nicolas cage

Horror Headlines: Tuesday October 2nd, 2012

I have no idea what to make of Nicolas Cage anymore. I do nothing but joke about him but every movie he comes out with I want to see. Take "I am Wrath" for instance, which has just landed "The Exorcist" director William Friedkin. The plot is pretty played out, a guy takes the law into his own hand after his wife is murdered, but Cage will be all kinds of nuts in it and make weird faces and I will love it. Even if it's awful. It's going to be awful.

"Sleeping With the Enemy" director Joseph Ruben has officially signed on to remake the 1945 Orson Welles classic "The Stranger". For those of you not familiar with the original the film focuses on a reformed serial killer who is reunited with his old partner who tries to convince him to start killing again. I don't know what it is but anytime I'm reminded of Julia Roberts I want to murder too. I think it's her face.

Elijah Wood has always been a creepy little SOB but I had no idea he was such a horror nut. But according to the internet, which never lies, the snaggled toothed one has partnered up to form The Woodshed, a new production company aimed at bringing horror to the masses. I don't really know how horror isn't already being brought to the masses but the company has already lined up a gaggle of flicks that it plans on dropping in the near future. It's weird that Kirsten Dunst and him never got together now that I think about it.

AJ Bowen and Barbara Crampton have both been confirmed for the upcoming Halloween comedy "Grow Up". Solid chance you can guess the premise of this one but just so we're all on the same page it focuses on a young man who refuses to let the joys of his youth end. Sounds like every person that reads or writes for this site. I think we've got a winner.

In Real People News: 

You're a gym teacher in NYC and a 6 year old just beat you up. It's got to be nothing but uphill from here.

I've seen a bunch of movies where people try to eat all the drugs they have before the cops bust them but I had no idea people in real life were stupid enough to try it. Congrats guy in Scranton PA who tried to eat a entire pot plant, you're now on the same level as those three burn outs from "Super Troopers".

Horror Headlines: Monday, January 30th, 2012

This morning on the way to work I saw a pile of old VHS tapes and a used rubber on the sidewalk. Not in the same pile, that would just be weird. Not that the two things being in separate piles isn't weird. Last week I saw two Sega Genesis' on the street. The point of this story is that someone who lives near me is having a crap load more fun then I am.

Eric Powell, creator of "The Goon" comic recently took to his blog to set the record straight on the current status of the big screen adaptation of the book. Despite rumblings around the net the movie is still very much going to happen and the production company behind it is currently looking for funding. I don't know if that means they're having bake sales or something but honestly that doesn't sound too good.

If you're as excited about ABC's "The River" as I am then you're honestly not that excited. It's on Tuesdays. I already have shows on Tuesdays. I'm not even sure I can work it into my schedule. The new website that just launched for it isn't really helping either. Sure it's all animated and crap and sure it's like a fun game but seriously, there's going to be DVR conflicts out the ying yang for this thing.

I love me some Linnea Quigley, I don't care what age. Alright that sounds kind of creepy but the news here is that the lipstick queen will be showing up in "1313: Cougar Cult". The film is set to go direct to DVD (shocker) on February 7th and revolves around a group of college guys who get a summer job working for three older women who actually turn into cougars. I think that's a pun, or a play on words, or a haiku.

I have no idea what these ramblings mean but Nicolas Cage wants to remake "The Wicker Man"... in Japan... and have "Ringu" director Hideo Nakata direct it... and have the main character be a ghost this time. No sarcastic comments here, folks. Someone needs to help this guy.

In Real People News: 

Ever wonder what happens when you're unconscious in a hospital? Well apparently in one Utah hospital what happens is you get some free oral sex. Weather you want it or not. But you know you wanted it. Sinner.

A homeless man has been rescued after he was stuck in mud for over three days near the Rio Grande. He then went to jail because he had a number of outstanding warrants. It's a happy ending.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday November 8th, 2011

Good news Harry Potter fans! Mr. Elijah Wood has been confirmed to be taking on the lead role in the upcoming "Maniac" remake. Yes I know he didn't play the little wizard boy but now that I mention it they do kind of look alike right? Man it's fun to do things. A remake of the 1980 cult classic, Wood will play the role of a serial killer who stalks his pray while experiencing strange hallucinations. Avada Kedavra!

Ryan O'Nan is the latest name to be added to the ever growing cast list of "Frozen Ground". The film, which stars John Cusak and Nicolas Cage tells the story of a real life serial killer who hunted people like game on his land in Alaska. O'Nan will play a state trooper who helps with the hunt. I don't think I've ever seen a movie this guy was in so I'm really drawing a blank on any witty comments. I'm sorry I've let you down.

It's time to throw another shrimp on the barbie and drink a spot of tea! Why you might ask? Because the 1978 Australian flick "Patrick" is getting the remake treatment. The movie, which tells the story of a man who starts to flex his psychokinetic powers when he goes into a coma after killing his mother and her lover, will have a release date sometime in 2012 and will be directed by Mark Hartley. A cast is already shaping up and right now I don't see Paul Hogan's name anywhere on the list but I assume it's only a matter of time.

NBC has given the thumbs up to a new series titled "Hannibal" which will be based on everyone's favorite cannibal Hannibal Lecter. The show will skip the whole pilot process and go directly to 13 episodes in the hopes that the kids will go gaga for it. Not little kids though. It would be weird if you sat a 3 year old down to watch a show about a guy who eats people. That's just how I parent though. I'm not judging you.

In Real People News: 

We've all been so in love that when our better half decides to leave us we feel like ending it all. If you're going to go all the way though pick a better solution then this guy in Florida who decided to overdose on Flintstone Vitamins. Not only will you not die, you'll probably be in better shape and might even live forever.

A Texas mechanic is in hot water after he took a bunch of up-skirt photos of a costumer while she was waiting for her... lube job. not going to lie, I'm a little confused. Based on numerous movies I was under the impression girls not only enjoyed this sort of thing while at the auto shop, they rewarded it in a big big way.

Horror Headlines: Monday November 7th, 2011

Selma Blair has been in a lot of movies over the years, but to me she'll always be that girl who made out with Buffy in that crappy teen movie where everyone dry humped. You know the one I'm talking about. Well now she's set to star in "Columbus Circle", a new flick where she'll play a girl who hasn't left her apartment in nearly 20 years who has to confront her fears when her neighbor is murdered. I look forward to not remembering her in this also. Unless she makes out with a girl from a crappy 90's TV show. The cast of "Charmed" I'm looking at you.

When a movie gets pushed back a couple weeks you take notice, but don't really get worried. When the Sam Raimi produced film "The Possession" gets pushed from a January release to August 31 then you start to think something might be up. The movie, which follows a couple kids who accidentally unleash a an evil spirit hell bent on their destruction, has already been pushed once before so nothing good can come of this. Although maybe Raimi just likes the summer months. They're so much happier.

Legendary Pictures has acquired the rights to a new flicked currently titled "Spectral" which is being described as a grittier version of "Ghostbusters". The film comes from Ian Fried, a name I find on IMDB but I'm assuming it's not the same guy who was the voice of Timothy in "The Secret of NIMH". Although if it is I'm already a giant fan.

Think you're sick of exorcism films? Well think again my friends because none other than Nicolas Cage is being courted for a new film "The Quiet Ones". The film is based on the real life happenings of a team of Cambridge academics in the 1970's who record their investigation as they attempt to exorcise a poltergeist from a young girl. Didn't I blow your mind this time? Didn't I?

In Real People News: 

Watching "Dexter" pretty much gives you all the tools you'd need to carry out a good old fashioned murder. But who has time to go to the store and get one of those rubber suits? So you improvise! Like this woman in LA who covered herself in bubble wrap before she attempted to kill her ex-lover. It's like something you'd learn on one of those craft shows on PBS Sunday mornings.

Dealing with drive up tellers at the bank can be a real bummer. Especially when they're all pissy and act like pricks. So why not do like this man in Florida and take a leak in the pneumatic tube. I know what you're thinking. How the hell do I know what they call that tube you shoot your money over to the bank in? I'm not just a pile of good looks folks.

Vampire's Kiss (REVIEW)

I clearly remember the first time I saw the Nicolas Cage remake of “The Wicker Man”. I was at my neighbor’s place and had convinced him to give it a shot because I had heard that it was one of the worst movies ever made. We weren’t disappointed. We were treated to some of the worst over-acting ever committed to film, a plot so absurd it involved Nicolas Cage punching out an elderly woman while dressed up as a bear and the only death scene I’ve ever seen that involved an Abraham Lincoln-esque beard of bees. Sure, it was abjectly terrible, but my God was it funny. Problem is, it hooked me.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday October 19th, 2011

What the world needs now is more graphic novel adaptations. Now more than ever. So thank the good people at Solipsist Films who are making a big screen adaptation of the GN (let's call them GN's from now on, it sounds hip) "In The Dust". The GN tells the story of a group of families being attacked by vampires in 1930's Chicago. The world also needs more vampire movies but that goes without saying.

There hasn't been a ton of BUZZ around "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D" (see what I did there) but today we've got our first poster from the flick. And while I don't think the poster is going to cause much BUZZ on the tubes I sure am glad I SAW it. Oh man I'm on a roll today. A chainsaw roll! That makes no sense I know but let's just go with it.

If there's been a question on my mind since the announcement of "Piranha 3DD" it's how the hell were they going to bring back Ving Rhames? Well today we've got a teaser for the flick and we find out. I don't want to spoil it but it's pretty awesome. There's also a ton of boobs. It's a good day.

You don't need to know what "Black Butterfly" is about. You just need to know that Nicolas Cage has signed on to the film and that it will be awesome. Alright fine! The movie's about a drunk author who takes in a hobo in the hopes of finding inspiration. Man I can't wait to see how they make this movie awesome because that story sounds terrible.

In Real People News: 

Did you see "The Town"? Man it was pretty great. Ben Affleck has officially warmed his way back into my heart. I forgive him for all that J-Lo crap. A group of Brooklyn fellas must have liked it too because they've been arrested on suspicion of burglarizing 62 small businesses and using the tactics used in the movie as their inspiration. It's that good!

I'm no one to judge people for their turn-ons but I've always made it a point to ask someone before I go around licking their knees and face. But maybe things are done differently in Arizona. I don't know. I'm old fashioned.

Horror Headlines: Thursday July 28th, 2011

Looks like "Tales From the Crypt" might be headed back to the little screen sometime in the not too distant future. But before you go getting your Crypt Keeper thong dusted off you should know that the series will in no way resemble the original series that went off the air some 15 years ago. The show will be an hour long series with a continuous storyline focusing on characters from the comic book, meaning no anthology here. The project still needs to be pitched to networks so there's a good chance this might not even land on HBO. God willing it'll at least be on cable though. No blood and boobs would just be sad.

Everyone's favorite cuddly Brit Simon Pegg is set to star in a new horror comedy title "A Fantastic Fear of Everything". The movie will follow a children's novelist turned crime scribe who is researching serial killers and becomes paranoid that the world is out to get him. I hope he ends up combining the two genres and eventually begins fearing little baby murderers because that would be adorable.

While we all sit and wait patiently for a "Con Air" sequel it looks like Nicolas Cage and John Cusak are teaming up for a new film titled "Frozen Ground". The movie is based on the true story of serial killer Robert Hansen who abducted 24 women, let them loose in the Alaskan wilderness and hunted them. Cusak will play Hansen and Cage will pay the law man who cracks the case. So it's kind of like "Con Air" if it had made you want to cry in the shower for an hour or so after watching it.

Legendary director Robert Zemeckis is in talks to get behind the camera again for a new sea beast flick currently titled "Here There Be Monsters". The films story focuses on Revolutionary War naval fighter John Paul Jones and his battle with sea monsters. I can't confirm this but I think it's based on a true story. The film is still in it's early stages but I'm already excited for the "Sea Men" jokes on the podcast.

In Real People News: 

An Arizona man is under arrest after he reportedly murdered his girlfriend after she confessed to cheating on him and then proceeded to continue living with her for about two months. But that would have to smell you might be thinking. Don't worry, he covered her in carpet cleaner and deodorizer. Problem solved.

And here's a warm little story about a man who took the only action you really can when you're refused alcohol at a restaurant because you're too intoxicated. He took out his manhood and shook it at the waiter. Just a warning though that the "only action" is also very much illegal and will get you tossed in jail.

Drive Angry (REVIEW)

At this point in his career Nicolas Cage has fallen into the same category at Tom Cruise. There's no doubt he's got talent, movies like "Leaving Las Vegas" are proof enough of that. But at some point he took a hard left and now it's almost impossible to take him seriously. "Drive Angry" is a throw back to the late 80's and early 90's action movies a lot of us grew up watching and if it had been made back then it probably would have been taken a lot more seriously, or at the very least, we'd still be in a Pre-"The Wicker Man" Nic Cage world.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday December 22nd, 2010

You read it here first. 2011 will be the year of Nicolas Cage. There's no denying it. He's got 47 films coming out including "Drive Angry" which now has a trailer for your viewing pleasure. The movie follows Nic as he angrily drives around looking for his daughters murderers. Then he drives some more.

According to Vin Diesel he's been tasked with having 3 different body types for this upcoming "The Chronicles of Riddick: Dead Man Stalking" flick. Of course he compared each of those types to his other movies and I've never once seen him look different in anything but what the hell do I know. Despite internet reports that have stated otherwise I won't spend my free time looking at Vin Diesel's washboard abs.

There's a new image, poster and synopsis for "Red Riding Hood". Don't bother clicking I'll explain them all. The pic is of Amanda Seyfried behind a tree, the poster is of Amanda Seyfried from far away and the synopsis is way to long for me to read but I assume the movie's going to be awful. You're welcome.

Finally here's the gals over at Team Unicorn, a group that I assumed was a number of things I can't mention here, have put together a video on how to deal with Zombies this holiday season titled "A Very Zombie Holiday". Adorable isn't it?

In Real People News: 

Am I the only one who thinks flash mobs are just a bunch of assholes looking for an excuse to be clever? Well so do the folks at the Westfield Galleria in Roseville CA after they had to evacuate the mall because so many people showed up to do their stupid mob crap they thought the building might collapse.

And here's a nice lesson to teach the kids. Just because you get so mad at your cab driver that you pull a knife on him doesn't mean you shouldn't still tip him when the ride is over. That's just common courtesy.

Horror Headlines: Thursday December 9th, 2010

Nicolas Cage, who many consider the world's greatest actor of all time to ever be invented, is here with a new clip from his soon to be Academy Award winning film "Season of the Witch". In it Cage battles a bunch of wolves and of course wins. Well alright not really, but I bet he could if he wanted to.

Remember last week when I told you that the upcoming "Alien" prequel had been pushed out a year to at least 2013? Well if you said yes then you're a liar because I didn't... but apparently the rumors have been flying. Well it looks like the 2012 release date is still actually happening, if the film actually happens. I say that because it also looks like Fox has not officially given the film a thumbs up. Confused? Me too. Let's talk about something else. Some weather we're having huh? Winter is officially here!

Apparently that guy who's married to Katy Perry is some kind of actor and will star in a new "Beetlejuice" type film called "RentaGhost", which itself is based on a BBC series that ran twenty some years ago. Oh alright, I'm just kidding I know he's an actor, he just really sucks.

"The Raven" has absolutely nothing to do with Edgar Allan Poe but it is being produced by Mark Wahlberg. So that's nice, right? The movie is about a guy running around downtown LA while a bunch of police drones try to track him down. Truth be told this might have something to do with Edger Allan Poe, I don't care much for reading, I just assumed something with Marky Mark attached to it wouldn't be that classy.

In Real People News: 

A Sudanese court has convicted seven men after they were arrested for wearing makeup during a fashion show in Khartoum. How freakin awesome is that? Can we get those pricks in Green Day to head over there? That 50 year old man wearing eyeliner needs some prison time.

A longtime Santa in downtown San Francisco has been fired from Macy's after a couple complained about his joke that it's "too bad" when older people who sit on his lap say they've been good. San Francisco is also the same city that recently banned toys from Happy Meals. So it's confirmed... San Francisco is now officially a part of Canada.

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