After 270 episodes of the podcast you develop a handful of jokes that are only funny to those dyed in the wool crazies who have been with us for a while. So if you're always wondering why the hell people are talking about the fog, or why we don't talk about the movie that rhymes with "Shrom Schnight," then this might be the classic pack for you.
Here's a leaked teaser for "Resident Evil: Retribution", the latest chance for Paul W.S. Anderson to play sexy dress up with his wife Milla Jovovich and get paid to do it. Think of it as the world's most expensive foreplay (spoiler alert: I bet it works)
Listen closely and you can hear a million nerds getting a semi at the same time. What could cause this? Why it's the news that "Harry Potter" director David Yates has been tapped to lead the charge on the big screen adaptation of "Dr. Who". I say semi but it could also be the sound of a million nerds already throwing a fit over a big screen adaptation of "Dr. Who". Either way I can't get no sleep son.
When the hell did behind the scenes photos become so popular? Every damn day there's a new pic of Christian Bale eating a bear claw on the set of the new Batman movie or some crap. Or Milla Jovovich, dressed up like she's not 57 on the set of "Resident Evil: Retribution" with a look on her face like she's worried that filming will go long and she won't make the early bird special down at Perkins. In all fairness their pies are delicious, I can't fault her for loving them.
Valentines Day is just around the corner and maybe it's time you thought outside the box. Roses and candy have been done so many times why not give her something she'll really enjoy. Why not give her a copy of "Nude Nuns with Big Guns" which just so happens to hit DVD and Blu-ray on the most romantic day of the year. I'm not going to bother telling you what the movie is about. You can pretty much tell she's going to love it from the title.
I've been saying for years that Brooke Hogan, Hulk Hogan's daughter, has got what it takes to make it in the acting world. And thank god someone has finally listened to me and cast her in the lead role of a movie. The movie is "Sand Sharks"... and it takes place on a beach where giant prehistoric sharks are jumping out of the sand and eat people. Sounds awesome right? Wait till you see the new trailer. I had to watch it twice because the first time I started sobbing uncontrollably because it's so glorious. It's that good.
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Ya know, "free delivery" on a Chinese take out menu can mean a lot of things. Sure most people take it as delivery being free but one woman in Brooklyn NY took it as every item on the menu is free for the taking. And what does someone like that do when they are denied all the free food they want? Take off all their clothes and start running around outside of course. It happens.
Bryan Bertino is the dapper young fella who wrote the lovable hit "The Strangers" and now it looks like Mr. Bertino is putting pen to paper for a new flick titled "Grim Night". The movie will take place on the one night every year when the Grim Reapers come to earth to collect souls. I wonder if they listen to Collective Soul while they do it. Boom du da du da du da du dat YEAH! Trust me, it sounds just like them.
I'm not going to bother explaining the premise of "Jurassic Shark". If you can't figure it out by the name then you might have some sort of learning disability. But I will let you enjoy a new poster for the flick along with a bunch of screen shots of women in small bikinis. See how I work? I insult and then I give. I bet it's giving you some sort of complex. You loser... I love you.
Here's a few new behind the scenes photos from the set of "Resident Evil: Retribution". Much to my surprise there are none of Milla Jovovich eating butterscotch pudding, offering children hard candies or taking her heart pills. I guess I don't know her as well as I thought I do.
A couple weeks back I was the lone person on the podcast who thought "The Darkest Hour" looked pretty cool. I'm sorry if I'm just more cultured then the rest of my neanderthal co-hosts. It must be upsetting for you the listener to have to hear clips of the show where I'm not talking. So here's a new poster from the alien invasion flick! And it's in Russian. Dasvidaniya mutha trucka.
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Yes this man who tried to turn his own doodie into gold by mixing it with fertilizer and heating it up sounds crazy... But if it had worked, man we'd all be rich! unless you're constipated. Then you'd be shit outta luck Haha get it!?
Did you ever read that book "My Brother Sam is Dead" in middle school? I didn't but I was suppose too. I'm really sorry Mr. Reynolds... you creepy mustached SOB. Well "John Dies At the End" is nothing like that book but today it's got its first poster with all kinds of skull goodness. The movie tells the story of two college drop outs who are trying to stop an onslaught of terror brought on by a strange drug that hits the streets. I just used the word onslaught.
Some behind the scenes photos from "Piranha 3DD" have hit the tubes and they're pretty much what you'd expect from the sequel that takes our man-eating fish to a water park. Unless you didn't expect augmented women in tiny swimsuits. While I don't recognize any of the women from porn there's one with a giant tattoo that is leading me to believe she's done some questionable acting in her day. We can only hope and pray now.
I'm going to address this one directly to Mark because he'll probably be the most excited about it. Hey Mark! Good news. They're rebooting the "Mortal Kombat" franchise with a new film based on the popular web series "Mortal Kombat: Legacy". One catch though. It's going to be directed by Kevin Tancharoen, who did direct the web series but also the "Glee" 3D movie and "Fame" remake. Anyway! How have you been? How's Chicago? Have you been to Millennium Park yet? I hear it's wonderful this time of year.
And lastly Johann Urb, who rivals Sarah Jessica Parker for longest face in Hollywood, has signed on to play Leon Kennedy in "Resident Evil: Retribution" along side Milla Jovovich and her mom hips. So that's some exciting news huh? Got any plans for the weekend? Fall is finally here! You look fat in those jeans.
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There's really no better excuse than the one this New York woman gave the cops for running over a man. "He asked for it". Enough said...
Sometimes you're in such a hurry that you forget something important. Like your wallet, keys or your bus pass. The last one I do all the time. I have never forgotten my child though. Not even when I'm drunk driving and flip my car like this woman did in California. Well not yet at least.
Hey, they're still making "Child of the Corn" movies? Who knew! Well here's the new trailer for "Children of the Corn: Genesis" and from the looks of things the filmmakers have fallen on hard times because there appears to be only 4 or 5 children and hardly any corn. I imagine we're only 1 or 2 movies away from "Children of the Government Cheese".
Just to keep the good times rolling here's a couple new stills from "Six Degrees of Hell". I'm not going to bother explaining the plot because I don't think there is one but it stars none other than Mr. Corey Feldman along side Nicole Cinaglia. I mention the second only because I Googled her and while I didn't recognize any of her movies I did recognize the fact that she's dressed like a street walker in half the images she has online. So that's some news, right?
And speaking of mom jeans... I'm sure we were just talking about mom jeans... here's a new trailer for the new Milla Jovovich flick titled "Faces in the Crowd", which drops this October. In the movie Jovo (I just made that up) plays a woman who's attacked by a serial killer and wakes up to find she's suffering from "Face Blindness". I'm not even making that up. They say it right in the trailer. Watch it. I'm pretty sure it's a real thing.
And to top of the worst news day in history it's been confirmed that Jean-Claude Van Damme will star along side his daughter in a new sci-fi thriller that's cleverly titled "UFO". If you couldn't have guessed the movie focuses on a group of friends and what happens when UFO's hover above their hometown. I assume the secret to the alien's weakness will somehow focus on being able to do a full split and wearing tight jeans.
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I could have sworn everyone in Canada was suppose to be nice but a group of kids are under arrest after attacking and killing an Ottawa man with a broken putter at a glow in the dark miniature golf course. The Swiss are still nice, right?
I bet a 12 year old tripping face is the most adorable thing on the planet but before you go getting any ideas you might want to read this story about an Omaha couple who are under arrest after they gave their daughter shrooms. Wrong? Yes, but I bet it was a hell of a lot funnier than that youtube video of the kid all f'ed up from getting nitrous at the dentist.
We're just a week away from the release of "Battle: Los Angeles" and to keep the excitement rolling we've got a new clip for your viewing pleasure. In the clip some of America's finest square off with some "aliens" in the sewers. I put the aliens in quotes because honestly I'm not sure if they're little green men or those Cirque du Soleil weirdos. Either way I agree they must be destroyed.
Despite there not being a cast or director it's been announced that the next installment in the "Resident Evil" franchise will be released on September 14, 2012. Word has it this time we might be looking at a prequel which might mean no Milla Jovovich. Or maybe a CGI version of her... without mom hips... There, I said it.
In other movies that are so far off it seems kind of ridiculous "Mad Max: Fury Road", the fourth installment in the Mad Max series, is officially set to begin filming next January in Australia. Of course the long delay is due to trouble with weather conditions so you can't really stomp your feet and suck your thumb on this one. But I bet you will, you big baby.
I know I'm being stupid here but I'm still super excited about the "Conan the Barbarian" reboot coming out and this new motion poster has got me fired up. Even if it is in 3D and even if it's Sans-Arnold and there's not a Grace Slick in sight. Even if it's directed by the same guy who made the "Friday the 13th" reboot and even if it does star a guy who looks like he should be seducing unsuspecting daughters at crappy resorts in the Bahamas. Even with all those things folks, this movie is going to be awesome.
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Let this be a lesson to you ladies. When your man is high on meth and he wants to leave, not even jumping on the hood of the car is going to stop him. Because any meth head worth his salt is going to do what this guy in California did and speed away anyway. And by speed away I mean drive for 30 miles on the highway at speeds up to 100 mph. This would sound like some sort of 80's slapstick comedy if it wasn't for the meth and all.
And let the avalanche of crap begin. "FDR: American Badass" is a new film that will follow Franklin D. Roosevelt, written as a werewolf hunter who fights the hell spawn in his customized wheelchair. I assume there will be other president fighting evil films shortly after. I'd like to officially toss out "Martin Van Buren: Chupacabra Exterminator" as an idea.
If you love "Resident Evil" films but hate looking at Milla Jovovich's mom hips you're in luck. "Resident Evil: Damnation" is a full on CGI sequel to "Resident Evil: Degeneration" and it's got a super new trailer for you to view. Computers > People. That's math, you can look it up.