Lenny Kravitz

Horror Headlines: Monday, December 5th, 2011

A new week is upon us my friends and I for one think it's going to be our best yet. Why you might ask? Well for starters I got the perfect amount of sleep this past week. I can't say for sure because I'm not some sort of scientist but I think that might have something to do with the ridiculous amount of White Russians I drank Saturday and Sunday night. It was an amazing sight my friends. Me setting up the Christmas tree with my 5 month old daughter strapped to my chest in one of those man-harnesses. Alternating between White Russians and beer the entire time.

Allan Loeb wrote the script for "21", which was alright. He also wrote the script for "Just Go with It" which was 100% not alright. So I'm not sure what to make of "San Andreas 3D", a new script he just finished about a giant earthquake that hits the famous area of land. I can't imagine it's that hard to write a 3D earthquake flick so I think we might be alright here. "The building falls and it's like RIGHT in your face and stuff. Then some rocks fall now they're in your face too. Man, it's scary." I could do this for a living.

Someone in Hollywood is playing with my tender tender emotions. If my love for Woody Harrelson is equal to anything it's my extreme hatred for Lenny Kravitz. Well alright truth be told I don't really love or hate either one of those guys but this post about their new photos from "Hunger Games" would be boring as hell without a little Joe spice, wouldn't it.

"The Summer of Massacre" is a new film coming your way and for the life of me I can't figure out if the title is actually English or not. Meaning it sounds like something a group of Germans would call their family video of their trip to NYC if one of them happened to get attacked and killed by a homeless man. The film is about a group of killers who go on a rampage but the exciting news here is that the film has officially been confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records to have the highest body count of any movie in the history of time. So how about that! The movies in the book right next to those two fat twins who ride motorcycles.

Booo Universal Studios Orlando, BOOO! On Friday the park announced that it would be officially closing it's Jaws attraction after over 20 years of magic. No word as of yet on what attraction will be replacing the long running boat ride but unless it has a giant mechanical shark that jumps out of the water and is called "Jaws" I'm not going to be happy. What's worse is they plan on closing the ride on January 2nd, two years before my next planned trip. I think out of respect that could at least keep it open a few more years for me. They owe me at least that much.

In Real People News: 

Nice Chicago, NICE! A local news anchor of the windy city is in hot water with the locals after announcing that there is no Santa Clause during the evening news. Of course now I've also announced it so maybe I should apologize too. Then again if you're letting your kid read this you should probably apologize to him or her also. Or at least don't come crying to me when your toddler asks what "dry humping" is.

Here's an adorable little story about a female Boston area professor who has been arrested for running a meth lab out of her house. That article I'm taking this from already used the "Breaking Bad" reference so I'm really not sure where to go with this. Anyway I'm sure you're still kind of sick from the "Joe spice" comment I made early so let's just call it a day.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday May 25th, 2011

"Let Me In" Wunder-Director Matt Reeves has signed on to tackle the Frankenstein flick "This Dark Endeavor" based on the book with the same name. The film is just the latest in a long line of Frankenstein based films to be announced which means 2012 could very much be the year of the reanimated dead. Neck bolts are going to be soooo hot, I can just feel it.

The latest name to be added to the cast of "Dexter" season 6 is none other than Edward James Olmos. Colin Hanks and Mos Def have already been signed on and I can only assume that the addition of Olmos means that Dexter will be moving to a rough inner city and Olmos will play a teacher who shows him the powers of math. That's not racist, he did it in "Stand and Deliver".

So many people have been added to the cast of "Hunger Games" that I have officially forgotten what the movie is even about and now that Lenny Kravitz is on board I just want to punch it right in the face. I'm kidding, it's about two areas that send children to battle each other. I'm not kidding about the punching in the face though, Lenny Kravitz is a prick.

If you're like me then you spend most of your time as a bachelor paying strange women to break into your home, tie you up and torture you for two hours. Well good news fellow deviants, the movie "Kidnapped" is everything you've dreamt of and more and there's a new trailer out for the film to prove it. Of course I don't believe there's any sort of safe word involved in this, so that could get sketchy.

In Real People News: 

A North Carolina man is under arrest after he walked into his local Salvation Army, took off his pants and sat down on a couch with all his goodness hanging out for the world to see. Of course the obvious question here is how much is the couch discounted now that it's all covered in creepy old man juices.

Must be open season for showing your genitals in North Carolina because here's another guy who was so pissed off that his local Bojangles ran out of fried chicken that he decided to whip his bits out and show the woman working at the drive-thru window. I have no idea how that solves the chicken problem but I like his enthusiasm.

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