mark hartley

Horror Headlines: Friday, December 2nd, 2011

If you're not in the know like I am then you're probably clueless on "Hunger Games", a movie based on a book where kids are sent into a giant playing field and made to battle to the death. Well since it's based on a book and the movie is going to make the kids go gaga it's only stands to reason that the books would now be re-released with the hot teen heartthrobs adoring the cover. So here they are, the new hot sexy covers. I just used the word adorning.

When I was a kid and I popped in a VHS tape I knew I was in for a good time when I saw the Cannon Films logo come up. The "American ninja" movies alone filled up at least 3 years of a young Joe's life. And don't get me started on how much I loved the "Breakin'" films. Sadly, Cannon Films is gone but Documentary film maker Mark Harley is paying tribute to the classic video company with a new flick titled "Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films" which has just been picked up by Drafthouse Films for distribution. Seriously, you should have seen my fat 6 year old ass trying to break dance. It would've made you throw up.

"Cabin In the Woods" is a new horror flick from Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon about a guy who goes to a cabin with some friends and then finds a bunch of weird awful crap. I know that makes no sense but that's what we've got for a plot description. Want to get even more confused? Check out the new poster for the film. It's got a cabin all messed up like a rubix cube or some crap. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Seriously, I was so fat and I was trying to do a head spin.

America may have never have gotten over the whole Tom Cruise going crazy thing but no one can deny that's he's just so tiny and adorable you want to lock him in your closet and keep him for your own. Every morning you'd wake up and peek inside the closet to see little Tom Cruise sleeping on the tiny little bed he's chained to. At night you'd dress him up in doll clothing and put on elaborate dinner shows with him as the star. All the while knowing that you've got one of Hollywood's top leading men as your little tiny man doll. It would be a dream. Anyway, Tom's going to star in "All You Need Is Kill" as a solider who gets trapped in a time loop when he's killed. I think I've said too much.

In Real People News: 

Here's a story about a guy in Florida who became so upset when his hooker didn't finish the job that he kidnapped her one year old daughter. I want you to sit there and think about that sentence for a minute. Now go call your mother and tell her that you love her.

And the insect take over has begun. Here's a freakin grasshopper the size of your god damn hand. We had a good run folks.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday November 8th, 2011

Good news Harry Potter fans! Mr. Elijah Wood has been confirmed to be taking on the lead role in the upcoming "Maniac" remake. Yes I know he didn't play the little wizard boy but now that I mention it they do kind of look alike right? Man it's fun to do things. A remake of the 1980 cult classic, Wood will play the role of a serial killer who stalks his pray while experiencing strange hallucinations. Avada Kedavra!

Ryan O'Nan is the latest name to be added to the ever growing cast list of "Frozen Ground". The film, which stars John Cusak and Nicolas Cage tells the story of a real life serial killer who hunted people like game on his land in Alaska. O'Nan will play a state trooper who helps with the hunt. I don't think I've ever seen a movie this guy was in so I'm really drawing a blank on any witty comments. I'm sorry I've let you down.

It's time to throw another shrimp on the barbie and drink a spot of tea! Why you might ask? Because the 1978 Australian flick "Patrick" is getting the remake treatment. The movie, which tells the story of a man who starts to flex his psychokinetic powers when he goes into a coma after killing his mother and her lover, will have a release date sometime in 2012 and will be directed by Mark Hartley. A cast is already shaping up and right now I don't see Paul Hogan's name anywhere on the list but I assume it's only a matter of time.

NBC has given the thumbs up to a new series titled "Hannibal" which will be based on everyone's favorite cannibal Hannibal Lecter. The show will skip the whole pilot process and go directly to 13 episodes in the hopes that the kids will go gaga for it. Not little kids though. It would be weird if you sat a 3 year old down to watch a show about a guy who eats people. That's just how I parent though. I'm not judging you.

In Real People News: 

We've all been so in love that when our better half decides to leave us we feel like ending it all. If you're going to go all the way though pick a better solution then this guy in Florida who decided to overdose on Flintstone Vitamins. Not only will you not die, you'll probably be in better shape and might even live forever.

A Texas mechanic is in hot water after he took a bunch of up-skirt photos of a costumer while she was waiting for her... lube job. not going to lie, I'm a little confused. Based on numerous movies I was under the impression girls not only enjoyed this sort of thing while at the auto shop, they rewarded it in a big big way.

Horror Headlines: Monday February 22nd, 2010

Wes Craven has announced that "Scream IV" will start shooting this coming May. He also let us know that he plans on directing until he drops dead. This is what people in the business call 'foreshadowing'.

Aussie director Mark Hartley, who previously brought you the documentary "Beyond Hollywood: The Wild Untold Story of Ozploitation" is a busy man these days. He's already pitching his next documentary on scream queens entitled "Machete Maidens Unleashed" as well as announced his plans to direct a remake of 1978's "Patrick".

In Real People News: 

Swiss prostitutes are now being trained to use on-site defibrillators due to a rash of senior aged customers having heart attacks and dying on site. Which reminds me, I need to see my doctor before heading over there.

An Arcadia couple had a mind for some romantic car action on a secluded boat ramp until their plans were foiled by their car rolling into the water and floating down stream. The 41 year old man manged to swim to safety while his 67 year old girlfriend drowned in the accident.

On this day in history: 

1987 - Andy Warhol dies of complications after gallbladder surgery.

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