the asylum

Horror Headlines: Monday August 22nd, 2011

The new FX series "American Horror Story" has a new teaser this morning and I'm not 100% sure but I think someone slipped some shrooms in my muffin. The series follows a family that moves into a new house that appears to play on all of their deepest fears. From the video it looks like those fears are bursting into flames, people in rubber suits and slutty maids. The muffin was corn if you were wondering. And it was delicious.

Sometimes the demand for a movie is so great that not even the warmongers in Hollywood can stop it from happening. "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" is just such a film and today my friends we have the first trailer for the soon to be Oscar winning epic. Nic Cage with a giant burning skull riding around on a bike blowing crap up. Prepare for your eyes to shoot out of your head and start dry humping the computer screen.

There's a gaggle of Amityville movies lined up for the near future so it only makes sense that the folks at The Asylum would throw their hats in the ring. Yes the same company that bequeathed "Titanic 2" on us. The movie will be called "Amityville Haunted" and while no specific details have been released it sounds like the movie will have no real ties to the classic story.

"Weeds" star Mary-Louise Parker is the latest addition to the growing cast of "R.I.P.D". Based on the graphic novel of the same name the undead buddy cop flick has already got Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon in its roster. Parker will play the overseer of the secret undead agency, a role that was originally offered to Jodie Foster. I think I was next on the list after Parker so this is kind of a let down.

In Real People News: 

As a new parent I can confirm the fact that babies take up a ton of space. Not to mention all the crap you have to shove into your car every time you want to go to Hooters. Now try to pack all that crap into a pick up truck and you get a Florida woman riding around town with a baby in a stroller in the back of a pickup truck. Don't worry though it wasn't her baby, she was just babysitting. You don't put your own baby in that kind of danger. Oh and bonus points, the entire thing was caught on video.

I don't understand this one at all. A Illinois man is under arrest after he attacked his mother with a butcher knife after she offered to make him a sandwich. Who hates sandwiches so much that they attack anyone who offers them one? Who hates sandwiches? What the hell is wrong with the world?!

Horror Headlines: Thursday August 4th, 2011

I'm not sure who is excited about "Final Destination 5" right now. I sure as crap know 5 podcasters who are miserable about it's upcoming release. But for those of you looking forward to it's final destinations there's a whole boat load of new posters for your viewing pleasure. I think they might be in Russian though. I have no idea. What language uses a backwards 3 as a letter? I want to party with those guys.

I've beat the silly Italian accent into the ground when describing any sort of horror flick that's been put out by those pizza tossers so I'm going to take the high road on this one. "Morituris", which has a new trailer, is about a group of Roman soldiers who return from the grave to kick the cannolis out of anyone they come in contact with. Not going to lie it looks kind of bad ass. But I might just be fooled by the hot lix in whatever song is playing during the trailer. I'm a sucker for crappy shredding.

I'm positive that "The Darkest Hour" takes place in Russia although I didn't see any backwards 3's in the new trailer so I'm still kind of confused about the "Final Destination 5" posters. The movie doesn't come out until December but from the trail my spidey senses are all a flutter with excitement. It follows 5 tourists trapped in Moscow during an alien invasion of some sort of creepy weird light that turns everything into dust. I realize this sounds ridiculous but watch the trailer, you'll get strange tingles in new places too.

Never let it be said that the people at The Asylum don't come up with some of the weirdest crap to ever hit the straight to DVD selves. Their latest masterpiece is "2 Headed Shark Attack" which is about, as if you couldn't have guessed, a 2 headed shark that attacks a school-at-sea boat. No news on casting yet but they're shooting for a early 2012 release date. I can't wait for the sequel. I need to see a 3 headed shark attack.

In Real People News: 

I'm not a big pet person but you seriously have to be a cold hearted prick to kick a puppy so hard it's leg has to be amputated. I mean I can see a fully grown dog but a puppy? There's a special spot in hell for people like that.

And it looks like the puppy guy will have some company down there because here's a guy in Michigan who's facing 15 year in prison for stomping his girlfriend's Yorkshire terrier to death. Anyone else feel like eating a bag of Fig Newtons and crying uncontrollably right now?

Paranormal Entity (REVIEW)

Late last year the horror world became abuzz with the release of “Paranormal Activity”. Shot completely in POV style, the movie captured the attention of a lot of movie watchers and scared a good many of them. Naturally, when a horror movie comes along that generates a ton of buzz and box office cash, The Asylum is going to pay close attention and try and spin off their own feature. Thus is the story behind their film Paranormal Entity. Absolutely nothing is changed here as far as what counts.

Mega Piranha Trailer

Maybe it's just me, but "Mega Piranha" looks Mega Amazing! Actually, I'm pretty sure it's just me. Regardless, you have Tiffany and Barry Williams, acting together at last! What more could you want? I can tell you. Giant fish eating helicopters.

In case you couldn't tell by the amazing quality showcased above, "Mega Piranha" is an original Asylum joint and debuted on Syfy Channel this past Saturday. I'm truly sad I missed it. Well, sad's a strong word.

Trailer: "Paranormal Entity"... No Seriously

Well that was quick, "Paranormal Activity" isn't even out on DVD yet and it already has a rip off film coming. "Paranormal Entity" is apparently actual footage of events that led up to the murder of… oh Christ you know the story. The movie is brought to you by the same fine people who created "Snakes On A Train" and "The Terminators"... see what they're doing here. Check out the trailer below and do yourself a favor and avoid it next week when it comes to DVD.

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