akira

Horror Headlines: Monday August 5th, 2013

I had to stop at the grocery store this past thursday on my way home from work. As I walked through the front door I was immediately greeted by a middle aged man hunched over gagging while an employee of the store was standing behind him giving the Heimlich maneuver. The guy who was choking looked up, locked eyes with me and then after three good thrusts shot out a giant piece of peach onto the ground. The point of this story is if you steal fruit from the grocery store and eat it eventually the powers that be will punish you.

FX CEO John Landgraf has sent down word from the mountains that "The Strain", a new series based on Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampire trilogy, will be no more than 5 seasons. The show will follow a small group of rebels trying to take down a vampire empire that has taken over the world. The reason for the 5 season limit is that the shows creators are already putting it out there that the show will end with the same finale as the books, which is good news. This combined with the solid nights sleep I got last night is really starting off the week on a good foot.

Remember Alexandra Breckenridge in the first season of "American Horror Story"? Yeah, she was the slutty maid. I know! She was my favorite too. Well good news folks, she'll be returning to the show for it's third season which is being titled "American Horror Story: Coven". No word yet on what role she'll be playing but the season is suppose to be set around a group of spooky witches... I think. Really I'm just hoping for slutty witches.

I've never seen "Akira", I don't know what it's about and Japanimation in general confuses and frightens me. Apparently a live action version of the film(?) has been kicking around for a while and now "Orphan" director Jaume Collet-Serra has been attached to the project and it's officially moving forward. I bet those whack jobs dressed up like giant robots I saw walking outside the Rosemont convention center on my way to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill are all excited about this. Or angry. I don't really understand any of this.

"House of Flying Daggers" director Zhang Yimou has officially been confirmed to be taking on the "Hunchback of Notre Dame" remake, which has also officially been confirmed I guess. Josh Brolin is set to start in the film, which is the retelling of the classic tale of Quasimodo and the main reason I grew to love Gypsies as a child. Well this story and Cher. Mostly Cher.

In Real People News: 

When a sex offender moves into your neighborhood you're immediately worried about the kids. The dogs on the other hand, I never would have thought to worry about the dogs. Of course this is Florida, and looking outside to see your neighbor and your dog going at it is probably not that uncommon.

A 12 year old boy robbing a lemonade stand with a BB gun sounds just down right adorable doesn't it? Wait no, terrible. It's terrible. He's being charged with armed robbery, which is terrible. Oh man, did he have a little tiny ski mask on? Don't tell me, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Horror Headlines: Thursday February 11th, 2009

Good news for fans of "The Book of Eli" and "From Hell": Sibling directors The Hughes Brothers are slated to lense the live-action adaptation of Katsuhiro Otomo's graphic novel "Akira". I tap my chin worriedly, though I am intrigued by the idea. I also like Vanilla Coke, so go figure.

Thanks to the fine, opportunistic folks working behind-the-scenes at Sony Pictures, James Cameron's underwater epic "Pirahna II: The Spawning" will arrive on DVD this April. If you ever get the opportunity to procure Cameron's autograph, be sure to bring your copy of the film along for the ride. I'm sure he'll appreciate the joke.

Speaking of DVD release dates, E1 Entertainment has picked up North American distribution rights for director Fruit Chan's ambitious remake of Hideo Nakata's supernatural freakshow "Don't Look Up." The film stars Henry Thomas, and Kevin Corrigan, and Eli Roth. Yes, I said Eli Roth. Got a problem with that?

In Real People News: 

Although I'm honestly not that surprised, it turns out that grandmothers enjoy smoking crack before embarking on a high-speed police chases. I've also heard that AARP gives unbelievable discounts on illegal narcotics to all its card-carrying members. I can't wait to get old!

Grandfathers, on the other hand, are a little different. Instead of drugs and violence, they prefer to flush stink bombs down toilets and spray so-called "fart spray" inside Wal-Marts. I suppose its beats the old "pull my finger" routine, though not by much.

On this day in history: 

2006 - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shoots Harry Whittington in the face during a hunting trip gone painfully awry.

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