1984

Horror Headlines: Monday, June 17th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Monday, Jun 18th 2012

Imagine Entertainment has their beady little eyes set on a new version of George Orwell’s "1984" and has already tapped Noah Oppenheim to pen the script. For those of you not familiar with the book it's kind of like that show "Big Brother" but with more torture and less HOH competitions.

"Monster Problems" sounds like a movie that should have an awesome theme song. Not many movies have theme songs anymore though huh? Oh man remember the 80's?! Well maybe it will have a theme song. And maybe a Shawn Levy will dance around in the video because he's just been added to the cast of the post-apocalyptic road trip love story film. I hope Kenny Loggins sings the song.

Edward James Olmos, more than any other person, made me want to learn math. I'm not going to explain why. You should already know. Well now he's going to make me want to.. I don't know, move to Mexico maybe? Because he's joined the cast of Robert Rodriguez's "Machete Kills". He makes me want to learn Spanish also. I feel like that would be useful.

I'm starting to think that "Mad Max: Fury Road" is actually happening because Rosie Huntington-Whiteley of prancing around in her underthings fame has just been added to the cast. In her own words she's playing one of "five women being taken from one place to another place". Sounds riveting. Put that crap on a poster man.

In Real People News:

A different Ohio man is in jail after he was caught having sex with a teddy bear in public... for the second time. Nice try Ohio, you had me for a second there.

An Ohio man is in jail after a judge tossed him in the slammer for showing up to court in saggy jeans. Ohio, every once in a while you get it right.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, March 22nd, 2011

Submitted by Joe on Thursday, Mar 22nd 2012

The problem with all this coffee I drink is that it makes me have to pee every ten minutes. I feel like I get up from my desk and go and by the time I get back I have to go again. I'm two days away from just wetting myself.

Kevin Williamson, the guy who penned the script for "Scream" catastrophes has just landed Maggie Grace, of "I don't understand why everyone thinks Maggie Grace is so hot" fame, for his new serial killer series. She'll play the lone survivor of the serial killer who's on the loose and being hunted by the FBI. "Lost". She was apparently on "Lost" at some point too. I never watched that show. I heard the ending was stupid. Good talk.

Rapper, producer and medical student Dr. Dre has decided to toss his hat into the horror ring with a new "best in the snow" chiller that's being cooked up for his Crucial Films production company. Vik Weet (don't know him) will pen the script and Daniel Schnider (not a clue) will co-producer with Dre.

George Orwell's classic novel "1984" is once again being prepped for a big screen adaptation. Word has it that Ron Howard and Brian Grazer are tag teaming the flick and currently looking to get it off the ground. No word on who will direct or write the script but this is one of the books I actually read in High School so I for one am excited.

One time when I was working really late my wife came into the city to pick me up, cause she's awesome and does nice things. We hit a bunch of traffic at the Holland tunnel and while we were sitting there I looked at the large SUV sitting next to us and there was Famke Janssen in the passenger seat. Apparently her and whoever was driving got sick of the traffic and decided they had the right to hop the curb and make a u-turn. I rolled down the window and yelled "Just because you're Famke doesn't mean the laws of the road don't apply to you!" She smiled at me and I will forever love her. On top of that she's also been cast in Eli Roth's new Netflix exclusive series "Hemlock Grove". Good story, huh?

In Real People News:

Police in NYC are looking for a 400 pound man who is suspected of groping an 11 year old girl in a Dunkin Donuts. I'm no Columbo but I'd bet money that fat SOB will return to the scene of the crime pretty soon for some more Boston Creme.

A strange unexplained outbreak in Uganda is turning the children into zombie like monsters. Seizures, violent behavior, personality changes, and a bunch of other wacky symptoms are said to associated with the illness which as of right now has no cure. I assume this guy has something to do with it.

Blood-Powered Batteries are Real, Scary

Submitted by mark on Monday, Apr 6th 2009

With the economy going down the tubes and no end in sight for ideological wars that will define this generation, at least we don't have to worry about cyborgs, right? Wrong! Recently, researches from the University of British Columbia in Vancouver revealed a tiny little battery that draws power from human blood, for use in medical devices and Jason Statham blockbusters: