hobo with a shotgun

Horror Headlines: Wednesday April 27th, 2011

I am not the least bit ashamed to admit that fluids shot out of every hole in my body when I read the news that Arnold Schwarzenegger has officially signed on to do a new "Terminator" movie. No screenwriter or director has been confirmed but Justin Lin has been rumored to be taking the camera for the flick. Oh mother of god the fluids!

2011 has already been a stellar year for the homeless and now everyone's favorite movie "Hobo With a Shotgun" is coming home to DVD and Blu-Ray. July 5th will be the date you can get your grubby little fingerless gloved mits on the 2 disc DVD or Blu-Ray that features all kinds of interviews, commentaries and other filthy treasures. Catch the hobo fever!

We're going 3 for 3 in the awesome news department kids because Steve Austin and Danny Trejo have both signed on to battle in "Recoil". Austin will play former cop who goes on a rampage after his family is murdered by a group of criminals. Trejo will of course play one of the criminals, because stereotypes are there for a reason and that reason is to help casting in films move along quickly.

Well they can't all be zingers my friends. Chris Landon is once again confirmed to be partnering up with Michael Perry to write "Paranormal Activity 3" after there were rumors that he had dropped out of the project. The duo wrote the previous film in the series and while they haven't promised it, I'm hoping will once again cast a rampaging pool cleaner. Keep your fingers crossed.

In Real People News: 

A 29 year old Roseville man is being charged with murder after he went nuts and started driving on a Minneapolis sidewalk, killing 1 and injuring 2. The incident apparently stems from an argument that started in a nearby bar and I assume had something to do with who is the better "Grand Theft Auto" player.

How the hell do you not think you're going to get caught urinating on cough drops at a Walgreens? There are practically video cameras everywhere these days and anywhere there isn't there's some prick taking video with his camera phone. You take cough drops into the men's room to piss on them! Everyone knows that's the only safe place.

Horror Headlines: Friday April 1st, 2011

A new red band trailer for "Hobo with a Shotgun" has hit the nets and it's everything you could want and more. And by more I mean there's a Santa who gets his head shot off. Unless that is something you want, in which case I suggest you seek help immediatly. It's Santa you sicko.

A new trailer for "Insidious" chock full of random quotes from websites I've never heard of has found it's way online and the obvious question is why I haven't been contacted for a quote. I know the movie comes out today but it can't be too late to get in on this. Here goes, "Insidious" is the most frightening movie to ever be invented and will make you soil yourself in the best way possible! I'm a whore.

The MPAA has emerged from their castle high atop the mountain of doom and bestowed a PG-13 rating on the upcoming vampire hunter flick "Priest". I think you can say the F word once with that rating right? Oh man I hope they do it during some awesome fight scene or something. Like Priest kills a bunch of vampires and then looks at the screen and goes "Fuck yeah folks!". So awesome.

Well that's a bummer. David Ellis calling his next project "Untitled Shark Thriller 3D" was apparently all a big joke! The movie will in fact be titled the much more boring "Shark Night 3D". You think I like to be made a fool of, David? It's going to take a lot for me to get over this betrayal.

In Real People News: 

Thank sweet baby Jesus. The missing cobra from the Bronx zoo which has had me locked up in my apartment for days now has finally been found. Where was it? In the snake house of course! Was it me who said that thing should have been burned to the ground days ago? I think it was! Sucks being right all the time. Snakes are useless.

I was pretty stupid when I was 7 but even then there is no way I would have allowed some kid at school to give me a fake flu shot with a syringe he found on the way to school. Apparently I'm not as hardcore as these kids in Massachusetts though.

Horror Headlines: Friday March 11th, 2011

All the world has Hobo fever! It's catching on and all the teens are hanging up pictures of homeless people on their walls. So it stands to reason that there would be a "Hobo with a Shotgun" game. More importantly an 8-bit game for your playing pleasure. Because hobos get people in the mood for love making. That in no way fits with what we're talking about.

If you're excited about the "Robocop" remake than there is a 95% chance your name is Joshua Zetumer. How do I know this? Well Joshua Zetumer has been tapped to write the script for the soon to be hated film and from what I can tell this is the first thing he's written. Sounds like this is going to work out swimmingly!

If you're excited for "Insidious" then your name is probably Joshua Zetumer! No idea why, I just assume the guy likes horror movies. Anyway here's a gang load of new clips from the soon to be released film. I hope you enjoy them, Josh. I hope you don't mind me calling you Josh. I feel like we're that close now.

Did you see "Fido"? Me too! Wow we have so much in common. Did you love it? You did!? Alright maybe we don't have that much in common. Anyway the director of said film, Andrew Currie, has been hired by the good people at WWE to direct their new supernatural thriller currently titled "Barricade" which focuses on... honestly I already told you the WWE is making this and if you're really interested in the plot than you've got a lot more problems than I can fix with my sarcastic comments.

In Real People News: 

If you're like me and haven't worked an honest day in your life then there isn't much you can do at a Home Depot. At least that's what I thought until I read this article about this Florida man who's been arrested for wandering the store and taking upskirt videos of women. Alright honestly I feel like he probably could've done this at a Target also and most of those have an ICEE machine so there really is no reason for Home Depot to exist.

Having your wife beat the crap out of you is embarrassing. Unless of course she does it with your fake leg, that's just sad. No punch line here, just sadness.

Hobo With a Shotgun (REVIEW)

Rutget Hauer is the Hobo, in Hobo With a Shotgun

Sitting down to watch something called "Hobo With a Shotgun," there can be little doubt about how things will unfold. Jason Eisner, director of a film that bears such a name, knows this as well. Much to his credit, Eisner seems to realize that he's as unlikely a feature filmmaker as has ever been, and so he plays his heart out to ensure that "Hobo" delivers on the promise such a concept contains.

Horror Headlines: Friday November 19th, 2010

Here's a new one sheet for "Hobo With a Shotgun" for your viewing pleasure. I've officially run out of clever things to say about the film so just make up your own and imagine me saying it. I better have my pants on in your imagination though, I'm not into the sick crap.

People all over the world are going gaga for the new "Cowboys & Aliens" trailer and if you're not crapping your pants already you will be soon. The film stars James Bond as a cowboy who fights aliens. I think that's accurate. I don't know, a bunch of crap blows up.

Mexican aliens are so hot right now! Well alright let me be clear, I mean the little green men from outer space type aliens not the guys running across the border. We're still split 50/50 on those. Anyway here's the trailer "Night Without Sky", a new Mexican Alien invasion flick. See how that tied in?

Those of you who are fans of Chiller TV, and who isn't, will be happy to know that the channel will be counting down the decades scariest movie moments. Are you pumped? No?! Well it's a slow day so you'll take what I give you.

In Real People News: 

A theater in Massachusetts accidentally showed "Saw 3D" instead of "Megamind" to a group of kids. The film was cut off rather quickly but not before the kids got an eyeful of some pretty fun killings. I'd guess there's a lot of people out there who had wished theaters had accidentally done the reverse when going to see "Saw 3D".

A man in Idaho has been jailed for impersonating a doctor at local bars. Namely a doctor who gives out free breast exams at bars. I don't know why anyone would trust a doctor who doesn't have a Female Body Inspector card though, come on people, think!

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 3rd, 2010

The team of Eli Roth and Eric Newman will once again team up for "Psycho Killer". The film that follows both a serial killer, a psycho and an officer will be written by Andrew Kevin Walker who brought us all "Seven". Not too shabby sounding huh? And I avoided the obvious Talking Heads reference.

And let the avalanche of crap begin. "FDR: American Badass" is a new film that will follow Franklin D. Roosevelt, written as a werewolf hunter who fights the hell spawn in his customized wheelchair. I assume there will be other president fighting evil films shortly after. I'd like to officially toss out "Martin Van Buren: Chupacabra Exterminator" as an idea.

If you love "Resident Evil" films but hate looking at Milla Jovovich's mom hips you're in luck. "Resident Evil: Damnation" is a full on CGI sequel to "Resident Evil: Degeneration" and it's got a super new trailer for you to view. Computers > People. That's math, you can look it up.

"Hobo With a Shotgun" is a movie, and now it's got a bunch of cool new posters, only two of which that actually feature a hobo with a shotgun. So that's a nice surprise. It's like Christmas if you lived in the worst trailer park ever imagined... and there isn't any cable so you had to watch old re-runs of "Monchichis"... like homeless people do.

In Real People News: 

Is this becoming a thing now? A 15-month-old baby girl survived a fall from a seventh-floor apartment in Paris yesterday. Way to go France, the Chinese did this a few days back but from 20 floors up. You can't do anything right.

Imagine how excited a Vermont man was when he opened the door to find a man dressed in a gorilla suit standing there. Now imagine how disappointed her was when that gorilla then took out a sharp object and stabbed the man. Gorillas, nature's assholes.

On this day in history: 

1982 – The Salang tunnel fire in Afghanistan kills up to 2,000 people.

Trailer: Unrated "Hobo With a Shotgun" Teaser

With "Machete" finally seeing a release today and all the Grindhouse mania swinging into high gear it's time to take a look at the next fake trailer to make its way into full feature length film land. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls I submit for your approval, "Hobo With a Shotgun".

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 27th, 2010

The 3-D craze has donned its leather jacket and pointed its motorcycle towards the ramp as Paramount Pictures has announced plans to make a new "Ring" movie, this time in 3-D. David Loucka has already been tapped to pen the script in what Paramount hopes is a reinvention of the franchise.

"Scream" scribe Kevin Williamson put to rest the rumors that Jamie Kennedy will be returning for "Scream IV". "We're not that universe where you can bring people back from the dead. That would be just a cheat." Good to see that there's still some integrity in Hollywood!

While not really news in and of its self, be sure to keep your eyes peeled for this sweet "Nightmare on Elm Street" popcorn bucket when you head out to catch the remake this weekend!

In a recent press junket for his latest feature "Robin Hood", director Ridley Scott let slip that the both of the upcoming "Alien" prequels will be released in 3D. If you're paying attention, you'll notice that I used the word 'both'. Scott also let it be known that he is planning on two prequels for the franchise.

"Machete" is no longer the only feature to spawn from the fake trailers shown in 2007's "Grindhouse". The next trailer to be stretched to full length will be "Hobo With a Shotgun" starring none other that Rutger Hauer.

In Real People News: 

Christina Cifaldi has a beef against Wal Mart's clothing lines as she has been arrested for $163 worth of clothes, taking them into the fitting room and urinating all over them. It was pretty easy for officials to deduce who the culprit was as Cifaldi had left her wallet and drivers license in the fitting room next to her stinky leavings.

A Brazilian woman decided to go for a drive after one too many drinks, and ended up causing the death of another woman and her unborn child. When the drunken 24 year old tried to leave the scene of the accident, a group of onlookers drug her from her car and shot her five times for her crime.

On this day in history: 

4977 BC - God creates the universe, according to calculations by mystic and part-time astronomer Johannes Kepler.

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