tim burton

Horror Headlines: Tuesday September 25th, 2012

Hey folks, it's your Editor-in-Chief Eric back on the newsdesk. Have you checked out all our awesome NEW podcasts yet?. You definitely should, and don't forget to enter our contest for this amazing Michael Myers mask. It's only live until Friday night at 11:59pm, EST. Now, on with the news...

Len Wiseman has signed on to direct a remake of "The Mummy". Not the real one, the shitty Brendan Frasier one. I'd like to just cut to the chase and see the movie where him and Paul W.S. Anderson team up to make a movie entirely about their wives running in slow motion. Just think of the possibilities.

Winona Ryder was asked this past weekend at Fantastic Fest whether or not she was excited about the idea of possibly being in "Bettlejuice 2", and her response was to sarcastically roll her eyes and say "ya, that would be great..." See, she's in character already! Ya, this is going to go well.

Check out the alternate ending to "The Thing" remake. All this reminds me of is that "The Thing" remake was so forgettable, I couldn't even tell you what happened in the original ending. So, success?

A Vatican newspaper has slammed the Italian release of Ridley Scott's "Prometheus" because it "mishandles the delicate questions raised by... the battle eternal between good and evil in yet another attempt to steak the secret of immortality". So, for the record, the people ruled by a pedophile protector in a funny hat who believe a guy lives in the sky constantly judging you... they think "Promtheus" gets God all wrong. Noted.

In Real People News: 

I'm pretty sure they forgive you for anything if your wife is in labor and you're trying to get to the hospital. Okay maybe not hi-jacking a car and leading police on a dangerous high speed pursuit... but then again this is Florida, it's a lawless swamp down there.

And here's an an 80 year old woman doing a keg-stand. Joe just fell in love...

Trailers: Check out Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows"!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get your hate machine's running! It's time to comment on the trailer for Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows"!

It's creepy and it's kooky, and all together spooky, it's A..."Dark Shadows" movie. Not what I was expecting from the project at all. But I must admit; I kind of like this trailer. It could be entertaining, but if Tim Burton thinks this is the essence of the original show... he's high.

Oh yah, I'm biased; I love me some Helena Bonham Carter and I think she looks great in orange. I'm just going to get that out of the way here and now.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

I know you're all wondering so here's the breakdown of my showering activities. Shampoo, soap, rinse. Interesting huh? The problem is when I shave, which is only about once every two weeks because I'm a lazy prick, I tack on that at the end. What I should really do is Shampoo, rinse, shave and rinse again. Why you ask? Well because since I only shave once in a blue moon my facial hair has a tendency to get a little bit on the longer side and when I shave and hop right out of the shower I don't get all the little whisker bits completely off my amazing body.

Chris Stokes directed "You Got Served" and "House Party 4" so it should come as no surprise that his new film "The Helpers" is a hand held torture flick about seven friends who are being held hostage and brutally killed off one by one on camera. Wait no that doesn't make any sense at all. Take a look at the trailer. There's not one sign of anyone getting served. Unless you consider getting ripped in half "served". I think that's what they call it in Connecticut now that I think of it.

I had no idea Tim Burton was working on a stop motion animation flick titled "Frankenweenie". Mostly because I thought he made that 30 years ago in his basement but what the hell do I know. But here's a new still from the flick which looks to be a little more on the kid-friendly side. Sure the dog is dead but that doesn't make him any less adorable.

For those of you who didn't watch The Golden Globes this past weekend not only did you miss some of this season's hottest fashions but you also missed Jessica Lange taking home the gold for Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for her role on "American Horror Story". This is very exciting for horror fans because ya know... it's cool to see horror shows and movies win awards. Because then we can all go online and complain about how it's not horror and how the shows sucks and stuff. Should fill up most of today at the very least.

This shouldn't come as any surprise to people but "The Devil Inside" took a big old nose dive this past weekend, bringing in only about $8,020,000 at the box office. For those of you keeping score at home that's less than half of what it pulled in during it's Friday night midnight showings during it's opening weekend. I don't want to credit anyone for this turn but I did tweet that I was disappointed in the flick so at least 13 people would have been swayed by my opinion. Sorry Hollywood.

In Real People News: 

If there's one thing I've learned from taking numerous trips to Virginia to visit family it's don't ever mess with the kids there. They have no sense of humor whatsoever. You especially don't mess with their juice boxes or you'll get stabbed. I have proof.

The story isn't so much interesting because an Ohio man was arrested for having child pornography on his computer. I assume that happens in Ohio almost every 8 hours. It's the fact that he's wearing an "Internet was down so I thought I'd go outside" t-shirt in his mug shot. Hey I get it!

Horror Headlines: Thursday November 3rd, 2011

I'm not sure a logo is actually news but here's the new one for the "Evil Dead" reboot that will at least give people a chance to bitch about there being a reboot. The flick won't hit theaters till sometime in 2013 and if you're not in the know like I am the big twist on this update is that Ash, or whatever they're going to call him, is taking his sister to a cabin in the woods to help her kick her drug habit. That's going to make all the makeout scenes a lot weirder I bet.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. "True Blood" is the worst thing to ever happen to TV. Yeah yeah I know you think Snookie or whatever the hell her name is is hot but that doesn't change anything. So why do I still report on it you might ask? Well who the hell are you to question my selection of news items? Go to hell! Lucy Griffiths is joining the cast next year. She's British and will play Eric Northman's sister. Is that alright with you!?

Mr. Robert Englund has been confirmed for Syfy's next installment in the "Lake Placid" series currently titled "Lake Placid: The Final Chapter". If you couldn't have guessed by the title the good people at Syfy are saying this will be the last installment in the giant crock attack series. I assume there will be some sort of parade in Hollywood to celebrate all of this magic. Maybe a national day of mourning.

In other casting news, it looks like the walking corpse that is Alice Cooper has been cast in Tim Burton's big screen adaptation of the "Dark Shadows". Cooper will play himself in the flick which takes place in 1972. And I can't think of another good "he's really old" joke so just make up your own here.

In Real People News: 

I don't even know how you handle something like this. Georgia cops rolled up to an odd scene Tuesday when they found a couple wandering around the road naked looking for their dachshund that they gave a gummy worm covered with LSD. Don't worry the LSD didn't kill the dog! A speeding car did.

Time and time again I've posted odd news on here of people doing things I don't condone, but I understand. So here's a story about a man who broke into two apartments, assaulted a man and stabbed another while trying to find some beer.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Ever see that show on MTV "My Super Sweet 16"? Well if you have then you've probably also had the urge to get in your car, dive to these spoiled pricks home and end them. Well got bless Bobcat Goldthwait because he made a movie called "God Bless America" with just such a plot. What's better is said film has been picked up by Magnolia pictures and will be finding it's way to VOD in the near future. Yes, I watch a lot of crap on cable.

Rodrigo Cortés made everyone giddy last year when he put Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes and just let him talk. Well his follow up to that is "Red Lights" staring Robert De Niro as a famous psychic who returns to the spotlight after 30 years of being off the radar. Then he gets put in a box for an hour and we just bask in all his glory. Probably not. Check out the new trailer and see if I'm a giant liar. I love you.

If you were a big fan of the vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows" as a kid then I'm willing to bet you spent a lot of time along in your room talking to your privates. But now Tim Burton is making a movie about the tv show and it stars Johnny Depp so people will love it and you and your genitals can go out into the world with pride. Here, look at these new photos from the set. Everyone looks so pale. Pasty is going to be the new tan. I'm going to be famous!

In Real People News: 

Here's a fun story about a father who faces charges after he kicked his son in the stomach because he was making spelling mistakes at school. Awful yes, but I'm a terrible speller, always have been. If I thought there was a swift kick to the stomach waiting for me when I brought home a D on my spelling test I probably would have tried harder.

And here's a story about a man who was decapitated by a train at Penn Station in NYC this past weekend. Which is weird because I have heard nothing about this on the news. I have however been fully briefed on what's going on with fashion week.

Horror Headlines: Monday April 18th, 2011

If you haven't seen "A Serbian Film" well then consider yourself lucky. I'm not going to say why, but there are some things that no amount of soup in the eyes will wash away. I still wake up crying in the middle of the night sometimes. But good news for deviants and future sex offenders out there, it's getting a US release in selected theaters on May 17th in both it's R and NC-17 forms. In honor of this event a new red-band trailer and website have lunched for the movie. Both of which I refuse to view. You've been warned.

Chloe Moretz, who I've dubbed this generation's Macaulay Culkin, minus the coke habit and schizophrenia, has officially been added to the cast of the upcoming Tim Burton big screen adaptation of the vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows". The cast already includes the likes of Johnny Depp, Jackie Earle Haley, Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham Carter. Just to be clear I have no idea if Culkin is a coke head or a schizophrenic but it would be awesome if he was.

I'm going to make a prediction here folks and if I'm wrong I will personally come to each and every one of your houses and open mouth kiss you as an apology. Here it is. "Shark Night 3D" will be the single greatest movie to ever appear on the silver screen. Put it in the books! If you doubt me then just take a gander at the new photo that's hit the tubes of the film. It's got a shark! What more do you need?! I think I've made my point.

Would you like to know what the second greatest movie of all time will be? So would I! But while we try to figure that out here's the trailer for "The Toolbox Murders 2" which I honestly think in no way ties to the first one. Of course I didn't see it. I saw the original one from 1978 though and there was a women in a bathtub getting dirty while listening to weird country music. So... that's something, right?

In Real People News: 

I always wondered what happens when a mailman has to make a number two while he's out walking the route. Well it looks like I have my answer, they take a boom boom in your bushes. Or at least one mailman in Portland did and then got suspended. But still I assume this is what they all do, they just don't get caught.

A woman in Kansas faces charges of keeping a vicious animal after police found her 8 foot long albino python. How did they find it? Well when it freaked out and latched onto her neck she had to call the police for help. I wonder if they got the snake off before they cuffed her. I like to think they didn't.

Horror Headlines: Thursday February 3rd, 2011

Oh boy! Tim Burton's new "Dark Shadows" movie just got a whole lot sexier because Jackie Earle Haley has been added to the cast. Johnny Depp will star in the film but no one will be watching him with that hunky Jackie prancing around the screen with his creepy get in my van smile. Bella Heathcote has also been added to the cast and much to my surprise is not a porn star.

Booo Paramount, boo! Apparently there's been a "Pet Cemetery" remake in the works for some time now but up until recently it wasn't getting much action. But now it looks like a script is almost done and a director search is moving forward. Matthew Greenberg, who wrote the script for King's "1408" as well is just about done with his new updated version of this sucker.

I don't know if this is suppose to be good news but Wes Craven says he isn't re-shooting scenes for "Scream 4" but actually adding pivotal scenes. So just to confirm, he watched his movie and didn't see scenes that he thought could be better or done different, no he saw scenes that were completely missing all together. I'm not good with math or words but honestly I think the re-shooting sounded better.

MTV has announced that their new series based on the 90's classic "Teen Wolf" will hit the air on June 5th. Based on everything I've heard about their latest show "Skins" I am fully expecting this one to feature full frontal nudity and partial if not full penetration. I'll consider anything less a complete failure.

In Real People News: 

Not going to lie, I don't see anything wrong with this one. A Minnesota man is being brought up on animal cruelty charges after he tried to mail a 4 month old puppy to Atlanta. Did he not poke holes in the box? Is that what he did wrong? Should he have put a bone in the box with the dog? Seriously, I'm drawing a blank here.

In what sounds like a Lifetime movie here's a story about a Nebraska women who beat the holy living hell out of a guy with a frying pan after he tried to sexually assault her. I would have gone with a Loony Tunes reference here but I don't recall those having many attempted rape scenes in them.

Netflix Streaming Friday - Week of January 7th, 2011

1996 was a big year in my life. First of all, I turned 10 years old. Secondly, "Mars Attacks!" came out in theaters. If you've seen "Mars Attacks!" I'm sure I don't need to tell you how unbelievably awesome this movie is. If you haven't seen it:

A) What's wrong with you, &
B) You need to see it immediately

Here's why:

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