A new week is upon us my friends and I for one think it's going to be our best yet. Why you might ask? Well for starters I got the perfect amount of sleep this past week. I can't say for sure because I'm not some sort of scientist but I think that might have something to do with the ridiculous amount of White Russians I drank Saturday and Sunday night. It was an amazing sight my friends. Me setting up the Christmas tree with my 5 month old daughter strapped to my chest in one of those man-harnesses. Alternating between White Russians and beer the entire time.
Allan Loeb wrote the script for "21", which was alright. He also wrote the script for "Just Go with It" which was 100% not alright. So I'm not sure what to make of "San Andreas 3D", a new script he just finished about a giant earthquake that hits the famous area of land. I can't imagine it's that hard to write a 3D earthquake flick so I think we might be alright here. "The building falls and it's like RIGHT in your face and stuff. Then some rocks fall now they're in your face too. Man, it's scary." I could do this for a living.
Someone in Hollywood is playing with my tender tender emotions. If my love for Woody Harrelson is equal to anything it's my extreme hatred for Lenny Kravitz. Well alright truth be told I don't really love or hate either one of those guys but this post about their new photos from "Hunger Games" would be boring as hell without a little Joe spice, wouldn't it.
"The Summer of Massacre" is a new film coming your way and for the life of me I can't figure out if the title is actually English or not. Meaning it sounds like something a group of Germans would call their family video of their trip to NYC if one of them happened to get attacked and killed by a homeless man. The film is about a group of killers who go on a rampage but the exciting news here is that the film has officially been confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records to have the highest body count of any movie in the history of time. So how about that! The movies in the book right next to those two fat twins who ride motorcycles.
Booo Universal Studios Orlando, BOOO! On Friday the park announced that it would be officially closing it's Jaws attraction after over 20 years of magic. No word as of yet on what attraction will be replacing the long running boat ride but unless it has a giant mechanical shark that jumps out of the water and is called "Jaws" I'm not going to be happy. What's worse is they plan on closing the ride on January 2nd, two years before my next planned trip. I think out of respect that could at least keep it open a few more years for me. They owe me at least that much.
In Real People News:
Nice Chicago, NICE! A local news anchor of the windy city is in hot water with the locals after announcing that there is no Santa Clause during the evening news. Of course now I've also announced it so maybe I should apologize too. Then again if you're letting your kid read this you should probably apologize to him or her also. Or at least don't come crying to me when your toddler asks what "dry humping" is.
Here's an adorable little story about a female Boston area professor who has been arrested for running a meth lab out of her house. That article I'm taking this from already used the "Breaking Bad" reference so I'm really not sure where to go with this. Anyway I'm sure you're still kind of sick from the "Joe spice" comment I made early so let's just call it a day.
If you're not in the know like I am then you're probably clueless on "Hunger Games", a movie based on a book where kids are sent into a giant playing field and made to battle to the death. Well since it's based on a book and the movie is going to make the kids go gaga it's only stands to reason that the books would now be re-released with the hot teen heartthrobs adoring the cover. So here they are, the new hot sexy covers. I just used the word adorning.
When I was a kid and I popped in a VHS tape I knew I was in for a good time when I saw the Cannon Films logo come up. The "American ninja" movies alone filled up at least 3 years of a young Joe's life. And don't get me started on how much I loved the "Breakin'" films. Sadly, Cannon Films is gone but Documentary film maker Mark Harley is paying tribute to the classic video company with a new flick titled "Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films" which has just been picked up by Drafthouse Films for distribution. Seriously, you should have seen my fat 6 year old ass trying to break dance. It would've made you throw up.
"Cabin In the Woods" is a new horror flick from Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon about a guy who goes to a cabin with some friends and then finds a bunch of weird awful crap. I know that makes no sense but that's what we've got for a plot description. Want to get even more confused? Check out the new poster for the film. It's got a cabin all messed up like a rubix cube or some crap. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Seriously, I was so fat and I was trying to do a head spin.
America may have never have gotten over the whole Tom Cruise going crazy thing but no one can deny that's he's just so tiny and adorable you want to lock him in your closet and keep him for your own. Every morning you'd wake up and peek inside the closet to see little Tom Cruise sleeping on the tiny little bed he's chained to. At night you'd dress him up in doll clothing and put on elaborate dinner shows with him as the star. All the while knowing that you've got one of Hollywood's top leading men as your little tiny man doll. It would be a dream. Anyway, Tom's going to star in "All You Need Is Kill" as a solider who gets trapped in a time loop when he's killed. I think I've said too much.
"Let Me In" Wunder-Director Matt Reeves has signed on to tackle the Frankenstein flick "This Dark Endeavor" based on the book with the same name. The film is just the latest in a long line of Frankenstein based films to be announced which means 2012 could very much be the year of the reanimated dead. Neck bolts are going to be soooo hot, I can just feel it.
The latest name to be added to the cast of "Dexter" season 6 is none other than Edward James Olmos. Colin Hanks and Mos Def have already been signed on and I can only assume that the addition of Olmos means that Dexter will be moving to a rough inner city and Olmos will play a teacher who shows him the powers of math. That's not racist, he did it in "Stand and Deliver".
So many people have been added to the cast of "Hunger Games" that I have officially forgotten what the movie is even about and now that Lenny Kravitz is on board I just want to punch it right in the face. I'm kidding, it's about two areas that send children to battle each other. I'm not kidding about the punching in the face though, Lenny Kravitz is a prick.
If you're like me then you spend most of your time as a bachelor paying strange women to break into your home, tie you up and torture you for two hours. Well good news fellow deviants, the movie "Kidnapped" is everything you've dreamt of and more and there's a new trailer out for the film to prove it. Of course I don't believe there's any sort of safe word involved in this, so that could get sketchy.
In Real People News:
A North Carolina man is under arrest after he walked into his local Salvation Army, took off his pants and sat down on a couch with all his goodness hanging out for the world to see. Of course the obvious question here is how much is the couch discounted now that it's all covered in creepy old man juices.
Must be open season for showing your genitals in North Carolina because here's another guy who was so pissed off that his local Bojangles ran out of fried chicken that he decided to whip his bits out and show the woman working at the drive-thru window. I have no idea how that solves the chicken problem but I like his enthusiasm.
God please let this drag out. Apparently there's a big ass distribution rights argument going on between Relativity Media and The Weinsteins for who gets to put out "The Crow" remake. Lawyers are getting involved and much to my surprise apparently both groups actually want to put out the film. I assumed it was some sort of kicking in the balls match they had for who has to put out the movie or something.
Did you like "Tron: Legacy"? You did!? Me too! We're twins! Did you notice I make this same joke every other week!? You did!? Go to hell! Anyway the same fellas that wrote the script for the Tron sequel have now picked up the torch to bring the comic book "Rex Mundi" to the big screen for Johnny Depp's production company, Infinitum Nihil. That name of course means whale's vagina in German. Screw you guys, you come up with Rob Zombie jokes every other day.
Here's more exciting casting news for "Hunger Games"! Willow Shields has been cast as Primrose Everdeen, the younger sister of someone else in the movie that I have no idea about. Just so we're clear I am still completely confused buy the plot of the movie, which apparently has children fighting to the death. And now I have no idea who this Everdeen girl is. Wait has anyone seen my glasses?! Oh Christ!
"Dylan Dog: Dead of Night" has gotten jack and squat as far as advertising but mother of god it looks pretty good. Need proof? Look at this new clip that features some sort of mega-zombie type creature. And then you can F yourself for ever questioning me. I thought we were past that.
In Real People News:
Mother of god the animal rights pricks ruin everything! Goldfish racing at the Harmon Tap Room in Tacoma Washington has been canceled after those tree huggers complained because a few goldfish died. They know you can get 40 goldfish for about 5 bucks, right? That's how much their lives cost! God I hate hippies.
"An incredibly dangerous, homemade mini crossbow made of silver and gold that shoots flaming firework darts". Get me this and I swear I will give you my first born... but not really.
Evan Spiliotopoulos, who you know as the writer of the sequel to 75% of the greatest Disney cartoons has been tapped direct "Ouija". McG has already been announced as the director of the flick based on the Hasbro board game that has allowed me to speak to George Burns from beyond the grave. Every night I force him to explain to me what it was like on the set of "Oh, God!". I think he's starting to get pretty sick of it.
If you picked up "Portal 2" yesterday then you probably already know this, but for those of you who have a day job and can't spend all night being called a "Noob" by some 11 year old Australian kid over XBox Live, it might be interesting to know that Mr. J.J. Abrams has included a pretty cool interactive trailer for "Super 8" in the extras section of the game. So maybe go pick up the game, huh? Or just Google the video... it's a lot cheaper.
John Luessenhop, who looks like a guy who would be described as "a quiet man" on a news report announcing he murdered his family and ate them, is in talks to possibly direct the upcoming "Leatherface 3D" hot pocket. The nugget is a sequel to the 2003 "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake. Did I mention the movie is going to be in 3D? And I talked about the creepy murderer director, right? Are you as excited as I am? Probably.
Leven Rambin has been cast in the upcoming flick "Hunger Games" in the role of Glimmer. Jennifer Lawrence will play District 12's Katniss Everdeen and the two will apparently battle to the death. This will apparently be the first film in a series that I have absolutely no idea about and if I'm being honest I haven't understood one thing I've talked about in this little blurb. I'm so confused.
In Real People News:
If you're trying to win over a judge at your divorce hearing so you can say get custody of the family dog or something you might want to avoid beating the hell out of your soon to be ex-wife in the judges chambers. I don't know, I'm not lawyer though so what do I know.
An air traffic controller has been suspended after he was watching "Cleaner" on a portable DVD player while he was suppose to be directing traffic. Was he suspended because it was "Cleaner" or just because he was watching a movie in general? I've never seen or even heard of "Cleaner" actually, is it that bad?