kevin smith

Horror Headlines: Monday January 27th, 2014

I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been two months since I wrote the news last. I am going to pretend that you've been very upset about it though and sent me dozens upon dozens of emails asking me why I've abandoned you. I am however going to pretend that there's some kid sitting in his bedroom right now reading this, crying his eyes out because the head cheerleader doesn't even know he exists, thinking that maybe things will be OK after all because Joe is writing the news again.

I love TV shows with a solid will they/won't they theme, even when it's based around a mother and son relationship like "Bates Motel". What can I say I'm a sucker for love. So I'm giddy with delight to find new info on the second season of the show which hits A&E on March 3rd. I mean as giddy as you can get when you realize the plot for season two is really just a continuation of season one, Norman continues to lose his crap, his mother tries to cover up some murder type things, a cop starts to catch on and blah blah blah the brother sells drugs or something. You've missed this kind of hot late breaking news haven't you?

I could have sworn Kevin Smith retired 12 years ago but he keeps putting crap out so I'm assuming it's like a Jay-Z type retirement where you announce it to get some attention and then just keep on doing the same crap you've always done. Case in point. "Comes the Krampus!", a new holiday anthology flick he just finished the screenplay for that focuses on everyone's favorite Scandinavian Christmas time monster that eats kids instead of bringing them presents. No real word on next steps for the project but it's planned for a holiday release sometime in the next 10 years.

"Terminator: Genesis", the upcoming "The Terminator" reboot, has apparently lost itself a financial backer. Megan Ellison and her Annapurna Pictures has apparently decided to back out of the project leaving Skydance Productions, which happens to be her brother's production company, to cover the tab. So this really means nothing at all to you and I. The movie is still being made, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still coming back and we're still over a year away from its release. Seriously, how did you survive without this kind of daily coverage to fill your life for the past two months?

ABC has green lit the pilot for "The Visitors", a new series based on a Ray Bradbury short story titled "Zero Hour". In the story the fine people of earth try to fend off an alien attack where the little green men use our own children against us. Seems completely plausible. The other day my 2 year old hit me in the crotch with a Doc McStuffins doll so hard I blacked out for 15 seconds. I can only assume she was being controlled by aliens.

In Real People News: 

How many times have we heard this story my friends? A woman accused another woman of hitting her with a hog stomach and someone ends up getting stabbed in the beck with a pair of scissors. Once, I can really only thing of one time I've heard this story. That one time is just a few seconds ago to be clear.

Let this be a lesson to all the young men out there. When making love to your best gal on the school bus, if she happens to queef during said love making on the school bus do not laugh at her. Because she will elbow you in the balls and you will get in trouble and you will end up on the news. This has been your daily romance advice from Joe. On a side note spell check has no idea what a "queef" is.

Episode 179 - "Red State"

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A review of Kevin Smith's latest film... and John Goodman's neck-fat.

Purchase this Back Episode $0.99

"Red State" Comes to Video On Demand!

Kevin Smith's controversial horror film "Red State" has certainly had an unconventional release so far and the plans for further release are no different. The movie is currently on tour with Kevin Smith presenting the movie at theaters and holding a Q & A session after each screening and will officially open for a theatrical release the week of September 23, 2011. Less than a month later, on October 18, Lionsgate will be bringing the movie to Blu-ray and DVD chock full of special features. In the meantime, we can see it earlier courtesy of Video On Demand beginning September 1.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday June 29th, 2011

Some details around the upcoming "Leatherface 3D" film have been released and it sounds like some big changes are on the way. First, the film will take place in present day Texas and secondly it sounds like Leatherface gets offed right at the beginning of the film... sort of. I mean the name of the movie is "Leatherface 3D" so he's got to be in it, right? They wouldn't do that would they? Oh god I'm so afraid.

Nick Searcy, who you might remember as "Uncredited" in the film "Eagle Eye" has signed on to star in the upcoming big screen adaptation of "Metamorphosis", a book by Franz Kafka. For those of you who didn't have to read this in High School, the book is about a young boy who finds himself transforming into a cockroach. Now that I describe this I realize it's kind of weird that I had to read this in High School. Am I the only who who had to stay after school for private lessons from a teacher who refused to wear pants? He said it was normal.

For those of you who didn't get a chance to fork over 80 bucks to see Kevin Smith's "Red State" I'm happy to report the movie will hit VOD, and I assume every torrent site, on September 5th of this year. Along with that the movie will get a limited release in October. Some showings will reportedly feature live streaming Q&A sessions which I'm guessing will actually just be about 5 minutes of Kevin Smith rambling about how "indie" he is followed by 30 minutes of him shoveling pizza down his fat gullet.

Thomas Jane, the poor man's Lorenzo Lamas, has signed on to play a role in a new werewolf movie set in the 1700's titled "The Lycan". Not many details other than that have been released and no word as of yet if Jane will actually get to become a werewolf soooo... How's things with you? Any big vacations plans for the summer?

In Real People News: 

A Florida man is facing animal cruelty charges after he was caught making sweet sweet love to the family dog. Who caught him going to sexy town with Fido you might ask? Why his grandson of course! It's really the only way this story could be any more wrong, isn't it.

And here's a story about a woman who sprayed police with breast milk after they tried to break up a domestic dispute going on at her house. And I thought there was no way today could get any sexier.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 26th, 2011

Two new posters have hit the tubes for Kevin Smith's "Red State" and they're super trippy. One shows a some crazy ass redneck holding a shotgun and the other one shows Smith just after he ousted that fat kid on the internet as world record pizza roll eater. Oh I kid, it's an upside down church, which I assume has some sort of deep meaning. But serious, I bet Smith could school that kid at pizza roll eating.

It's got to be depressing for Joel Schumacher to still be referred to as "the guy who directed 'The Lost Boys" so I'd like to break the trend here. The "DC Cab" director, see what I did there, is set to take on "The Hive" which focuses on a 911 operator who has to take on a killer from her past in order to save the life of a little girl... he also directed "Batman & Robin" and that movie was unwatchable. FYI.

Looking to break away from his father's shadow Jack Osbourne is looking to create a horror film based on the songs of Black Sabbath, the band which was front by his famous father Ozzy. It's a sarcastic riddle, stick with me here. According to the loose details the movies will only feature the band's music and feature themes inspired by the songs, no actual band members will appear in the film. I assume it'll star his sister Kelly though, it would be insane not to highlight that talent.

Good news for fans of soft corn porn, production on "Piranha 3DD" has officially begun. Along with that a whole gang of cast members have been confirmed for the flick that takes the man eating fish to a water park. Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Chris Zylka, David Koechner, Meagan Tandy, Paul James Jordan, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Hector Jimenez, Adrian Martinez, and Clu Gulager are all on board and while I don't recognize a single name there I'd bet money at least three of them have been a part of a filmed threeway.

In Real People News: 

I'm not say I want to be murdered but if my crazy stalker fan is out there who plans on kidnapping, torturing and then dumping me someplace please make sure it isn't a pile of manure. Because the worst thing about these two bodies found in Indiana is that they were in a pile of horse crap. Well worst thing next to the whole being murdered thing.

And here's a story about a crazy man in California who was arrested in the trailer court he lived in because he was walking around in a Raiders jersey, g-string and a scrunchy wrapped around his manhood while talking to himself. Crazy, right? Who the hell likes the Raiders anymore? Did he think they were filming a new Dr. Dre video or something?

Snapshot: "Red State" (2011)

Kevin Smith is making a horror movie and I must admit, I'm pretty excited about it. The movie takes place in the Middle America and deals with a group of teens and their encounter with a preacher who practices extreme fundamentalism. Michael Parks plays Pastor Abin Cooper, whose character is loosely based on the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday March 8th, 2011

There are few things in the world that pain me more than to say the new trailer for Kevin Smith's "Red State" looks really good. I had to go to Smith's twitter account and read him talking about how much he loves being "indie" and eating ham sandwiches just to get back into the right state of mind.

As a youngin there's few movies I loved more then the original "The Amityville Horror". Mostly because it was suppose to be based on a true story and anytime a kid hears that a house bleeds they get excited. Well now there's a new documentary titled "My Amityville Horror" that focuses on the real life events that inspired the original book and movie, from the perspective of the Lutz's children. Tickle me excited.

Hoarders are so hot right now so it stands to reason that Tom Petty's daughter would make a horror movie about them. There's a sentence I never thought I'd write. The film being directed by Adria Petty is called "Suffocate" and focuses on a group of city workers who enter the house of a hoarder to find it full of booby traps and copies of "Full Moon Fever". The second part might be a lie but I'd be willing to be a good hoarder has at least one or two copies floating around.

In a recent interview Aaron Eckhart stated that "Battle: Los Angeles" is "the most badass f***ing alien movie you’ve ever seen in your life." I see no way that this kind of thing could ever come back to bite him in the ass. From the trailers alone I can say this movie is going to be 10 times more "badass" thsn films like "Alien" and "Predator". Put it in the books people!

In Real People News: 

A 46 year old women in Naples Florida was taken into custody this past Saturday after she was throwing rocks at people and removing her teeth so she could throw them into the water. Oh, she was naked too... But you could've probably guessed that. Doing that kind of thing fully clothed would have just been weird.

What we do when we're drunk is really only limited by our imagination. Me, I usually go for White Castle and play video games. Others, like this guy in Virgina have access to a fire truck so he took the bull by the horns and had a joy ride with the giant truck at 2 am. My guess is this happens a lot in areas where there's no White Castles.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 9th, 2011

Despite my undying hatred for Kevin Smith, "Red State" actually looks pretty good, and it kills me to say that. Well to keep the ball rolling Mrs. Smith (see what I did there) released a new clip to the fine people at MTV. Because if you want to stay indie, you go to the channel that brought you "The Grind".

Rosamund Pike, who has a stupid name but was apparently in "Doom" so I like her, has been added to the cast of the "Clash of the Titans" sequel currently titled "Wrath of the Titans". The movie will be bad but it's got the girl with the stupid name who was in "Doom" so maybe it'll make me think of The Rock, the wrestler not the movie, and it'll make me happy and I'll like it. That's logic people, logic all over your face.

Victor Salva is the guy responsible for ruining my senior year by making the movie "Powder", bald pale white guys aren't all freaks, people! Now he's got a new movie titled "Rosewood Lane" that has just cast Rose McGowen. If this one turns out to be about a guy with a mild drinking problem and horrible grammar who sits on NJ transit for 2 hours a day I'm going to think Victor has it out for me.

Suck on that "Snakes on a Plane"! David R. Ellis has topped you for best movie name ever. He wants to release his new film under the title "Untitled 3D Shark Thriller". Try to guess what the movie is about and what dimension it'll be shown is. I bet you guess right. If you didn't you might want to get that looked at.

In Real People News: 

Kids, they do the darnedest things. Like these three students in Ohio that set a kid's hair on fire while riding the bus home from school. At least I think it was on the way home, that's an awful way to start the day. It's not really a great way to end it either but ya know.

Sometimes the urge calls and there's no stopping it. A Florida teen was arrested for breaking into a business recently because he stopped to look at porn on a company computer. It's his own fault though, apparently he was just pulling his pants up when the police got there. I'm guess it took them at least 15 minutes to get the call and get there. This guy is doing something wrong.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday February 1st, 2011

Sir Kevin Smith plans on trimming about 10 minutes of film from "Red State" before he hits the road on March 5th to screen the film to select audiences. With ticket prices for the screenings running anything from $50 to $125 I'm going to go ahead and say I don't give a crap how bad the movie is you leave in every freakin second of it before it turns out people are paying 100 bucks for a crappy 12 minute opus.

Wait a second isn't there already a remake of "Mother's Day" coming out"? What the hell is "Father's Day"? Where did this teaser come from? Who are these people? What are you doing Troma? Father get raped in this movie? What the hell is going on!? Where am I?

Good news everyone in Chicago, "Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong" will premier there on 4/20 (get it!?) and will feature "Sniff-O-Rama". What that pretty much means is the good people from Full Moon will give out a bunch of scratch-n-sniff cards when you go to see the movie and you can pretend like you're in the movie. I'm just guessing here but I'm thinking 95% of the cards will smell like weed.

What's got two thumbs and is only 85% sarcastic about being excited for "The Roommate" this Friday? This guy! Try not being fired up after checking out the 3 news clips from the movie that have hit the tubes. Just try you monsters!

In Real People News: 

I've always been grossed out by free samples at grocery stores and here's proof I'm not crazy. A women in New Mexico claims she was given semen instead of the yogurt sample she expected recently at her local market. Apparently she recognized the taste immediately and spit the sample out. There's just too many jokes to be made here that I can't possibly choose one.

And here's a women from Florida who thought she was buying a novelty lighter that turned out to in fact be a real grenade. I had the same thing happen to me in high school when I went to light my smokes and ended up shooting three of the neighbors dogs.

Horror Headlines: Thursday December 30th, 2010

Even though "Death Race 2" hasn't hit shelves yet the good people at Universal are already planning a third installment to the series. I like this kind of confidence in a film. If only more people had the cahones like these guys and the people making all the "Lake Placid" movies then maybe the world wouldn't be in such bad shape right now.

The fellas that brought you "Open Water" will premiere their new film "Silent House" at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival. The flick is based on a Uruguayan movie and is described as a "descent into madness". In other news I have no idea where Uruguay is and was clueless to the fact that they have electricity there let alone film equipment.

Dear lord I don't want to make thise joke because I assume every other site is doing it but it's just to damn easy. Vincent Pastore of "The Sopranos" and Jasmin St. Claire of a gazillion porn movies plan on staring in a new zombie flick titled "Blood Lodge". You see it's funny because he played Big Pussy and she... well, ya know. Teehee!

Kevin Smith has decided he will only do Podcast and Radio interviews for his upcoming film "Red State" because he can do those from home and he's gotten way to big to travel to any TV studios. And when I say big I mean fat. And yes I am BSing about the second part. So please Kevin Smith, don't deny your fans the chance to gaze upon your giant head and chicken wing sauce stained beard. Don't be so cruel.

In Real People News: 

A man in South Carolina was taken to the hospital after being hit by an SUV while playing a real life game of Frogger. The good news is he still has two lives left so everything should be cool.

And here's a man in Oklahoma City who's being arrested for murder after he shot his wife. Why did he do it? Well apparently the Mrs. and him liked to role play with the gun while doing the nasty. I'm not sure if the gun being loaded was part of the fun but I'm guessing it probably shouldn't have been.

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