kevin smith

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 9th, 2011

Despite my undying hatred for Kevin Smith, "Red State" actually looks pretty good, and it kills me to say that. Well to keep the ball rolling Mrs. Smith (see what I did there) released a new clip to the fine people at MTV. Because if you want to stay indie, you go to the channel that brought you "The Grind".

Rosamund Pike, who has a stupid name but was apparently in "Doom" so I like her, has been added to the cast of the "Clash of the Titans" sequel currently titled "Wrath of the Titans". The movie will be bad but it's got the girl with the stupid name who was in "Doom" so maybe it'll make me think of The Rock, the wrestler not the movie, and it'll make me happy and I'll like it. That's logic people, logic all over your face.

Victor Salva is the guy responsible for ruining my senior year by making the movie "Powder", bald pale white guys aren't all freaks, people! Now he's got a new movie titled "Rosewood Lane" that has just cast Rose McGowen. If this one turns out to be about a guy with a mild drinking problem and horrible grammar who sits on NJ transit for 2 hours a day I'm going to think Victor has it out for me.

Suck on that "Snakes on a Plane"! David R. Ellis has topped you for best movie name ever. He wants to release his new film under the title "Untitled 3D Shark Thriller". Try to guess what the movie is about and what dimension it'll be shown is. I bet you guess right. If you didn't you might want to get that looked at.

In Real People News: 

Kids, they do the darnedest things. Like these three students in Ohio that set a kid's hair on fire while riding the bus home from school. At least I think it was on the way home, that's an awful way to start the day. It's not really a great way to end it either but ya know.

Sometimes the urge calls and there's no stopping it. A Florida teen was arrested for breaking into a business recently because he stopped to look at porn on a company computer. It's his own fault though, apparently he was just pulling his pants up when the police got there. I'm guess it took them at least 15 minutes to get the call and get there. This guy is doing something wrong.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday February 1st, 2011

Sir Kevin Smith plans on trimming about 10 minutes of film from "Red State" before he hits the road on March 5th to screen the film to select audiences. With ticket prices for the screenings running anything from $50 to $125 I'm going to go ahead and say I don't give a crap how bad the movie is you leave in every freakin second of it before it turns out people are paying 100 bucks for a crappy 12 minute opus.

Wait a second isn't there already a remake of "Mother's Day" coming out"? What the hell is "Father's Day"? Where did this teaser come from? Who are these people? What are you doing Troma? Father get raped in this movie? What the hell is going on!? Where am I?

Good news everyone in Chicago, "Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong" will premier there on 4/20 (get it!?) and will feature "Sniff-O-Rama". What that pretty much means is the good people from Full Moon will give out a bunch of scratch-n-sniff cards when you go to see the movie and you can pretend like you're in the movie. I'm just guessing here but I'm thinking 95% of the cards will smell like weed.

What's got two thumbs and is only 85% sarcastic about being excited for "The Roommate" this Friday? This guy! Try not being fired up after checking out the 3 news clips from the movie that have hit the tubes. Just try you monsters!

In Real People News: 

I've always been grossed out by free samples at grocery stores and here's proof I'm not crazy. A women in New Mexico claims she was given semen instead of the yogurt sample she expected recently at her local market. Apparently she recognized the taste immediately and spit the sample out. There's just too many jokes to be made here that I can't possibly choose one.

And here's a women from Florida who thought she was buying a novelty lighter that turned out to in fact be a real grenade. I had the same thing happen to me in high school when I went to light my smokes and ended up shooting three of the neighbors dogs.

Horror Headlines: Thursday December 30th, 2010

Even though "Death Race 2" hasn't hit shelves yet the good people at Universal are already planning a third installment to the series. I like this kind of confidence in a film. If only more people had the cahones like these guys and the people making all the "Lake Placid" movies then maybe the world wouldn't be in such bad shape right now.

The fellas that brought you "Open Water" will premiere their new film "Silent House" at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival. The flick is based on a Uruguayan movie and is described as a "descent into madness". In other news I have no idea where Uruguay is and was clueless to the fact that they have electricity there let alone film equipment.

Dear lord I don't want to make thise joke because I assume every other site is doing it but it's just to damn easy. Vincent Pastore of "The Sopranos" and Jasmin St. Claire of a gazillion porn movies plan on staring in a new zombie flick titled "Blood Lodge". You see it's funny because he played Big Pussy and she... well, ya know. Teehee!

Kevin Smith has decided he will only do Podcast and Radio interviews for his upcoming film "Red State" because he can do those from home and he's gotten way to big to travel to any TV studios. And when I say big I mean fat. And yes I am BSing about the second part. So please Kevin Smith, don't deny your fans the chance to gaze upon your giant head and chicken wing sauce stained beard. Don't be so cruel.

In Real People News: 

A man in South Carolina was taken to the hospital after being hit by an SUV while playing a real life game of Frogger. The good news is he still has two lives left so everything should be cool.

And here's a man in Oklahoma City who's being arrested for murder after he shot his wife. Why did he do it? Well apparently the Mrs. and him liked to role play with the gun while doing the nasty. I'm not sure if the gun being loaded was part of the fun but I'm guessing it probably shouldn't have been.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday December 21st, 2010

I had all these fun sarcastic things to say about the new trailer for "Black Death" but I just don't have it in me. This red band sucker has witches, people getting poked with spikes and all around Medieval nastiness. Unfortunately now I just feel like I need a shower and I'd like to take a nap.

All kinds of hot pics have hit the tubes from the soon to be classic "Dead Race 2". Yes it's direct to DVD and no there's no Jason Statham but hey they still have cars in the movie with machine guns and stuff. That's still something, right?

Two new posters for Kevin Smith's "Red State" have been released and about as fun as shooting a toothless hog outside of a trailer hitch. Or at least that's what I assume the people in those posters would say. maybe something about vittles. Point being they look like they're a product of inbreeding. Get it?

In case you've been up all night wondering if Heather Morris from "Glee" is actually being considered for the role of Buffy in the upcoming re-make/re-boot/re-whogivesashit then I'm happy to report you can finally sleep. She is being considered. Happy now?

In Real People News: 

Here's a story about a dog in Germany who gave birth to 17 puppies! I have no idea if this is uncommon but I assume that if people write about it then it's weird. I can't imagine they would write stories about a dog who gives birth to one extra puppy or something.

And just in time for the holidays here's a story about a Yacht Club bar in Rhode Island that was robbed by a guy dressed up as Santa. This all sounds very classy and sad at the same time.

Horror Headlines: Friday December 3rd, 2010

Here's a bunch of new pictures from "Red State" that have hit the nets. For those of you not in the know "Red State" is the new Kevin Smith horror flick that will apparently not include any of the haha. Sounds like all his other films! Booyah, I'm on today,

Here's a bunch of new images from "I Saw the Devil" which unfortunately, don't show the actual devil. But from the look on people's faces it looks like maybe they did see the devil so I am going to keep my fingers crossed that at some point I will see the devil in this film... DEVIL.

Dustin Runnels AKA Goldust from the good old WWE will be directing and producing his first horror film titled "The Fire Witch". No idea what the movie will actually be about but my guess is it has something to do with fire and probably at least one witch.

Remember Anne Rice? Me too! Wow we should do a checklist of all the other things we have in common. Anyway Anne is hoping for a reboot of her "The Vampire Chronicles" film, probably because vampires are so hot right now and she's fallen on hard times. I heard she spends her days at the local food kitchen. That's not confirmed though.

In Real People News: 

Ever wanted to own Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin? Me neither but somebody does because the casket will be auctioned off in LA and the bidding starts at $1,000. The only bummer is that he's not still in there though.

And to round out the week here's a women in Spain who claims she now owns the sun. Feel free to make your own jokes about this one.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday November 30th, 2010

Congratulations makers of "Black Swan". You found a way to make a minute long video of Natalie Portman dancing around the most unattractive thing I've ever seen. Here's what I assume the direction for this was like. "YES! That was good, now do it one more time with more German in your eyes. Ya! Das ist gut mein fraulein!"

Just when you think there's no good left in the world you find out that "The Walking Dead" scored 5.6 million viewers this past Sunday. This is actually more than the pilot episode and all signs point to this Sunday's season finale doing even better. If "Glee" ends up getting canceled my entire outlook on life is going to change.

For those of you who didn't get a chance to see "Hatchet II" before America flexed its biceps and yanked it from theaters, you're in luck. The slasher flick will get an On Demand release on December 1st and more importantly be available on countless torrent sites by the end of the week. I can't be the only one who wants to see the makers of this movie end up homeless. Somebody else chime in here!

Kevin Smith plans on screening his new creepy flick "Red State" at Sundance in 2011 and apparently wants to immediately auction off distribution rights after the screening. People of Hollywood I am speaking to you directly now. I've never asked you for anything but for this I will beg. Please, when that no talent overrated pile of turds starts the bidding please please please don't bid. I want to see what it looks like when a human actually cries cake frosting and this may be my only chance.

In Real People News: 

I've said this a thousand times and now I have proof. Pennsylvania has the worst drivers in the world and this girl who actually managed to get her truck up in a tree is living proof. Sometimes it's boring being right all the time... but not this time.

This might be the quickest I've ever gone from excited to disappointed in my life. Here's how my thought process went as I skimmed this article. Holy crap they are going to announce that aliens are real? At a Ramada Inn? That's kind of weird. Oh crap, it's a 65 year old man who prayed to Jesus to send him a snowball with proof. Crap.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 15th, 2010

According to the twitterverse Kevin Pollak has signed on to the cast of Kevin Smith's "Red State". The film is about a group of kids who encounter a gang of crazed fundamentalists in middle America. The good news? No mention of Jay or Silent Bob in the cast list

Gore Verbinski, the guy who directed all the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, still wants to make a "Bioshock" film and he's willing to murder to make it happen. Alright he probably won't go that far but he's super into making it happen. So into it he would kill! Sorry.

What's better than 6 new clips from "Let Me In"? How about 8! You guessed 7 didn't you? Of course if the movie sucks 0 would be the correct number. Either way there's a lot of math going on here and I need a nap.

Why wouldn't you do a 3D remake of the 1977 film "Kingdom of the Spiders"? Well alright there's really a long list of reasons but at this point who gives a crap. 3D is freakin awesome! Bring on the spiders and whatnot.

Magnet Releasing, which is a part of Magnolia Pictures has acquired the North American distribution rights to "Chawz". If you couldn't guess by the title the Korean film is about a giant crazed pig terrorizing a peaceful countryside. My mistake, there's no way you could have guessed what this movie is about.

In Real People News: 

Two new procedures have been approved by the FDA to help fight obesity. Both break down fat cells by cooling them to the point of no return and flushing them from your body. I look forward to the next release where it warms the fat into a creamy dip for chips and crackers.

On this day in history: 

1982 - Iran's former foreign minister, Sadegh Ghotbzadeh, was executed after he was convicted of plotting against the government

Horror Headlines: Wednesday August 11th, 2010

"Automaton Transfusion" director Steven C. Miller talks about his entry for the new "After Dark Originals" line, "Scream of the Banshee". Starring Lauren Holly, the film is described as an old school monster movie and hopes to be the anchor to the new addition to the "After Dark 8 Films to Die For" family.

I'm sure you've been waiting for the return of the lesser known Duff sister Haley to the big screen. Worry no more as Haley Duff is in talks to star in the upcoming thriller "Cousin Sarah", a story of somebody's weird cousin moving to town where unexplained events start happening. Here's hoping her already signed co-star Jason Mewes lands the title roll of 'Cousin Sarah'.

The official plot details for Kevin Smith's upcoming "Red State" have appeared online and it looks passable! Centered around a Fred Phelps like evangelist, the movie hopes to show a new kind of 'extreme fundamentalism'.

Are you a big fan of Netflix and their handy streaming video service? Get ready to like it even more as the company has struck a deal with Paramount, Lionsgate and MGM Studios. Quite simply, there's going to be even more fun stuff to watch while wasting time at work!

In Real People News: 

An Auckland woman left her infant in the bath in hopes that he would drown, due to her claims of being unable to cope with two children. After pulling his body from the bath, she made sure to login to Facebook and do some web surfing before bothering to tell her husband that their baby had died.

A British woman on vacation in the Swiss Alps decided it would be fun to take a tour of the Gorges Alpins, a popular route that is traversed by rope bridges and zip lines. The group had a lot of fun until the woman decided she didn't need to use the safety rope used for braking on the zip lines and slammed face first into the side of a cliff, killing her instantly.

On this day in history: 

1772 - The summit of Papandayan volcano in West Java suddenly implodes, unleashing a catastrophic debris avalanche which blankets an area of 250 square km. Tumbling boulders flatten 40 villages and their 2,957 inhabitants.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday March 14th, 2010

Everybody's been talking about the upcoming "Scream IV". With the original creative team involved, it has the potential to be good. Things could be taking a turn for the odd however as sources say they are now in talks to bring Jamie Kennedy back for the reunion. As for how, nobody is certain yet. Could he be a zombie? An evil twin? At this point in the game, he could easily play his original character Randy's chubbier dad!

While still firmly in the 'non-news' category, original "Jaws" producer Richard Zanuck still has a few words to say that might make your stomachs turn. In a recent L.A. Times article, Zanuck talks about how he and Spielberg met a few years back about bringing the original film back to theaters with updates effects and tacked on 3D graphics. Sadly, Zanuck still thinks this would be a great idea.

Kevin Smith is finally getting around to working on his long talked about "Red State" horror feature. Recently, he sat down with the folks at Film School Rejects to discuss a few details about the film. Likening the plot and feel of the movie to that of "Race With the Devil", a 1975 film about cultists chasing hapless tourists, he promises you can replace the devil worshipers with christian fundamentalists!

In Real People News: 

A West Virginia man is facing animal cruelty charges as police discover he was playing amateur cryogenics lab in his pet shop. Upon investigation, police found six kittens, one dog, five mice, one reptile and 10 rats frozen alive in his back room.

Despite his latest turn as a real life police officer for reality television, Stephen Seagal his headed to court. He has been accused of using his personal assistant as his personal sex toy. In addition to her, she claims that he also had two Russian attendants on staff for when he was feeling a bit randy.

On this day in history: 

1865 - President Abraham Lincoln receives a cranial gunshot wound from the nation's most famous actor, John Wilkes Booth. Lincoln dies the following day, primarily from ill-advised attempts to extract the bullet lodged in his brain.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday March 24th, 2010

Wes Craven is a busy man this month! Rogue Pictures has announced that they will release his next film "My Soul to Take" on October 29th. Here's hoping that grand master Wes can give us horror fans a better Halloween treat than 'Yet Another Saw Movie'.

Lars von Trier has let it be known that he will next be visiting the end of the world with his apocalyptic thriller "Melancholia". Few details are certain at this time but early rumors claim that the movie will involve Earth colliding with another planet. So far, there has been no mention on whether or no Willem Dafoe's penis will make an appearance or not.

"Alice in Wonderland" scribe Linda Wolverton is working on a live action "Maleficent" screen play. If you're currently scratching your head, Maleficent is the evil queen from Disney's 1956 classic "Sleeping Beauty". Even stranger, Tim Burton is said to have taken keen interest in the project and may be lining up to direct.

After finally un-wedging his bulk from the seats of Soutwest Air, Kevin Smith lets it be known via his twitter account that they are finally ready to begin on "Red State". From Smith, "Looks like we start shooting this July. Took nearly three years, but we're finally ready to roll on Red".

In Real People News: 

A 62 year old Hong Kong man was fed up with life, and poor health decided to take his life in what he claimed were the ancient ways of his ancestors; by shoving a large zucchini into his rectum. His daughter was surprised when she came home to find him writing in pain on the floor, bleeding from the anus.

Cheaters never win and sore losers are never fun. Sometimes, people are just better than you. Frustrated after getting 'pwned' in Counter Strike at a local net cafe, a swearing gamer stabbed his 17 year old opponent in the head with a large kitchen knife when he suspected the 17 year old was cheating. "IM IN UR BASE, STABBIN UR DOODS"

On this day in history: 

1973 - Lou Reed is bitten in the ass by a rabid fan while onstage in Buffalo.

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