Hannibal

Horror Headlines: Friday February 15th, 2013

Submitted by Joe on Friday, Feb 15th 2013

Show of hands who's still climaxing? I know I am.

"Under the Dome", a new series coming to CBS that's based on the Stephen King novel about a town that finds itself enclosed in a transparent dome, has landed itself a bad guy in the form of Dean Norris. You might know Norris from his role on "Breaking Bad" or as 1st Scientist from the 1993 made for TV movie "Barbarians at the Gate". Probably from "Breaking Bad" though.

There's more horror shows coming to the boob tube than you could shake a stick at but one of the first to be announced is "Hannibal", a new series about a detective and the famous man-eater he enlists to help him track down a psychopath. Sounds pretty dandy and now NBC has confirmed an airing date of April 4th has been announced so it looks like we won't have to wait to long to get all fava beany. On a side note, don't ever shake a stick at your TV. You'll look like a crazy person.

I think I blocked out the fact that Universal is rebooting "The Mummy" franchise because I don't think Brendan Fraser is going to be in it and a Mummy film without Brendan Fraser is no Mummy movie I want to see. Now it looks like the big boys are sick of waiting for "Prometheus" writer Jon Spaihts to come up with a script so they hired Billy Ray to come up with one of his own at the same time. I guess the reasoning is one of them will come up with a script sometime soon so why not give it a go. I only hope they end up adding more writers to the pool and I get my chance. Keep your fingers crossed, Brendan.

I've never seen a single Michael Armstrong film but apparently he's the bees knees and people will be all excited to find out he's coming out of retirement to direct "Orphanage", a new film that isn't the remake of another film I haven't seen for completely different reasons. We really got to know each other today didn't we. I love you.

In Real People News:

The rules of a 3 way are very strict and it's completely understandable that if you break them you're going to get stabbed. This is North Dakota folks.

I'll be honest the idea of a 3 year old pumping gas is kind of adorable to me and I think this woman facing charges for letting her little bundle of joy do just that might be getting f'ed over. Then again I guess the point that there's video of the kid spraying himself gasoline so who can really tell if it's right or wrong.

Horror Headlines: Thursday December 13th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Thursday, Dec 13th 2012

It's often been said that if Johnny Depp and Christopher Nolan ever teamed up the world would explode from all the hot action that would be produced. Well folks get ready for the end of time because it's happening. The movie is "Transcendence" and I think it has something to do with a super computer that gets put inside a dead person or something. I'm not really sure. Truth be told I started reading the description and I started to daydream about Depp's gentle soft smile.

Gillian Anderson has been confirmed to be taking on a multi-episode role in the upcoming NBC show "Hannibal". The show is based on the much loved Hannibal Lecter character and Anderson will play the role of the good doctor's therapist. Funny story. I always get Gillian Anderson and Marlee Matlin mixed up so for a second I thought Lecter's therapist was going to be a deaf woman which I thought was kind of crazy. Good story huh?

ABC has given the thumbs up to a new zombie outbreak series titled "The Returned". Based on a novel by Jason Mott the show will focus on a small town in the Midwest where the dead return to change the lives of those they left behind. Kind of like "Pushing Daises" I'm guessing, only still on the air.

Want to know even more casting news for "Insidious Chapter 2"? Well Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson and Andrew Astor will all be returning for the second installment of the film and I have absolutely no idea who they are or what roles they played. They all have really weird names though huh? Angus. Sounds like dangus. That's funny.

In Real People News:

What do you get when a spelling mistake in the word "public" gets run in a newspaper ad? You get a "Pubic Charter School" of course. You also get hilarity.

An Oregon woman took the law into her own hands when she broke into the home of a woman she suspected of having relations with her husband and then tried to run down said husband with her pickup truck. I mean she's in jail now but still, taking the law into your own hands always sounds really bad ass.

Horror Headlines: Friday, August 24th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Friday, Aug 24th 2012

I'm sorry I left you. To be 100% honest I'm probably going to do it again really soon. Don't you wish you could quit me?

"The Maze Runner" is a new sci-fi flick about a group of men who live inside an enclosed area with monsters lurking about outside. I know I'm already confused. Originally attached to "Twilight" director Catherine Hardwicke, word has come down that Wes Ball, who I assume was harassed pretty severely in school with a name like that, has been put in the director's chair for the project. I mean "ball", right? He kind of deserved whatever he got.

I've pretty much run out of jokes to pair with news about the upcoming NBC series "Hannibal" so I'm just going to come out and tell you that Hettienne Park has been added to the cast of the show as someone's love interest. I'm not sure whose. Not mine I know that for sure. She seems nice and all don't get me wrong. Just not my type. You don't know me!

The "Maniac" remake staring Elijah Wood seemed to be confirmed, cast and filmed in a matter of about 3 weeks and now it looks like IFC Midnight has picked up the film for distribution. No word on a release date yet but if things go as planned I assume it'll hit VOD sometime this afternoon.

I still haven't seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" but according to everyone I need to see it, and I need to see the original, and I need to read the books, and I need to drop a few pounds. It's a lot to take in. Well the disappointment that I'll probably just continue to get fatter will be coupled with the news that the US remake's sequel, "The Girl Who Played With Fire", will not be released till sometime in 2014. No real surprise there since we haven't heard jack squat about the second film moving along any time soon. So this gives me a lot of time to do none of the things I talked about earlier.

In Real People News:

Now I know you can't drive and talk on the phone anymore but I have to say I've never heard of a law that says you can't drive around giving oral to a dildo while shoving a vibrator up your back side. I mean I had never heard of a law saying you can't do that until this guy from Minnesota got picked up doing just that. Way to ruin it for the rest of us buddy.

Cross country flights can be really boring. What the hell are you going to do on a 37 hour flight from New Jersey to Arizona (my time might be off)? Well I guess this one gentlemen had already seen the in flight movie because he opted to fondle the woman sitting next to him. For his sake I hope they don't edit the movies they show in prison too. That's just annoying.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Wednesday, Aug 15th 2012

Oikos Greek yogurt is on sale at the Palisades Park NJ Shop Rite. 10 for 10 bucks. RUN! Don't walk.

I'm just going to come out and say it. Tobey Maguire is a creepy little man child. He weirds me out and I haven't slept well since I knew he existed. And now he's been added to the cast of the big screen adaptation of "Z for Zachariah". The film tells the story of a girl who runs the only farm left on the planet with breathable air after the world ends. Well I mean I guess it doesn't end. She's alive. People come and meet her. This doesn't sound so bad after all.

Everyone's favorite.... I don't really know, Lara Jean Chorostecki has been added ot the cast of the upcoming NBC show "Hannibal". She'll play Freddy Lounds in the series I've explained too many times to count so I'm not going to bother doing it again. I've still only seen "Silence Of the Lambs" so I have no clue what all this means.

Terry Crews is both lovable and frightening. It's kind of amazing. I wish I was him... a lot. And now he's been cast in "Scary Movie 5", a film which is both unnecessary and not wanted. Wait no, those two things mean the same thing. I'm awful at this. Anyway I don't know what role he's going to play but if I was going to guess I would say big hulky man who is afraid of everything. Just taking a shot here.

I know we're all still very upset about K-Stew-Pat-Son Gate 2012 and I'm not sure this new development is going to make things any better. It looks like Kristen Stewart has in fact been dropped from the sequel to "Snow White and the Huntsman." I know, it hurts. Apparently there's three films planned and K-Stew will no long appear in any of them. They may also go back and digitally remove her from the DVD version of the first film. Probably not though.

In Real People News:

Remember that old SNL skit where Dan Aykroyd plays a sleazy toy maker and one of the toys he tries to sell kids is a broken bag of glass? Well I think this woman from Oklahoma saw it too because she' under arrest for spanking her 5 year old son with just that. Seriously, the skit is hilarious.

Looks like one of the guys who invented Crocs has been picked up for drunk driving. Wait no, it gets better, apparently he blamed his drunken antics on his girlfriend. Who did he claim was his girlfriend? Well Taylor Swift of course. I'll be honest I don't believe she's his girlfriend but I 100% believe this is all her fault.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Thursday, Aug 2nd 2012

Today is IPA day folks. Who decided that? I have no idea but I know if you're a member of Untappd, which a number of us BGHer's are, you'll get a special badge for cracking up your favorite hoppy brew. Not to brag but I currently have 63 badges in my record book. And one very concerned wife.

I had this whole funny idea for compareing Kate Beckinsale dropping news that she probably won't do another "Underworld" movie to some of the worst disasters in history. But when I thought more about it saying this news is as devastating as well... ya know something really bad where a lot of people died is probably not so cool. I think I'm growing up.

If you've listened to a word I've said over that past few months you'd know that NBC is hard at work on their new series "Hannibal", based on the beloved man eater from "Red Dragon". If you didn't know that then I think we may need to see other people. Might I suggest Caroline Dhavernas and Aaron Abrams who have recently been added to the cast of the show as a professor and crime scene investigator. See how I made that happen? You're going to miss my musk.

Alright, I'm just going to come out and say it. For years I hated Drew Barrymore. I honestly don't even remember why at this point. But now I'm older and wiser and I don't care either way about her. Wow, it feels good to get that out there. The news here though is that Drew (I'm going to call her Drew now that we're BFF's) is in talks to direct, yes, direct, a new film titled "The End" which focuses on the more human side of the end of the world. Good for her. I couldn't be happier.

A sequel to "Prometheus" is officially in the works and planned for a 2014 or 1015 release. In related news tomorrow I'll probably get drunk.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Tuesday, Jul 24th 2012

Man I never read or saw "Red Dragon" but the news that Larry Fishburne is in talks to take on the role of Jack Crawford in "Hannibal", the upcoming NBC series based on the book has me borderline interested. I guess the character is an FBI agent or something who tries to find Hannibal. Was Hannibal in that book? I don't care. Doesn't matter. Freakin Morpheus, man.

Apparently there's been rumors floating around that "Jurassic Park IV" will focus on a government plot to weaponize dinosaurs. I've never heard that rumor and I like to think I'm the beginning and end of all internet rumors. But just to try to prove me wrong producer Frank Marshall came out and said that these "rumors" are 100% false. Now that I think of it he never did confirm that he didn't make them up himself right before he said they were false. So maybe that's why I never heard of them.

Shocking news coming out of "The Dark Knight Rises" camp today that Miss. Anne Hathaway would apparently not be opposed to doing a "Catwoman" spin off film. I know I'm just as shocked as you are. Don't worry though, this won't be some piece of crap. She'll only do it "with the right people". I assume she means she would want the entire cast and crew from "Bride Wars" to be involved. I'm just guessing here though.

Eliza Roberts, who is apparently the spouse of Eric Roberts, who I have nothing but good things to say about, has joined the cast of "Self Storage". That means there will be a loving couple on the set of the flick about a group of party goers trapped inside a storage facility. Nothing but love and normal things going on. That is all. Happy times.

In Real People News:

Naked man breaks into 67 year old man's home. Naked man gets shot. I think that's redneck math.

If you're going to get caught using your child's diaper bag to steel items from Walmart the proper thing to do is to ditch the bag and make a run for it. You do not, I repeat DO NOT ditch the bag and your 1 year old child and make a run for it. That little bugger is full of your DNA and will be traced back to you.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Tuesday, Jun 5th 2012

I'm probably going to be disappointed here but I'm actually looking forward to "Mockingbird Lane", a new series based on the classic show "The Munsters". I will say Jerry O'Connell is kind of a weird choice for the role of Herman Munster if they're trying to make this version more dark than the original but what do I know. He was rather spellbinding in "Kangaroo Jack".

A horror movie doesn't always need blood, a killer or even jump scares but it better damn well have Malcolm McDowell. Luckily for "Mischief Night", a new flick about a girl being stalked by a killer she starts to have feelings for, it now has some double M action in its cast list. If there's one complaint people have always had about "The Birds" it's that it needs more McDowell.

Mads Mikkelsen might be the most bad ass name ever imagined and I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit I'm petrified of the guy. So I'd venture to say he's a good choice to play the lead role in the upcoming "Hannibal" TV show. He seems like the kind of guy who would actually eat another person just to get into character. To Mads Mikkelsen! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Yes yes "Jersey Shore Shark Attack" yes!

In Real People News:

There are numerous places that it's okay to let your kid play. A sandbox, the beach or a jungle gym are some good examples. Railroad tracks on the other hand are a terrible, terrible place to let your kid play and you will go to jail for it. You're welcome.

Sometimes you got to sweet talk a girl. You can't just rush up and ask if you can bed her. I wouldn't peg a woman who would stab a man in the head to be that kind of woman but apparently she is. It's kind of ironic isn't it? Don't you think?

Horror Headlines: Monday, April 2nd, 2011

Submitted by Joe on Monday, Apr 2nd 2012

Welcome to April folks! I hope you're up on your shots because things are going to get super raw this month. Look, Russ! No tan lines.

Kenny Doughty has been added to the cast of Bong Joon-Ho's "Snow Piercer" and while I've never seen a movie he's been in he kind of looks like he's terminally ill so I'm going to hold back on the comments. The movie tells the tale of a group of people trapped on a train after the world has frozen over. I've talked about this a lot this morning. I still have no idea how trains work when the world is frozen.

Everything I know about Atilla the Hun I learned from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and even that I don't remember too well. I think I remember him messing up a sporting goods store or something. But Warner Bros. is going to fix that for me with a new film that will tell the full story of Mr. Hun. I wonder if they'll get to the part where he's taken to the future to help two kids get an A on their history final. I hope so.

Stick with me here, because I'm going to try to explain the new movie "Bloodloss". It's a found footage flick about a filmmaker who's investigation into his sister's disappearance leads him into the underworld culture of real life "vampires". Alright now that I write it down I guess it's not that confusing. it's also not that interesting. I'm sorry I ever brought it up.

David Slade, the guy who brought you "30 Days Of Night" has been tapped by the people behind the new "Hannibal" series to direct the show's pilot. the NBC show will follow the "Red Dragon" story line and tell the story of a budding romance between Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter. I think. I don't know, I've never read the book but I do love a good romance.

In Real People News:

If you're going to rent the school's laptop you might want to think about getting a separate hard drive for your 350 sexual explicit pictures you're taking of yourself. The most shocking thing here is that apparently schools lend out laptops now. I hope they come with Oregon Trail installed.

Sometimes you just have to spit on an old person. But who the hell gets caught for doing it? This guy in Florida that's who. He lost his shiznit while behind the wheel and let a loogy fly on this old lady and now he's in jail. I assume there's a lot of spitting going on there too. That's an oral sex reference.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, February 16th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Thursday, Feb 16th 2012

Twice this week a girl has sat next to me on the bus and then gotten up and moved to a different seat after being next to me for about 20 minutes. I'm fairly sure it was the same girl. She got on at the same stop both times and this morning I saw her contemplate standing rather than sitting next to me. The first time it happened I was wearing a larger coat so I chalked it up to me taking up most of the seat. But today I was wearing a thinner one and even tried to push myself up against the wall so she had more room. I don't think I smell but who knows.

If I ever decide to be come a cannibal I'm going to catch the next flight to Laurence Fishburne's house. I bet he would be delicious. And we'll all get to find out when he and Kevin Zegers star in "The Colony", a new flick about a group of survivors living in an underground bunker after the ice age hits trying to fight off a group of cannibals. Deals are not confirmed yet but they look to be locking in sometime in the near future. I don't even think he would need much seasoning...

NBC is banking on "Hannibal" being a hit with the kids and has decided to green light the show for a full series of 13 episodes. The show will be based on the classic characters from the "Red Dragon" novel and will focus on the relationship between Will Graham and his mentor Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Kind of like "Will and Grace" with murdering.

Lara Flynn Boyle is going to play a weed dealing witch in the new film "Black Forest: Hansel and Gretel & the 420 Witch". I have no idea what else to say about that.

I haven't heard much about the new movie "Chernobyl Diaries" but it sounds pretty bad ass. The film is about a group of friends who are stuck in the city of Prypiat in the aftermath of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. How the hell they got there I have no idea but it looks like they're not alone. Ohh spooky! The film has been just been given a May 25th release date and stars a bunch of people I've never heard of but I'm sure are super hot. Catch the fever.

In Real People News:

There's nothing funny about death and it's sad that Whitney Houston is gone. What is hilarious though is this woman in England who set her house on fire with a candle she had lit to honor the singer. I can't think of any Whitney Houston songs with the word "fire" in the title but if you know one feel free to make your own joke.

And here's an adorable picture of a puppy sleeping. It looks just like a penis. An adorable penis.