Caroline Williams

Horror Headlines: Friday, May 25th, 2012

Chances are most of you have checked out already for the long weekend so I kind of feel like I can say anything I want in the news today and no one will notice. Even if you actually showed up to work and are looking at this copy you're not really reading it. You're thinking of dry humping your best gal on the beach somewhere or whatever the hell it is you'll be doing this weekend. So here it goes... I've never understood why people like "Lord Of the Rings" and I've never found Angelina Jolie attractive. Alright let's do this.

The Spy Kid himself Mason Cook has signed on to play the role of young Eddie Munster in NBC's new series "Mockingbird Lane". For those of you not familiar with the show "Mockingbird Lane" is an updated and much darker retelling of the classic sitcom "The Munsters". One time when I was in middle school I tried to make it with a butter churn.

New Jersey's own Zoe Saldana has been added to the cast of "Machete Kills" and Danny Trejo himself has confirmed that he gets to put his mouth on her. How's that for news? I watched 3 seasons of "Glee" before I realized it was awful.

If there's one complaint I always hear about the classic film "The Exorcist" it's that the film is just too darn scary and needs to be watered down. Well good news for all those who hate awesome things the flick is being remade and for television. The show will be a ten part series and in all fairness with "Martha Marcy May Marlene" director Sean Durkin onboard I don't hate this idea as much as I thought I would. I illegally downloaded 3 Linkin Park songs that I have on my iPod when I run.

Derek Mears, who's been in every horror movie made in the last 15 years, only covered in make up... and Caroline Williams, who played Stretch in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", have been added to the cast of the much anticipated "Hatchet 3". My first time was with a girl I met on the internet and never spoke to again after that night.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes you've got to get the skid marks out and the only way to do that is to break into your neighbor's house and do your laundry. Sometimes that is.

In case you were wondering, Ted Kaczynski, better known as the Unabomber, will not be able to attend his 50th college reunion at Harvard. Ya know, cause of all the bombs and stuff he makes.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, May 15th, 2011

I've officially not slept in over 24 hours. Today's news might be an incoherent mess. My big fear here is actually that it will be my best to date and I'll have to start not sleeping for most of the week. I do this for you people! I'm starting to smell.

ABC has officially picked up the new series "666 Park Avenue" which focuses on a couple who tend to an apartment building full of spooky time happenings. Not going to lie I thought they had picked up the show months ago but what the hell do I know. I could be pulling your leg about this entire thing. Maybe there isn't even a show. Maybe ABC isn't even a real station!

Most of us know Caroline Williams as Stretch from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" but now the final girl has been cast in a new film titled "Contracted". The film is about a young woman who contracts what she thinks is your average run of the mill STD during a one night stand. Williams will play the girl's mother and confidant when that not so fresh feeling takes over.

BGH's own fancy lad Jon really loved "Daybreakers" so he'll be moistening up his pantaloons when he hears the news that the films directors, the Spierig Brothers, and Ethan Hawke are once again teaming up for a new film. Titled "Predestination", the film follows a secret Government agency who sends their grunts through time to stop murderers and terrorists. Pretty sure there's a new Bruce Willis movie titled "Looper" coming out with almost the same exact plot. I blame you, Jon.

The John Landis produced joint "Some Guy Who Kills People" will see it's way to a DVD release on July 3rd for your viewing pleasure. The DVD will be chock full of commentary, extra footage and the short that inspired the film about a man who snaps and takes out his anger on a group of High School bullies who captured and tortured him. There's also an ice cream parlor, so there's a little something for your sweet tooth, Hans.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to hold up an internet cafe maybe you should think about logging out of Facebook before you go pulling out the gun. Silly internet people.

Soooo 49 headless corpses were found a long the side of the road in Mexico and appear to be related to an ongoing drug war. Please plan your Spring Break festivities accordingly.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, March 6th, 2011

I have the smallest and most exciting update on "The Dark Tower", the Stephen King adaptation that had Ron Howard attached to it months ago and has yet to gain any traction. Well, it looks like one brave soul took to twitter to ask the man himself if he's still directing and always the gentlemen Richie Cunningham replied back saying that "I hope and plan to. Love it”. What a guy.

Mark my words people, anthology films are going to be the new hotness. "The Profane Exhibit" for example is new in the works and none other than Mr. Uwe Boll has just wrapped his contribution to the film: a short about a married couple, played by Clint Howard and Caroline Williams, who have kept their daughter locked in the basement her entire life. I can't even think of anything funny to say. I'm too shocked that Clint Howard bagged Stretch.

Bob Gale wrote "Back To the Future" and you should love him for that. And now he's going to do the big screen adaptation of Scott Hampton’s graphic novel "Trespassers". The story follows a group of mythbusters who set out to dispel the story of a local haunted house. They come to find out the house is all kinds of messed up with demons and a gateway to hell. And the only way to stop it is to build a car that can take you back in time! Alright that last part isn't true, but man it would be awesome.

I'm probably confused, but I thought "Cloverfield 2" wasn't happening anymore. But now director Drew Goddard has confirmed that he's officially on board for the found footage follow up. Although he kind of said it like he's in, so call some other people and get it happening. I don't know if he wants me to do that. I don't know anyone's number. I've got my own job. What a jerk that guy is. Putting that all on me.

In Real People News: 

I knew that you can go to jail for packaging up flour and trying to sell it like drugs, but I had no idea you could be locked up for exposing fake genitalia to someone. I thank this guy from Maryland for that little nugget of knowledge.

Kicking in the balls is a real prick move when you're fighting another guy. Do the manly thing like this guy in Texas. Bight your opponent's nose off. It's just clean fighting.

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