a big screen version of "Catching Fire", the second book in the 3 part "Hunger Games" series, is already being produced. It might be a surprise that Simon Beaufoy, the writer of "Slumdog Millionaire", is being eyed to adapt the book. I say it might be a surprise because I assume you're all racist and terrible people. I didn't even bat an eye at the news. I guess I just don't see things the way you do.

One of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me was farting in the middle of science class in the fifth grade. Luckily the teacher had stepped out of the room but unfortunately it was during the middle of a test so the room was dead silent. I don't think I ever got over that. By the way, here's some behind the scenes photos from the set of Rob Zombie's "Lords Of Salem".

In Real People News: 

I had no idea that you could get high off of bath salts but apparently you can. Apparently the high also puts you in a festive spirit because this guy in Ohio got all doped up on them, broke into a home and set up Christmas decorations. I don't think I see any down side to this.

Here's a story about a black guy in Florida who dressed up as a Klan member and burned a cross on his front lawn to scare his wife. Insane? Yes, but you have to imagine it worked.

Horror Headlines: Monday October 24th, 2011

Hey are you watching "American Horror Story"?! No? Well I hate your stupid face! Sorry. I didn't mean that. But the FX show has been getting some decent buzz and now Mena Suvari and Kathleen Rose Perkins will both be guest starting on the show. Going to watch now? If you care about our relationship you will.

Teller, the one who doesn't talk in Penn & Teller, is creating a stage adaptation of William Peter Blatty's "The Exorcist" which will open in NY next year. The story will focus more on the questions of faith rather than the exoticism itself so it'll be a large change from the movie adaptation. There will also be no spoken parts. Should be interesting.... that last part is a lie.

Corey Feldman is in haunted Halloween attraction flick "Six Degrees of Hell" and I'm 99% sure I wouldn't be talking about it if he wasn't but here's a new trailer for the movie. Enjoy it. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you. And yes I know I've made the same joke before. Thanks for pointing out my flaws.

Bruce Dern leave "Lords of Salem". Bruce Davidson replace. Chris Knight join cast. He was Greg Brady.

In Real People News: 

A California man won 100 bucks after he lubed himself up and squeezed his ass into one of those tiny toddler swings at a local playground. Of course then his friends ditched him and left him stuck in the swing for hours until someone finally called the fire department to come cut him out. 100 bucks though... a lot of money.

A Los Angeles man is under arrest after he was caught on camera abusing his infant son. The cameras were set up by his wife in an attempt to catch him cheating. So on the plus side he wasn't cheating.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 7th, 2011

The first trailer for "The Raven" staring John Cusak has hit the tubes my friend and it's chock full of birdy goodness. I think at least. Honestly I couldn't even watch the trailer because it kept locking up my computer. I can tell you the movie tells the tale of Edger Allen Poe who joins forces with a detective to stop a serial killer. You enjoy the trailer though and let me know how it goes.

Robert Zemeckis has set his eyes on "Charles Fort" as his next project. A period piece that tells the story of early-twentieth-century ghost hunter, the movie will be based on the Dark Horse comic of the same name. I wish I had something sarcastic to say about this but it just sounds so darn delightful.

Show of hands, who out there hasn't had a Tara Reid/Cloris Leachman three way fantasy? No one, that's what I thought. Well get excited because they're both on the new poster for "The Fields", a film set in 1973 that tells the true story of a Pennsylvania family who are terrorized by a strange presence in their corn field. I could sop this poster up with a biscuit! I realize that makes no sense.

Blah blah blah Rob Zombie blah blah blah "Lords of Salem" casting blah blah blah Billy Drago blah blah blah creepy guy from "The Untouchables".

In Real People News: 

Like candy but hate all the spooky connotations surrounding Halloween? Well you're in luck! This year you can celebrate Jesusween with a bunch of wack jobs who believe... well I'm not 100% sure what they believe but I'm 99% sure it will end with a military stand off and some sort of death pact.

Remember when you played football in middle school and you had to walk past the other team after the game and say "good game" to them? The funny guys would always say crap like "'eff you" and whatnot instead? Well here's a funny guy from Ohio who decided to put a tack on his glove and give the entire opposing team a make-shift stigmata. What a hoot!

Horror Headlines: Monday September 26th, 2011

What could top last weeks new that Raj from "What's Happening" had joined the cast of Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem"? How about Jeffrey Daniel Phillips joining the cast? Who's that you might ask? Why just one of the most famous cavemen in history. Ya know, minus the real cavemen. Let's call him the most famous insurance selling caveman of all time. Well next to the other two. There's three of them in those commercials isn't there? Let's just call him a guy. He's a nice guy. God I hate you.

Oh boy oh boy! More set pics from "The Dark Knight Rises" and this time we've got Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. Boy she looks comfortable in that suit. If people made a big deal over Michelle Pfeiffer doing flips in her Catwoman outfit back in 1992 I can't wait to see what sort of fuss they make about Hathaway stomping around the set like the Frankenstein monster recovering from hip surgery. Is it hot in here or is it just her?

I've seen a ton of movies that Michael Fassbender has been in but for the life of me I have no idea who the guy is. That aside though if I had one choice for who could play Alex Murphy in the upcoming "Robocop" remake he would be it. Don't ask me why he just would be. And the good news for me is that director Jose Padhilla wants him for the role too. Which I kind of think is weird since I don't know who he is. It's like if Rob Zombie wanted one of the Geico cavemen for one of his movie or something.

And last but not least Charlie Sheen has accepted a role in "Scary Movie 5". I don't know what else to say about that. I'm crying on the inside though.

In Real People News: 

A good friend will save you from a grizzly bear attack. An even better friend will see you're getting attacked by a grizzly bear and shoot you before the bear can kill you. I think that's what the plan was. Either that or bad aiming. Probably the second thing actually.

And what do you do if you want to relax in the nude but don't have a porch? Go to your neighbor's house of course. You'll go to jail for that just so you know. But man you'll be relaxed.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 22nd, 2011

Charlize Theron has signed on to play an investigator trying to solve a case involving a brutal murder where things might not be as they seem in a new thriller titled "Cities of Refuge". She's also signed on to look fabulous at this year's Oscars! There's really not much else in the way of details on this one so I'm kind of stretching.

Well here's something I never thought I'd type. Raj from "What's Happening" will be in the next Rob Zombie flick!! That's right one Mr. Ernest Thomas, better known as not Rerun has signed on to play the station director of a local rock station in the upcoming witch revenge romp "Lords of Salem". If Zombie can get J.J. Walker then this movie might have some potential.

There's a crap load of horror shows in the works right now and it looks like ABC is looking to create a new drama series based on the book "666 Park Avenue". The show, like the book, will revolve around a couple that move to NYC from the midwest and become managers of a building where the residents have all made deals with the devil. You'd need to make a deal with the devil to find something affordable on the upper east side! Am I right folks? Rent is too damn high.

I'm pretty excited for the US to get its hands on "Haunted Poland", a new Polish flick (seriously!) about a girl who travels back to her home town and encounters evil thanks to a Ouija board, because I'm 99% sure I've met a few of the actresses in the film. And by met I mean thrown 20's at during a bachelor party while they did things I'm positive are illegal in their homelands. Anyway there's a new trailer and poster out for the film that was apparently made for only a thousand dollars. In fairness though a thousand dollars in Poland is pretty much enough to be president, or king or whatever the hell they worship over there. It's cool, I'm Polish so I can mock my people.

In Real People News: 

If there's one thing I've learned about kids it's they will not be ignored. My little bundle of joy will scream like there's no tomorrow if she loses her pacifier. But I guess I should consider myself lucky because here's a Georgia woman who's offspring fired a shotgun through the roof of her van while she was purchasing some drugs. Of course I always find a sitter when I go out for a big score, but that's just me.

I can sum up this one in three words. Decapitation, nipples and hammer. Good luck!

Horror Headlines: Tuesday February 22nd, 2011

Rutger Hauer has landed the role of vampire hunter Van Helsing in upcoming Dario Argento film "Dracula 3D". That combined with his role in "Hobo With a Shotgun" has made Hauer the hottest new item in Hollywood. You'll see him on the cover of Bop! and Tiger Beat next month. The girls are going gaga for him.

Rob Zombie recently sat down to discuss his next project titled "Lords of Salem" saying it's the "bleakest of all my films". He goes on to state that the "Blob" remake is no longer happening with him at least and that he won't be touching another remake for a while. Seems he's found there's no real winning with horror fans when it comes to remakes. Kind of makes us sounds like jerks, which is true but still it doesn't have to be said. I have feelings too, Rob!

Australia seems like a happy fun loving place with their Kangaroos and Vegemite but I'm here to tell you they're a bunch of sickos. Case in point is the trailer for the new flick "Bad Behavior" which has a kind of "Clockwork Orange" type vibe to it. Meaning if "Clockwork Orange" had a bald fat man vomiting blood on a women, which I'm 99% sure it didn't.

With its release being only a year away we're all getting really excited for "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters". Did I mention it's going to be in 3D? Anyway Ingrid Bolsø Berdal is the latest witch to be cast in the flick and I assume that means she will in fact be hunted. Of course she should be hunted in real life also, never trust anyone with one of those o's with a line in it in their name. 9 times out of 10 they're complete pricks.

In Real People News: 

A town in Australia (I told you they're nuts) has decided to kick out 22,000 grey headed flying foxes, aka giant freakin bats, from the national botanical gardens. Where the bats will go no one really knows but I hope it isn't into my apartment complex. We just got rid of our possum problem.

A family in Egypt has gone all out with their love for social networking by naming their newborn baby Facebook. This sounds adorable now but just thing of how pissed this kid would have been if he was born 10 years ago and was walking around named Friendster.

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

In which we subject ourselves to Argento's latest...

Podcast

In which we review a feel good film for a change.

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web