Let's deal with the question on everyone's mind right off the top: Would the sequel to 2010's well-regarded horror comedy "Piranha 3D" be able to match the disembodied male sex organ quotient of the original? Happily -- or perhaps unhappily, depending on your feelings -- the answer is yes, sweet lord yes!
Summer movie season is here in all it's popcorn filled glory. Though as fun and indulgent as this time of year is for film fans, it can often leave horror fans wanting. Yet a strong set of films is on the horizon that should keep genre fans relatively happy throughout their summer break. So without further ado here are the 9 Most Anticipated Summer Genre Films.
No surprise here, "Piranha 3DD" has been slapped with an R rating by the fine people at the MPAA because of it's gore and boobies. Those aren't the words they used but I think you get the idea. Boobies.
Hey remember "The X-Files"? I do too. Man we have so many memories in common. Well despite the lack luster results of 2008's "X-Files: I Want To Believe" film it looks like there's a solid chance writer Frank Spotnitz will be dropping another installment in the never ending series sometime in the next few years. Sorry fans of.... whatever the hell else he's been doing. You'll have to wait.
Vinnie Jones might be a giant man but for some reason to me he seems like a big old sweetheart. Vincent D'Onofrio on the other hand is probably a really nice guy but I always assume he's got woman locked in his basement. I'm not sure what 50 Cent does with his free time. The point here is that all three have joined Sylvester Stallone in "The Tomb", a film about a prison designer who must escape his own creation. I didn't say it was a good point.
If you like Bigfoot and you like "The Blair Witch Project" then you're going to love "Exists" which will officially start filming next week. The movie is a found footage flick by Blair Witch mastermind Eduardo Sanchez and tells the story of a group of campers in Texas who are stalked by the big one. If you're luke warm on one of those things and still like the other you might still be excited. I don't want to speak for you.
In Real People News:
Something about saying this Illinois woman is under arrest for "tearing" her boyfriends scrotum off is so much worse then just saying she removed it. Or borrowed it. Tearing is so harsh. It makes my baby making parts hurt.
Remember in "Jackass" when what's his name went into the car wash to get all the doody off his ass? Well apparently that doesn't really work because police in British Columbia discovered a man screaming his head off in the middle of a car wash after he thought it would be funny to run through naked. If you can't trust "Jackass" who can you trust?
Further proof that there is no god, Mr. Tom Six himself has taken to the twitters to announce that "The Human Centipede 3" will feature no less then 500 plus people joined together. Sometimes I wish I was never born.
The words "erotic-thriller" make me really uncomfortable. Probably because the last time I saw a movie that was considered that it had Madonna pouring hot candle wax on Willem Dafoe's nipples. But "Attachment" is apparently a new one starring beaver vet Sharon Stone and today we've learned that Tom Felton has also joined the cast as the college student who has a one night stand with a married woman played by Stone. I pray for no candle wax. Or at least no Willem Dafoe.
"Piranha 3DD" has been a bit up in the air as of late but today we've learned that Dimension Films has given the boob-sploitation romp a June 1st release date. In case you've forgotten the film will be released both in theaters and VOD on the same day. Ya know, in case you can't handle seeing that kind of stuff with an audience. You sicko.
Of the 37 horror shows coming out shortly "666 Park Avenue" is the one that actually sounds kind of interesting. The show will focus on a couple that takes over running an apartment building that houses a number of residents who've sold their souls to the D-man. Matt Miller, the guy who produced "Chuck" has just signed on as executive producer of the show. I have no idea if that's a good thing or not.
In Real People News:
Way to think outside the box. A woman in Culver City California is dead after what appears to be suicide by chainsaw. I have no idea how you even go about doing something like that. The planning must have taken days.
To see boobies in 3D or not to see boobies in 3D. That is the question. It's a tough one, and unfortunately we're all going to have to answer it because Dimension films has just dropped that "Piranha 3DD" will be released both theatricality and on VOD at the same time. So will the dirtbag in me who wants to see bouncy things in 3D win over the part of me that hates seeing sunlight. I for one can't wait to see how this turns out.
There's so many genre shows in the works I almost forgot that there's already one I watch and kind of like. It's "American Horror Story". It's fun to learn things about each other isn't it? But the news here is that Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, and Lily Rabe will all be returning for Season 2 as different characters. The story this season will take place on the East Coast and focus on Jessica Lange's character. I also really enjoy ice cream and Neil Diamond. I love you.
New movie alert! Oh god I love new movie alerts. The project is called "The Occult" and already has Rufus Sewell, Anne Heche, and Alycia Debnam-Carey in the cast. What's more it'll be directed by Christian E. Christiansen who directed "The Roomate" and that movie was terrible! Are you pumped? I was too excited to read the plot, but I did skim it and there's something about the devil's daughter coming to earth and a small town with some girls and some killings. Oh man, it's the best Monday ever.
Good for Julia Stiles. She's landed the lead role in the upcoming NBC series "Midnight Sun" about a FBI agent trying to track down a cult that mysteriously disappeared. I believe we're one step closer to finally seeing a "Save the Last Dance 2".
I've always though it would be cool to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. So did this guy in Sri Lanka apparently, because he attempted to break the record for longest time buried alive. He died though so I don't think he wins and there's a ton of people who have been buried dead for longer than him, so I think he's kind of f'ed.
The trailer for "Piranha 3DD" is finally here and I can't say there's any surprises in it but there's also everything you could possibly want. Lots of boobs, blood and over the top 3D are here for your viewing pleasure. There's also Ving Rhames with gun-legs and David Hasselhoff being kind of a prick. I feel like those last two things should have been some sort of surprise to me and everyone else. But they aren't. These are strange times we live in my friends.
The Holiday's are over, my friends. Now there is nothing but cold and misery to look forward to for the next 3 months. Sure you've got your New Years resolution, but you probably broke that already. I for one have opted to make mine somewhat reasonable. My promise to you is I will gain 15 pounds by 2013. I should have set it higher to be honest, I think I'm already up 7 from this past Sunday. Wish me luck.
Did you know that Tom Sizemore is still alive? I know I was surprised too, but there he is, popping up in the new trailer for "Human Factor", a new film about two investigators trying to find the reason for a mass disappearance of homeless people. Well alright his name is in the trailer, you don't actually see him. But I have to assume he pops up somewhere. I can't imagine they dug up his corpse or anything.
I have no idea what "Jessa Kill" is about but I'm 99% sure it stars a porn star, or would be porn star, as a some kind ninja cheerleader who kills zombies. It's a web series, I know that much. The porn star thing is what really got me hooked though. Episode 1 recently launched and it kind of made me feel all squishy inside. Ya know what I mean? Me either.
Marco Beltrami, an Oscar nominated composer who has a name that makes me question my sexuality, has been hand picked by the gods to compose the score for the upcoming big screen adaptation of "World War Z". For those of you not in the know that book revolves around a UN employee who races around the world trying to stop the zombie apocalypse. Beltrami... just say it out loud.
Yesterday I guess there was news that "Piranha 3DD" would be going direct to DVD over in the UK. I was sleeping most of the day so I missed this. But today it looks like that news was horse doodie anyway so crisis averted. This morning was a real roller coaster ride of emotions for me.
What the world needs now is more graphic novel adaptations. Now more than ever. So thank the good people at Solipsist Films who are making a big screen adaptation of the GN (let's call them GN's from now on, it sounds hip) "In The Dust". The GN tells the story of a group of families being attacked by vampires in 1930's Chicago. The world also needs more vampire movies but that goes without saying.
There hasn't been a ton of BUZZ around "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D" (see what I did there) but today we've got our first poster from the flick. And while I don't think the poster is going to cause much BUZZ on the tubes I sure am glad I SAW it. Oh man I'm on a roll today. A chainsaw roll! That makes no sense I know but let's just go with it.
If there's been a question on my mind since the announcement of "Piranha 3DD" it's how the hell were they going to bring back Ving Rhames? Well today we've got a teaser for the flick and we find out. I don't want to spoil it but it's pretty awesome. There's also a ton of boobs. It's a good day.
You don't need to know what "Black Butterfly" is about. You just need to know that Nicolas Cage has signed on to the film and that it will be awesome. Alright fine! The movie's about a drunk author who takes in a hobo in the hopes of finding inspiration. Man I can't wait to see how they make this movie awesome because that story sounds terrible.
I'm no one to judge people for their turn-ons but I've always made it a point to ask someone before I go around licking their knees and face. But maybe things are done differently in Arizona. I don't know. I'm old fashioned.