The trailer for "Piranha 3DD" is finally here and I can't say there's any surprises in it but there's also everything you could possibly want. Lots of boobs, blood and over the top 3D are here for your viewing pleasure. There's also Ving Rhames with gun-legs and David Hasselhoff being kind of a prick. I feel like those last two things should have been some sort of surprise to me and everyone else. But they aren't. These are strange times we live in my friends.
I can't really keep up with what movies are actually filming right now and which ones are riddled with production issues. It's not like I write about this crap every day or something. But it looks like "World War Z" is in fact full steam ahead. Proof of this can be found in the boat load of new on set videos that have hit the tubes showing all kinds of zombie action in the outbreak flick. Check em out because Star A walks off the set because Star B screwed his girlfriend in the trailers during lunch break.
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the first poster for "Seven Below". A group of people trapped in a haunted house during a freak storm sounds like the thing Hollywood dreams are made of. But the kicker? The film stars Val Kilmer and Ving Rhames. Double V! Not going to lie I've had terrible nightmares that involved being trapped in a house with Val Kilmer. There wasn't any ghosts though. it was just him drinking JD and screaming "I was Batman god damn it.... BATMAN!"
David Cronenberg makes movies people like so it only stands to reason that his son, Brandon would too. That's just logic, folks. So young master Brandon will be taking on "Antiviral", a odd story that revolves around a clinic that has begun replicating celebrity diseases and the salesmen who becomes obsessed with one particular strain. A story we can all relate to.
So they're going to make a couple more "Cabin Fever" movies. "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero" and "Cabin Fever: Outbreak" are both set to begin filming in the Dominican Republic sometime next year, one taking place on a boat and the other on a Caribbean island. I'd like to speak directly to the fine people of the Dominican Republic now. I visited your fine country a few years back while I was on my Honeymoon and during my 35 minute taxi ride to the enclosed resort my wife and I were staying at I couldn't help but notice your numerous armed service men wandering the dirt roads. I'll let you fill in the rest.
In Real People News:
I'm sorry I thought paying your monthly membership at a gym meant you had the right to go ape shit and take things to the extreme. Apparently I was wrong because this Upstate NY man simply punched a guy in the face, flipped over some equipment and destroyed a display case and the cops decided to taser the shit out him. And by taser the shit out of I mean they killed him. To the extreme.
Three Polish police commandos are being forced to leave their jobs after they took a side gig protecting Paris Hilton during her recent visit to my mother land. Apparently it's a big no no to do side work without permission but I'm thinking the underlying issue here is all that night vision crap that was in her porn video. "Vy culdn't she... duuuh... turn on zi light.... duuuhhh. You fired duuuh." It's cool I'm half Polish, I can make fun of my own people.
What the world needs now is more graphic novel adaptations. Now more than ever. So thank the good people at Solipsist Films who are making a big screen adaptation of the GN (let's call them GN's from now on, it sounds hip) "In The Dust". The GN tells the story of a group of families being attacked by vampires in 1930's Chicago. The world also needs more vampire movies but that goes without saying.
There hasn't been a ton of BUZZ around "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D" (see what I did there) but today we've got our first poster from the flick. And while I don't think the poster is going to cause much BUZZ on the tubes I sure am glad I SAW it. Oh man I'm on a roll today. A chainsaw roll! That makes no sense I know but let's just go with it.
If there's been a question on my mind since the announcement of "Piranha 3DD" it's how the hell were they going to bring back Ving Rhames? Well today we've got a teaser for the flick and we find out. I don't want to spoil it but it's pretty awesome. There's also a ton of boobs. It's a good day.
You don't need to know what "Black Butterfly" is about. You just need to know that Nicolas Cage has signed on to the film and that it will be awesome. Alright fine! The movie's about a drunk author who takes in a hobo in the hopes of finding inspiration. Man I can't wait to see how they make this movie awesome because that story sounds terrible.
I'm no one to judge people for their turn-ons but I've always made it a point to ask someone before I go around licking their knees and face. But maybe things are done differently in Arizona. I don't know. I'm old fashioned.
"I Saw the Devil" director Kim ji-Woon has lined up "The Last Stand" as his official entry into the world of English cinema. The movie will focus on drug lord trying to make his way down to Mexico and the sheriff hellbent on stopping him. Even better news it that Arnold Schwarzenegger himself will take on the role of said sheriff. Estaré de vuelta! According to Google that's "I'll be back" in Spanish.
Ray Liotta, Christian Slater and Ving Rhames in a straight to DVD thriller? Oh how the mighty have fallen. The movie is "The River Murders" and it's about a giant river that comes to life and murders people. Alright that's a lie, it's about a detective, played by Liotta, who is trying to hunt down a murderer who is taking out his ex-girlfriends one by one. I'm not sure I'd really work that hard to stop something like this. Sounds like someone's doing him a favor. Maybe send one of those Edible Arrangements.
Been waiting a long time for the next installment in the "Evil Dead" series? Well it looks like you might not have to wait much longer. Maybe. Word around campus is long time Sam Raimi collaborator and editor Bob Murawski has descended on Detroit to begin production on the film. If it's true it looks like the long delayed project could begin shooting sometime in the near future. If it isn't true I just look like I believe everything I read on the internet. Which I see absolutely no reason to stop doing.
Last week the internet was all abuzz with the rumor that Spike Lee might be hopping into the director's chair for the US remake of the Chan-wook Park's "Oldboy" and now it looks like he's officially been confirmed. So that happened. Feel free to go back to last week's news and read the hilarious jokes I put in the post about the rumor. I think there was something about America being awesome. Which of course is no joke. Rock, flag and eagle!
In Real People News:
Michael Todd, bassist for the awful rock band Coheed and Cambria was arrested this past weekend after he stole Oxycontin from a Walgreen’s pharmacy. Now if only the rest of the band would be picked up on charges of making terrible music I could go to sleep a happy man tonight. So in summery, I hate Coheed and Cambria.
A 57 year old man in Ireland is under arrested after his girlfriend died of an apparently allergic reaction to dog sperm. Let that sentence sink in for a minute. Alright let's move on. The two apparently met in a bestiality chat room and eventually agreed to meet in order to let the lovely lass go to town with the gentleman's dog. Later on she developed a severe reaction to the "aftermath" and eventually died at a local hospital. Interesting part here, and I feel sick saying this, is that he's not under arrest because she died but rather for allowing the dog to have sex with her in the first place. It's a terrible way to get caught for the crime though.
All of us here at the BGH offices are just tickled pink that "Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil" is finally getting released on VOD next month and we hope you get just as misty as we did when you see the new poster that's hit the tubes. The film, which follows two mountain men who end up being mistaken for a couple of murderers has been doing the convention circuit for some time now but didn't get picked up with a release date until recently. On a side note I would really appreciate it if the prick who keeps finishing the coffee and not making a new pot would cut the crap.
Holy crap has it already been 20 years since I rented "Subspecies" because it had a half naked woman on the cover? Time really flies doesn't it. Well now I can relive the disappointment of the movie not being soft core porn all over again because the good people at Full Moon Entertainment are giving the "classic" vampire flick a Blu-Ray release on July 25th. Unfortunately the only special feature on the disc will be the original "Video Zone" that appeared on the VHS for the movie but those were pretty fun. I wonder if any of those "Puppet Master" action figures are still for sale.
"Wake Wood" director David Keating is lined up to direct "The Cherry Tree" as his next spooky outing. The movie follows a 16 year old girl who chooses to have Satan's baby in order to save the life of her father. A choice facing many of our nation's youth today. I'm pretty sure MTV has a reality show based on it.
Ving Rhames has landed a role in the zombie apocalypse movie titled "A Zombie Apocalypse". Clever, I know. He's joined by Lesley-Ann Brandt, Gary Weeks, Johnny Pacer and Taryn Manning, who also happens to be in my top 5 all time favorite film hookers. A list coveted by actresses around the globe. The flick is currently filming in LA and is expected to be released later this year on DVD.
In Real People News:
A North Dakota man went a little overboard with his celebration of freedom this past 4th of July and accidentally blew his own head off when the fireworks display he set off in his front yard got a little out of hand. Police are still unsure how the mishap happened but I've officially decided this is how I want to go out... For freedom.
I like this guy's style. A Florida man is under arrested after he planted black widow eggs in his ex-girlfriends mailbox. Now see, that's commitment. Most guys would just toss a couple live spiders in there but this guy was in it for the long haul. Good for you my crazy ass friend. Good for you.
If you saw "Catfish" and were as disappointed as I was then get ready because the duo behind the film have officially signed up to disappoint you with "Paranormal Activity 3". Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman are on board to direct that magic that will be "PA3: Back in Da Hood" which is currently plotting an October 21st release. And no that's not actually the title of the movie. It would be pretty awesome if it was though.
Well this should be interesting. Along with Paul Scheer and Christopher Lloyd none other than Mr. Ving Rhames has signed on to return in "Piranha 3DD". This of course is very exciting because Rhames' character had one of the best deaths in the original flick and now we're all moist to see how he's going to return for the sequel. I apologize if you haven't seen the first film yet and I just ruined it. I also apologize for using the word "moist"
Andy Garcia, William Fichtner, Ed Harris and Natascha McElhone have all been added to the cast of the upcoming supernatural thriller "Phantom". The movie focuses on a Soviet submarine captain who discovers there's something about his vessel that could end the lives of him and his entire crew. I'm also happy to announce that this is the most amount of legitimate actors I've ever mentioned in one news post. I think I might cry.
What's better than a found footage flick? How about a low budget one! Ladies and gentlemen I present to you "051: Confidential", a new movie that was supposedly found outside of Area 51 and is now being used as a training video by the military. Who found it? Now one knows! Let's go with me. I found it! You're welcome, America. Now kiss my grits!
In Real People News:
What would Jesus do? Apparently stab her boyfriend like crazy so he can get to hell. I know it's insane, a woman! Anyway a Minnesota woman is currently under arrest after going bonkers and claiming to be big J and then attacking her boyfriend. Hell hath no fury like our Lord and savior while she's on the rag.
It's got to be upsetting to find out your kids are downtown with the cops being booked for shoplifting. So much so that you might want to knock a few back to take the edge off. Of course when you go to pick up your kids you might want to not be wasted, much like this mother of the year in Louisiana did. Are you crying from the beauty of it all? I hope so.
For those of you who were excited about "Ouijia" being a spooky ass film about demons and murder prepare to be disappointed. According to screenwriters Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis the flick will have more of an "Indiana Jones" vibe to it. Kind of sucks I know but I hope they have the board wear a tiny little Indy hat, that will be adorable.
Chris Smith's Medieval romp "Black Death" will hit On-Demand, Xbox, Amazon.com and all other forms of online tubes on February 4th and in theaters starting on March 11th. And by theaters I mean some small ones you'll never walk in because you've already downloaded a copy of the film illegally. I'll see you in hell.
Some hot new details about Chris Nolan's "The Dark Knight Rises" have hit the nets and I'm going to try to explain them. Dr. Hugo Strange will be the main bad guy, Black Mask runs the criminal underworld, Talia al Ghul looks to take out Bruce Wayne, Killer Croc is also looking to take a crack at Batman and if you understand what any of these things means you've probably never seen a girl naked. Congrats.
There's rumors floating around that Ving Rhames will find his way into "Piranha 3DD" despite biting the big one in the first film. There is absolutely to reason for anyone to be surprised by this. I'd bet money that Jerry O'Connell's penis shows up again too.
In Real People News:
I smell road trip! A bar in Baltimore has started hosting a monthly event they're calling "Beer & Bacon Happy Hour." The event features bacon flavored drinks, a bacon focused menu and best of all bottomless bowls of fresh cooked bacon. The place is called Bad Decisions and I will officially be moving there next week.
A 2 year old in PA was rescued recently after crawling inside a toy crane machine and spending a solid 15 minutes enjoying herself. The question really is if someone used the machine and got the baby out with the claw would that baby then legally be owned by that person?
If you thought the 2008 "Death Race" was a one shot deal, you were wrong! Universal Home Video has announced the direct to video sequel "Death Race: Frankenstein Lives" starring Luke Goss in drivers seat. Joining him will be the likes of Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo and Sean Bean, which makes you wonder which part of the track their careers crashed in.
A woman in Daytona Beach Shores, FL is arrested for trying to set fire to her neighbors condo with a Molotov Cocktail. She was upset because the neighbor was purportedly using the internet. According to the woman, computers were used to murder people on the internet and weren't allowed on the property. It was all okay though because she stated she received a presidential pardon before she pumped the gas for her cocktails. What?
On this day in history:
1959 - Failed baseball player Fidel Castro is sworn in as President For Life of Cuba
David R. Ellis to bring us "Humpty Dumpty". The new film by the "Final Destination 2" and "FD: Deathtrip 3D" director is about: "a half-human, half alien creature who embarks on a murderous rampage after his alien mother is abused by two rednecks in the deep South." Oh, it will also be in 3D, so there's that.
The rest of the episodes of "Harper's Island" will run on Saturdays at 9:00pm on CBS. They've all but given up on the show being a ratings success, but since the episodes were already produced they figured they should let it run out. Saturdays are typically filled with reruns for most networks anyways, so there's no real loss for them shifting to that night. Apparently the show was going to be canceled outright, but it was significant DVR ratings that saved it from the ax.