josh brolin

Oldboy (REVIEW)

Of all the horror films to be remade in recent years “Oldboy” is probably the one I would think American studios wouldn't want to touch with a ten-foot pole. It’s an incredibly dark, violent, mean-spirited, and shocking film whose finale involves a taboo that American audiences would find revolting. Even though mainstream studios, for whatever reason, are completely stuck in the remake trend, this was an idea that felt so bad I felt compelled to watch just out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Horror Headlines: Monday August 5th, 2013

I had to stop at the grocery store this past thursday on my way home from work. As I walked through the front door I was immediately greeted by a middle aged man hunched over gagging while an employee of the store was standing behind him giving the Heimlich maneuver. The guy who was choking looked up, locked eyes with me and then after three good thrusts shot out a giant piece of peach onto the ground. The point of this story is if you steal fruit from the grocery store and eat it eventually the powers that be will punish you.

FX CEO John Landgraf has sent down word from the mountains that "The Strain", a new series based on Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampire trilogy, will be no more than 5 seasons. The show will follow a small group of rebels trying to take down a vampire empire that has taken over the world. The reason for the 5 season limit is that the shows creators are already putting it out there that the show will end with the same finale as the books, which is good news. This combined with the solid nights sleep I got last night is really starting off the week on a good foot.

Remember Alexandra Breckenridge in the first season of "American Horror Story"? Yeah, she was the slutty maid. I know! She was my favorite too. Well good news folks, she'll be returning to the show for it's third season which is being titled "American Horror Story: Coven". No word yet on what role she'll be playing but the season is suppose to be set around a group of spooky witches... I think. Really I'm just hoping for slutty witches.

I've never seen "Akira", I don't know what it's about and Japanimation in general confuses and frightens me. Apparently a live action version of the film(?) has been kicking around for a while and now "Orphan" director Jaume Collet-Serra has been attached to the project and it's officially moving forward. I bet those whack jobs dressed up like giant robots I saw walking outside the Rosemont convention center on my way to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill are all excited about this. Or angry. I don't really understand any of this.

"House of Flying Daggers" director Zhang Yimou has officially been confirmed to be taking on the "Hunchback of Notre Dame" remake, which has also officially been confirmed I guess. Josh Brolin is set to start in the film, which is the retelling of the classic tale of Quasimodo and the main reason I grew to love Gypsies as a child. Well this story and Cher. Mostly Cher.

In Real People News: 

When a sex offender moves into your neighborhood you're immediately worried about the kids. The dogs on the other hand, I never would have thought to worry about the dogs. Of course this is Florida, and looking outside to see your neighbor and your dog going at it is probably not that uncommon.

A 12 year old boy robbing a lemonade stand with a BB gun sounds just down right adorable doesn't it? Wait no, terrible. It's terrible. He's being charged with armed robbery, which is terrible. Oh man, did he have a little tiny ski mask on? Don't tell me, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

If you remember a short while back I filled you in on the fact that Spike Lee would be directing the US remake of "Oldboy". Well now it looks like the project has a leading man in the form of Mr. Josh Brolin. Oh you don't remember how I told you about Spike Lee? You've had other things on your mind lately? That's fine... work late again. I guess I'll eat this entire pot roast by myself.

The closer we get to the release of "Apollo 18" the more I think this movie is going to bore the hell out of me. These new clips from the space found footage flick don't do much to ease my worries. There's a footprint or something, some guys looking serious inside a shuttle and an advertisement for The Game's new album. The last part actually sounds kind of good. Just saying... I'm pretty thug.

William Monahan, who won an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay for "The Departed" a few years back as been taped to direct "Sin City 2" by producers Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller. I'm not 100% sure what "Best Adapted Screenplay" is but it sounds like a fancy way of saying he used the "Save As" function in some kind of Hollywood version of Microsoft Word. I've got to get my hands on that version. I need an Oscar so bad it hurts.

I had no idea there was a new "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" movie coming but it looks like there is and according to co-writer Scott Z. Burns the film will bare little resemblance to the original book. Because ya know, it was such a pile of crap and we can only hope that Burns along with the 5 other people listed as writing this can salvage something from it. Next I hope they take a crack at "Gone With the Wind", that sucker needs some help.

In Real People News: 

How awesome would it be to see your gym teacher get tased by the police? Well a group of kids in north Carolina lived that dream when their coach apparently started choking a student and fought with a group of parents. Of course my gym teachers are probably all dead by now so that wouldn't be very awesome. We'd have to dig them all up and crap before we ever thought about tasing.

New Jersey in the house! Here's a heartwarming tale of a NJ doctor who apparently lost her shit on her 13 year old adopted daughter and stabbed her with a screwdriver over 100 times because the little bugger washed the dog's cloths wrong. We do not play in Jersey! We take out animals outfits seriously.

Horror Headlines: Monday May 10th, 2010

The literary mash-up trend is nearing overkill as author Alan Goldsher sells the rights to his upcoming Beatles zombie novel "Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion". The book is due out in June yet film rights are already sold. How many more trendy merging's will we see before this fad dies out?

I hope you're ready for an all new family friendly hip hop theme song because Will Smith has signed on for an all new "Men In Black 3D" feature. Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin are in final talks as the project starts to take shape.

Speaking of sequel news, here's one I know you've all been waiting for! Full Moon pictures, home of Charles Band and his wacky puppets, has announced "Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver"! No word on if Busey will make a return to his most famous roll ever or not. (See what I did there?)

In Real People News: 

On a somewhat serious note, the FCC has decided to let the MPAA add DRM to TV shows controlling what devices you are allowed to play your recordings on. Always remember; big brother is watching you.

One person in Northhampton is going to hell; it would appear upon checking the victims ID that they had struck Lord Jesus Christ with their car as he crossed the street. Although bruised and a bit battered, thankfully Lord Jesus Christ wasn't permanently injured or crucified.

On this day in history: 

1941 - Running out of fuel and unable to find a suitable spot to land his Messerschmitt, Deputy Fuhrer Rudolf Hess bails out over Scotland. When Hess claims to have made the trip in order to negotiate a peace treaty with England, the Nazis declare that he was a psychotic who "lived in a state of hallucination." After the war, Hess is confined to Spandau Prison until his apparent suicide in 1987.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday April 21st, 2010

TBS has made a lot of waves lately with their recent Conan O'Brian announcement, but that's not the only news the soon to be major cable player has up its sleeve. In June, they will be bringing us a bit of animated horror comedy with their newly announced series "Neighbors from Hell". Think your neighbors are bad? They can't be as bad as the Hellmans, hailing straight from the netherworld. Hellmans... get it?

The promotions for the Robert Rodriguez sequel "Predators" continues to ramp up with new shots and character profiles. The latest character profile is on Isabella, played by Michelle Rodriguez.

The first high res shots of Josh Brolin as "Jonah Hex" have appeared online. Looking true to character, I still think the movie would be more exciting if we didn't have to mention it also starred Megan Fox.

In Real People News: 

Justin.tv makes the news this week as a 19 year old San Francisco male broadcasts his suicide to hundreds of spectators. Feeling guilty for egging him on, the forum moderator where the 19 year old left his suicide note called the local authorities as the viewers watched the police break in on camera to recover the body.

Lake Tahoe police feared a terrorist event when they caught a 60 year old man parked in a no parking zone. During their investigation, they found a wire with an attached on/off switch in his pocket leading to his anal cavity. It turns out, the wire just lead to the man's vibrating butt plug.

On this day in history: 

1910 - American original Mark Twain dies of heart failure in Redding, CT.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday March 9th, 2010

Universal Studios is toying with a new attraction, namely a new 3D King Kong ride named "Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World". Here's hoping for more 3D Naomi Watts and less 3D Jack Black.

Straight from the 'a sequel to what?' news desk; directory Harry Bromly Davenport let slip that he will be releasing a sequel to 1983's "Xtro". On the bright side, it's an actual sequel and not a remake!

Columbia Pictures is starting up the "Men in Black 3" hype machine as they begin to throw around names for the planned sequel. Thrown around so far are Josh Brolin, Sascha Baron Cohen and Jemaine Clement of "Flight of the Conchords" fame. None of these names are a lock however, just a listing of who the studio hopes to snag.

Nerd goddess Felicia Day has signed on to Syfy's "Red", a modern day retelling of "Little Read Riding Hood". Swap out the innocence of a little girl going to see her granny with Day's family who makes their living hunting werewolves and that's your plot.

In Real People News: 

Wang Cuyun was a simple grandmother trying to prevent a demolition team from tearing down her house. Her plan worked well until a member of the crew beat her with a stick, dumped her unconscious body into a ditch, then buried her alive with a bulldozer. Sadly, Ms. Cuyun didn't survive the ordeal.

Prince William's comely girlfriend Kate Middleton failed her first test for her future of protecting the crown jewels. After the Prince gave her a pair of antique pearl studs for her birthday, she found herself sifting through dog poop trying to find them when her pet cocker spaniel swallowed them whole.

On this day in history: 

1997 - Notorious B.I.G. (Christopher Wallace) killed in a drive-by outside the Soul Train Music Awards in Los Angeles.

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