It’s pretty bizarre to me that, as notorious as the film “Audition” is, I’d somehow I’d made it this long without either watching it or even so much as hearing any of the specifics of the movie. In fact the only thing I’d really known about this movie is that it was one of the films that helped inspire “Hostel,” thereby helping to launch the “torture-porn” craze in horror here in the States.
When I watched “Aftershock” by Nicolas Lopez I knew immediately after watching it how I felt. Much like the recent “Evil Dead” remake I went back and forth during the movie but once I left the theater it hit me like a residual aftershock: that was dumb. Pardon my lame and immature word, but it’s the first thought that came to my mind. In big boy words, “Aftershock” suffered from a genre identity crisis and ultimately created a pointless story full of empty character development.
Finally I can start wearing my white short shorts again. I love the summer time.
The plot of "The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)" is being kept under lock and key but the news that the film will feature a 500 person long ATM showboat along with a casting call sheet that implies the film will take place in a prison has got us all in a flutter. No confirmation on if the rumors are true but let's be honest, we'll all be sobbing when the final credits roll so it doesn't really matter how it happens. Kind of like when you saw "Return of the Jedi" and you realized the saga was over.
Good news nerds! The "Day of the Dead" Blu-ray has finally been given a release date. September 17th is the day you'll be able to get your grubby hands on the flick, which is actually been released before, but with a crappy ass transfer that looked like it was being played on a silver VCR or something. This version will also be chock full of special features to get you all giddy over. You see the original VCRs were silver. That's the joke here. A silver VCR would be super old.
Spike Lee's "Oldboy" remake has gotten itself a new release date in the form of October 25th, 2013. That just so happens to be the same release date as "Paranormal Activity 5". I know. Drama! I think the important thing to keep in mind here is that we may not have to watch "Paranormal Activity 5" for the podcast now. I will begin drafting my thank you letter to Spike Lee immediately.
Looks like there's a solid chance that the Eli Roth produced Netflix series "Hemlock Grove" will get a second season. Nothing is confirmed but a higher up at Netflix noted that they're looking at pitches for the second season and looking for a storyline. I have no idea if this is good news or not. Let's just comment on how Eli Roth is a charming son of a bitch and move on.
In Real People News:
Here's a heartwarming story about a North Carolina woman who had her son arrested for stealing her Pop Tarts. If they were the chocolate ones I think I understand this. If it was strawberry this whole thing is stupid.
Who says meth heads are all bad? Why here's a Mississippi man who was all whacked out but still had the thoughtfulness to want to make sure his dog got into heaven. Of course he set his dog on fire to help him get there but still, his heart was in the right place.
George Romero's 1981 film "Knightriders", possibly the only one he's ever made that makes the original "The Crazies" look tolerable, is finding its way to Blu-Ray on April 22. For those of you not familiar with the flick (check out our podcast but only pay attention to my opinion) it's about a group of medieval re-enactors who ride on motorcycles rather than horses. I'm not kidding. Oh and Tom Savini wears a speedo. It's awful.
Colin Trevorrow has been hand selected to direct "Jurassic Park 4" after a extensive search. Producer Steven Spielberg spent 4 weeks in the Amazon surviving only on what he hunted and smoking opium before traveling to the tallest mountain in the forest to meet his spirit animal who reportedly told him Trevorrow would be the right man for the job. He then traveled to the director's home and forced him at gun point to slaughter four chickens, two rabbits and one goat to solidify the deal. It's Jurassic god damn Park people. This shouldn't be taken lightly.
"Aftershock", Nicolas Lopez's English debut starring Eli Roth, will find it's way into limited theaters on May 10. Selena Gomez also pops up in the film about a group of travelers in Chile who find themselves trying to survive after an earthquake hits. Apparently in Chile people go around killing each other with axes when a earthquake hits. It's a strange wondrous land. Never visit it.
Paul W.S. Anderson will apparently return again to direct "Resident Evil 6". Oh man they got him? Sometimes you just get lucky.
While Joe finalizes his move to Chicago Casey and I will be helping out on the news desk. Today's random thought? People who refer to podcasts as having "seasons" are dumb and they should stop. That is all.
The saga of "Ghostbusters 3" continues today with new that "Men In Black III" and "Tropic Thunder" script Etan Cohen has been picked up to rewrite the script. I of course originally misread his name as Ethan Coen and got very excited and confused at the same time. I'm kind of stupid sometimes.
If there's one thing you know about me it's that I love me some "God Of War". I know I've never really mentioned the classic PS2 and PS3 games but I think it's been implied over the years that I'm a big fan. Of the first one at least. I've never played the others. But still. Biggest fan ever. So I'm excited to see that Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan have been tapped to write the script for the big screen adaptation of the game. Not so much excited about them. Just excited that a movie is being made. I like movies.
I don't know what it is about Eli Roth but I just want to be his friend and hang out with him. Nothing weird or creepy. I'd just like to play video games with him and maybe get dinner at Outback. But it looks like he's getting busy because he's now in talks to direct a new vampire tale titled "Harker" which Russell Crowe is already attached to. Try to tell me you wouldn't want to split a bloomin onion with Eli. Try to tell me you wouldn't and I"ll punch you right in your god damn face.
"The Monkey's Paw" is a classic tale about a man who comes into possession of a strange monkey's paw that has the power to grant his wishes. I say "classic" because I remember there being an episode of "The Monkees" based on the story and I refuse to believe those guys did anything that wasn't awesome. Well it was only a matter of time before a film was made about the tale and it looks like Brett Simmons, who directed "Husk", is the one leading the charge on it. "Last Train to Clarksville" is a really fun song for opening credits. I'm just tossing it out there Brett.
In Real People News:
Doctors in New Jersey removed a 51 pound tumor from a woman who had waited over a month to be looked at because she was waiting for her insurance to kick in. Enjoy your morning yogurt.
And the bath salts fun continues. This time with a Georgia man being arrested after he tried to fight cops while he had feces in his mouth. No word as to whose feces they were. I hope not his own. That's just gross.
If there's one thing I think of when people mention the crowd at Comic-Con it's "these guys love to exercise". So everyone will be in for a treat this July when the The Walking Dead Escape: San Diego is unveiled to celebrate the comics 100th issue. Visitors will be able to play the role of a zombie, a survivor or a spectator in an evacuation zone. I can already hear the wheezing and smell the BO.
Hold the phones folks, Eli Roth is going to direct a movie. It's called "The Green Inferno" and I have no idea what it's about but it's going to be filming in Chili and Roth co-wrote the screenplay with Guillermo Amoedo. Did you hold your phone? You really don't get the full effect unless you're holding your phone right now.
Dimension Films has picked up the rights to "Compulsion", a new film starting Heather Graham and Carrie-Anne Moss. Remember the joke I made about Carrie-Anne Moss earlier in the week? Man that was funny huh? Anyway no release date has been announced for the remake of a Japanese film about two neighbors who find themselves on the opposite sides of the luck pole. I don't know if there's such a thing as a luck pole but I wish I had thought of that when I was single. Think about it.
John Cusack and Elijah Wood in the same movie? Oh my lukewarm excitement. The film is called "The Grand Pioano" and Cusack is just in talks right now but the film is about a pianist who finds a note saying he'll die if he plays one note wrong. Wood will play the pianist and Cusack the lovable geek who ends up getting the girl. That might be a lie.
In Real People News:
A Wisconsin man has taken to picketing at an all you can eat buffet after he was cut off from the food line when he devoured 12 plates full during their fish fry night. Normally I think protesting is stupid and useless but in this case I fully support this man. You've got to stand for something.
April showers bring May flowers. And Mayflower's bring Pilgrims! My first grade teacher, Mr. Lewis, taught me that. She might have been the oldest person I ever knew. Get to know me.
There's a lot of awful things I would like to see happen to Los Angeles but I can honestly say a dinosaur attack has never crossed my mind. Universal though has decided to move forward with a picture that will be co-written and directed by John Clisham about just such an event happening. I for one welcome out new dino-overloads.
Wait Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel are doing a movie called "The Apocalypse" and Jason Segel has decided to join the cast? This is unprecedented. After years of demanding these guys have finally decided to maker a movie! This will be the most original film ever imagined with a cast no one has seen before. What's it about? Well the title is elusive but it's about the end of the world. I KNOW! Breaking new ground. Emma Watson has joined the cast too, but that's not really funny.
Everyone loves Amber Heard. Not enough to watch that Playboy show she was on for about 3 weeks but they still love her. Word around campus is that she'll soon be cast in "Subject 6", a new film about a student who is a paid participant in a month-long behavioral study but quickly begins to suspect she's actually a prisoner. I mean I don't think anyone actually loves her enough to see any of her movies. But still, we adore her.
Eli Roth has announced that he will be opening a new haunted house attraction in Las Vegas this coming September. The year round attraction will be called Goretorium and will be a multilevel experience for super horror fans around the globe. This actually sounds pretty cool. I'd like to go there with you and maybe take in a show. I love buffets.
In Real People News:
I've never been cut off at a bar but if I was I'd like to think I'd handle it better than this guy in Texas who decided to barricade the bar from the outside and set it on fire. I'd also like to think if I did do that I would run away and not get caught like he did. I have high standards for myself.
The problem with all this coffee I drink is that it makes me have to pee every ten minutes. I feel like I get up from my desk and go and by the time I get back I have to go again. I'm two days away from just wetting myself.
Kevin Williamson, the guy who penned the script for "Scream" catastrophes has just landed Maggie Grace, of "I don't understand why everyone thinks Maggie Grace is so hot" fame, for his new serial killer series. She'll play the lone survivor of the serial killer who's on the loose and being hunted by the FBI. "Lost". She was apparently on "Lost" at some point too. I never watched that show. I heard the ending was stupid. Good talk.
Rapper, producer and medical student Dr. Dre has decided to toss his hat into the horror ring with a new "best in the snow" chiller that's being cooked up for his Crucial Films production company. Vik Weet (don't know him) will pen the script and Daniel Schnider (not a clue) will co-producer with Dre.
George Orwell's classic novel "1984" is once again being prepped for a big screen adaptation. Word has it that Ron Howard and Brian Grazer are tag teaming the flick and currently looking to get it off the ground. No word on who will direct or write the script but this is one of the books I actually read in High School so I for one am excited.
One time when I was working really late my wife came into the city to pick me up, cause she's awesome and does nice things. We hit a bunch of traffic at the Holland tunnel and while we were sitting there I looked at the large SUV sitting next to us and there was Famke Janssen in the passenger seat. Apparently her and whoever was driving got sick of the traffic and decided they had the right to hop the curb and make a u-turn. I rolled down the window and yelled "Just because you're Famke doesn't mean the laws of the road don't apply to you!" She smiled at me and I will forever love her. On top of that she's also been cast in Eli Roth's new Netflix exclusive series "Hemlock Grove". Good story, huh?
In Real People News:
Police in NYC are looking for a 400 pound man who is suspected of groping an 11 year old girl in a Dunkin Donuts. I'm no Columbo but I'd bet money that fat SOB will return to the scene of the crime pretty soon for some more Boston Creme.
A strange unexplained outbreak in Uganda is turning the children into zombie like monsters. Seizures, violent behavior, personality changes, and a bunch of other wacky symptoms are said to associated with the illness which as of right now has no cure. I assume this guy has something to do with it.