I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been two months since I wrote the news last. I am going to pretend that you've been very upset about it though and sent me dozens upon dozens of emails asking me why I've abandoned you. I am however going to pretend that there's some kid sitting in his bedroom right now reading this, crying his eyes out because the head cheerleader doesn't even know he exists, thinking that maybe things will be OK after all because Joe is writing the news again.
I love TV shows with a solid will they/won't they theme, even when it's based around a mother and son relationship like "Bates Motel". What can I say I'm a sucker for love. So I'm giddy with delight to find new info on the second season of the show which hits A&E on March 3rd. I mean as giddy as you can get when you realize the plot for season two is really just a continuation of season one, Norman continues to lose his crap, his mother tries to cover up some murder type things, a cop starts to catch on and blah blah blah the brother sells drugs or something. You've missed this kind of hot late breaking news haven't you?
I could have sworn Kevin Smith retired 12 years ago but he keeps putting crap out so I'm assuming it's like a Jay-Z type retirement where you announce it to get some attention and then just keep on doing the same crap you've always done. Case in point. "Comes the Krampus!", a new holiday anthology flick he just finished the screenplay for that focuses on everyone's favorite Scandinavian Christmas time monster that eats kids instead of bringing them presents. No real word on next steps for the project but it's planned for a holiday release sometime in the next 10 years.
"Terminator: Genesis", the upcoming "The Terminator" reboot, has apparently lost itself a financial backer. Megan Ellison and her Annapurna Pictures has apparently decided to back out of the project leaving Skydance Productions, which happens to be her brother's production company, to cover the tab. So this really means nothing at all to you and I. The movie is still being made, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still coming back and we're still over a year away from its release. Seriously, how did you survive without this kind of daily coverage to fill your life for the past two months?
ABC has green lit the pilot for "The Visitors", a new series based on a Ray Bradbury short story titled "Zero Hour". In the story the fine people of earth try to fend off an alien attack where the little green men use our own children against us. Seems completely plausible. The other day my 2 year old hit me in the crotch with a Doc McStuffins doll so hard I blacked out for 15 seconds. I can only assume she was being controlled by aliens.
In Real People News:
How many times have we heard this story my friends? A woman accused another woman of hitting her with a hog stomach and someone ends up getting stabbed in the beck with a pair of scissors. Once, I can really only thing of one time I've heard this story. That one time is just a few seconds ago to be clear.
Let this be a lesson to all the young men out there. When making love to your best gal on the school bus, if she happens to queef during said love making on the school bus do not laugh at her. Because she will elbow you in the balls and you will get in trouble and you will end up on the news. This has been your daily romance advice from Joe. On a side note spell check has no idea what a "queef" is.
Three new characters have been confirmed for the second season of A&E's "Bates Motel". It looks like Norma is going to get a new boyfriend, a new friend in town and a brother who shows up in town. Chances are they'll all be dead before the end of the season but for now let's just sit back and drink in all the love I feel flowing in this post. God that feels good inside you doesn't it?
Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, the guys who wrote the "Friday the 13th" remake have apparently gotten in bed with the folks at New Line for a new horror flick that they are apparently calling a "potential franchise starter". No other details are available but they've also said the film won't be found footage and won't be micro-budget. They didn't say it won't be awful though. So ya know, that's still on the table.
Elijah Wood is producing a horror-comedy film called "Cooties". Rainn Wilson, Alison Pill, Jack MacBrayer, Jorge Garcia and Nasim Pedrad have all been added to the movie about a group of rabid kids who terrorize their teachers. I assume all of these people will be teachers, or this will be the worst "teen" casting since "Scream 4".
Paul Reiser, the poor man's Richard Lewis, has been added to the cast of "Life After Beth". John C. Reilly and Aubrey Plaza are also in the film about a man who tries to reconnect with his girlfriend after she comes back from the dead. No joke here. Paul Reiser is awful at everything he does and must be stopped. If you say "Mad About You" was great I will slap the taste out of your mouth. If you say you don't know what "Mad About You" is I will slap the taste out of your mouth.
In Real People News:
I had no idea there was a thing called "the third rail" on the NYC subway system rails. I wish someone had warned me though, because this guy in Brooklyn died after being electrocuted when he pissed on it. I rode the subway for 13 years. I'm lucky to be alive.
An Oklahoma man is under arrest after a woman caught him looking into her house while he was hiding in her septic tank. How does that even work? I always thought those were underground. I need some sort of diagram to even understand how this happened.
My wife and I will be taking our first trip to Nashville this coming weekend and I can't wait. I'm going to look FABULOUS in my cut off daisy dukes.
If you didn't watch "Bates Motel" then I'm not really sure we'll have much to talk about when things get into a lull and I say, "hey did you hear about how the second season of 'Bates Motel' is going to feature a few more members of the Bates family according to the show's creator Carlton Cuse?". Then I'll probably get kind of pissy and say something about you looking fat and then we won't talk for a while. See how just watching the show could have avoided this whole thing?
We all went a little gaga over the "Evil Dead" remake on the podcast so I'm kind of looking forward to the Blu-Ray dropping so I can relive all the memories at home, minus the 8 year old crying 4 rows behind me. The disc will drop on July 16th and be chock full of behind the scenes features and a commentary track with everyone and their mother on it. It will not unfortunately feature a commentary track by the god awful parents trying to quiet the earlier mentioned 8 year old.
I never thought Steven Spielberg and the "Leprechaun" remake would be mentioned in the same sentence but color me wrong here. It turns out that Zach Lipovsky, the winner of Spielberg and Mark Burnett's "On the Lot" reality show will direct the Lionsgate/WWE reboot. I guess that doesn't really mean Speielberg has anything to do with the film so I can see why you might be annoyed by my misleading intro there. But on the other hand, you're a prick.
Melissa Leo, who is in no way related to Jay Leno and now that I see this typed out doesn't even have the same last name, has signed on to M. Night Shyamalan's "Wayward Pines". The TV series stars Matt Dillon as a secret service agent investigating the disappearance of two federal agents. Leo will play a nurse who lives in the town of Wayward Pines where Dillon is investigating. She doesn't even have a giant chin. I don't know what I was thinking.
A 45 year old special education teacher from Maryland has been accused of having sex with her dog. She's been accused because police found video and photos of her having sex with the dog. I'm 99% sure we can just go ahead and say she did it.
If you haven't caught VH1's "Wicked Single" I suggest you do yourself a favor and set aside this weekend to catch up on the first few episodes. It's like "The Jersey Shore" but a little drunker and way more ridiculous accents. I didn't know I could be this happy. I could hug every single one of you.
It looks like "Bates Motel" will continue to take reservations now that the show has been picked up for a second season by the folks at A&E. Season 2 won't hit the small tube until sometime in 2014 so enjoy what's left of season 1 while you can. This might be the most competent news item I've ever written.
Sad news indeed folks.Richard Brooker, best know for playing the role of Jason Voorhees in "Friday the 13th Part 3", passed away on Tuesday at the age of 58. Brooker was the first Jason to don the classic hockey mask and appeared in a number of documentaries over the years chronicling his time as the masked one.
So apparently if you sat through the end credits of the "Evil Dead" remake, which I didn't, you got to see some cool crap that I wont spoil here. But apparently there was plans for some even cooler crap to happen, which I will 100% try not to spoil right now. So I'm not saying someone survives all the demon happenings. But if someone did that someone might have gotten picked up by some folks driving down the road she was wondering down. She or he might have then passed out in the back seat and then possibly woken up as a deadite. That is if someone did make it through the night. I can neither deny nor confirm.
"Dracula Year Zero" is still apparently a movie. I know I'm just as surprised as you are. The latest on the film is that it's title is now simply "Dracula" and Luke Evans has been confirmed to play the lead in the film about the first vampire. Not going to lie, I feel like at this point in time if you name your film "Dracula" you're just asking to be lost in some sort of long IMDB search. You've kind of given up. Just name it "Vampire Movie" and get it over with.
In Real People News:
I feel like anyone who walks through Time Square and thinks those weirdos dressed up as children's characters are anything but creepy deserve what they get but the NYC police think otherwise because a guy dressed as the Cookie Monster has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child after he pushed around a kid and tried to force folks to give him money. Then again that Cookie Monster always seemed kind of insane so I'm not 100% sure this wasn't the real deal.
A Chicago area Grandmother is in hot water after she allegedly hired her Grandson to take out his Grandfather because she was "sick of him". I don't know why but that sentence just makes me tired. I feel like she was just so tired of picking up socks or something and just wanted to take a nap so she said "Hey Billy, do gam gam a solid and murder Grandpa ok? I just need to get some sleep."
Every time I watch an episode of "Shahs of Sunset" a little bit of me dies. Just to be clear I've watched every episode this season. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror.
The internerds are all a flutter about a new rumor floating around that Mark Frost and David Lynch are in talks with NBC to revive the "Twin Peaks" series for a third season. Whether or not the rumors are true remain to be seen but if they are it sounds like Lynch is hoping most or all of the original cast will return and the series will pick after the same amount of time it's been since the show went off the air. I never watched the show so I really don't have anything funny to tack on here. Kyle MacLachlan looks like he wears women's underwear though.
If you've been waiting around with baited breath for the new A&E series "Bates Motel" well I have good news for your and your mouth. The show will finally hit the airwaves on March 18th for your viewing pleasure. I mean it's not great news. The series based on the Alfred Hitchcock's classic film "Psycho" is still a couple months away. And it won't be on till 10 pm. So you still have some waiting to do. I'm sorry I got your hopes up.
It sounds like NBC may not be done with a reboot of "The Munsters" series after all. Days after it was announced they would not be moving forward with Bryan Fuller's "Mockingbird Lane" the channels main man Bob Greenblatt came out saying they won't rule out do another show based on the series. He went on to say he likes the idea of a new show but "Mockingbird Lane" just didn't work. So kind of a big "it's not me it's you" to Fuller. He then returned all of Fuller's t-shirts that he had in his closet. And tore all the pictures of the two of them together in half. It was really ugly.
So "Texas Chainsaw 3D" brought the ruckas big time this weekend at the box office. The new sequel, retelling or whatever the hell you want to call it of Tobe Hooper's classic 1974 chainsaw romp took in $23 million this past weekend making it number 1, beating out "Django Unchained" and "The Hobbit" and pretty much guaranteeing we'll see sequel. Or a threequil. Or a prequel? I saw the flick and I honestly have no idea what to call it.
In Real People News:
If you're going to rob a store you might want to come up with a get away plan that doesn't involve calling your mom and asking for a ride. I mean you obviously set up a time for your mom to meet you. Moms are never late. Unless it's on a sitcom and you're getting out of soccer practice. That's just common knowledge.
Two California teen girls are under arrest after they drugged their parents milkshake so they could get onto the internet. I'm not saying I condone this but I understand. Sometimes you really just need to watch some porn.
Three days in a row, son. And they said I'd never amount to anything. Suck it Mr. Reynolds!
NBC has landed "Lost" writer Carlton Cuse (awful name) to pen the script for their new supernatural Western show "The 6th Gun". The show is about... well it's about six guns that hold mystical powers and one of them falls into the hands of a girl and then bad stuff happens or something. I don't know, it's based on a comic, I assume there's giant boobs and other things that are sexy in comic form but only in your mom's basement.
Robert Englund and Malcolm McDowell, two guys who randomly pop up in just about every horror movie and no one has any idea why, together at last in one film. Truth be told there's a solid chance they've been in a movie together before but I have no motivation to do any research on that. The film is "Sanitarium" and it's a new anthology flick about 3 different patients in a mental hospital. It also stars Lou Diamond Phillips who I honestly believe is the nicest man ever invented. He's also La Bamba.
Speaking of people who were on one episode of the short lived "Adam's Family" TV show reboot, Keegan Connor Tracy has been confirmed to be joining the cast of "Bates Motel". The show comes from the folks over at A&E and the pale little minx will play Norman's teacher. We were talking about "The New Adams Family" right?
I loved the show "Deadwood" more than life itself and therefore anything that Ian McShane does is pure gold. You can't argue it. So his guest spot on "American Horror Story: Asylum" will be gold. The show will be gold, the episode will be gold and the tears of joy I cry as he prances across the tiny screen will be solid gold. It's going to hurt.
In Real People News:
Apparently you can use a stun gun on the pizza delivery guy no matter how funny it is. The things I learn from writing the news... it could fill a website where someone posts horror news with a couple real life news items every day.
Let this be a lesson to you all. When you're cooking your squirrel please don't use a propane torch. This guy in Michigan burned down 8 apartments. You do that crap with a trash can fire like a real hobo.
Just in case you don't have Netflix, a DVD player, a VHS player or the internet... FEARnet has decided to start showing "Tales From the Crypt" starting October 5th.
I had no idea that A&E was making a "Bates Motel" TV movie but I've been huffing a lot of paint lately so I've missed some things. But this is a thing and it's happening and I guess Freddie Highmore was always cast as Norman a while back so today I'm here to tell you that Olivia Cooke and Nicola Peltz have both joined the cast. I think I missed my fantasy football draft also. I hope no one picked up The Fridge yet.
Still holding out hope for a third installment in the "28 Days Later" saga titled "28 Months Later"? Well writer/producer Alex Garland says it isn't going to happen. So piss off.
If you want to get your beady little eyes on some clips from the "Evil Dead" and "Carrie" remakes then you're going to want to get your ass on a plane and come to NY Comic Con because both will premiere footage there on October 13th. I mean I guess if you live in Jersey you don't need to take a plane. That would be silly. Would you fly from Newark to JFK? I'm not even sure that's possible. Think for once in your life you freakin jackass.
In Real People News:
A 480 pound Ohio man is looking to have his execution delayed because he claims at his weight lethal injection would cause a slow and cruel death. If this works out I assume death row will suddenly become a big group of giant fat asses.
I'm seriously considering buying a "Resident Evil: Retribution" poster online after seeing the film yesterday. Just thought I'd give you fair warning as to where my frame of mind is these days. Speaking of "RE: Retribution", Paul W.S. Anderson's candy coated confusion machine topped the box office this weekend, raking in $21 million. That's $5 million less than the last film opened to, and the smallest opening since the original. However, keep in mind that these films have done absolutely BONKERS business overseas.
Anchor Bay has acquired Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem" after its debut at the Toronto International Film Festival last week. Thank God they use the acronym TIFF, because typing the entire name makes me want to quit life.
Check out The monsters you missed in "Cabin in the Woods". I made my wife watch this on Bluray with me last night. She just looked confused. Me on the other hand? I'm calling it now, horror film of the year. Everyone else should go home and feel bad about themselves.
Here's the new Norman Bates that will star in A&E's "Bates Motel". I will continue not watching horror on television because it will always be terrible.
Tom Savini's "Night of the Living Dead" remake from 1990 is coming to Bluray. If you haven't seen it, you should, it's pretty fantastic.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I plan on BBQing all day and being passed out drunk before it even gets close to fireworks time. But don't feel bad for me. I've already watched this 2 and a half minute video of people doing awful things with fireworks. Happy Birthday America.
Well it looks like "Ghostbusters 3" is getting an overhaul with a whole new writing team. No word on who the new writing team is but apparently all systems are a go. Until Bill Murray gets the new draft and takes a peepee on it during the 7th inning stretch of a Toledo Mud Hens game that is.
Susan Sarandon is the latest name to be added to the cast of the upcoming rated R stop motion flick "Hell & Back." The romp revolves around a duo who travel to the underworld to bring back their friend who was accidentally taken there. Sarandon will lend her voice skills to the movie in the form of Barb the angel. Which sounds about right because lets be honest at one time or another we've all though she was sent down from the heavens to make our lives better. I can't be the only one right?
A&E has given the thumbs up to at least ten episodes of their upcoming series "Bates Motel." The show will give the viewers insight into how everyone's favorite innkeeper Norman bates came to be a cross dressing killer. I assume it started with lipstick or something. Maybe some heels. Ladies pinch, whores use rouge, Norman.
People are still making magazines apparently and a new one has hit the shelves that might interest some of you deviants. Playzom magazine is now available in some areas of California and via their facebook page. The page turner looks to be one half horror mag, one half guys mag and one half spank material. I know that equals 3 halves. That's just how much content is in there. It's almost too much to handle.
In Real People News:
And because it's America's birthday tomorrow here's an adorable story about the new alternative to seeing eye dogs. Ladies and gentleman I am proud to present to you... the seeing eye miniature horse.