pet sematary

Horror Icon Mini-Marathon: MARY LAMBERT

Though women are the primary on-screen stars of both the music video and horror film industries, it is a much different story behind the camera. Female directors are a much smaller percentage than should be represented by population or by talent. One woman filmmaker who was able to carve out a successful career in both was director Mary Lambert.

Horror Headlines: Friday November 2nd, 2012

Just because I've defected to the Midwest doesn't mean I'm any less heartbroken to see my beloved New Jersey and New York in it's current state. If you can please hop over to The American Red Cross and give what you can. If you do I promise not to ever post anything serious here again.

The good folks behind the new "Hitchcock" flick, about the relationship between the legendary director and his wife during the making of "Psycho", have launched a new site where you can insert yourself into the film's poster. The film doesn't hit theaters for another few weeks so hurry up and you might be able to convince your dumb cousin that you're actually in the movie.

"Castle Wolfenstein", the classic video game that spawned numerous sequels and was a leading cause in me not seeing sunlight as a child, is finally making it's way to the big screen. Roger Avary is already locked in to write and direct the film about a US army captain and a British special agent who battle the SS paranormal division in a plot to take down Hitler. Sounds like every kid's dream.

A new documentary about the making of 1989's classic horror film "Pet Sematary" is in the works. Currently titled "Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary" the doc will feature cast and crew interviews, visits to filming locations and a look at the film's reception. I swear to god I still have nightmares about Zelda. Did you even notice she kind of looks like Bethenny Frankel? I'm sorry that's awful.

If I were to give you 100 guesses as to the plot of the new film titled "Cold Patrol" I don't think you would come anywhere close. That's because it's about a team of military dog sledders who end up battling zombie polar bears. You read that right. Oh sure now you're saying you would have guessed that somewhere around 47 or so but that's bull crap. You've always been a filthy liar. Look for this one on DVD sometime in Spring of 2013.

In Real People News: 

Here's a video of what looks like a UFO flying into a volcano. Good news! We don't need to worry about the alien invasion because they're all idiots.

That classic Johnny Cash line "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die" isn't nearly as bad as when Cash is replaced with a 12 year old boy and the "man" is replaced with a dog. Oh and the kid didn't shoot his dog he hung it. Nothing bad ass about that at all.

Horror Headlines: Thursday February 3rd, 2011

Oh boy! Tim Burton's new "Dark Shadows" movie just got a whole lot sexier because Jackie Earle Haley has been added to the cast. Johnny Depp will star in the film but no one will be watching him with that hunky Jackie prancing around the screen with his creepy get in my van smile. Bella Heathcote has also been added to the cast and much to my surprise is not a porn star.

Booo Paramount, boo! Apparently there's been a "Pet Cemetery" remake in the works for some time now but up until recently it wasn't getting much action. But now it looks like a script is almost done and a director search is moving forward. Matthew Greenberg, who wrote the script for King's "1408" as well is just about done with his new updated version of this sucker.

I don't know if this is suppose to be good news but Wes Craven says he isn't re-shooting scenes for "Scream 4" but actually adding pivotal scenes. So just to confirm, he watched his movie and didn't see scenes that he thought could be better or done different, no he saw scenes that were completely missing all together. I'm not good with math or words but honestly I think the re-shooting sounded better.

MTV has announced that their new series based on the 90's classic "Teen Wolf" will hit the air on June 5th. Based on everything I've heard about their latest show "Skins" I am fully expecting this one to feature full frontal nudity and partial if not full penetration. I'll consider anything less a complete failure.

In Real People News: 

Not going to lie, I don't see anything wrong with this one. A Minnesota man is being brought up on animal cruelty charges after he tried to mail a 4 month old puppy to Atlanta. Did he not poke holes in the box? Is that what he did wrong? Should he have put a bone in the box with the dog? Seriously, I'm drawing a blank here.

In what sounds like a Lifetime movie here's a story about a Nebraska women who beat the holy living hell out of a guy with a frying pan after he tried to sexually assault her. I would have gone with a Loony Tunes reference here but I don't recall those having many attempted rape scenes in them.

Horror Headlines: Friday March 5th, 2010

I got my tickets booked for Horrorhound Weekend, but it wasn't without my fair share of headaches. I was gonna leave on Thursday from Denver and stay at Casey's pad, but that flight done got all filled up. So, instead, I had to book my flight for Wednesday. It looks like I'll be camping in the airport for a day, maybe sleeping in the bathroom like Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”! Inspirational!

Did you know they were remaking “Pet Sematary”? I didn't. I just learned that, like, two minutes ago. It's apparently going to be rewritten by Matthew Greenberg, writer of the failed King adaptation “1408” and the failed “Halloween” entry “H20”. Who do you think they'll get to “reimagine” the catchy theme song, originally performed by the Ramones? I'm, hoping it's Justin Bieber, so at least I'll have something new to masturbate to. That sexy twink is pure rape-bait!

According to MTV, Wesley Snipes would like to see a “Blade 4”. Sadly, no one else does. (OK, that was mean. The truth of the matter is that I love all three “Blade” flicks and would love to see a fourth. Sometimes the prerequisite cynicism of this gig eats away at me, forcing me to do or say things I don't mean to. Mr. Snipes, please, if the offer arises, make a new “Blade” and I will be first in line, no questions asked. (This promise also applies if you make “Passenger 58” or “Jungle Fever 2: Still Cravin' That White Meat”.))

I know that, because you're an imbecilic horror fan, you probably only listen to bands like Magick Karkass and Devilwhipper, but, if you can expand your musical horizons for two Goddamned minutes, neo-outlaw country singer Shooter Jennings' latest album, “Black Ribbons” is out. Why should this appeal to the oh-so-picky likes of you? Because “Maximum Overdrive” director Stephen King narrates the anti-New World Order-themed album as radio DJ “Will O' the Wisp”, who is about to lose his job as the airwaves is overtaken by 'government-approved and regulated transmissions.' I'm taking a moment to be serious here: this is a damn good album and, quite honestly, better than anything you're listening to right now.

In Real People News: 

You know what would be great? A cure for Autism. You'd think that pediatricians would be all over that, right? Naw... instead they are calling for hot-dogs to be redesigned. HOT-DOGS. TO. BE. REDESIGNED. (Even more baffling: how do you redesign at hot-dog? Make it into a cube? A large ball? And how does this bode for the bun industry?) CURE AUTISM, YOU LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING ASSHOLES.

Swiss condom producers have created “the Hotshot”, an extra-small condom designed for 12-year-olds. Or 31-year-old horror-news writers named Louis.

A Staten Island woman is suing her doctor for accidentally giving her a second pair of breasts. She claims in the suit that the botched surgery harmed her livelihood as a prostitute on Mars. Personally, she makes me wish I had four hands!

On this day in history: 

In 1046, Naser Khosrow begins the seven-year Middle Eastern journey which he will later describe in his book “Safarnama”. It was later rewritten by Jackie Collins into the novel “Hollywood Wives” and then made into a miniseries starring William Devane and Joan Van Ark. Tawdry!

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