blowing up the moon

Horror Headlines: Friday October 9th, 2009

So, last Wednesday, I started feeling under the weather. The past three weeks I have been wishing for MEXICAN SWINE FLU to bestow its gifts upon me, just to experience it first-hand, and, finally, I had thought that my time had come. I had all the symptoms: chills, fever, sore throat, runny nose and heinous explosive bowel movements. But, two days later, with most of these symptoms disappearing, I'm left with the feeling that, once again, I've missed this boat. So, SWINE FLUERS, if you see me, cough on me and let me walk a mile in your sickly shoes.

Variety is reporting that Twisted Pictures, the unheralded geniuses behind the Saw franchise, are in the process of purchasing the rights to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, previously owned by the date-rapists over at Platinum Dunes. This is all part of Twisted's plan to corner the market on all films that have saws in them. Hey-O!!!

Dread Central has posted the cast list (Milla Jovovich, Wentworth Miller, Ali Larter) and synopsis for Resident Evil 4: Afterlife (In a world ravaged by infection, Alice continues her...blah blah blah...). The final line, however, of Dread's report reads: “Thankfully, Mike Epps will remain dead.” I, for one, enjoy Mike Epps and, unlike Dread Central, love black people and wish them continued success in the horror movie genre. KILL WHITEY!

Gary Ross, the writer of the Tom Selleck comedy classic Mr. Baseball, has been tapped to write a solo Venom movie. Venom, who you may remember, was killed at the end of Spider-Man 3, but, if anyone can ret-con this fallacy, it's the writer of Mr. Baseball! (Netflix this NOW!)

In Real People News: 

NASA blasted the Moon's surface with missiles this morning. Now, I am no scientist, but this strikes me as a really bad idea. I have a creeping fear that this will somehow kick off the events of 2012. And why??? They say they were trying to find water, but I feel like they were just wanting to do it because they were bored. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY! LET'S BLOW UP THE MOON, AMERICA!

The NYPD has been tracking your cell phones calls. They say they got the idea from The Dark Knight, mostly because that movie was, in their words, “the fucking tits, brah!” This just goes to prove what an overrated burg of scumbaggery New York City is, second only to Chicago. You wouldn't find this crap in Provo!

On this day in history: 

1967: Notorious jerk-hole mass-murderer, oops, I mean “revolutionary”, Che Guevara was executed for attempting to incite hope and change in Bolivia. His death would inspire the sales of millions of t-shirts.

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