I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been two months since I wrote the news last. I am going to pretend that you've been very upset about it though and sent me dozens upon dozens of emails asking me why I've abandoned you. I am however going to pretend that there's some kid sitting in his bedroom right now reading this, crying his eyes out because the head cheerleader doesn't even know he exists, thinking that maybe things will be OK after all because Joe is writing the news again.
I love TV shows with a solid will they/won't they theme, even when it's based around a mother and son relationship like "Bates Motel". What can I say I'm a sucker for love. So I'm giddy with delight to find new info on the second season of the show which hits A&E on March 3rd. I mean as giddy as you can get when you realize the plot for season two is really just a continuation of season one, Norman continues to lose his crap, his mother tries to cover up some murder type things, a cop starts to catch on and blah blah blah the brother sells drugs or something. You've missed this kind of hot late breaking news haven't you?
I could have sworn Kevin Smith retired 12 years ago but he keeps putting crap out so I'm assuming it's like a Jay-Z type retirement where you announce it to get some attention and then just keep on doing the same crap you've always done. Case in point. "Comes the Krampus!", a new holiday anthology flick he just finished the screenplay for that focuses on everyone's favorite Scandinavian Christmas time monster that eats kids instead of bringing them presents. No real word on next steps for the project but it's planned for a holiday release sometime in the next 10 years.
"Terminator: Genesis", the upcoming "The Terminator" reboot, has apparently lost itself a financial backer. Megan Ellison and her Annapurna Pictures has apparently decided to back out of the project leaving Skydance Productions, which happens to be her brother's production company, to cover the tab. So this really means nothing at all to you and I. The movie is still being made, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still coming back and we're still over a year away from its release. Seriously, how did you survive without this kind of daily coverage to fill your life for the past two months?
ABC has green lit the pilot for "The Visitors", a new series based on a Ray Bradbury short story titled "Zero Hour". In the story the fine people of earth try to fend off an alien attack where the little green men use our own children against us. Seems completely plausible. The other day my 2 year old hit me in the crotch with a Doc McStuffins doll so hard I blacked out for 15 seconds. I can only assume she was being controlled by aliens.
In Real People News:
How many times have we heard this story my friends? A woman accused another woman of hitting her with a hog stomach and someone ends up getting stabbed in the beck with a pair of scissors. Once, I can really only thing of one time I've heard this story. That one time is just a few seconds ago to be clear.
Let this be a lesson to all the young men out there. When making love to your best gal on the school bus, if she happens to queef during said love making on the school bus do not laugh at her. Because she will elbow you in the balls and you will get in trouble and you will end up on the news. This has been your daily romance advice from Joe. On a side note spell check has no idea what a "queef" is.
This past weekend I watched "The Last Stand" and it was awesome, because Arnold Schwarzenegger, and no amount of baby making with the housekeeper can make that not a fact. And "Maggie", a new film about a young girl who gets infected by a zombie and has 6 months before she turns, will be awesome as well because Arnold has signed on to star in the film. I assume he'll be the girl's father or something. Honestly he could play the little girl and the movie would still be awesome.
Friday, October 25th is the date that you'll be able to sit down and watch NBC's "Dracula" for the very first time. It'll see a short 10 episode run before being canceled I'm assuming based on the fact that it's premiering on the night they put shows to die and If you can't guess the basic plot of the show then I want you to leave my site right now. Let's move on.
I always assume Nicolas Winding Refn is German but to be honest I have no idea where the guy is from. But despite being about vikings (I think) "Valhalla Rising" seemed very German and now he's talking about a sequel that will somehow take place in Tokyo which will also find a way to be super German. I wonder what the fog in Tokyo looks like. If you don't get that joke just trust me, it's hilarious.
Brad Pitt has dropped the news that there's a solid chance that there would be a "World War Z" sequel. The first movie, which made $66 million this past weekend, only scratches the surface of the book... so another film, and probably more could be tossed out if the price is right. I'd honestly watch 2 hours of Brad Pitt doing his taxes and love it so I'm on board.
In Real People News:
Kickstarter has apologized for not taking down a guy's site that raised $16,000 for a book he plans to write about "getting awesome with woman". The book apparently promotes shoving woman "HARD", caveman-ing them and all kinds of other things. So ya know, people gave him money for that.
A Pennsylvanian woman recently opened up a bag of potatoes she bought at Walmart and discovered a snake was hiding out. I love potatoes. I hate snakes. Snakes ruin everything that is good in this world. I will now live the rest of my life thinking that there is a snake hiding in every box and bag that I open. Thanks for ruining Cheetos for me, snakes. You pricks.
5 minutes ago I would have responded to that question with "wha?". Now, I'm not so sure....
What a hilarious little discovery for us all these years later though. I hope more things like this start popping up soon. I’d love to find out the hidden design connections between Turok and The Accused.
Bing Crosby. Andy Williams. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Mannheim Steamroller. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Austrian Death Machine? One of these names is clearly not in the same ballpark with the others (and no, it isn't the Choir.)
"I Saw the Devil" director Kim ji-Woon has lined up "The Last Stand" as his official entry into the world of English cinema. The movie will focus on drug lord trying to make his way down to Mexico and the sheriff hellbent on stopping him. Even better news it that Arnold Schwarzenegger himself will take on the role of said sheriff. Estaré de vuelta! According to Google that's "I'll be back" in Spanish.
Ray Liotta, Christian Slater and Ving Rhames in a straight to DVD thriller? Oh how the mighty have fallen. The movie is "The River Murders" and it's about a giant river that comes to life and murders people. Alright that's a lie, it's about a detective, played by Liotta, who is trying to hunt down a murderer who is taking out his ex-girlfriends one by one. I'm not sure I'd really work that hard to stop something like this. Sounds like someone's doing him a favor. Maybe send one of those Edible Arrangements.
Been waiting a long time for the next installment in the "Evil Dead" series? Well it looks like you might not have to wait much longer. Maybe. Word around campus is long time Sam Raimi collaborator and editor Bob Murawski has descended on Detroit to begin production on the film. If it's true it looks like the long delayed project could begin shooting sometime in the near future. If it isn't true I just look like I believe everything I read on the internet. Which I see absolutely no reason to stop doing.
Last week the internet was all abuzz with the rumor that Spike Lee might be hopping into the director's chair for the US remake of the Chan-wook Park's "Oldboy" and now it looks like he's officially been confirmed. So that happened. Feel free to go back to last week's news and read the hilarious jokes I put in the post about the rumor. I think there was something about America being awesome. Which of course is no joke. Rock, flag and eagle!
In Real People News:
Michael Todd, bassist for the awful rock band Coheed and Cambria was arrested this past weekend after he stole Oxycontin from a Walgreen’s pharmacy. Now if only the rest of the band would be picked up on charges of making terrible music I could go to sleep a happy man tonight. So in summery, I hate Coheed and Cambria.
A 57 year old man in Ireland is under arrested after his girlfriend died of an apparently allergic reaction to dog sperm. Let that sentence sink in for a minute. Alright let's move on. The two apparently met in a bestiality chat room and eventually agreed to meet in order to let the lovely lass go to town with the gentleman's dog. Later on she developed a severe reaction to the "aftermath" and eventually died at a local hospital. Interesting part here, and I feel sick saying this, is that he's not under arrest because she died but rather for allowing the dog to have sex with her in the first place. It's a terrible way to get caught for the crime though.
I don't care how many love children Arnold Schwarzenegger has had, I want to see him in "Terminator 5". Burn an American flag while your soon to be ex-wife cries in the corner for all I care. But now it looks like Arnold is putting his comeback on hold because of his recent troubles with putting his bim bam inside the maids poom poom and we'll all have to wait to see him return as the great robot one. Be straight with me, "Last Action Hero 2" is never going to happen, is it!
The Israeli slasher flick "Rabies" is all the rage with the kids and now that it's been picked up for US distribution there's a new English version poster out on the town for viewing. Of course I have no idea what makes it an English version. There's no copy other than "Rabies" on it. Is that super English? Anyway the film is about a psycho who's loose in the woods and encounters a group of teenagers. In English!
The Jim Mickle directed vampire hunter apocalypse flick "Stake Land" has finally received a release date and the even better news is I'm going to tell you it. Get ready. Are you ready? It'll hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 2nd! Kind of anticlimactic isn't it.
TV horror shows don't usually end up working out too well, I'm still waiting to find out who the killer was in "Happy Town", but god bless those nutty TV people because they keep trying. "The River" from Paranormal Activity creator Oren Peli has just picked up by ABC and now has a full trailer. The series will follow a family who goes into the Amazon to find their missing loved one who also happens to be a popular animal show host. If I was a betting man I'd put my money on the show being canceled before we find out what happened to him.
A Wisconsin man recently ate his 25,000th Big Mac after enjoying the delicious treat for close to 40 years, smashing a record that never existed to begin with. I congratulate the man for this feat but lets make one thing clear, if I had been keeping count I am 99% sure I passed 30K years ago.
I am not the least bit ashamed to admit that fluids shot out of every hole in my body when I read the news that Arnold Schwarzenegger has officially signed on to do a new "Terminator" movie. No screenwriter or director has been confirmed but Justin Lin has been rumored to be taking the camera for the flick. Oh mother of god the fluids!
2011 has already been a stellar year for the homeless and now everyone's favorite movie "Hobo With a Shotgun" is coming home to DVD and Blu-Ray. July 5th will be the date you can get your grubby little fingerless gloved mits on the 2 disc DVD or Blu-Ray that features all kinds of interviews, commentaries and other filthy treasures. Catch the hobo fever!
We're going 3 for 3 in the awesome news department kids because Steve Austin and Danny Trejo have both signed on to battle in "Recoil". Austin will play former cop who goes on a rampage after his family is murdered by a group of criminals. Trejo will of course play one of the criminals, because stereotypes are there for a reason and that reason is to help casting in films move along quickly.
Well they can't all be zingers my friends. Chris Landon is once again confirmed to be partnering up with Michael Perry to write "Paranormal Activity 3" after there were rumors that he had dropped out of the project. The duo wrote the previous film in the series and while they haven't promised it, I'm hoping will once again cast a rampaging pool cleaner. Keep your fingers crossed.
How the hell do you not think you're going to get caught urinating on cough drops at a Walgreens? There are practically video cameras everywhere these days and anywhere there isn't there's some prick taking video with his camera phone. You take cough drops into the men's room to piss on them! Everyone knows that's the only safe place.
Hey remember when Snoop Dogg was awesome? I know you think it wasn't so long ago but the truth is about two years after "Doggystyle" came out he he started doing VH1 shows and turned into the safe rapper and killed my gangsta dreams. Anyway in 2006 he made an awful movie called "Hood of Horror" and apparently he wants to make a sequel. You broke my heart Snoop, you broke it in two.
All the world has troll fever and the only fix is the Norwegian flick "The Troll Hunter". Well good news! There's a new clip from the film and while it doesn't give much in the way of trolls it does feature one salty looking Norwegian. So that's still good! Just so I'm clear when I say "the world" I actually mean Mark from the Bloody Good Horror Podcast. The guy is obsessed with the freakin thing.
If it wasn't for the fact that "Attack The Block" was made by the Brits I would say it sounds mildly racist. And no I will not explain my reasoning for this. Well there's a new trailer for the teens vs. aliens sci-fi comedy romp for you people and I think it speaks for itself. 100% honest, I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about anymore.
Kate Beckinsale has been offered the role of Lori in the upcoming remake of "Total Recall". Lori of course was played by Sharon Stone in the original and for years I've been saying things like, "Hey that Kate Beckinsale, she's going to go places just like Sharon Stone did after she played Lori in the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic 'Total Recall'". I say that all the time... if you know me you know that.
Jim Mickle's "Stake Land" will finally find it's way to VOD on April 22nd after a solid run on the convention circuit. The film is the follow up to Mickle's much adored "Mulberry Street" and has nothing to do with porter houses and a lot to do with vampires running around after the Apocalypse. Kind of wish there was some actual steak involved here.
For being so friendly the Swedes sure are a sick bunch of M'Fers. Proven completely by the new trailer for "Marianne" which has hit the tubes. The film tells the story of a father who's trying to cope with the loss of his wife, a couple daughters who hate him and the spooking happenings going on in his house. It's a real feel good hit.
It looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger might be making his way back to Terminator land sometime soon or at least that's the hope. Seems Arnold is back in the ring for acting and Chris Morgan wants to kick the series back into gear so all signs are pointing to him... being back. Get it? Like "I'll be back"? That's what he said in the movies. It's funny. "It's not a tumor!"
Looks like Intrepid Pictures, who helped bring "The Strangers" and "Doomsday" to the world are lining up "Skeleton Creek" as their next flick. The movie is apparently a teen romp based on some books that I've never heard of but I guess the kids are gaga for them. It's a group of kids who come across a ghost while exploring an abandon gold mine. I'm pretty sure this was the basis of every live action Disney movie in the 70's. I hope Don Knotts is in this one.
In Real People News:
All babies are adorable. That's something you say before you learn about Le Yati Min, and discover that she has 12 fingers and 14 toes. No amount of cute can make you ignore that but her parents still insist on getting her into the Guinness Book of World Records. I assume for the extra digits thing, not for being the creepiest girl in the world. That would just be mean.
Speaking of records, here is one that you should actually find impressive. A Florida man is now in more trouble than he originally thought after smuggling 33 items into prison. How did he get all of them in? He shoved up his anus of course. It's like the old question people always ask. If you were going to be stranded on a desert island and could only bring 33 items shoved up your ass what would they be? What would they be!?