Thomas Kretschmann

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 13th, 2013

This is apparently a thing everywhere but I never heard of it until I moved to Chicago. Yesterday was Paczki Day. Paczki is a Polish donut type thing that were made on the Tuesday before Lent to use up all the lard, sugar, fruit and other things you can't having during the fast. I don't fast or partake in Lent but I sure as hell love a Polish donut. Maybe a little too much. Maybe I ate like 3 of these things and then I heard my heart struggling to pump. I love and hate this town at the same time.

Word has it that "I, Frankenstein", the big screen adaptation of the the graphic novel with the same name, will be dropped in 3D this coming September. Now before you all go getting moist over this you should know that the film wasn't actually shot in 3D, Lionsgate will be doing all the magic in post production. So in other words it's going to suck and they're going to want 4 or 5 extra bucks for it at the theater.

David Hewlett, better know as "oh hey that guy" from a bunch of horror flicks is stepping behind the camera with a new film titled "Debug". The film is about, and stay with me here, 6 computer hackers who have to battle a rouge artificial intelligence program that wants to be human. All kidding aside that sounds like the worst movie ever. There's nothing funny about that.

And the "Zombieland" casting train keeps on chuggin. Has anyone ever used that analogy before? Man, that is awsome right? Frakin bad ass train that does casting. I'm like a freakin poet. Anyway Maiara Walsh has landed the lead role, AKA the one Emma Stone played in the original film. I'm calling this an upgrade because Stone looks like a frog and if you try to tell yourself that you think she's hot then you're only kidding yourself.

NBC is apparently making a "Dracula" series and Thomas Kretschmann has been cast as Van Helsing. I don't know who he is and this show will be canceled almost immediatly. Watch for it.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to stalk your ex wife it's best to do it while wearing full body armor and holding a Valentines Day card. Cause that's sweet. Also carrying a gun and machete though is kind of nuts and you'll go to jail for sure. It's a real fine line.

SOUTH CAROLINA! Raise up, take your junk out, tell the cops it fell out when they try to arrest you! No one else remembers that song? It was awesome. I've used this joke before haven't I.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 17th, 2011

Richard Norton, and Australian actor you've probably never heard of but is frightening as hell, has signed on to play a number roles in the upcoming Mad Max film titled "Fury Road". Most notably he'll take on the Toecutter role, aka the main bad guy in the movie and this seems fitting because he looks like he eats puppies for fun.

They're still putting Michael Cera in movies? Super! Anywho! "Magic, Magic" has nothing to do with the card game virgins play (sorry Mark) and everything to do with a girl who starts to lose her mental faculties on a remote Chili island and not only stars Cera but Emily Browning, Juno Temple and Catalina Sandino Moreno. Three women who I assume are very nice but have names that sound like they would have ignored me in High School so in turn hate this movie and everyone in it.

Thomas Kretschmann, who's been in a bunch of movies I've never seen, has signed on to play the lead in the upcoming Dario Argento version of "Dracula". Of course seeing that this is an Argento flick god knows what the "lead role" means. I'd normally guess Dracula but for Argento the lead character could be a mule that has orgies with supermodels on the beach. Which, now that I see it typed out actually sounds like an awesome movie. Oh and it's going to be in 3D!

Looks like the apocalypse has come a few days early because "Monsters 2" has been announced. The sequel will follow 2 brothers as they find each other in a world filled with crappy CGI monsters that like to dry hump in front of gas stations (if you saw the first one you're wetting yourself right now). At the very least this will give me a reason to use the world "mumblecore" again.

In Real People News: 

Here's something new. A woman from Saudi Arabia is being charged with committing a hate crime against us American folks in Florida. The young lass apparently took out her anger about how American's are treating her people by spitting on people at the local Walmart. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to be upset about this or not so I'm just going to say someone involved in this got what they deserved but I'm not saying who.

Didn't I just read about a woman doing this in Florida last week? Sounds familiar. Well here's a man in Florida who is being charged after exposing himself to students waiting at a school bus stop. What the hell is going on in Florida where people can't keep their clothes on around bus stops? Do I have to move there to find out? I'll do it!

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