Machete Kills

Bloody Good Halloween Horror Movie Choices for 2013

Halloween season is officially underway! And for all the like minded 'Halloween People' out there this is a time of joy, celebration, and triumph as the waves of 'normies' flock to each one of us for opinions on what to watch throughout the scariest of seasons.

Though we will always have great suggestions and fun picks to throw their way, we're not always 100% caught up to date with the best options during the season. So here at BloodyGoodHorror we have a listing of some of the strongest suggestions theatrically, rental wise, and even the most up to date Netflix Instant suggestions.

Horror Headlines: Friday May 31st, 2013

It's 4 am, I've been awake for over an hour and I can't get Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar" out of my head. A 7 am flight to Nashville should do the trick.

The trailer for "Machete Kills" has hit the tubes and to be honest I think I might want to make a baby with this movie. And not just because of Sofia Vergara. Well mostly because of Sofia Vergara. I really like Sofia Vergara. A lot.

NBC has decided to pick up "Hannibal" for a second season despite lackluster ratings in my household. The show got a 0 out of 3 viewership in my home after the first episode sat on my DVR for close to two weeks before I finally said, "I'm never going to watch this" and then deleted it. I don't know what those TV big wigs are thinking.

Michael C. Hall has been confirmed to be playing the lead in Jim Mickle's big screen adaptation of "Cold In July". The story follows a man who finds himself in hot water after he kills an ex-con's son. I like to think that Michael C. Hall and C. Thomas Howell are really good friends and do everything together. But that's just me.

I haven't seen "Demons" or "Demons 2" since I was just a wee lad but I do remember enjoying them a great deal. And now I can relive those watercolor memories thanks to the folks at Synapse because they're releasing both flicks on Blu-Ray later this year in a limited edition steel case. Why they hell do you need these films in a steel case? I have no idea but they're chock full of extras and someday could be worth 3 to 4 dollars more of less than you originally paid. Get em while they're hot.

In Real People News: 

The Maryland kid who got suspended from school for shaping his Pop-Tart into a gun has been given a lifetime NRA membership. So that all worked out for the best I guess. I look forward to hearing of his prison sentence in 5 to 10 years.

Now I don't condone driving drunk at all but if you're going to do it you should probably do it like this guy in New Mexico who got into a car crash while being under the influence and having sex with a woman. But seriously, don't do it.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday January 16th, 2013

It's a known fact that anytime Danny Trejo makes out with a girl half his age an angel gets its wings. So good news for all the flightless people in the big upstairs because "Machete Kills" has finally been slapped with a September 13, 2013 release date. Watching him make out is without a doubt one of the most upsetting and inspiring things the human eye can see.

If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that the original "The Crazies" was awful and the 2010 remake was awesome. There is not a single person on this planet who can argue that. Well the guy who co-wrote the retelling, Ray Wright, has just signed on the pen the script to "The Widow". The film follows a younger woman who befriends a older widow only to find that their meeting was not a coincidence. Sounds frighting already. Old people you know. You can see their veins.

The US remake of the Chilean flick "Hidden In the Woods" has landed itself one half of the Babysitter Twins duo in the form of Electra Avellan. No word on if her sister will join the cast but the a story of two sisters fighting to escape the prison like environment they've been raised in, so I mean they need a sister right? If not I hope they got the one with the least unintelligible accent.

Youngster Colin Ford has been added to the cast of "Under the Dome", a Stephen King and Steven Spielberg collaboration currently set for a 13 episode run on CBS starting this June. Based on King's novel the series is set in a small town whose residents discover they've been trapped by a mysterious barrier. I hope there's a Taco Bell in the town. I mean no tacos? I'd be all like, "you gotta get this barrier to go away. I need tacos!"

In Real People News: 

I have no idea how this happens but a woman in Sweden figured out a way to crash a train into a house. You almost have to be impressed with that kind of thing. Almost.

If you lost a shipment of 18 human heads recently I've got some good news. They've turned up at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport and can be picked up at your earliest convince. You're welcome.

Horror Headlines: Friday, July 6th, 2012

I don't usually like to write about behind the scenes videos on here because let's be honest they're usually pretty boring but today I have to break that rule. Today we have a clip from the set of "Machete Kills" featuring the one and only Sofía Vergara. Yes she's wearing next to nothing in the clip and yes it's 100% creepy that this was actually posted on her son's video blog but I think the first point outweighs the second. You try to tell me I'm wrong.

Exciting news has come out of Jamie Lee Curtis' camp that the original scream queen will be making her first and last appearance at a horror convention this coming November. She's stopping in to a special Horror Hound Weekend in Indianapolis from November 16-18 for photo signings, QA and I hope drunken fire tossing in the courtyard. All the money she makes over the weekend will go to Starlight Children's Foundation so if she does end up tossing around the devil stix please drop a 20 in the hat on the ground.

The good folks over at The Scream Factory have dropped knowledge that they will be releasing blu-ray editions of the classic horror flicks "Terror Train" and "The Funhouse" on October 16th. Both will be chock full of special features including audio commentaries, photo galleries and trailers. Only one of them will feature a train though while the other will take place at a carnival. Try to guess which is which.

In Real People News: 

Attacking people with a sword is pretty awful but I'm sure even the victims have to admit you kind of look like a bad ass. If you happen to have a peanut butter sandwich in the other hand though you kind of just look like a crazy guy. Devil's in the details.

Having your genitals grabbed by the maid when you're 14 can be a pretty traumatic experience but at the end of the day you'll probably just end up bragging to your friends on the playground. Unless of course that maid turns out to be a cross dressing man. Then you're going to file some charges. It's called evolution folks.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, June 28th, 2012

There's a new trailer for the "Total Recall" remake out but that's not the big news here. The big news is that in the trailer we have 100% confirmation that there's a 3 boobied hooker. I know, I can barely type I'm so excited. This might be the greatest day in the history of the world.

There can only be one "Highlander"! Well actually there can be multiple. There was for sure a sequel and now there's a remake of the 1986 cult classic that I've never seen. But I might see the remake, because Ryan Reynolds has been confirmed to be taking the lead in the film. I'm not going to go into why I will see it now because of him. I don't have to explain myself to you.

Sing this with me. I... like... movies with Danny Trejo. Charlie Sheen playing the president. And.. AND... TWINS! Remember those commercials?! Well I do and I'm talking about Elise and Electra Avellan being added to the cast of "Machete Kills". For those of you who don't follow the work of Robert Rodriguez the Avellan twins were those two girls from "Planet Terror" and the original "Machete" flick. Your move, 3 boobied alien.

For those of you who have been waiting with baited breath for the new "Carrie" remake I have the honor or breaking the news to you that production has officially begun in Toronto. For those of you who love freedom and hate maple syrup I have to misfortune of telling you that the "Carrie" remake has begun production in Toronto.

In Real People News: 

Here's a Seattle man who loves flashing so much that he stopped off on his way to court to flash some people. What was he on his way to court for? Well if I have to tell you that then you probably don't get any of my comic wit now do you.

When you're a pizza delivery lady and you come back to your car after making a drop off to find a naked man attacking your car and claiming it's his it's really best to just let him do his thing. That's just sound advice if you ask me.

Horror Headlines: Friday, June 22nd, 2012

Tomorrow night a buddy of mine is having a bachelor party in the fine city of New York. It's my first real night out of debauchery since my little bundle of joy stepped into the world some 11 months ago. This could go 1 of 2 ways. I could either be dead on my feet by 11, I don't think I've been up past then since I became a father other than when woken up by crying.... or I could go so far off the deep end then I end up getting drunk out of my mind and start a fist fight with a hooker. If there's no news on Monday assume the latter happened.

I don't know why I didn't see this coming but Charlie Sheen has signed on to play the President in Robert Rodriguez's "Machete Kills". I assume Gary Busey will be joining the cast any day now. I'm fine with all this by the way.

Word around town is that Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver have been picked up by the folks at Universal to bang out the script for "Jurassic Park 4". You might recognize those two names from their work on 2011's "Rise of the Planet of the Apes". Perhaps "bang out" isn't the right term I should be using. I don't know if they're banging or anything. They may be happily married and now their better halves are obviously reading this and throwing a fit. God I've ruined another marriage!

I had no idea I was so pissed that Darren Ward's "A Day of Violence" hadn't made its way to the States but the internet tells me I should be excited about it it hitting our shores on August 21st so god damn it if I'm not all a flutter. The film has been sitting around since 2007 follows a British gangster as he chops down his rivals who are after him for the money he stole. Seriously I have never heard of this thing. But don't let that take away from the hoopla that's about to drop... from my pants.

What's better than a Roger Corman flick where a bunch of girls run around having tickle fights? How about one of those woman being 50 foot tall and in 3D? I know, it seems so simple it could just work! Well word has come from the mountains that Corman is ready to unveil his masterpiece, titled "Attack of the 50ft Cheerleader", next month at Comic-Con after a panel discussion. Let the magic begin.

In Real People News: 

A guy who insists on calling himself Thor snapped and started showing everyone his uncut manhood while dressed like a woman? There must be some kind of reasonable explanation. We'd all like to be called Thor. This guy was obviously just sane enough to think of it first.

Sometimes the trauma of getting into a car crash can leave someone so shaken they do crazy things. Like this Texas woman who left her kids at the scene, walked to a CVS, stripped and start eating ice cream. I'm not saying you won't go to jail for this, you 100% will, I'm just saying it happens.

Horror Headlines: Monday, June 17th, 2012

Imagine Entertainment has their beady little eyes set on a new version of George Orwell’s "1984" and has already tapped Noah Oppenheim to pen the script. For those of you not familiar with the book it's kind of like that show "Big Brother" but with more torture and less HOH competitions.

"Monster Problems" sounds like a movie that should have an awesome theme song. Not many movies have theme songs anymore though huh? Oh man remember the 80's?! Well maybe it will have a theme song. And maybe a Shawn Levy will dance around in the video because he's just been added to the cast of the post-apocalyptic road trip love story film. I hope Kenny Loggins sings the song.

Edward James Olmos, more than any other person, made me want to learn math. I'm not going to explain why. You should already know. Well now he's going to make me want to.. I don't know, move to Mexico maybe? Because he's joined the cast of Robert Rodriguez's "Machete Kills". He makes me want to learn Spanish also. I feel like that would be useful.

I'm starting to think that "Mad Max: Fury Road" is actually happening because Rosie Huntington-Whiteley of prancing around in her underthings fame has just been added to the cast. In her own words she's playing one of "five women being taken from one place to another place". Sounds riveting. Put that crap on a poster man.

In Real People News: 

A different Ohio man is in jail after he was caught having sex with a teddy bear in public... for the second time. Nice try Ohio, you had me for a second there.

An Ohio man is in jail after a judge tossed him in the slammer for showing up to court in saggy jeans. Ohio, every once in a while you get it right.

Horror Headlines: Friday, May 25th, 2012

Chances are most of you have checked out already for the long weekend so I kind of feel like I can say anything I want in the news today and no one will notice. Even if you actually showed up to work and are looking at this copy you're not really reading it. You're thinking of dry humping your best gal on the beach somewhere or whatever the hell it is you'll be doing this weekend. So here it goes... I've never understood why people like "Lord Of the Rings" and I've never found Angelina Jolie attractive. Alright let's do this.

The Spy Kid himself Mason Cook has signed on to play the role of young Eddie Munster in NBC's new series "Mockingbird Lane". For those of you not familiar with the show "Mockingbird Lane" is an updated and much darker retelling of the classic sitcom "The Munsters". One time when I was in middle school I tried to make it with a butter churn.

New Jersey's own Zoe Saldana has been added to the cast of "Machete Kills" and Danny Trejo himself has confirmed that he gets to put his mouth on her. How's that for news? I watched 3 seasons of "Glee" before I realized it was awful.

If there's one complaint I always hear about the classic film "The Exorcist" it's that the film is just too darn scary and needs to be watered down. Well good news for all those who hate awesome things the flick is being remade and for television. The show will be a ten part series and in all fairness with "Martha Marcy May Marlene" director Sean Durkin onboard I don't hate this idea as much as I thought I would. I illegally downloaded 3 Linkin Park songs that I have on my iPod when I run.

Derek Mears, who's been in every horror movie made in the last 15 years, only covered in make up... and Caroline Williams, who played Stretch in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", have been added to the cast of the much anticipated "Hatchet 3". My first time was with a girl I met on the internet and never spoke to again after that night.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes you've got to get the skid marks out and the only way to do that is to break into your neighbor's house and do your laundry. Sometimes that is.

In case you were wondering, Ted Kaczynski, better known as the Unabomber, will not be able to attend his 50th college reunion at Harvard. Ya know, cause of all the bombs and stuff he makes.

Horror Headlines: Monday, May 7th, 2011

Award Pictures is apparently in the process of having their asses sued by Mr. Sam Raimi over their plans to make an "Evil Dead 4" film without his involvement or permission. While there's little chance we'll ever actually see "Evil Dead 4: Consequences" I think this is a perfect opportunity for someone to swoop in and make "Evil Dead 5" before anyone has a chance to notice. I'm already working on part 7.

Sharlto Copley, the little alien that couldn't from "District 9", is in talks to play opposite Angelina Jolie in "Maleficent", a new film that plans to tell the back story behind Sleeping Beauty. If he joins the cast Copley will play King Stefan, the napping sweetheart's father. Alien kings! What'll they think of next?

Mick Garris looks like he could be Michael Bay's crazy Uncle but he isn't, I looked it up on the internet to confirm. He is directing a new UFO conspiracy film titled "Invasion" though so it's kind of like they're direction relatives. Ya know, cause they both direct movies. They hang out at the same bars and crap I assume. The Directors Chair I bet it's called. And they have a drink called The Black List with Whiskey and chalk shavings in it. What a couple of jerks.

Sofia Vergara has joined the cast of "Machete Kills". I assume this move is because Jessica Alba is an asshole on the sets of movies and Robert Rodriguez can't cut her out of the film so he did the next best thing. Found a woman that makes her look like a dog faced monster. Well played, señor.

In Real People News: 

We've all played the old "hey my zipper is down and my junk is hanging out" game at the check out line of our local grocery store, but apparently this guy in Michigan is going to jail for it. This is just like those stories you hear about dodge ball being taken out of schools. Fun is dead.

A Long Island woman is accused of selling both sex and hot dogs along the side of the road from a cart. I swear to god it's like every time there's a new street meat trend I always find out about it a day too late.

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