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Horror Headlines: Monday, April 2nd, 2011

Welcome to April folks! I hope you're up on your shots because things are going to get super raw this month. Look, Russ! No tan lines.

Kenny Doughty has been added to the cast of Bong Joon-Ho's "Snow Piercer" and while I've never seen a movie he's been in he kind of looks like he's terminally ill so I'm going to hold back on the comments. The movie tells the tale of a group of people trapped on a train after the world has frozen over. I've talked about this a lot this morning. I still have no idea how trains work when the world is frozen.

Everything I know about Atilla the Hun I learned from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and even that I don't remember too well. I think I remember him messing up a sporting goods store or something. But Warner Bros. is going to fix that for me with a new film that will tell the full story of Mr. Hun. I wonder if they'll get to the part where he's taken to the future to help two kids get an A on their history final. I hope so.

Stick with me here, because I'm going to try to explain the new movie "Bloodloss". It's a found footage flick about a filmmaker who's investigation into his sister's disappearance leads him into the underworld culture of real life "vampires". Alright now that I write it down I guess it's not that confusing. it's also not that interesting. I'm sorry I ever brought it up.

David Slade, the guy who brought you "30 Days Of Night" has been tapped by the people behind the new "Hannibal" series to direct the show's pilot. the NBC show will follow the "Red Dragon" story line and tell the story of a budding romance between Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter. I think. I don't know, I've never read the book but I do love a good romance.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to rent the school's laptop you might want to think about getting a separate hard drive for your 350 sexual explicit pictures you're taking of yourself. The most shocking thing here is that apparently schools lend out laptops now. I hope they come with Oregon Trail installed.

Sometimes you just have to spit on an old person. But who the hell gets caught for doing it? This guy in Florida that's who. He lost his shiznit while behind the wheel and let a loogy fly on this old lady and now he's in jail. I assume there's a lot of spitting going on there too. That's an oral sex reference.

Horror Headlines: Thursday June 30th, 2011

Warner Bros. looking to be courting the ever so dreamy Johnny Depp to take the lead in the big screen adaptation of Glen Gold's book "Carter Beats the Devil". The story, which is a fictional biography about a magician who somehow gets involved with the death of President Warren G. Harding during his long career. I hope that magician had dreamy eyes in the book, cause there's no hiding those beautiful peepers of Depp's. Am I right? Am I? Let's move on.

Fresh out of jail writer Roger Avary has been hired to adapt William Faulkner's 1931 novel "Sanctuary" for the big screen. For those of you not familiar with the book I'll go ahead and say there's no way in hell my explanation would clear anything up so let's just say it's chock full of murder, pervs and violence. I think there might be some animal sex too. I'm not positive. Let's just say there is. Better safe than sorry.

Here's something I never thought I'd type. The trailer for the new MTV show looks pretty decent. I know it's like crazy upside down day. But "Death Valley" has some potential. It's a fake cops type show that follows a special until of the LAPD as they battle zombies, werewolves, vampires and god knows what else. Some decent talent in there also. I think I need to go lie down.

Yesterday we talked about some details about the new "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D" film and from the overflow of comments it looks like you were all pretty excited. So today I bring you a release day. Yes there's no new "Saw" this year so Texas 3D is picking up the torch and getting an October 5th release date in theaters. And yes I know I've called it "Leatherface 3D" also but you know what? So has every other site of the god damn internet so get off my back.

In Real People News: 

Expose yourself to an entire wedding from a 4th floor window once and that's just good plain fun but doing it multiple times, well that'll get you tossed in jail. Of course I assume people exposing themselves is common practice for a wedding in Pennsylvania. The Amish ya know... those sick SOBs.

Oh why can't every day be mother's day? Here's a story about a woman who along with a friend decided the best way to feed their meth habit was by pimping out her 3 year old son. Then again I assume pimping out your child to feed your meth habit is common practice in Oklahoma. Sooners ya know... those sick SOBs.

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