robocop

The Accidental Dystopia in the RoboCop Remake

So there’s a “RoboCop” remake. That’s something I have to tell my unborn children as well as my unknown bastards. It’s also about to clear 150 million on a 100 million dollar budget. Though only 50 of them bones is domestic it’s still not out of the realm of possibility I’ll have to tell those tiny bearded boys and girls there’s a “Robocop 2” too. (As in ‘also’, not 2x2 which would be weird but not impossible.

Horror Headlines: Monday July 22nd, 2013

Spanish director Victor Garcia has been confirmed to direct the big screen adaptation of the graphic novel "Crawl To Me". The story follows a family living in a remote town during a harsh winter and the events that make them question their family ties. The series was created by Life of Agony bassist Alan Robert who I hold partially responsible for me not getting laid in High School so I plan on being pretty rough on this one. Oh god no one loves me.

I've always enjoyed Cliver Barker's "Nightbreed" but to be honest watching a 2 hour and 45 minute version of the film sounds like hell on earth. Still, people seem to go nuts for the film and cry out in anger at the thought of the hour shorter version that was in theaters and released on home video. Well thanks to the folks at Scream Factory the extended version, being called "Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut" will see the light of day sometime next year. Really I don't understand why in this day and age any move would be over an hour and 15 minutes.

Remember how awesome the original "Robocop" was? All the killing, blood and swearing? It was everything that was good about movies in the 80's. Well the makers of the remake are pushing for a PG-13 rating so it's not going to be awesome. In fact it's not going to have anything that made the original awesome. In fact, remember the "Robocop" cartoon? Picture that, but with less cool stuff.

A lot of people like that "Dead Space" game. I played the demo for 5 minutes and got confused so I refused to ever give it another go. That's a good story huh? Anyway EA is planning on making a big screen adaptation of the game. No real word on when or if the film is really going to happen but at one point John Carpenter had eyed leading the charge on the film. Of course at one point I though a Poison tattoo would be really cool so who knows how this will go.

In Real People News: 

You ever see a giant fireworks store on the side of the highway and think, "holy hell it would be super awesome if that place caught on fire"? Well a fireworks store in Rochester Indiana caught on fire, and it was awesome. Don't you wish you had been driving by?

Ever hear sounds in your head? Like a weird scratching noise now and then? Well this woman in London did and it turned out it was actually maggots that had crawled into her ear while she was on vacation in Peru. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, August 30th, 2012

I know we're all broken up about Hugh Laurie dropping out of "Robocop" but fear not my friends because Mr. Mom himself Michael Keaton has picked up the ball and run with it. He'll play Raymond Sellars, the main thorn in the side of our lovable half man half robot half cop. Do the math. It's going to be awesome.

"Oldboy" director and all around cuddly bear Park Chan-Wook has decided to keep his feet in the US and direct the a new Western titled "The Brigands of Rattleborge". The film tells the story of a sheriff and a doctor who set out to stop a band of robbers who terrorize a small town. Kind of sounds like "Back To the Future 3" but without the time travel. Or the funny parts. Or ZZ Top.

Wasn't there a "Wrong Turn" movie that just came out last week? I could have sworn. Well even if there was it looks like "Wrong Turn 5: Bloodbath" will hit the DVD shelves on October 23rd. I'm not going to bother talking about the plot for the film. People take a wrong turn and then they die. That's all you really need to know.

Yesterday we talked about how Sam-Raimi shot down a planned "Evil Dead" sequel titled "Evil Dead 4: Consequences", ruining the day for the folks over at Award Pictures. Well today we find out there's even more peepee in their Wheaties because apparently the folks over at Fox have also shut down their plans for a sequel to the 1986 John Carpenter classic "Big Trouble in Little China" tentatively titled "More Trouble In Little China". This has me a little worried about my plan to make "The Even Greater Outdoors".

In Real People News: 

Skin a cat, wear the tale, go to jail. At least in Arizona. Hippies.

If there's one thing I know about bears it's that they hate having their picture taken. They're like the Amish with giant teeth. This guy in Alaska knows this fun fact now too because after he snapped off some photos the bear he was getting all flashy with attacked and killed him. Well I guess he doesn't know the fact anymore, cause you know he’s all dead. But for about 15 seconds he was well aware.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit I've had Carly Rae Jepsen's soon to be classic hit "Call Me Maybe" stuck in my head for three days now. It's so joyous.

Michael Kenneth Williams had what might be my favorite line ever in a TV show or movie on "Boardwalk Empire" but unfortunately I can only quote it in the shower, with music on and after a quick scan of my neighborhood to make sure no one is home. It's pretty bad. What I'm getting at here is Michael Kenneth Williams has been rumored to be joining the "Robocop" remake at Alex Murphy's partner and family friend. I mean partner in a police sort of way, not like life partner. Although they may have changed the story for the remake. I don't judge.

Blake Sheldon is apparently not the country singer. That guy has a T in his name or something. This Blake is an actor and he's been tapped to play not 1 but 2 roles in the upcoming season of "American Horror Story". Young Shel Shel (patent pending) will play the role of "Devon" and "Cooper" in the next chapter in the series. I have no idea who those characters are but they're powerful names so I have high hopes.

Do you like classic horror movies? Of course you do. Even if you don't you're too embarrassed to admit you don't like them. So most likely you and a group of friends will be too ashamed to call each other's bluffs about wanting to see "The Birds", "Frankenstein" and "Bride of Frankenstein" when they are restored and put into theaters this coming September and October. Make comments like "oh this is classic" and "did you know 'The Birds' is a reference to the threat of communism". You're going to look so cultured.

Don't ask me why but I'm here to tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Charlie sheen have both been added to the cast of "Scary movie 5". I'm also here to tell you that I've been wearing the same clothes for 2 days... to work.

In Real People News: 

Hey here's a guy who is going to jail because he went around giving BJ's to men who passed out at local bars. One man's public service is another man's forced sex act. It's a crazy world.

I want to tell you about this kid who got disqualified from the Olympics for, according to him, accidentally eating pot brownies. Not because I really care about the story but because he went to my high school and is from my home town and that makes me proud. Go America.

Horror Headlines: Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Alright I get it. It's annoying when people post pictures of their kids constantly on Facebook. Ya know what else is annoying? You crying about it in between posting pictures of your stupid cat, annoying political views or random picture of the hot dog you ate for lunch. You became friends with these people on Facebook so don't get pissy when some of them grow up, get married and start a family while you're still sitting in your living room making hair dolls and dressing your dog up like one of the Power Rangers.

I love me some "Robocop" remake updates. You know this about me. I've said it countless times. Need proof? Gaze upon my rock hard nipples while I tell you that Jennifer Ehle, who was in "Contagion", has signed on to join the cast. She'll play someone named 'Liz Kline'. I don't remember who that is from the original. But you're not thinking about that anyway are you. You're thinking you want to see me cut glass with these puppies. Well keep waiting.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. 13 years ago M. Night Shyamalan was our love child and today we get news that he's working with Syfy on a new pilot titled "Proof". "Proof" will focus on a young man who offers money to anyone who can prove there's life after death when his parents die tragically. I can only hope Tiffany will pop up in the cast somewhere.

Little known fact, I am not the German kid in that popular internet video where the kid freaks the F out while playing "World of Warcraft". I know it's an honest mistake, I get it all the time. I've never actually played the game but apparently people go nuts for it but the obvious big screen version has been riddled with problems. Well today's there's some good news for the project in the form of Charles Leavitt being tapped to write the script. I think that's good news. I mean he wrote "Blood Diamond". You basement dwelling virgins should be pumped he'd touch your silly game.

At this point I'm at a loss as to who looks at Brendan Fraser and says "Yeah, get that guy in my movie" but yet again he's been cast. This time in "Split Decision", a new film about two children being hunted by a couple murderers after they accidentally witness the killing. Fraser will play the father who tries to save them. Alright I can't even lie, I find the guy charming as crap. Did you see "Looney Tunes: Back in Action"? I can't not watch that whenever it's on TV.

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It's a known fact that anything toddlers do is adorable. Although I've never seen a mother directing her 2 year old to fight the 3 year old she's babysitting so I can't 100% confirm this rule still holds true. I can confirm that posting a video of it online will 100% get you arrested.

It's been a long time since I was a single man but not a day goes by that I don't think about how awful it was. Trying to meet a woman, being rejected, dating someone for weeks only to find out they don't share their cheese fries at Outback. It's terrible. So I can't say I agree with this guy who peed on a woman after she rejected him at a bar. I'm just saying I understand where his frustration is coming from.

Horror Headlines: Monday, July 23rd, 2012

Edward Furlong and Christian Slater finally in a movie together? Sign me up! Alright this may have happened before, I just can't remember. But this time it's called "The Awakened" and is about a young woman who returns to her home town to find her mother's killer. Apparently there's some sort of Jekyll & Hyde tie in also. Who cares though. Furter! Or Slatlong. I don't know, we'll work on it.

If there's one complaint I get about my news it's that there's not enough coverage of what's going on over at the Lifetime network. Well today is your lucky day bed burners because the good lady folk over there have decided to move forward with a new series based on Melissa de la Cruz's novel "The Witches of East End". For those of you who have never had your monthly visitor the story focuses on a mother and her two daughters who just so happen to be next in the long line of witches. Queue Sarah McLachlan.

Looks like Jackie Earle Haley is the latest name to be added to the cast of the upcoming "Robocop" remake. Rumor has it that Haley will be playing the role of Maddox, the main man who trains Robocop with his new skills. I can't even think of something stupid to say here. This seems like a perfectly reasonable casting selection. Well done, Hollywood people.

There's more horror themed shows coming to the little screen in the near future then you can shake a stick at and today we've got word there's one more. "Sleepy Hollow", based on the classic headless horseman tale, is being put together by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, the same cats that brought you "Fringe". The project is still being pitched to the big wigs so it's not 100% locked in but if no one wants it I'm willing to toss a ten spot in and they can act it out in my living room.

In Real People News: 

A New Hampshire lab tech is in hot water after it was discovered he had been stealing a powerful anesthetic from his job and replacing it with saline. The kicker here? Apparently he had been using the needles and has given more than 30 people Hep C.

Here's a heartwarming story about a California man who is under arrest after he shot his own son. Why did he shoot his son you might ask? Well because he chose a Kenny Chesney song at karaoke. Seams reasonable enough.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, May 24th, 2012

Looks like the good folks at Sony have decided to pick up the rights to "Predestination", a new sci-fi flick from The Spierig Brothers. The film is based on Robert A. Heinlein short story "All you Zombies" and focuses on a secret government group that sends people back in time to prevent terrorist attacks. Maybe they can go back and stop the whole Ska thing in the 90's too. Am I right?

Last week Tom Hardy said that "Mad max: Fury Road" wasn't going to be happening any time soon. But today Charlize Theron is saying that the film going into production next week. I don't know who to believe. Both of them are super hot. But in every interview Charlize Theron has annoyed the crap out of me. On the other hand Tom Hardy is a man with a penis. I'm really on the fence here.

Josh Trank made big waves with his "nobody will hug me and now I have super powers" film "Chronicle" so hopes are high now that he's been given the director role on the upcoming film adaptation of the classic video game "Shadow of the Colossus". The game tells the tale of a young chap who sets out to bring his one true love back to life by battling giant creatures who hold the power to revive her. It sounds insane but the game was awesome. Trust me. I'd never lie to you.

Word around the locker room is Mr. Gary Oldman has signed on to play the scientist who creates the great robot cop in the upcoming remake of "Robocop". Are you excited? I am.... I've run out of stupid crap to say.

In Real People News: 

Don't you dare let your kid talk during "Titanic" or this guy in Seattle will lose his shit and knock out their tooth. He'll go to jail after but still, no tooth. All the kids at school will laugh.

I have no idea whether the penis tug is actually a Kung Fu move but even if it is you sure as hell can't teach it or you'll get locked up like this old guy in New York. It can't be can it? What would be the use of something like that?

Horror Headlines: Monday, April 16th, 2011

"Justified" is my favorite show in the world that I've only seen 3 episodes of. I don't remember if Joelle Carter was in the episodes I've seen but she looks kind of familiar so let's all get excited that she's been added to the cast of the upcoming Lionsgate film "Jessabelle". Carter will play the mother of a girl who's forced to return to her father's home after she loses the use of her legs. I hope she knows the "I Have No Legs" song.

Marc D. Evans has gone on record that the plan is for "The Strangers 2" to begin production this fall and that a director will be chosen shortly. I don't believe him. Let's move on.

Have a loved one with an upcoming birthday you want to ruin? Well good news! "A Serbian Film" will finally see a limited unedited US release on May 22nd. The news comes after months of legal issues and forced edits to get the film ready for US shelves. Why this giant mess is being allowed I have no idea but I assume the discussion went something like, "fine if you pricks want to cry yourselves to sleep for a week then be my guest!"

Edward Norton, Gael Garcia Bernal and Rebecca Hall, and Sean Penn are all apparently in talks to take on roles in the upcoming "Robocop" remake. I mean they're all looking to play different roles. Although that would be kind of awesome if they all played Robocop. Like some sort of giant weird Hollywood Voltron. I'd like Ed Norton to be the head, please. I just like the cut of that guy's jib.

In Real People News: 

Now that we've all agreed that global warming is kind of awesome the "ass dial" has become the biggest problem facing the world today. Case in point, this Washington man who stole a car and accidentally dialed 911 from the phone that was in his pocket.

Horror Headlines: Monday, March 12th, 2011

If forced at gun point to pick a favorite The Real Housewives show I would have to go with "The Real Housewives Of Orange County". It's the original so it'll always hold a place in my heart. Yes I know New Jersey brings the drama but if you didn't cry this season when Tamra and Gretchen became friends then you probably don't have a heart.

Sony Pictures has snatched up the rights to "Lockdown At Franklin High", a new monster flick set in a High School. Joe Ballarini and Gregg Bishop, the super duo behind "Dance Of The Dead" penned the script and none other than Mr. Michael Bay himself is apparently in talks to produce the film. You know what that means fellas. Supermodels who can hardly speak English!

The "Robocop" remake is on the fact track all of the sudden. It seemed like just a couple weeks ago we had no director, leading man or release date. Now the holy trinity is complete with the announcement that it'll hit theaters on August 9, 2013. Yes that's over almost a year and a half away but I'm confident with some hard work and a little bit of elbow grease we can all make this happen on time.

A while back we told you about the short film "Myctophobia" and how our friends over at Drunken Zombie were on the prowl for funding to get the project off the ground. Well it looks like all that shaking babies and kissing hands worked because today they've got a trailer for the project that will premier at Days Of The Dead in Indianapolis July 7th. So.. you're welcome and stuff.

I have no problem with Tobey Maguire but for some reason his name makes me want to punch him in the face. This in no way has anything to do with his production company Material Pictures going full steam ahead with a new alien flick titled "Fifth Wave" but I thought you might want to know. GK Films also has there tootsies in this hot tub about a girl searching for her brother after an alien invasion. What a gross word. Tootsies.

In Real People News: 

The worst possible way to start off your vacation is sitting on a plane while the flight attendant is being kicked off for telling everyone the plane is going to crash. Well I'm sure there are worse things but that's got to be in the top 20 for sure.

You must feel like king of the world when you're crowned Pokémon Champion so in turn there must be no worse feeling on the planet than having that titled stripped away from you after the judges learn that you snuck out into a hotel hallway the night before and took a crap on the floor. Only Vanessa Williams could possible know this kind of pain.

Horror Headlines: Monday, February 27th, 2011

Ever since season 2 of "The Walking Dead" picked back up I've been giddy with excitement over all the happenings with our band of zombie killers. And with news today that British actor David Morrissey will be joining the cast in season 3 as "The Governor", the leader of a group of survivors that the run into Rick and the gang, well I'm just skipping around. Alright honestly I don't even know who this guy but this is the best you're going to get today. Don't forget to tip your waiter.

Christian Bale has been confirmed to be taking the lead role in a new revenge flick from "Crazy Heart" director Scott Cooper titled "Out of the Furnace". The film is set in 1986 Indiana and Bale will play a former prisoner who finds out his brother has been murdered while he was locked up. I smell prison shower scene! Not literally, I don't know what that would actually smell like. Awful I bet.

I've lost track of what's actually going on with the "Robocop" remake but it looks like "The Killing" star Joel Kinnaman has received an offer from MGM to take on the lead role of Alex Murphy, the cop turned robot.. or Robocop as you might call him. Seriously, didn't Colin Farrell already take the role? What the hell is going on here. Where am I!?

I didn't want to talk about this because I feel like there's a new casting update every day for some new horror show but here goes. Dave Annable has joined the cast of "666 Park Avenue." Please update your score cards.

In Real People News: 

A SWAT team in Florida spent over 8 hours this past Sunday in a heated stand off with a 75 year old man they thought had barricaded himself in his house. Of course heated in this case means the guy was actually just fast asleep from a mixture of alcohol and sleeping pills but it's Florida, they use different terms down there.

This guy in Florida isn't just your average run of the mill public masturbater. No he makes weird animal noises in the bushes to attract people while he's doing it. Of course if you walk over to a bush because there's weird animal noises coming from it you should probably get bit by an animal so seeing a guy go to town on himself might not be that bad.

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