Maggie

Horror Headlines: Monday June 24th, 2013

This past weekend I watched "The Last Stand" and it was awesome, because Arnold Schwarzenegger, and no amount of baby making with the housekeeper can make that not a fact. And "Maggie", a new film about a young girl who gets infected by a zombie and has 6 months before she turns, will be awesome as well because Arnold has signed on to star in the film. I assume he'll be the girl's father or something. Honestly he could play the little girl and the movie would still be awesome.

Friday, October 25th is the date that you'll be able to sit down and watch NBC's "Dracula" for the very first time. It'll see a short 10 episode run before being canceled I'm assuming based on the fact that it's premiering on the night they put shows to die and If you can't guess the basic plot of the show then I want you to leave my site right now. Let's move on.

I always assume Nicolas Winding Refn is German but to be honest I have no idea where the guy is from. But despite being about vikings (I think) "Valhalla Rising" seemed very German and now he's talking about a sequel that will somehow take place in Tokyo which will also find a way to be super German. I wonder what the fog in Tokyo looks like. If you don't get that joke just trust me, it's hilarious.

Brad Pitt has dropped the news that there's a solid chance that there would be a "World War Z" sequel. The first movie, which made $66 million this past weekend, only scratches the surface of the book... so another film, and probably more could be tossed out if the price is right. I'd honestly watch 2 hours of Brad Pitt doing his taxes and love it so I'm on board.

In Real People News: 

Kickstarter has apologized for not taking down a guy's site that raised $16,000 for a book he plans to write about "getting awesome with woman". The book apparently promotes shoving woman "HARD", caveman-ing them and all kinds of other things. So ya know, people gave him money for that.

A Pennsylvanian woman recently opened up a bag of potatoes she bought at Walmart and discovered a snake was hiding out. I love potatoes. I hate snakes. Snakes ruin everything that is good in this world. I will now live the rest of my life thinking that there is a snake hiding in every box and bag that I open. Thanks for ruining Cheetos for me, snakes. You pricks.

Horror Headlines: Friday, May 11th, 2011

Sunday is Mother's Day. You're welcome for the reminder you thoughtless prick.

I've still got Chloe Moretz fever. I say still because I'm pretty sure I've used this joke before and I know you jag-offs at home are keeping score so I wanted to play it safe. The news here though is that Moretz is in talks with Inferno Entertainment to play a zombie in their new film "Maggie". The film follows Maggie's 6 month transformation into a zombie and will be awesome. Unless Dakota Fanning somehow ends up playing the role. That would blow.

You had me at "From the producer of 'The Crow'". That's sarcasm by the way, I don't want you to ever mistake my sarcasm as love for "The Crow". When I was in High School I was on the football team and there was this prick Marty who painted his face like the Crow before a game. I will hate that kid till the day I die for that reason alone. Well his odd passion for country music too but mostly the crow thing. My point is Edward R. Pressman is working on an adaptation of the graphic novel "Feeding Ground".

"'The Raid' WILL EXPLODE IN OVER 280 CINEMAS ACROSS THE UK & IRELAND ON 18 MAY". I don't care how old I get saying something will "explode" will always make me chuckle. Think about it. Ya know... like when a man... NEVERMIND! But the rumors are true, the little movie that could about a lone cop left standing after a drug raid will be hitting selected theaters this month for your viewing pleasure. Unless of course you're in the US. Then you get no pleasure.

The guys who wrote a bunch of those "Not Another..." movies are now writing a spoof of "The Hunger Games" called "The Starving Games". I don't think I can do this anymore.

In Real People News: 

Here's a story about a group of 6th grade boys down in Mexico that made a gay porn in one of their classrooms. Congratulations Mexico, you're come up with the most disturbing story I've ever read.

A Florida man, I know shocking, decided to stab his computer with a Samurai sword as police raided is house looking for child pornography. Yes there's no way that this will erase anything from his hard drive but you got to admire his style. Ya know, as much as you can admire a guy who's downloading kiddie porn.

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