Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 9th, 2013

Eric here, filling in for Joe again. Seriously, if we actually paid him he'd be fired by now...

Stop the presses, you mean to tell me that Gary Oldman and Kerri Russel are both in "Dawn of the Planet of the apes"??? There's also a full official synopsis at the link but I think we all know I've given you the important news... that you probably already knew. I should do this every day.

"Jurassic Park 4" has been pushed to "a later date" according to Universal, who declined to elaborate on exactly what that means. This gives me more time to watch the sequels, of which I have seen zero. I have seen "Carnosaur" though, which isn't canon but I think counts anyway.

The guys who brought you the Walking Dead game last year that was actually good, Telltale Games, are working on a game based on a werewolf comic book adaptation next. Here's hoping I don't have to make the choice of whether or not I have enough food to feed the small children in my care. That pretty much put me off that game for good. It was too real man, too real...

I haven't taken an informal poll on this, but am I the only person that loved "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter"? Either way, Dominic Cooper, who played a smooth talking vampire friend to Honest Abe in that film has signed on to another vampire film, Universal's "Dracula". You know, the one that isn't actually about Dracula, instead focusing on the Vlad the Impaler mythos. Either way, I hope there's an axe with silver melted onto it. (does anyone even get that reference??)

In Real People News: 

"My husband draws the line at having sex with a troll mask on" Joe tells me this all the time. I don't know why he can't just open his heart.

Have you guys heard about the giant, meningitis carrying, African snails invading Florida? If you're into stomach churning news articles, this subject is for you.

Ever wonder what an X-ray of a harpoon that went into someone's head looks like? No? Then definitely do not click on that link. Seriously. Don't.

Horror Headlines: Friday March 1st, 2013

I like my Daniel Radcliffe with a size of sassy wizard but it sounds like he might be landing himself the role of Igor in the upcoming Fox revision of the classic "Frankenstein" tale. Nothings confirmed yet but this version is said to focus more on the mad doctor's assistant so it might be a solid role for the little fella. I hope they get that ginger kid to play the monster. I bet that kid needs work too.

Gary Oldman, who is a wonderful actor but seems bat shit insane in real life, has officially been cast in "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes". No word on what role Oldman will play but he'll either be a giant monkey or a member of the last few survivors of the human race after the giant monkeys have taken over. This could really go either way.

Remember when "Teeth" taught us all what vagina dentata was? Yeah that was fun huh? Well the films director, Mitchell Lichtenstein, is now going to teach us about "Angelica". The film is based on a book with the same name and tells the story of a family being terrorized by an apparition from the perspective of each member. Jena Malone is set to star.

I had no idea "Sexy Evil Genius" was a thing but it stars Seth Green and he's just adorable so I'm interested in seeing it when it hits DVD and VOD on April 9th. The film tells the tale of a group of individuals brought to a bar by their ex-girlfriend who is plotting her revenge. I assume the sexy evil genius is the ex-girlfriend and not Green. He's cute and all but his face makes everyone ill. Right?

In Real People News: 

Miss Delaware Teen USA apparently did porn. Anyone who has ever been to Delaware shouldn't be surprised by this. It's the sexiest state in the Union.

A Florida couple is under arrest after they let their child drink Drano from a sippy cup that just so happened to be in the same room they were making meth in. I swear to god Florida, how the hell do you have both the happiest place on earth and the most awful people alive in the same state?

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 20th, 2013

It's confirmed folks, "Star Wars" "Jurassic Park". I know it seems kind of obvious but Kathleen Kennedy has made it official by stepping down from the producer role on the fourth installment of the dino series in order to take on that role in the next "Star Wars" film. Han Solo battling a T-Rex. Now that's a movie I'd like to see.

Jason Clarke, of big old drunk in "Lawless" fame, is the latest name to be tagged to "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes". No real word on what role he'll play but I swear to god if there's a drinking monkey in this movie it will be my favorite film of the year.

Because it would kill me to go more than three days without some casting news for the new "Zombieland" series coming to Amazon here's some news about Kirk Ward being confirmed for a role. Ward will play one of the leads in the series, I assume based solely on the fact that he looks a lot like Woody Harrelson.

I don't know why you have to make a movie about a clown returning from the grave to bring vengeance on a group of kids that let him die but "Stitches" is just such a film. It's also a film that's been slapped with an April 1st release date on VOD and Blu-Ray. April fools day, I get it. Honestly though they could just show a bunch of real clowns sitting around drinking coffee and it would be scary as hell.

In Real People News: 

The new law I learned this week? Apparently it's illegal to drive around Michigan while sucking on a dildo. Put it in the books.

It's got to be exciting when you win the lottery. So exciting that you'll probably want to throw a party. Maybe such a big party that you mistakenly blow up your house while torching up some meth. It is nice to see some younger folks winning for once at least.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday December 18th, 2012

"This script is terrible and only the guy who co-wrote 'Predators' can fix it". Something I never thought would be said but apparently someone at Paramount uttered those fateful words because Michael Finch has been picked up to re-write the script for "Hellified", a new film about a group of criminals sent to Hell to stop the end of the world. He's kind of like a superman for movie scripts you aren't going to like.

John C. Reilly can do no wrong in my eyes. Alright I'll admit I never saw that movie where he plays a vampire who runs a carnival, or something like that, but everything I've seen him in has been pure gold. So I'm excited for "Life After Beth", a new zombie comedy flick he's going to star in along with Aubrey Plaza, the depressing girl from "Parks and Recreation". The film is based off of a UK short and will be 100 times better because Reilly is American and we don't drink tea.

According to James Franco himself he probably won't have a role in "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" after some shifts at Fox's big boy table. Nothings confirmed but Franco had apparently had a small role in the sequel but is now fairly sure the part has been cut. He then went on to say nobody calls him anymore and he's so lonely. He then sobbed uncontrollably for 45 minutes.

I don't know where the hell this came from but "The American Scream" is now available on DVD and it sounds pretty awesome. The documentary follows 3 different families as they transform their homes into spooky time attractions for the Halloween season. Sounds like a dandy Christmas gift for that special someone on your list. Wait, next week is Christmas? Where the hell have I been!?

In Real People News: 

And Edward Furlong's 6 year old son has tested positive for cocaine and been taken out of his custody. And at the last second for the father of the year awards.

Chicago! My new home. Land of the deep dish pizza and giant hot dog. Also land of this woman who ran over her boyfriend with her car and then lit his testicles on fire. I've made a terrible mistake.

Horror Headlines: Friday December 7th, 2012

Yes I know it's been over a month since I last wrote the news for you and yes I know you probably want some sort of explanation. Well you aren't going to get one I'm sorry. You can get a brief story about how I'm watching "Jurassic Park" right now and loving it. That's pretty much the entire story actually. I love this movie and I'm watching it right now while I type the news. Roll credits.

The big screen adaptation of Peter Heller's post-apocalyptic novel "The Dog Stars" has been picked up by Constantin Films, the same company that brought us the "Resident Evil" franchise, for production. Still being planned, the film will focus on a man who survives a deadly virus outbreak that kills off most of the world's population and his hopes of finding the promise land. I assume that means the last Hooters in America with running water.

If there's one complaint people have about Guillermo del Toro's 2006 acid trip flick "Pan's Labyrinth" it's that there isn't nearly enough singing and dancing. Truth be told that's really the biggest complaint most people have about most horror flicks isn't it. Well good news showgirls, it looks like the musical will be coming to the city that never sleeps sometime in the near future. The good news here is that Guillermo is on board as a producer so maybe this will turn out to be pretty sweet. Maybe the pre-show meal we have over at Bubba Gump shrimp wont give us all the runs either.

"Silence Of the Lambs" director Jonathan Demme has officially stepped down as the director of the movie adaptation of Stephen King's "11/22/63". The film, about a time traveler who tries to stop the assassination of John F. Kennedy was announced over a year ago and has not had much movement since then so what's next remains to be seen. The good news here is I just started reading this book and it's long as hell so if they can drag this out for a year or so I might finish it by the time the film sees the light of day.

If you've been unable to sleep because you're so excited to find out what "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" is going to be about then get your PJ's on because tonight you're going to rest like a baby. Andy Serkis, the guy who played Caesar the ape in the first film has dropped word that the film will focus on Caesar's interaction with the remaining humans left on the earth after a deadly virus breaks out. Serkis will of course play Caesar again and I will of course still have trouble giving a crap about a bunch of monkeys that should of just been drowned in the first act of the last film.

In Real People News: 

A Tennessee woman is facing charges after she accused a man she met online of forcing himself on her and it later turned out that she was just really unhappy with the consensual sex they did have. Thank the lord this story didn't come out when I was in college because there's two and a half women out there that could have really caused some problem for me. Don't ask.

A Pennsylvania woman is under arrest after she stabbed her boyfriend for taking the last beer. If her mug shot didn't look like a entire trailer court got together for an orgy and she was the child produced from it then I think I might have been in love.

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