It’s that wonderful time of year again! Horror movies playing 24/7 on cable, the masses planning their Halloween party costumes, and the theme parks turning their family friendly parks into blood and gore infested lands of horror!
This past weekend I watched "The Last Stand" and it was awesome, because Arnold Schwarzenegger, and no amount of baby making with the housekeeper can make that not a fact. And "Maggie", a new film about a young girl who gets infected by a zombie and has 6 months before she turns, will be awesome as well because Arnold has signed on to star in the film. I assume he'll be the girl's father or something. Honestly he could play the little girl and the movie would still be awesome.
Friday, October 25th is the date that you'll be able to sit down and watch NBC's "Dracula" for the very first time. It'll see a short 10 episode run before being canceled I'm assuming based on the fact that it's premiering on the night they put shows to die and If you can't guess the basic plot of the show then I want you to leave my site right now. Let's move on.
I always assume Nicolas Winding Refn is German but to be honest I have no idea where the guy is from. But despite being about vikings (I think) "Valhalla Rising" seemed very German and now he's talking about a sequel that will somehow take place in Tokyo which will also find a way to be super German. I wonder what the fog in Tokyo looks like. If you don't get that joke just trust me, it's hilarious.
Brad Pitt has dropped the news that there's a solid chance that there would be a "World War Z" sequel. The first movie, which made $66 million this past weekend, only scratches the surface of the book... so another film, and probably more could be tossed out if the price is right. I'd honestly watch 2 hours of Brad Pitt doing his taxes and love it so I'm on board.
In Real People News:
Kickstarter has apologized for not taking down a guy's site that raised $16,000 for a book he plans to write about "getting awesome with woman". The book apparently promotes shoving woman "HARD", caveman-ing them and all kinds of other things. So ya know, people gave him money for that.
A Pennsylvanian woman recently opened up a bag of potatoes she bought at Walmart and discovered a snake was hiding out. I love potatoes. I hate snakes. Snakes ruin everything that is good in this world. I will now live the rest of my life thinking that there is a snake hiding in every box and bag that I open. Thanks for ruining Cheetos for me, snakes. You pricks.
"Jurassic Park 4" has been pushed to "a later date" according to Universal, who declined to elaborate on exactly what that means. This gives me more time to watch the sequels, of which I have seen zero. I have seen "Carnosaur" though, which isn't canon but I think counts anyway.
The guys who brought you the Walking Dead game last year that was actually good, Telltale Games, are working on a game based on a werewolf comic book adaptation next. Here's hoping I don't have to make the choice of whether or not I have enough food to feed the small children in my care. That pretty much put me off that game for good. It was too real man, too real...
I haven't taken an informal poll on this, but am I the only person that loved "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter"? Either way, Dominic Cooper, who played a smooth talking vampire friend to Honest Abe in that film has signed on to another vampire film, Universal's "Dracula". You know, the one that isn't actually about Dracula, instead focusing on the Vlad the Impaler mythos. Either way, I hope there's an axe with silver melted onto it. (does anyone even get that reference??)
It looks like "Frankenstein's Army" will find itself with a limited theatrical run on July 26th. The film takes place at the end of the second world war when Russian soldiers discover a secret Nazi lab where scientists are using the work of Dr. Viktor Frankenstein to build an army. I can't think of anything funny to say here that doesn't make me sound like a monster.
Every book Stephen King has ever written will be made into a movie including "Joyland", which he hasn't put out yet. Tate Taylor of "The Help" fame will adapt the story which follows a student in 1973 who begins working at a carnival and finds himself wrapped up in the legacy of a murder. It's only a matter of time before we start making movies out of his drunken crossword puzzle mishaps.
I can't think of anything worse right now than a new "Dracula" movie but Sarah Gadon has been cast in one. I don't know who she is but she was on some show called "My Dad the Rock Star" which sounds like the second worst thing.
Rob Zombie says "The Lords Of Salem" will be his last horror flick for a very long time... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Little lesson for your kids out there. If you ignore going to the dentist for multiple years it will eventually bite you in the ass and make at least 2 solid months of your life a never ending nightmare.
The idea has been kicking around for a while and now it looks like MTV will in fact be bringing "Scream" to the small screen. No confirmation on if Wes Craven will have anything to do with the project but it looks like a pilot is moving forward and if it's picked up the hour long series would hit the tube sometime next Summer. Live every day like it's your last my friends. Every god damn day.
It was only a matter of time before Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampire trilogy "The Strain" made its way from the pages up to the big screen and now it looks like Corey Stoll has landed the lead in the adaptation. Stoll will play a doctor who teams up with a small group to battle a vampire clan that has taken over the world. I've read these books. I'm smart.
August 8, 2014 will be the day that Universal Pictures finally drops "Dracula", a new film about a man who find himself turning into a wolf every time there's a full moon, into theaters. Wait no, that can't be right.
Want to go see Goblin perform the entire "Suspiria" soundtrack live in Austin Texas this summer? Me either! What if I were to tell you tickets were $175 bucks? I know I want to see them even less now too!
In Real People News:
A Michigan man has been arrested for having sex with dogs. I know in Michigan right? Crap like this never happens there.
A Florida man was recently arrested while being under the influence of LSD and asked the police to cut his penis off. I know in Florida right? Crap like this never happens there.
If you haven't caught VH1's "Wicked Single" I suggest you do yourself a favor and set aside this weekend to catch up on the first few episodes. It's like "The Jersey Shore" but a little drunker and way more ridiculous accents. I didn't know I could be this happy. I could hug every single one of you.
It looks like "Bates Motel" will continue to take reservations now that the show has been picked up for a second season by the folks at A&E. Season 2 won't hit the small tube until sometime in 2014 so enjoy what's left of season 1 while you can. This might be the most competent news item I've ever written.
Sad news indeed folks.Richard Brooker, best know for playing the role of Jason Voorhees in "Friday the 13th Part 3", passed away on Tuesday at the age of 58. Brooker was the first Jason to don the classic hockey mask and appeared in a number of documentaries over the years chronicling his time as the masked one.
So apparently if you sat through the end credits of the "Evil Dead" remake, which I didn't, you got to see some cool crap that I wont spoil here. But apparently there was plans for some even cooler crap to happen, which I will 100% try not to spoil right now. So I'm not saying someone survives all the demon happenings. But if someone did that someone might have gotten picked up by some folks driving down the road she was wondering down. She or he might have then passed out in the back seat and then possibly woken up as a deadite. That is if someone did make it through the night. I can neither deny nor confirm.
"Dracula Year Zero" is still apparently a movie. I know I'm just as surprised as you are. The latest on the film is that it's title is now simply "Dracula" and Luke Evans has been confirmed to play the lead in the film about the first vampire. Not going to lie, I feel like at this point in time if you name your film "Dracula" you're just asking to be lost in some sort of long IMDB search. You've kind of given up. Just name it "Vampire Movie" and get it over with.
In Real People News:
I feel like anyone who walks through Time Square and thinks those weirdos dressed up as children's characters are anything but creepy deserve what they get but the NYC police think otherwise because a guy dressed as the Cookie Monster has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child after he pushed around a kid and tried to force folks to give him money. Then again that Cookie Monster always seemed kind of insane so I'm not 100% sure this wasn't the real deal.
A Chicago area Grandmother is in hot water after she allegedly hired her Grandson to take out his Grandfather because she was "sick of him". I don't know why but that sentence just makes me tired. I feel like she was just so tired of picking up socks or something and just wanted to take a nap so she said "Hey Billy, do gam gam a solid and murder Grandpa ok? I just need to get some sleep."
This is apparently a thing everywhere but I never heard of it until I moved to Chicago. Yesterday was Paczki Day. Paczki is a Polish donut type thing that were made on the Tuesday before Lent to use up all the lard, sugar, fruit and other things you can't having during the fast. I don't fast or partake in Lent but I sure as hell love a Polish donut. Maybe a little too much. Maybe I ate like 3 of these things and then I heard my heart struggling to pump. I love and hate this town at the same time.
Word has it that "I, Frankenstein", the big screen adaptation of the the graphic novel with the same name, will be dropped in 3D this coming September. Now before you all go getting moist over this you should know that the film wasn't actually shot in 3D, Lionsgate will be doing all the magic in post production. So in other words it's going to suck and they're going to want 4 or 5 extra bucks for it at the theater.
David Hewlett, better know as "oh hey that guy" from a bunch of horror flicks is stepping behind the camera with a new film titled "Debug". The film is about, and stay with me here, 6 computer hackers who have to battle a rouge artificial intelligence program that wants to be human. All kidding aside that sounds like the worst movie ever. There's nothing funny about that.
And the "Zombieland" casting train keeps on chuggin. Has anyone ever used that analogy before? Man, that is awsome right? Frakin bad ass train that does casting. I'm like a freakin poet. Anyway Maiara Walsh has landed the lead role, AKA the one Emma Stone played in the original film. I'm calling this an upgrade because Stone looks like a frog and if you try to tell yourself that you think she's hot then you're only kidding yourself.
NBC is apparently making a "Dracula" series and Thomas Kretschmann has been cast as Van Helsing. I don't know who he is and this show will be canceled almost immediatly. Watch for it.
I just spent three days in Wisconsin and between the beer, sausage and cheese I'm not sure how my heart is still functioning. I took a shower Sunday night and I swear my pores started to leak cheese sauce. It tasted delicious though so I'm not so upset.
I lost interest in the second season of "American Horror Story" pretty quickly but I'm still mildly interested in seeing season 3 because I liked the first a super lot. Of course the news that Ryan Murphy has dropped that the upcoming season will be a modern day romance story does not have me giddy at all. Then again Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters have already been confirmed to be returning so maybe there will be a 3 way love triangle there so that could be frightening. You're picturing it right now aren't you. It's a terrible image.
"Sons Of Anarchy" star Charlie Hunnam has landed his greasy little locks a role in Guillermo del Toro's new flick "Crimson Peak". Details of his role are still unknown but the film is said to be a modern take on the classic ghost story. What that actually means is beyond me but what if the ghosts were actually alive and like working at our local car dealerships or something? Did I just blow your mind? I think I did.
I may or may not have completely forgotten that NBC had a "Dracula" TV series in the works but if I'm being honest here it just dawned on me that I may have a 6 year old child somewhere in the greater Philadelphia area so I've got a lot worse things to worry about. Moving on! Jonathan Jessica De Gouw has been cast in the role of Mina Murray, a young medical student who also happens to be the reincarnation of the fanged one's true love. Now that I think about it maybe I should have kept that whole kid thing to myself.
At this point the only way the "Zombieland" sequel discussion could get more ridiculous is if a script gets written so Bill Murray can shred it. But now there's talks that a TV series based on the show, which had been discussed back in 2011, may actually be a go and a call for casting has gone out. Nothing has been confirmed of course and the project will die 4 or 5 more times before the year ends but at the very least it will give me something to write about and at the end of the day isn't that all we really want? I thought so.
In Real People News:
Two strippers in Wisconsin are in hot water after they got into a full on fist fight over a dollar bill. A single dollar. Not going to lie, this sounds like the greatest strip club ever to me.
A Florida man is under arrest after he bit his girlfriend's thumb off during an argument the couple was having. The only way I can see this not ending with him in prison is if the argument was about whether or not he could bite a human thumb off.
Opening this weekend is the bizarrely titled but conceptually interesting "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". His notoriety instantaneously makes the 16th President of the United States the most famous vampire slayer amongst his peers. Though it remains to be seen whether or not the film itself can live up to some of the other impressive slayers, killers and purifiers in the realm of cinema vampire lore. So in case Mr. Lincoln doesn't satisfy your bloodlust, here are 9 Essential Vampire Hunter Films.
Do they still make Veryfine drinks? When I was in High School the grape was like pure cocaine to me. I'm pretty sure there isn't an ounce of actual juice in there but it was delicious. One time a buddy of mine made me laugh so hard that the grape drink shot out my nose in front of a group of upper class girls. I don't mean they were really classy. They were actually a bunch of hippies and kind of smelled. But they were two grades ahead of me. Whatever you call that.
"Snow Piercer", a new film about a group of people trapped on a train after the world freezes over, has gotten itself a pretty dandy cast so far. Tilda Swinton, John hurt and Chris Evans to name a few. And now Ewen Bremner, the guy who played Spud in "Trainspotting", has joined the cast. Why that's the second most famous Ewen in that movie! Gold baby, this picture's going to be gold!
Let me be Joe with you for a second. I love me some Halloween and I love me some comedy. So I'm pretty excited for the new horror/comedy "Fun Size" about a teenager who loses her little brother on Halloween. It's got everything I love! But now the film has been pushed back two weeks to an October 26th theater release. Which I guess makes perfect sense since that's Halloween weekend. Ignore my disappointment. I'm so stupid sometimes.
If you had the same kind of Oscar fever as I did then you enjoyed watching "The Walking Dead" this past Sunday night. Get it? Cause "The Walking Dead" was on at the same time as the Oscars so I'm saying I didn't even watch them. God I hate you. Colin Vaines produced "My Week with Marilyn" and I'm 75% sure that was nominated for something so let's get excited about him developing a "classic ghost story" with writer David Pirie. No details on the plot or title, but it's the Oscars, baby, Gold! It's all going to be gold.
"Mirror Mirror" is apparently a retelling of Snow White that stars Julia Roberts as the evil witch. Mother of god I hate Julia Roberts. She's the female Billy Crystal. Jason Keller is one of the writers on the project and he just sold a new Dracula story to Sony. Please try not to get this mixed up with the 19 other Dracula movies in the works and the 14 TV shows based on the classic blood sucker being developed. Feel free to confuse it with my fan fiction though. My site Draculainjersey.org could use the hits.