Gemma Arterton

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 22nd, 2013

Platinum Dunes always reminds me of a cheesy porn company name. Then it reminds me of Michael Bay. Then it reminds me of how much of a prick Michael Bay is. Then it reminds me that "Bad Boys" 1 and 2 are pretty awesome so he isn't all bad. Then it reminds me that I'm suppose to be talking about "Almanac", a new time travel found footage flick that the Dune boys are going to be producing. Then it reminds me that sometimes I ramble on about nothing at all. I like jelly beans.

If you've seen the trailer for "The Purge" then you're probably just as giddy with excitement as I am. Unless you're some sort of jerk who doesn't enjoy watching a movie about a family trying to survive the one night a year when there are no laws. See how I worked in the plot there? Well you're going to have to wait an extra week because the film's release date has been pushed from May 31st to June 7th. That should give you an extra week to try to fit into that new swimsuit you just bought. Oh you, you look good in everything.

Gemma Arterton and Anna Kendrick have both been added to the cast of "The Voices", a new supernatural flick staring Ryan Reynolds. In the film Reynolds plays a factory worker who accidentally kills an attractive woman and starts to take advice on how to cover his tracks from his cat and dog. Wait no that can't be right. Alright who slipped me peyote again!?

"Hatchet 3" is set to hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 13. We're three films in, I've run out of sarcastic comments to make about these movies. Just make up your own from now on.

In Real People News: 

A 22 year old Florida woman is under arrest after she reportedly yanked her boyfriend's penis in a violent manner after an argument. You can probably make your own jokes here really.

Ever heard the saying, "Who pissed in your coffee"? No me either but if you had the answer would be "this 16 year old kid in Montana and now he's going to jail for it".

Horror Headlines: Thursday, August 9th, 2012

"Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters", staring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton has been kicking around for some time now but with a January 11th release date looming you would think the film was pretty wrapped up. No so my friends. It looks like the folks over at Paramount are now testing the film in both R and PG-13 rating form. I can only assume this means one version will have the 3 boobed hooker alien and one version won't. Wait no, that's a different movie.

I've made a ridiculous amount of "I think Ryan Reynolds is hot" jokes on this site so I'm just going to skip it this time. I'm just going to tell you about the new movie titled "Queen Of the City" he's working on where he stars as a father who begins to find clues that his child may still be alive 8 years after she was abducted. I'm not going to close with a weird comment about his rock hard abs. I'm not even going to mention is dreamy eyes that you get lost in every time you look at them.

Just in time for the holiday season IFC is set to release a new documentary titled "The Jeffrey Dahmer Files" which follows a lovable pup across the country has he tries to find the family that accidentally left him behind. Wait wait no, that's all wrong. it's about Jeffrey Dahmer, the guy who was arrested in 1991 for the murder of 17 people. It's an honest mistake.

I don't know why I get so excited about Bigfoot movies, especially since there's so many of them coming out in the near future. I think it might be because our very own Mark just gets so excited about them and any time he gets that twinkle of excitement in his eyes the world just seems a little bit brighter. I may have said too much. "Bigfoot County" is a new found footage flick about a group of filmmakers on a hunt to find the large hairy one.

In Real People News: 

I'm don't know what to say here except "vibrating hot dogs".

It's a couple days old but I think it's important to make sure everyone knows about this Russian swim team that performed their synchronized swimming routine to Suspiria by Goblin. It's important because there's not much coverage of the Olympics out there and I'm not sure people know it's even going on.

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