pirahna 3dd

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 24th, 2011

If you're waiting for one borderline softcore porn 3D horror flick to come out it's probably "Pirahana 3DD". But if you're waiting for two than the second has got to be "Shark Night 3D" which now has a new poster out for your peepers with the clever tag line "Terror Runs Deep". Because as you are all well aware, Shark Nights terror runs deep, so deep, put her ass to sleep.

If you were in Cannes last week, and honestly if you weren't I'm not sure I want you reading my news, you got a chance to see the new film "Take Shelter". But for you homeless people who couldn't make it the filmmakers were nice enough to make a trailer for the flick that follows a man obsessed with building up a storm shelter with the fears that his nightmares might come true. Watch it from the computer at your local soup kitchen or whatever.

Say what you want about Rob Zombie, the guy knows horror. Weather or not he can make it well is debatable but his next film "The Lords of Salem" has my interest peaked based on the fact that Zombie said in a recent post there won't be any CGI gore in the flick. So even if the film turns out to be crap the blood should still look pretty cool. "Black Sunshine" is still a pretty cool song too.

I can't even begin to understand what the hell is going on in the new trailer for the Korean film "The Cat" but what I can tell you is there is most certainly a cat in the movie. Or maybe there isn't, I don't know. It may kill people, it may get killed or it may be a metaphor for something I will most likely be confused by. There's a poster too... which I don't understand either.

In Real People News: 

Here's a heartwarming story about a mother in Brooklyn who decided she wasn't up for the whole mothering thing and opted to toss her baby down her apartment building's trash chute. Which is where you toss all the things you don't want, weather it's a moldy cheesecake or a child, obviously.

And just because I'm not done talking about the rapture, here's a fish stick with the face of Jesus on it. The end could still be near!

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 12th, 2011

Alexis Texas, 2011 AVN award winner for her work in "Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman" has officially jumped over into the word of horror with her leading role in "Bloodlust Zombies". The movie focuses on an office that suffers a nutso mutant virus outbreak, with sexy results. A new trailer for the film has hit the tubes and I'll give Alexis this, her fellow pornstar brethren who have crossed over have generally taken on roles as versatile as hooker and stripper, so kudos for going outside the box. Pun intended.

The first clip from Lars von Trier's end of the world movie "Melancholia" has hit the tubes and while it's imposable to see Charlotte Gainsbourg without thinking she's about to destroy someone's genitals I have to say this flick looks fairly tame. Then again there's nothing you can do about the snaggle tooth action that is Kirsten Dunst. Mutilated genitals or not, that toothy mastermind will destroy us all.

Gary Busey? Sure! David Hasselhoff? What in the holy living hell is going on. Of course if I were to ask you to guess what horror movie the Hoff would be cast in the obvious answer would be "Piranha 3DD" so this should come as no surprise but still he's been confirmed for the sequel that will take place at a waterpark. Charlie Sheen is next, right? It can't be far off.

You know that morbidly obese girl at your office who is always saying things like "I sooo need to go on a diet" and "Oh wow I super need to get back to the gym" in the hopes that you'll tell her she looks great and doesn't need to change a thing? Well here's the people from Dimension Films taking to twitter to ask the 15 people (11 if you don't count us on the podcast) that saw "Scream 4" to tweet how bad they want to see a 5th installment. Get on the treadmill Ghostface, your fat ass isn't going to tone itself while you sit on the couch and play "Call of Duty".

In Real People News: 

A Colorado mother is under arrest after branding her daughter with a hot knife. I understand this is illegal and bad but how else are you suppose to mark your children? How will you tell she's yours when she's in a crowd? The herd will kill us all people! The cows have taken control!

And here's a crazy guy on the NYC subway dropping his pants and screaming racist nonsense. You're welcome.

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 5th, 2011

If you saw "Catfish" and were as disappointed as I was then get ready because the duo behind the film have officially signed up to disappoint you with "Paranormal Activity 3". Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman are on board to direct that magic that will be "PA3: Back in Da Hood" which is currently plotting an October 21st release. And no that's not actually the title of the movie. It would be pretty awesome if it was though.

Well this should be interesting. Along with Paul Scheer and Christopher Lloyd none other than Mr. Ving Rhames has signed on to return in "Piranha 3DD". This of course is very exciting because Rhames' character had one of the best deaths in the original flick and now we're all moist to see how he's going to return for the sequel. I apologize if you haven't seen the first film yet and I just ruined it. I also apologize for using the word "moist"

Andy Garcia, William Fichtner, Ed Harris and Natascha McElhone have all been added to the cast of the upcoming supernatural thriller "Phantom". The movie focuses on a Soviet submarine captain who discovers there's something about his vessel that could end the lives of him and his entire crew. I'm also happy to announce that this is the most amount of legitimate actors I've ever mentioned in one news post. I think I might cry.

What's better than a found footage flick? How about a low budget one! Ladies and gentlemen I present to you "051: Confidential", a new movie that was supposedly found outside of Area 51 and is now being used as a training video by the military. Who found it? Now one knows! Let's go with me. I found it! You're welcome, America. Now kiss my grits!

In Real People News: 

What would Jesus do? Apparently stab her boyfriend like crazy so he can get to hell. I know it's insane, a woman! Anyway a Minnesota woman is currently under arrest after going bonkers and claiming to be big J and then attacking her boyfriend. Hell hath no fury like our Lord and savior while she's on the rag.

It's got to be upsetting to find out your kids are downtown with the cops being booked for shoplifting. So much so that you might want to knock a few back to take the edge off. Of course when you go to pick up your kids you might want to not be wasted, much like this mother of the year in Louisiana did. Are you crying from the beauty of it all? I hope so.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 3rd, 2011

Katrina Bowden from "30 Rock" and "Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil" is the latest hot chick to be added to the cast of "Piranha 3DD". As we all know Gary Busey was also added to the cast last week and while it hasn't been confirmed I think it's pretty obvious that we now know who will be involved in the movie's love story. I'd like to think the chemistry will find it's way off screen as well and we'll have Hollywood's next power couple.

"Cobra the Space Pirate" is some sort of Japanese animated series that I'm sure someone I went to college with told me was "completely insane" while I didn't get any action at a party, and for that reason alone I now hate it. But alas there's a movie being made about it and today we've got our first look at the poster for the flick. If it gets you excited you're only a little over 2 years away from it's summer 2012 release.

If you're anxiously awaiting the release of "Haunted 3D" then you're one step ahead of me because I've never heard of the damn thing until 10 minutes ago. But that doesn't matter because a handful of theaters will be showing India's first 3D flick this coming weekend. Of course none of the selected theaters are in major cities so you big wigs can suck it. Jersey's got 2 of the 8 selected locations!

Starting today you can get your grubby mits on "Call of Duty: Black Ops Escalation - Call of the Dead" via Xbox Live and to celebrate a new poster has hit the tubes for the game. In the Black Ops add on you can actually play as Robert Englund, Danny Trejo, Michael Rooker and Sarah Michelle Gellar and none other than George A. Romero is featured in the game as a zombie. Which is exciting because there's numerous movies I'd love to shoot him in the face for. Score!

In Real People News: 

A Florida man is being charged with assault after he beat the tar out of his neighbor with a baseball bat because they wouldn't turn down their music. While I can't condone the assault I have to say I had a neighbor once who could play Lisa Loeb at levels that by law shouldn't be allowed and I would have loved to have had a few cracks at him.

A young man in New Mexico made the mistake of shoving the prescription drugs he stole from a neighbor up his no-no hole and was found by police officers bleeding and disoriented. An x-ray later revealed the drugs and I assume the whole thing looked like the scene in "Total Recall" when they walk behind the giant body x-ray. But a lot sexier of course.

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