Sometimes I drink so much coffee that my mouth actually starts to get this weird sort of raw feeling to it. Like someone took sandpaper to my jaw at night and went to town. When that happens I have to stop drinking it for at least two days. During that time I'm a real prick because I love my morning coffee. It's kind of like I go on the rag. I just thought of that. Pretty clever if I do say so myself.
I don't think anyone is excited about the DVD release of "The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" but it's happening and it's my journalistic duty to tell you about the new box art that's been released for the ass-to-mouth opus. The hit goes on sale on Valentines day, of course, and will include director commentary, behind the scenes videos, deleted scenes and some other random goodies. And by goodies I mean stuff that will make you throw up in your mouth.
Speaking of DVD releases, it looks like the A&E miniseries "Bag of Bones", based on the Stephen King novel by the same name will be hitting shelves on March 13th. Which is surprising because I didn't realize it actually aired already. Right now it looks like the only special features being included are a couple of short features about the series, which focuses on a father wrapped up in a bitter custody battle after the death of his wife. So get ready for that hot box to hit... That's what she said.
The birth of my daughter, my wedding day and the release of "Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance". These are the three things I've been most excited about in my lifetime. I put them in that order only because I know my wife reads my news from time to time. So here's a new TV spot for the Nic Cage sequel that hits theaters on February 17th. I love you honey and I'm sorry... just about everything.
And here's a new clip from Ti West's "The Innkeepers" which has already found it's way onto VOD. If you're not up to speed on the flick it focuses on two innkeepers who try to prove their place of employment is haunted before it closes its doors for good. Anyone ever listen to that band Vison Of Disorder. I think about them every time I write about a movie that's hit VOD. Also that it's because of bands like them that I never got laid in High School.
In Real People News:
Life is rough on the streets and when you're a homeless man who happens to stumble upon a nice piece of steak you do what you have to in order to enjoy it. Like cut your fellow hobo companion's head off I guess. I don't know, I've pretty much been upper-middle class all my life.
If you haven't seen any of the Chipmunks movies then you're doing yourself a disservice. They're actually a lot of fun. So much fun that this guy in Chicago was so excited while watching the most recent flick that he dropped trow in the theater and showed the audience his nuts. Ya know, because chipmunks loves nuts. It's a pun you jerks.
If I had to list my favorite Afflecks in order of awesomeness Casey would for sure be in the top five. Think it over, I'll wait. Good, now that's your back I'd like to tell you about how Casey Affleck has now been cast in the new flick "Paradise Lost", an epic tale of archangels Michael and Lucifer battling it out and how this impacted the downfall of Adam and Eve. Affleck will play Gabriel and I'd appreciate it if someone who knows about bible stuff tells me if that's a good or a bad thing.
AMC has pulled the trigger on a new talk show that will air immediately following episodes of "The Walking Dead" this fall. The show will be called "The Talking Dead" (get it!?) and be hosted by comedian Chris Hardwick. The more projects this guy takes on the less hope I have for a "Love Line" reunion. Didn't you always want him and Jenny McCarthy to get together? But no that home wrecking tramp Carmen Electra had to come in and ruin it all. Curse you Electra!
Oh Tom Six, you sick sick SOB. Today we've got a new poster for his new film "The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" which looks to be a lot more human centipedey than the first one. Which I don't think is a good thing but it's something for sure. I don't know what to believe anymore.
And because you needed to see something that would make you want to overdose on some sort of cool drug the kids are doing that I don't know about here's the first full cast image from "Dark Shadows". For those of you not familiar with the original show it's some kind of vampire soap opera where none of the vampires twinkle in the sunlight. I think it was British too. That's a lot to take in isn't it? That's what she said.
In Real People News:
I knew this kind of crap happens! Here's an optometrist who's being brought up on charges because he put his penis on a girl's mouth while putting in her eye drops. God only knows what the dentist did to me while I was having my wisdom teeth out. I'm pretty sure them telling me they had to remove them rectally was bull crap.
Oh all the portable devices sure are fun aren't they? Why you can take your movies and fun anywhere these days. Like this guy who's going to jail because he lost his iPad and the person who found it decided to take a look around his hard drive and discovered a bunch of kiddie porn. Technology is super awesome.
Take "The Descent" and replace the monsters with creepy guys and add in more pillowing fighting and you've got "The Hike", a new horror flick from the UK that's got a sassy new trailer out for your viewing pleasure. Yes it looks a movie that's been done before but did I mention pillow fights? Alright the trailer doesn't really have any but I like to think it's going to happen... I've got a good feeling.
The good people behind "Super 8" have done an awesome job at not giving away the "big surprise" of the movie but mother of god over the past few days they've released enough clips to make me wonder if they give a crap anymore. Case in point is this new 6 minute chunk that's hit the tubes. I'm hoping by Friday they release the entire movie in clip form so I don't have to pay to see it. Keep your fingers crossed.
A gaggle of new "Conan the Barbarian" posters have been released and while I know the movie is going to be garbage I can't help but be excited. Except for the one that looks like a poster for a new gay porn, that one I won't get excited for, because that's not my thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that!
For those of you who thought the original "The Human Centipede" was too tame I've got some exciting news for your sick asses. Tom Six's second film in the series titled "The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" has officially been banned by the UK film board. Apparently it's full of all kinds of sexual deviant type activities and was just too graphic to receive any kind of rating. Are you turned on now? Yeah you are you sick SOB.
In Real People News:
Sometimes the stress of being a parent gets to be too much and you don't know what to do. So you turn to the same solution that these parents from Illinois did. In other words you give up and just leave yours kids on the side of the road. Then you go to jail. That last part probably wasn't part of the plan.