the raven

The Raven (REVIEW)

The Raven

If a 19th-century serial killer/detective story based on the genre writing of Edgar Allen Poe feels like a weird match for a director whose previous credits include "Ninja Assassin" and work on virtually every Wachowski Brothers film, then director James McTeigue would probably suggest you take a pass on "The Raven." Likely imagined as a mix between Depp's "From Hell" and the Downey Jr "Sherlock Holmes" films, McTeigue's John Cusak vehicle manages to impersonate neither of those films well enough to pass muster.

Trailers: "The Raven" confounds

I love me some John Cusack as much as the next guy but ya, this looks terrible. Thankfully it still says "COMING SOON", so we won't have to sit through it for a good long while.

Posters: "The Raven" is still a mystery to me

"Coming soon" from the dude who brought you V For Vendetta, this weird Edgar Allen Poe movie starring John Cusack that no one seems to be able to make sense of. It's like Sherlock Holmes, only if he were actually Edgar Allen Poe, but not old and sad, more like young and emo. And he's tracking down a serial killer. Make sense yet? (click to enhance...)

Horror Headlines: Friday October 7th, 2011

The first trailer for "The Raven" staring John Cusak has hit the tubes my friend and it's chock full of birdy goodness. I think at least. Honestly I couldn't even watch the trailer because it kept locking up my computer. I can tell you the movie tells the tale of Edger Allen Poe who joins forces with a detective to stop a serial killer. You enjoy the trailer though and let me know how it goes.

Robert Zemeckis has set his eyes on "Charles Fort" as his next project. A period piece that tells the story of early-twentieth-century ghost hunter, the movie will be based on the Dark Horse comic of the same name. I wish I had something sarcastic to say about this but it just sounds so darn delightful.

Show of hands, who out there hasn't had a Tara Reid/Cloris Leachman three way fantasy? No one, that's what I thought. Well get excited because they're both on the new poster for "The Fields", a film set in 1973 that tells the true story of a Pennsylvania family who are terrorized by a strange presence in their corn field. I could sop this poster up with a biscuit! I realize that makes no sense.

Blah blah blah Rob Zombie blah blah blah "Lords of Salem" casting blah blah blah Billy Drago blah blah blah creepy guy from "The Untouchables".

In Real People News: 

Like candy but hate all the spooky connotations surrounding Halloween? Well you're in luck! This year you can celebrate Jesusween with a bunch of wack jobs who believe... well I'm not 100% sure what they believe but I'm 99% sure it will end with a military stand off and some sort of death pact.

Remember when you played football in middle school and you had to walk past the other team after the game and say "good game" to them? The funny guys would always say crap like "'eff you" and whatnot instead? Well here's a funny guy from Ohio who decided to put a tack on his glove and give the entire opposing team a make-shift stigmata. What a hoot!

Horror Headlines: Monday, September 19th, 2011

ABC has picked up the rights to a new TV series titled "Jekyll and Hyde" which is based on the classic tale of Frankenstein. I kid. The show will take place in modern day San Francisco and focus on a female detective who tries to hunt down a mad scientist. She also builds a monster out of dead people. I kid again.

The good people over at WWE have snagged the rights to a new post-apocalyptic thriller about a group of survivors who make on last stand as the world comes to an end titled "The Day". I've got to say this actually sounds kind of cool, and as long as they don't go putting Stone Cold Steve Austin in the lead role it might have some potential. You give these kind of thought provoking roles to The Rock obviously.

As a child I had a pretty hefty crush on Meg Foster, she played Evil-Lyn in "Master of the Universe" and was scary and hot at the same time. Now she's been added to the cast of Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem" as the leader of a witch coven that comes back to haunt modern day Salem. I can not think of a more appropriate role for Foster. With her sexy sexy eyes and frightening as all hell face.

And with the spooky time season coming up it only makes sense that we would get a trailer for "Halloween: XXX Porn Parody", the latest in a string of porns that will probably end up being more entertaining than the remakes they're based on. I hope this one is in theaters though.

In Real People News: 

Here's a story about a Florida kid who snapped on one of his classmates and choked the living crap out of him. And by kid I mean a 12 year old and by choked the crap out of I mean till the other kid passed out. Which must have looked kind of bad ass. I bet he's like the cool Beiber of his school now or something.

It's just like "Weekend at Bernie's"! Two Texas men are under arrest after they delayed reporting their friends death so that they could have a night out on the town with his credit cards. I don't know if they strung him up and took him out with them but I like to think they did. Man that would be funny.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday December 14th, 2010

How the hell is there already a trailer for "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"? Did it just get announced a couple weeks ago? maybe I'm wrong. But anyway this one looks very promising my friends! There's 0 Orlando Bloom's and countless zombies. Johnny Depp's dreamy pools of seduction he calls eyes and... zombies. I smell a winner here.

Here's another shot of John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe in the upcoming film "The Raven". John looks legit but what is wrong with that freakin bird? It's got devil eyes! I don't trust that bird, it wants to snatch my soul and take it back to it's bird house and feed it to it's little devil bird chicks. We should move on.

With season 5 of "Dexter" in the books it's now time for Julia Stiles to look back and reflect on her season long run with everyone's favorite serial killer. For those of you who haven't watched the final episode yet don't worry, she doesn't spoil what happens.

If there is one thing you can say about porn stars it's that they are versatile. Case in point, one Miss Tori Black who plays a hooker down on her luck that gets more than she bargained for with a special client in the new straight to DVD flick "Half Moon". You see she's versatile because she... well she doesn't have to... well I can't imagine you see anything going into her... I don't know folks, if it aint broke don't fix it.

In Real People News: 

An inmate in California is demanding special meals in order to comply with his belief in the holiday of Festivus. This is awesome. I wonder if I can start asking for this on flights and demand that I get to wrestle the pilot.

You know how annoying it is when you're going through the drive-thru at a fast food joint and the guy working the speaker is being a real prick? Well here's a guy in Illinois who got fed up and tossed a dead squirrel through the window. Well played my friend.

Horror Headlines: Thursday December 9th, 2010

Nicolas Cage, who many consider the world's greatest actor of all time to ever be invented, is here with a new clip from his soon to be Academy Award winning film "Season of the Witch". In it Cage battles a bunch of wolves and of course wins. Well alright not really, but I bet he could if he wanted to.

Remember last week when I told you that the upcoming "Alien" prequel had been pushed out a year to at least 2013? Well if you said yes then you're a liar because I didn't... but apparently the rumors have been flying. Well it looks like the 2012 release date is still actually happening, if the film actually happens. I say that because it also looks like Fox has not officially given the film a thumbs up. Confused? Me too. Let's talk about something else. Some weather we're having huh? Winter is officially here!

Apparently that guy who's married to Katy Perry is some kind of actor and will star in a new "Beetlejuice" type film called "RentaGhost", which itself is based on a BBC series that ran twenty some years ago. Oh alright, I'm just kidding I know he's an actor, he just really sucks.

"The Raven" has absolutely nothing to do with Edgar Allan Poe but it is being produced by Mark Wahlberg. So that's nice, right? The movie is about a guy running around downtown LA while a bunch of police drones try to track him down. Truth be told this might have something to do with Edger Allan Poe, I don't care much for reading, I just assumed something with Marky Mark attached to it wouldn't be that classy.

In Real People News: 

A Sudanese court has convicted seven men after they were arrested for wearing makeup during a fashion show in Khartoum. How freakin awesome is that? Can we get those pricks in Green Day to head over there? That 50 year old man wearing eyeliner needs some prison time.

A longtime Santa in downtown San Francisco has been fired from Macy's after a couple complained about his joke that it's "too bad" when older people who sit on his lap say they've been good. San Francisco is also the same city that recently banned toys from Happy Meals. So it's confirmed... San Francisco is now officially a part of Canada.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday November 16th, 2010

Hey here's something awesome to kick off your Tuesday. It's three pricks who are taking your childhood memories and taking a big old crap on them. Some might also call it a video with the three guys that MTV has cast in their new "Teen Wolf" series. I like my description better though.

Mike White, who is apparently a director, has been chosen to make the moving pictures for the big screen adaptation of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". Now before you go thinking this might be something to get worried about let me remind you that Mr. White wrote "Nacho Libre". So that's something, right?

Is this true? Pang Ho-Cheung's "Dream Home" is the first Japanese slasher flick? How the hell is that possible? What have they been doing for all these years? Dressing up like giant hamsters and having sex with each other? Oh wait, that's probably it so don't laugh. Don't laugh!

And here's your first look at John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe in "The Raven". Spoiler alert, it looks like John Cusack with a goatee and one leg. Alright the one leg thing is a lie but I figured the goatee wasn't really much so I spiced it up a bit. I'm sorry I hurt you like that.

In Real People News: 

Well if you're going to get arrested for a DUI then you might as well go the distance and piss on the police cruiser while you're at it. Anything else is really just half-assing it.

What's worse than getting a tattoo of your girlfriends name and then breaking up with her? Having her try to cut the tattoo of your neck rather than letting you live the rest of your life with it. That's a fact.

Horror Headlines: Thursday October 14th, 2010

Well here's something you don't see every day. The release of the "Fright Night" remake has actually been pushed up from an October 2011 release to August. I don't think I've ever heard of a horror film actually having a release date moved up. This has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Luke Evans and Alice Eve have both joined the cast of the big screen version of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven". It's already been announced that John Cusak will play Poe and I will not understand a word of the dialog. Can't wait!

If you don't have "Walking Dead" fever by now there's a solid chance you're a commie. There I said it. Commies won't be excited to see the new TV spot for the AMC series and they hate freedom. Therefore if you're not excited after you watch thee new trailer than you hate freedom and you are of course a commie. That's simple math, folks.

Hollywood's El Capitan Theater will be showing "The Nightmare Before Christmas" in 4D this month, meaning the movie will be in 3D and the theater will also feature wind and fog along with some special guests. I love this movie and to date I've paid to see it when it was released, paid to see it in 3D, bought it on VHS, bought it on DVD and finally on Blu-Ray. Well played on the 4D Mr. Burton but you've already got enough of my money.

In Real People News: 

You ever get drunk and go over to your buddy's house to mess with him? Well Two guys in Uniontown PA took that idea to the next level by getting hammered and knocking on the local police station door. Apparently they don't look kindly on that sort of thing. Good to know.

On this day in history: 

1968 – An earthquake rated at 6.8 on the Richter Scale destroys the Australian town of Meckering, Western Australia, and it also ruptures all nearby main highways and railroads.

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