nic cage

Horror Headlines: Friday January 4th, 2013

First Friday of 2013! What's on tap? We should go to one of those indoor water parks. Wouldn't that be fun? I swear to god if you laugh at my man boobs though I will slap the taste out of your mouth.

I get my young starlets mixed up a lot but I'm fairly sure Ashley Tisdale has either made a porn, had nude phone pics of her leaked, or bedded one of the Kardashian sisters. Whatever it was we can all discuss it in length on a soon to be recorded podcast because the former Disney gal has been added to the cast of "Left Behind". The film focuses on a group of people who are left on earth after big JC takes all his followers up with him to heaven. A-Dale (I just made that up) will play Nic Cage's daughter in the film. I assume Cage ends up being Jesus. It would just be silly if something else happened.

Despite my hatred of all things not-English I actually liked Spanish filmmaker Alex De La Iglesia's 2010 weird ass flick "The Last Circus". So I am kind of excited to learn about his next project titled "Witching and Bitching" which follows a group of robbers being hunted down by a group of witches. I'll be honest I was sold on title alone. I just pray this one has a lot less chubby-man ass in it.

I had no idea that "Mimesis: Night of the Living Dead" was a thing but apparently it's going to hit DVD and Blu-Ray on February 12th. For the rest of you who had no idea about the film either, it follows a group of strangers who are brought to a house for what they think is a big horror fan event and find themselves trapped in a real life recreation of the classic 1968 Romero classic. The important thing here is that I now know what "mimesis" means.

I can't imagine anyone is looking forward to the new Halle Berry flick "The Hive," but if you are you should know that the title has changed to "The Call" and will see the light of day on March 25th. The bright spot here is that the film is being directed by "Session 9" main man Brad Anderson. The dark spot is that it's being put out by WWE films so there will most likely be a Stone Cold cameo. Alright fine, I'll admit it, that's a bright spot also.

In Real People News: 

Holy mother of god: Here's a story about a Florida guy who attacked and raped a miniature horse. In the same state that you can have a buffet breakfast with Mickey Mouse? What the hell is wrong with people.

An Ohio stripper is in critical condition after she fell off of a balcony while giving a lap dance. I know I'm thinking the same thing as you are. There's a two story strip club in Ohio? There's finally an actual reason to visit that godawful state.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 12th, 2012

I come to you this fine morning from the waiting lounge of Porter airlines in sunny Newark New Jersey. I'll be honest up until about a week ago I had no idea Porter airlines existed but now I'm hooked. Free coffee, food and wifi in the airport? I've been told the later flights have free booze. How is that possible? I plan on taking them every time I fly to Canada. Yes I never plan on going to Canada again after today but that doesn't make any of this less exciting.

Joan Allen seems like an all around nice gal. I can't say I remember one movie she's been in or actually recognize her face or name but still I think she's got a winning personality. And if that doesn't sell you on the fact that she's been added to the cast of the big screen adaptation of Stephan King's "A Good Marriage" I'm not sure what will. The story follows a wife who discovers her husband has been hiding an awful secret for many years. What's my awful secret you ask? I love those little country stores that sell all kinds of jams, jellies and knick knacks. There, it's finally out there.

If you love Michael Bay and James Wong, and I mean really love them like you want to be with them, then you're going to be super excited about the new supernatural cop drama the two are working on for A&E titled "Occult". The show follows two investigators who find themselves a part of a new task force that focuses on the occult. Just to be clear I don't mean you love them like brothers I mean you love them like you want to kidnap them and hold them hostage.

I don't know what it is about Neil Jordan but the guy has a name that makes me want to throw him off a cliff. I mean I like his movies and all I just can't stomach the name. Neil.... JORDAN. But I will get past it and watch "Byzantium", a new film of his that was just picked up by IFC. The film follows two girls who find themselves on the run when they encounter a 200 year old vampire. To be clear I'm going to watch the movie because apparently they work in a brothel for a while and the chance of nudity trumps all name hate.

Everyone's favorite uber-star Nic Cage is apparently in talks to take the lead in a new film titled "I Am Wrath". In the film Cage would play a husband who must take the law into his own hands when he finds the people investigating the murder of his wife are not such nice fellas. I assume they're fellas cause you know you never see a real prick female cop in movies. I don't know if that's sexist or not. I think it might be.

In Real People News: 

Ah young love. It makes you do crazy things. Taking off your boyfriend's prosthetic leg and beating him with it is not the first crazy thing that comes to mind usually but what do I know. I've never lived in Florida.

Biting off someone's nose during an argument is a pretty extreme form of lashing out but doing THAT to your sister? That's just bad family values.

Featurettes: It's like "Ghost Rider", only more extreme you guys

Here it is! I saw this featurette in the theater this weekend before "Underworld: Awakening". In it, Nic Cage talks about the director and how he's basically a nutjob who risks life and limb to get the most "extreme" action shots possible. I'm going to start chugging Mountain Dew now in anticipation. Sarcasm aside, at a certain point I became excited for "Ghost Rider: Vengeance". It's best to just go with these things, why ruin pure, unadulterated joy? (vid after the jump)

Snapshots: Idris Elba in "Ghostrider: Spirit of Vengeance"

I assume he's running from the damage this is going to do to his career. I don't think that bike's going to be fast enough...

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

Sometimes I drink so much coffee that my mouth actually starts to get this weird sort of raw feeling to it. Like someone took sandpaper to my jaw at night and went to town. When that happens I have to stop drinking it for at least two days. During that time I'm a real prick because I love my morning coffee. It's kind of like I go on the rag. I just thought of that. Pretty clever if I do say so myself.

I don't think anyone is excited about the DVD release of "The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" but it's happening and it's my journalistic duty to tell you about the new box art that's been released for the ass-to-mouth opus. The hit goes on sale on Valentines day, of course, and will include director commentary, behind the scenes videos, deleted scenes and some other random goodies. And by goodies I mean stuff that will make you throw up in your mouth.

Speaking of DVD releases, it looks like the A&E miniseries "Bag of Bones", based on the Stephen King novel by the same name will be hitting shelves on March 13th. Which is surprising because I didn't realize it actually aired already. Right now it looks like the only special features being included are a couple of short features about the series, which focuses on a father wrapped up in a bitter custody battle after the death of his wife. So get ready for that hot box to hit... That's what she said.

The birth of my daughter, my wedding day and the release of "Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance". These are the three things I've been most excited about in my lifetime. I put them in that order only because I know my wife reads my news from time to time. So here's a new TV spot for the Nic Cage sequel that hits theaters on February 17th. I love you honey and I'm sorry... just about everything.

And here's a new clip from Ti West's "The Innkeepers" which has already found it's way onto VOD. If you're not up to speed on the flick it focuses on two innkeepers who try to prove their place of employment is haunted before it closes its doors for good. Anyone ever listen to that band Vison Of Disorder. I think about them every time I write about a movie that's hit VOD. Also that it's because of bands like them that I never got laid in High School.

In Real People News: 

Life is rough on the streets and when you're a homeless man who happens to stumble upon a nice piece of steak you do what you have to in order to enjoy it. Like cut your fellow hobo companion's head off I guess. I don't know, I've pretty much been upper-middle class all my life.

If you haven't seen any of the Chipmunks movies then you're doing yourself a disservice. They're actually a lot of fun. So much fun that this guy in Chicago was so excited while watching the most recent flick that he dropped trow in the theater and showed the audience his nuts. Ya know, because chipmunks loves nuts. It's a pun you jerks.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Winter is officially here my friends! This entire week I've been wearing my snow pants to work in anticipation of the last final blizzard of 2011. Sure there's no reports of any such blizzard coming but still I like to be prepared. I also really like the swooshing sound the snow pants make when I walk around. And my ass looks great in them. So many reasons!

If you're as excited as I am for tonight's season finale of "American Horror Story" then you know what it's like to wet your pants at work and have all your coworkers laugh at you. Miserable I know. But the good people at FX have given us a special preview of tonight's episode to tide us over. So that makes up for the constant harassment you're going to receive for the next year. The nicknames, the laughing... the scratchy thighs.

Nick Swardson and TJ Miller have both been cast in a new animated comedy flick titled "Hell & Back". The two will voice characters who have to travel into the underworld to save a friend of theirs who was kidnapped and taken to the great below. The good news here? The flick is going to be rated R. So if you love cartoons who swear, and who doesn't, get ready to piss yourself again... Maybe it's time to get some adult diapers.

Eff yeah new poster for "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance". With Nic Cage all head on fire riding a bike with a giant chain whip. Eff ya indeed! Oh wait? you're in 3D too? You shouldn't have even bothered changing your pee pants!

Holy crap, have you ever seen a picture of "American History X" director Tony Kaye before? He looks like that crazy wizard guy who had the telescope and watched the two giant statues that shoot lasers in "The Never Ending Story". You know the one I'm talking about. Anyway he's being perused by the fine people at W2 Media to direct their new flick "Attachment", about a teacher who's one night stand with a student comes back to haunt her when he begins to date her daughter. If anyone can remember the guy's name I'd really appreciate you letting me know. This is going to bug me now.

In Real People News: 

It's always sad when the horse theft you plan goes terribly wrong. One minute you're just having some fun stealing a horse from your local college and the next minute your mother's boyfriend is shooting that horse in the face. Too far man, too far.

I don't even know how this is possible but here's a story about an 82 year old man who beat his girlfriend to death with a flashlight battery.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, September 13th, 2011

Canadian director Bruce McDonald has named "Dark Highway" as his next venture into the world of horror. The film tells the story of a man who struggles with what is real and what isn't while he tries to complete a day long journey. You might know McDonald from his previous film "Pontypool" which the majority of us went gaga for. Or if you're Canadian you might know him from the maple syrup isle of your local grocery store.

Vanessa Hudgens has joined the cast of "Frozen Ground", a new film which tells the story of serial killer Robert Hansen, a Alaskan man who abducted 24 women and hunted them on his land. John Cusack and Nic Cage were previously confirmed to play Hansen and the officer who must find the bodies of the victims and I've already used my "Con-Air" jokes so lets just move along.

"Resident Evil: Retribution" is the next installment in the "Resident Evil" series and it looks like Colin Salmon, who you might remember from the first film, has joined the cast. Fans of the VH1 series "Single Ladies" might also recognize Salmon from his role of Jerry Waters, the witty fast talking lawyer with a heart of gold. I'm kidding, I have no idea what that show is about or if it's still on the air.

A gaggle of new stills and a teaser for "Dog Soldiers: Legacy", a new web series based on the 2002 Neil Marshall film, have popped up online thanks to Ryan Lightbourn. I say thanks because it looks kind of fun but if it turns out to be crap I'll take that thanks right away Mr. Lightbourn, if that is your real name. Anyway it looks like a sequel for the werewolf flick is also in the works so get excited. Or don't.. no skin off my back either way.

In Real People News: 

Now I'm not an expert on the subject but I'm thinking if you're going to be shooting kiddie porn on your camera you might not want to take it down to the local CVS for development. But here's a D.C. man who did just that. Who uses regular film anymore? Upgrade to digital buddy, it's what all the deviants are doing.

It's good to be proud of your daughters for winning a fight, I think. It's bad to video tape your two daughters fighting and posting it on the internet though. I know that because this Indiana woman went to jail for it. That's the only reason I know it to be honest.

Horror Headlines: Monday August 22nd, 2011

The new FX series "American Horror Story" has a new teaser this morning and I'm not 100% sure but I think someone slipped some shrooms in my muffin. The series follows a family that moves into a new house that appears to play on all of their deepest fears. From the video it looks like those fears are bursting into flames, people in rubber suits and slutty maids. The muffin was corn if you were wondering. And it was delicious.

Sometimes the demand for a movie is so great that not even the warmongers in Hollywood can stop it from happening. "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" is just such a film and today my friends we have the first trailer for the soon to be Oscar winning epic. Nic Cage with a giant burning skull riding around on a bike blowing crap up. Prepare for your eyes to shoot out of your head and start dry humping the computer screen.

There's a gaggle of Amityville movies lined up for the near future so it only makes sense that the folks at The Asylum would throw their hats in the ring. Yes the same company that bequeathed "Titanic 2" on us. The movie will be called "Amityville Haunted" and while no specific details have been released it sounds like the movie will have no real ties to the classic story.

"Weeds" star Mary-Louise Parker is the latest addition to the growing cast of "R.I.P.D". Based on the graphic novel of the same name the undead buddy cop flick has already got Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon in its roster. Parker will play the overseer of the secret undead agency, a role that was originally offered to Jodie Foster. I think I was next on the list after Parker so this is kind of a let down.

In Real People News: 

As a new parent I can confirm the fact that babies take up a ton of space. Not to mention all the crap you have to shove into your car every time you want to go to Hooters. Now try to pack all that crap into a pick up truck and you get a Florida woman riding around town with a baby in a stroller in the back of a pickup truck. Don't worry though it wasn't her baby, she was just babysitting. You don't put your own baby in that kind of danger. Oh and bonus points, the entire thing was caught on video.

I don't understand this one at all. A Illinois man is under arrest after he attacked his mother with a butcher knife after she offered to make him a sandwich. Who hates sandwiches so much that they attack anyone who offers them one? Who hates sandwiches? What the hell is wrong with the world?!

Horror Headlines: Tuesday July 26th, 2011

Throw another shrimp on the barbie my friends because it looks like the long awaited sequel to Greg McLean's 2005 Australian camper chop fest "Wolf Creek" is finally getting some funding. I haven't seen the original yet but it's currently sitting at 31 in my Netflix queue so that could change any month now. Check back for updates.

Get out your checkbook you shopaholic skanks because another "Friday the 13th" box set is on its way on October 8th. Much like every other set you've paid for this one will only include the films up to 8 but unlike the others it'll feature hockey mask packaging, collectible booklet and be limited to only 50,000 copies. Sorry about the skank comment.

The feel good hit of 2009 "Dead Hooker in a Trunk" is finally finding its way to VOD on August 3rd thanks for the fine people at IFC Midnight. For those of you not familiar with the family friendly hit it tells the tale of four friends whose plans for a fun night out get ruined when they discover a... wait for it... dead hooker in a trunk. Are you as turned on as I am right now? I'm sorry again about the skank thing.

If there is one movie that people have been demanding and begging for it's "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance", the sequel to the 2007 Oscar snubbed comic book adaptation staring Nic Cage. Well now the movie is in the works and today we've got our grubby little paws on a gaggle of new images from the soon to be classic. Man it's been the hottest news day ever today, hasn't it?

In Real People News: 

While I've never actually siphoned gas in my life I would assume that using a leaf blower to do it isn't the best idea. Unfortunately this Florida man didn't have my common sense and found himself engulfed in flames. Live and learn people.

And because we're not all doom and gloom around here I'm proud to report that the original Chuck E. Cheese in San Jose, California that opened back in 1977 has officially been added to The Registry of Historic Gaming. What that means I'm not 100% sure but I assume it has something to do with a ball room that's got about 2 inches of pee at the bottom of it.

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

We talk about Joe's feelings. ALL of them.

Podcast

So this one's quite the... head-scratcher...

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web