Opening this weekend is the bizarrely titled but conceptually interesting "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". His notoriety instantaneously makes the 16th President of the United States the most famous vampire slayer amongst his peers. Though it remains to be seen whether or not the film itself can live up to some of the other impressive slayers, killers and purifiers in the realm of cinema vampire lore. So in case Mr. Lincoln doesn't satisfy your bloodlust, here are 9 Essential Vampire Hunter Films.
I don't care how many love children Arnold Schwarzenegger has had, I want to see him in "Terminator 5". Burn an American flag while your soon to be ex-wife cries in the corner for all I care. But now it looks like Arnold is putting his comeback on hold because of his recent troubles with putting his bim bam inside the maids poom poom and we'll all have to wait to see him return as the great robot one. Be straight with me, "Last Action Hero 2" is never going to happen, is it!
The Israeli slasher flick "Rabies" is all the rage with the kids and now that it's been picked up for US distribution there's a new English version poster out on the town for viewing. Of course I have no idea what makes it an English version. There's no copy other than "Rabies" on it. Is that super English? Anyway the film is about a psycho who's loose in the woods and encounters a group of teenagers. In English!
The Jim Mickle directed vampire hunter apocalypse flick "Stake Land" has finally received a release date and the even better news is I'm going to tell you it. Get ready. Are you ready? It'll hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 2nd! Kind of anticlimactic isn't it.
TV horror shows don't usually end up working out too well, I'm still waiting to find out who the killer was in "Happy Town", but god bless those nutty TV people because they keep trying. "The River" from Paranormal Activity creator Oren Peli has just picked up by ABC and now has a full trailer. The series will follow a family who goes into the Amazon to find their missing loved one who also happens to be a popular animal show host. If I was a betting man I'd put my money on the show being canceled before we find out what happened to him.
A Wisconsin man recently ate his 25,000th Big Mac after enjoying the delicious treat for close to 40 years, smashing a record that never existed to begin with. I congratulate the man for this feat but lets make one thing clear, if I had been keeping count I am 99% sure I passed 30K years ago.
Jim Mickle's "Stake Land" will finally find it's way to VOD on April 22nd after a solid run on the convention circuit. The film is the follow up to Mickle's much adored "Mulberry Street" and has nothing to do with porter houses and a lot to do with vampires running around after the Apocalypse. Kind of wish there was some actual steak involved here.
For being so friendly the Swedes sure are a sick bunch of M'Fers. Proven completely by the new trailer for "Marianne" which has hit the tubes. The film tells the story of a father who's trying to cope with the loss of his wife, a couple daughters who hate him and the spooking happenings going on in his house. It's a real feel good hit.
It looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger might be making his way back to Terminator land sometime soon or at least that's the hope. Seems Arnold is back in the ring for acting and Chris Morgan wants to kick the series back into gear so all signs are pointing to him... being back. Get it? Like "I'll be back"? That's what he said in the movies. It's funny. "It's not a tumor!"
Looks like Intrepid Pictures, who helped bring "The Strangers" and "Doomsday" to the world are lining up "Skeleton Creek" as their next flick. The movie is apparently a teen romp based on some books that I've never heard of but I guess the kids are gaga for them. It's a group of kids who come across a ghost while exploring an abandon gold mine. I'm pretty sure this was the basis of every live action Disney movie in the 70's. I hope Don Knotts is in this one.
In Real People News:
All babies are adorable. That's something you say before you learn about Le Yati Min, and discover that she has 12 fingers and 14 toes. No amount of cute can make you ignore that but her parents still insist on getting her into the Guinness Book of World Records. I assume for the extra digits thing, not for being the creepiest girl in the world. That would just be mean.
Speaking of records, here is one that you should actually find impressive. A Florida man is now in more trouble than he originally thought after smuggling 33 items into prison. How did he get all of them in? He shoved up his anus of course. It's like the old question people always ask. If you were going to be stranded on a desert island and could only bring 33 items shoved up your ass what would they be? What would they be!?
Thanks God this Halloween crap is over. Why don't horror fans get as excited about Thanksgiving? I'll take turkey and potatoes any day over bullshit candy. Grow up, people. Put on some khakis, that sweater your grandma made you and give thanks that we live in a country that allows a pathetic, 30-year-old man the right to spend $300 at a Halloween store for a crappy Freddy outfit that they are way too fat to wear. Amen. Pass the stuffing.
Zombieland? No, STAKE LAND, you dumb bitch! With the exception of the stupid tagline-- “A road movie...with teeth!” -- I think this might be cool. But, seriously, what is the deal with vampire film promotions and the use of the cliches “...with teeth!” or “...with bite!” Do you think that, the PR people, when sitting around in their offices, shooting wads of paper into a waste-basket with a basketball hoop over it, stumbling over one tagline after another that doesn't work, when they hit upon the “teeth” thing they high-five each other and snort coke off each other's balls in a celebratory circle-jerk because they think that they are the first ones to come up with it? They probably do.
Amy Heckerling, the has-been director of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, “Clueless” and some other shit, has signed on to direct the vampire romantic comedy “Vamps”, about “two young female vampires living the good life in New York until love enters the picture and each has to make a choice that will jeopardize their immort....”, oh shit, sorry, I just got my period all over the place. And on the day I chose to wear white pants!
Notorious schillers Bloody Disgusting have proclaimed that no-hit wonder Richard Kelly's “The Box” is “sure to deliver in more ways than one”. I learned this after trying to figure out how to close the annoying, full-screen roll-over ad for the damn movie, with absolutely no success. I ended up just opening another window to look at another site as the trailer continued to screen without any hope of skipping it. I think that, right now, we should all get on our knees and thank Eric and Mark for creating a website with no roll-over ads, pop-up ads or reviews based on how much the advertisers pay us. On the other hand, DRINK PEPSI, THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION!
In Real People News:
A Denver Blockbuster video employee stabbed himself in the leg to get out of work because he was afraid of getting written up for his torn work-pants. Whatever happened to faking diarrhea? Hell, I almost faked diarrhea just to get out of writing today's news!
Have you ever wanted to die, just to see how people at your funeral would react? A Brazilian bricklayer, thought to have been killed an a car-crash days earlier, showed up at his own funeral. According to witnesses, a loud “DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!” played on the soundtrack while an aged dowager proclaimed “Gasp and swoon, I've got the vapors!” while passing out in the most dramatic way possible.
A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is in deep diarrhea after donning black-face to complete a Li'l Wayne costume. When are white people gonna learn that there's no place for black-face in today's culture, especially when entertainers like Li'l Wayne do a good enough job of putting it on themselves?
On this day in history:
In 1918, The Second Polish Republic is proclaimed in Poland. The celebration was put on hold though as the country's citizens were unable to get out from inside their locked cars. Don't get me started on the screen-door submarine fleet! POLISH!