Mockingbird Lane

Horror Headlines: Monday January 7th, 2013

Every time I watch an episode of "Shahs of Sunset" a little bit of me dies. Just to be clear I've watched every episode this season. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror.

The internerds are all a flutter about a new rumor floating around that Mark Frost and David Lynch are in talks with NBC to revive the "Twin Peaks" series for a third season. Whether or not the rumors are true remain to be seen but if they are it sounds like Lynch is hoping most or all of the original cast will return and the series will pick after the same amount of time it's been since the show went off the air. I never watched the show so I really don't have anything funny to tack on here. Kyle MacLachlan looks like he wears women's underwear though.

If you've been waiting around with baited breath for the new A&E series "Bates Motel" well I have good news for your and your mouth. The show will finally hit the airwaves on March 18th for your viewing pleasure. I mean it's not great news. The series based on the Alfred Hitchcock's classic film "Psycho" is still a couple months away. And it won't be on till 10 pm. So you still have some waiting to do. I'm sorry I got your hopes up.

It sounds like NBC may not be done with a reboot of "The Munsters" series after all. Days after it was announced they would not be moving forward with Bryan Fuller's "Mockingbird Lane" the channels main man Bob Greenblatt came out saying they won't rule out do another show based on the series. He went on to say he likes the idea of a new show but "Mockingbird Lane" just didn't work. So kind of a big "it's not me it's you" to Fuller. He then returned all of Fuller's t-shirts that he had in his closet. And tore all the pictures of the two of them together in half. It was really ugly.

So "Texas Chainsaw 3D" brought the ruckas big time this weekend at the box office. The new sequel, retelling or whatever the hell you want to call it of Tobe Hooper's classic 1974 chainsaw romp took in $23 million this past weekend making it number 1, beating out "Django Unchained" and "The Hobbit" and pretty much guaranteeing we'll see sequel. Or a threequil. Or a prequel? I saw the flick and I honestly have no idea what to call it.

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If you're going to rob a store you might want to come up with a get away plan that doesn't involve calling your mom and asking for a ride. I mean you obviously set up a time for your mom to meet you. Moms are never late. Unless it's on a sitcom and you're getting out of soccer practice. That's just common knowledge.

Two California teen girls are under arrest after they drugged their parents milkshake so they could get onto the internet. I'm not saying I condone this but I understand. Sometimes you really just need to watch some porn.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday January 2nd, 2013

Welcome to 2013! The year of the antelope. For those of you wondering if I've made any sort of resolution, I have not. I would like to drop a few pounds though. None of my shirts seem to fit anymore. Perhaps I should stop eating cheese curls for breakfast. They're just so good though! I also have no idea if that antelope thing is real.

The re-make of the slasher classic "Maniac" staring Elijah Wood has yet to receive a release date, but the first 6 minutes of the flick have popped up online and are now ready for your eyes to gaze upon. 6 minutes sounds like a lot, but a few minutes is the credits. Then there's a lot of first person shots of a girl walking down the street. Then there's some Spanish subtitles. So I'd say if you like walking, subtitles and credits this is your movie.

It looks like NBC has officially put "Mockingbird Lane" out to pasture. I mean they canceled it. I'm not sure if my metaphor was clear. I'm not sure that was actually a metaphor either. God I'm so confused. But, just to confirm, the show's creator Bryan Fuller tweeted that the series, an updated take on the classic "The Musnters" series has been canceled. He then Insta-tweeted a picture of some really AMAZE grilled cheese he got at this little cheese shop he knows down in the Valley.

The good folks behind "The Walking Dead" will be releasing a new app this coming week at DeadYourself.com that will allow fans to zombify themselves and also offer exclusive content when the show returns on February 10th. Ya know what else you'll be able to do? Zombify ex-girlfriends! That'll show 'em, huh? Maybe then you'll finally get up the courage to ask for your Phish CDs back. You need those Phish CDs.

David S. Goyer has taken to the internets to shoot down any rumors floating around that he will be directing the upcoming big screen adaptation of "Hellsing", a new film about a secret agency who battles the forces of evil. No word on who will be taking to the chair or where the rumor started but if I were to guess I'd bet it's those pricks over at The National Enquirer. That still exists rights?

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Here's a heartwarming story about a father who's been arrested for beating his two kids because they farted in the car. It's hard not to get a little misty. That could be the gas though.

A 50 year old Florida woman is facing battery charges after she beat the holy living hell out of her 32 year old boyfriend for not making sure her needs were met in the bedroom after he got his jollies. I'm not really sure how else to word this without making you, myself and everyone else uncomfortable.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday October 3rd, 2012

Alexander Ludwig was apparently in "The Hunger Games" but I'm pretty sure I'd remember seeing his prick looking face during the film so I'm not positive he was. He will be in the new revenge flick "Final Girl" though. Or at least that's what the hyper tubes are telling me. Ludwig (just typing that makes me angry) will play one of the young lads who pick the wrong girl to harass and find themselves in a world of hurt.

Hey don't you just love Rutina Wesley on "True Blood"?! Trick question! If you said yes then we can't be friends anymore. But let's settle this later because right now we're talking about how Rutina has been cast in "Angry Little Gods", the US remake of the Thai horror flick "13: Game of Death". The flick focuses on a man trying to pay for his wedding when he's told he's on a hidden camera show and must complete 13 tasks. If task number 1 was to watch an episode of "True Blood" I'd lose before that stupid theme song was over.

Dimension Films has slapped their new alien abduction flick "Dark Skies" with a February 22nd 2013 release date. Staring Keri Russell (OMG Felicity!) the film focuses on a family being terrorized by aliens who invade their home each night. Alright I've never seen an episode of "Felicity". I know she ruined the show when she cut her hair though. Everyone knows that.

Rumors are floating around that NBC may in fact be pulling the plug on "Mockingbird Lane", their "The Munsters" reboot, before the show even gets going. Of course the show's creator, Bryan Fuller, has taken to the tweets to say those rumors are complete BS so all we can do is wait and see. Or we could just ignore the whole thing all together. Let's do that. No one cares about this show anyway to be honest. I'm sorry I brought it up.

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You threaten my cat, I shoot you. So sayeth this white trash woman in Texas. And it was so.

Here's a picture of a 4 pound hairball that was removed from a 19 year old girl's stomach in India recently. Feel free to post comments below with what you find in your throw up after viewing the photo.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

Chris Fedak, one half of the duo that brought you "Chuck" has set his sights on a new project based on the magic of Mr. Harry Houdini. The story will focus on a high school kid who discovers a link to the legendary magician and must use clues left from him to uncover a great secret. No word yet on title, cast or filming dates so you're welcome for all the exciting details.

If you're excited about "Mockingbird Lane" then prepare to get a full on robot chubby when you hear the news that the show's producer Bryan Fuller has dropped word that some of your favorite Universal monsters will also be popping up in the show. The Wolfman, Frankenstein, Dracula and a gaggle of others are planned for the show which is a reboot of the classic 60's sitcom "The Munsters". I guess I don't know for sure one of those is your favorite. But I think it's a safe guess. I'm sorry I assume things sometimes.

I refuse to watch any web series because let's be honest if it was really that good it would be on TV because that's where good things go. But someone must have been watching "Mortal Kombat: Legacy" because the series creator Kevin Tancharoen has let the world know he's working on a second season that will focus on the tournament itself rather than character story. I assume that means the first season focused on the character's story. I don't know. I already said I didn't watch it. The web is dumb.

If you're a fan of the podcast you know that we were all pretty giddy over the Aussie flick "The Loved Ones". Well good news for all of you who don't have big Hollywood hook ups who give us big bags of cash to view screeners like us because the flick is going to hit DVD on September 11th. Why would someone from Hollywood pay us to watch a movie from Australia you might be asking. Shut up don't question me. The disc will include the unrated version of the film along with cast and crew interviews. You will not be able to understand a word of it.

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Writing your own obituary before you die is a nice touch. You can make sure everyone knows exactly what you feel without having to worry about them being pissed at you. Like this guy from Utah who admitted to stealing a safe from a drive-in back in 1971, being banned from Disneyland and Seaworld and having a fake PhD. It must have been nice to get that off his chest.

Attacking your girlfriend is one thing but attacking her with the dog you just killed is just a whole new level of nutso. And creative. But mostly nutso.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

On this day in History all the way back in 1933 the first Drive-In movie theater opened up in Camden, New Jersey. I know, i'm crying too. Let's just hold each other for a while.

"True Blood" actress Mariana Klaveno has her sultry little eyes set on playing Lily Mubnter in the upcoming "Munsters" reboot titled "Mockingbird Lane". Problem is she's already signed a contract to play a role on the ABC series "Devious Maids", which has already been canned but may move to Lifetime. So she's all "I wanna play Lily Munster!" And they're all "but you have to do our stupid show!" And she's all "But I didn't know about the Lily Munster role when I agreed to do your stupid show!" And They're all "Too bad stupid!". That's an actual transcript.

Rumor has it that the script for "Phantasm 5" has already been completed and the project will begin filming sometime this year. Nothing has been officially announced and seeing that Angus Scrimm is pushing 90 there's a solid chance he won't be filling The Tall Mans shoes but if we all hold hands and pray then maybe we can make this happen. Let's sing a song now.

IFC Midnight has swooped in to grab the rights to "Replicas", a new home invasion flick from first time director Jeremy Power Regimbal. The movie, about a family who find themselves trapped in their suburban home after moving to start a new life after a tragic event, has yet to be given a release date but may find it's way to VOD later this year. It will also probably play in some weird crappy theater that smells like falafel and doesn't serve popcorn because it isn't eco friendly.

This sounds like a joke but it isn't. At least I don't think it is. Clive Barker, as in "Hellraiser" Clive Barker, has signed on to rewrite the script for the film "Zombies vs. Gladiators". The film, as you might have guessed, is about a group of Roman gladiators who must battle a horde of zombies after they're unleashed on the Colosseum by a aging shaman. This sounds both insane and awesome at the same time.

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It's a simple rule of summer that a lot of us forget. If a 9 year old hits you with a water balloon you have every right to push him on the ground and kick the crap out of him. It's a law in most states.

I will give any man 100 dollars if they can read this story about a North Carolina woman who squeezed a man's privates so hard that one of his balls popped out and no squirm in their seat.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

I'm probably going to be disappointed here but I'm actually looking forward to "Mockingbird Lane", a new series based on the classic show "The Munsters". I will say Jerry O'Connell is kind of a weird choice for the role of Herman Munster if they're trying to make this version more dark than the original but what do I know. He was rather spellbinding in "Kangaroo Jack".

A horror movie doesn't always need blood, a killer or even jump scares but it better damn well have Malcolm McDowell. Luckily for "Mischief Night", a new flick about a girl being stalked by a killer she starts to have feelings for, it now has some double M action in its cast list. If there's one complaint people have always had about "The Birds" it's that it needs more McDowell.

Mads Mikkelsen might be the most bad ass name ever imagined and I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit I'm petrified of the guy. So I'd venture to say he's a good choice to play the lead role in the upcoming "Hannibal" TV show. He seems like the kind of guy who would actually eat another person just to get into character. To Mads Mikkelsen! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

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There are numerous places that it's okay to let your kid play. A sandbox, the beach or a jungle gym are some good examples. Railroad tracks on the other hand are a terrible, terrible place to let your kid play and you will go to jail for it. You're welcome.

Sometimes you got to sweet talk a girl. You can't just rush up and ask if you can bed her. I wouldn't peg a woman who would stab a man in the head to be that kind of woman but apparently she is. It's kind of ironic isn't it? Don't you think?

Horror Headlines: Friday, May 25th, 2012

Chances are most of you have checked out already for the long weekend so I kind of feel like I can say anything I want in the news today and no one will notice. Even if you actually showed up to work and are looking at this copy you're not really reading it. You're thinking of dry humping your best gal on the beach somewhere or whatever the hell it is you'll be doing this weekend. So here it goes... I've never understood why people like "Lord Of the Rings" and I've never found Angelina Jolie attractive. Alright let's do this.

The Spy Kid himself Mason Cook has signed on to play the role of young Eddie Munster in NBC's new series "Mockingbird Lane". For those of you not familiar with the show "Mockingbird Lane" is an updated and much darker retelling of the classic sitcom "The Munsters". One time when I was in middle school I tried to make it with a butter churn.

New Jersey's own Zoe Saldana has been added to the cast of "Machete Kills" and Danny Trejo himself has confirmed that he gets to put his mouth on her. How's that for news? I watched 3 seasons of "Glee" before I realized it was awful.

If there's one complaint I always hear about the classic film "The Exorcist" it's that the film is just too darn scary and needs to be watered down. Well good news for all those who hate awesome things the flick is being remade and for television. The show will be a ten part series and in all fairness with "Martha Marcy May Marlene" director Sean Durkin onboard I don't hate this idea as much as I thought I would. I illegally downloaded 3 Linkin Park songs that I have on my iPod when I run.

Derek Mears, who's been in every horror movie made in the last 15 years, only covered in make up... and Caroline Williams, who played Stretch in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", have been added to the cast of the much anticipated "Hatchet 3". My first time was with a girl I met on the internet and never spoke to again after that night.

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Sometimes you've got to get the skid marks out and the only way to do that is to break into your neighbor's house and do your laundry. Sometimes that is.

In case you were wondering, Ted Kaczynski, better known as the Unabomber, will not be able to attend his 50th college reunion at Harvard. Ya know, cause of all the bombs and stuff he makes.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, March 21st, 2011

I have no idea how I got by before I discovered the Trenta iced coffee at Starbucks. I've been downing at least 1 a day for the past week. Yesterday I had two of the 31oz drinks and discovered the meaning of life. Of course I then blacked out from caffeine overload and when I came to forget the meaning of life. but still, it was pretty awesome.

In all honestly I don't understand the concept of BBC America. It's the BBC... but it's in America? Doesn't BBC mean British Broadcast.... something with a C? How can it be in America then!? And why do they drink so much tea when coffee is so awesome? Let's forget about this for a second though and talk about "Ripper Street", a new show being made for the channel set in 1889 during the fallout from the Jack The Ripper murders. I bet they're going to drink a ton of tea on the show.

Little known fact, "True Blood" is one of the worst shows on TV right now. Well it's not on RIGHT NOW, but you get what I mean. Well I guess it could be on right now. Repeats or something. And I don't even know how to factor in On demand. Really the point here is Season 5 doesn't start for a while and Camilla Luddington, who you might know from "Californication" has just signed on to play a fairy on the show. On the plus side there's a 95% chance she's going to get topless on the next season because she already did on "Californication" and there's really no reason not to after you've done it once.

I did not see this one coming. Eddie Izzard has been cast in the role of Grandpa Munster in the upcoming reboot of the classic TV show "The Munsters", re-titled "Mockingbird Lane" if you're wondering. Seriously I didn't see it coming. I know I'm sarcastic a lot so I think I might not be getting my point across. I did not see this coming. 100% honest. 'Eff you for judging me.

Let's start with something fun. "The Grey" has been given the all systems go for a DVD and Blu-Ray release on MAY 22nd. There's going to be commentary, deleted scenes and god willing some interviews with actual wolves.

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Normally I find the items I toss into this second spot of the news to be pretty upsetting but honestly the only thing upsetting about this woman who beat her son because of his stupid sagging pants is that she's in trouble for it. She should be given a medal. Banks should be closed in her honor today. We should have a parade.

Troy New York, the birthplace of Uncle Sam, filming sights of movies like "Scent Of A Woman" and "Gangs of New York" and now home to this guy who set up a video camera in the women's locker room at a local college. Home town hero!

Horror Headlines: Friday, February 3rd, 2012

This Sunday is the Super Bowl and I could not be more excited. Not about the stupid game or that witch Madonna prancing around in her mom jeans during half time. No it's a special day when I can really tie one on and eat the most awful things in the world. Not that that doesn't happen on a lot of other days but on Super Bowl Sunday you don't have to feel as bad about it. I'm pretty sure there's some kind of internal calendar that makes a 12 pack and 37 wings not count against your calorie intake for the day.

In a recent poll that I conducted in my head it was determined that 100% of women in America hate Katherine Heigl. The number 1 reason? I think she's hot and women hate any woman that takes my attention away from them. What a country! So no woman is going to want to see "Face Blind", which stars Heigl as a woman who suffers from a rare illness that makes it impossible for her to distinguish people by their faces. Do you have dreams where you have this and everyone looks like me? I bet you do. Silly goose.

I can't think of anyone who's actually excited about the NBC reboot of "The Munsters" but then again I don't really talk to a lot of people. If you're not up to speed the show is going to be based on the original TV series that focused on a family of monsters but will have a much darker tone. And today it looks like NBC has announced they'll be calling the show "Mockingbird Lane" rather than sticking with the original title. They're also dropping all the monsters and making the show about a group of college girls trying to make it on their own. That last part is just a guess.

A lot of people thought "Insidious" was a dandy movie. But then again a lot of people think those LMFAO jackasses are talented. What the hell is with the robot!? But just as they will keep making music it looks like James Wan will return for the inevitable sequel to least year's surprise hit. No plot or cast has been announced but it looks like the same production team and writer Leigh Whannell will return. I just hope they get that weird red faced guy to return also. And that old lady who screwed Woody Harrelson in "Kingpin". She always makes me laugh.

Octavia Spencer is Hollywood's sweetheart right now and I have nothing bad to say about that. Other than her eyes kind of freak me out. But that's it. So here's some news about her joining the cast of "Snow Piercer", a movie about a group trapped on a train after the world is frozen over. Tilda Swinton is in the movie too. She also kind of weirds me out but seems very nice. We all learned something about each other today didn't we?

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A Florida woman is under arrest after she refused to take a breathalyzer claiming she was incapable of taking one "with her big boobies". There's a mug shot in the article. It's extremely disappointing.

I don't know what the definition of a "happy ending" is for massage parlors in Pennsylvania but I'm 99% sure it doesn't involve shooting the customer in the head. I don't know for sure though. They call their subs "hoagies" out there. Freaks.

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