Sometimes I drink so much coffee that my mouth actually starts to get this weird sort of raw feeling to it. Like someone took sandpaper to my jaw at night and went to town. When that happens I have to stop drinking it for at least two days. During that time I'm a real prick because I love my morning coffee. It's kind of like I go on the rag. I just thought of that. Pretty clever if I do say so myself.
I don't think anyone is excited about the DVD release of "The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" but it's happening and it's my journalistic duty to tell you about the new box art that's been released for the ass-to-mouth opus. The hit goes on sale on Valentines day, of course, and will include director commentary, behind the scenes videos, deleted scenes and some other random goodies. And by goodies I mean stuff that will make you throw up in your mouth.
Speaking of DVD releases, it looks like the A&E miniseries "Bag of Bones", based on the Stephen King novel by the same name will be hitting shelves on March 13th. Which is surprising because I didn't realize it actually aired already. Right now it looks like the only special features being included are a couple of short features about the series, which focuses on a father wrapped up in a bitter custody battle after the death of his wife. So get ready for that hot box to hit... That's what she said.
The birth of my daughter, my wedding day and the release of "Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance". These are the three things I've been most excited about in my lifetime. I put them in that order only because I know my wife reads my news from time to time. So here's a new TV spot for the Nic Cage sequel that hits theaters on February 17th. I love you honey and I'm sorry... just about everything.
And here's a new clip from Ti West's "The Innkeepers" which has already found it's way onto VOD. If you're not up to speed on the flick it focuses on two innkeepers who try to prove their place of employment is haunted before it closes its doors for good. Anyone ever listen to that band Vison Of Disorder. I think about them every time I write about a movie that's hit VOD. Also that it's because of bands like them that I never got laid in High School.
In Real People News:
Life is rough on the streets and when you're a homeless man who happens to stumble upon a nice piece of steak you do what you have to in order to enjoy it. Like cut your fellow hobo companion's head off I guess. I don't know, I've pretty much been upper-middle class all my life.
If you haven't seen any of the Chipmunks movies then you're doing yourself a disservice. They're actually a lot of fun. So much fun that this guy in Chicago was so excited while watching the most recent flick that he dropped trow in the theater and showed the audience his nuts. Ya know, because chipmunks loves nuts. It's a pun you jerks.
Winter is officially here my friends! This entire week I've been wearing my snow pants to work in anticipation of the last final blizzard of 2011. Sure there's no reports of any such blizzard coming but still I like to be prepared. I also really like the swooshing sound the snow pants make when I walk around. And my ass looks great in them. So many reasons!
If you're as excited as I am for tonight's season finale of "American Horror Story" then you know what it's like to wet your pants at work and have all your coworkers laugh at you. Miserable I know. But the good people at FX have given us a special preview of tonight's episode to tide us over. So that makes up for the constant harassment you're going to receive for the next year. The nicknames, the laughing... the scratchy thighs.
Nick Swardson and TJ Miller have both been cast in a new animated comedy flick titled "Hell & Back". The two will voice characters who have to travel into the underworld to save a friend of theirs who was kidnapped and taken to the great below. The good news here? The flick is going to be rated R. So if you love cartoons who swear, and who doesn't, get ready to piss yourself again... Maybe it's time to get some adult diapers.
Eff yeah new poster for "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance". With Nic Cage all head on fire riding a bike with a giant chain whip. Eff ya indeed! Oh wait? you're in 3D too? You shouldn't have even bothered changing your pee pants!
Holy crap, have you ever seen a picture of "American History X" director Tony Kaye before? He looks like that crazy wizard guy who had the telescope and watched the two giant statues that shoot lasers in "The Never Ending Story". You know the one I'm talking about. Anyway he's being perused by the fine people at W2 Media to direct their new flick "Attachment", about a teacher who's one night stand with a student comes back to haunt her when he begins to date her daughter. If anyone can remember the guy's name I'd really appreciate you letting me know. This is going to bug me now.
The new FX series "American Horror Story" has a new teaser this morning and I'm not 100% sure but I think someone slipped some shrooms in my muffin. The series follows a family that moves into a new house that appears to play on all of their deepest fears. From the video it looks like those fears are bursting into flames, people in rubber suits and slutty maids. The muffin was corn if you were wondering. And it was delicious.
Sometimes the demand for a movie is so great that not even the warmongers in Hollywood can stop it from happening. "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" is just such a film and today my friends we have the first trailer for the soon to be Oscar winning epic. Nic Cage with a giant burning skull riding around on a bike blowing crap up. Prepare for your eyes to shoot out of your head and start dry humping the computer screen.
There's a gaggle of Amityville movies lined up for the near future so it only makes sense that the folks at The Asylum would throw their hats in the ring. Yes the same company that bequeathed "Titanic 2" on us. The movie will be called "Amityville Haunted" and while no specific details have been released it sounds like the movie will have no real ties to the classic story.
"Weeds" star Mary-Louise Parker is the latest addition to the growing cast of "R.I.P.D". Based on the graphic novel of the same name the undead buddy cop flick has already got Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon in its roster. Parker will play the overseer of the secret undead agency, a role that was originally offered to Jodie Foster. I think I was next on the list after Parker so this is kind of a let down.
In Real People News:
As a new parent I can confirm the fact that babies take up a ton of space. Not to mention all the crap you have to shove into your car every time you want to go to Hooters. Now try to pack all that crap into a pick up truck and you get a Florida woman riding around town with a baby in a stroller in the back of a pickup truck. Don't worry though it wasn't her baby, she was just babysitting. You don't put your own baby in that kind of danger. Oh and bonus points, the entire thing was caught on video.
Throw another shrimp on the barbie my friends because it looks like the long awaited sequel to Greg McLean's 2005 Australian camper chop fest "Wolf Creek" is finally getting some funding. I haven't seen the original yet but it's currently sitting at 31 in my Netflix queue so that could change any month now. Check back for updates.
Get out your checkbook you shopaholic skanks because another "Friday the 13th" box set is on its way on October 8th. Much like every other set you've paid for this one will only include the films up to 8 but unlike the others it'll feature hockey mask packaging, collectible booklet and be limited to only 50,000 copies. Sorry about the skank comment.
The feel good hit of 2009 "Dead Hooker in a Trunk" is finally finding its way to VOD on August 3rd thanks for the fine people at IFC Midnight. For those of you not familiar with the family friendly hit it tells the tale of four friends whose plans for a fun night out get ruined when they discover a... wait for it... dead hooker in a trunk. Are you as turned on as I am right now? I'm sorry again about the skank thing.
If there is one movie that people have been demanding and begging for it's "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance", the sequel to the 2007 Oscar snubbed comic book adaptation staring Nic Cage. Well now the movie is in the works and today we've got our grubby little paws on a gaggle of new images from the soon to be classic. Man it's been the hottest news day ever today, hasn't it?
In Real People News:
While I've never actually siphoned gas in my life I would assume that using a leaf blower to do it isn't the best idea. Unfortunately this Florida man didn't have my common sense and found himself engulfed in flames. Live and learn people.
And because we're not all doom and gloom around here I'm proud to report that the original Chuck E. Cheese in San Jose, California that opened back in 1977 has officially been added to The Registry of Historic Gaming. What that means I'm not 100% sure but I assume it has something to do with a ball room that's got about 2 inches of pee at the bottom of it.