fun size

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, February 28th, 2011

Do they still make Veryfine drinks? When I was in High School the grape was like pure cocaine to me. I'm pretty sure there isn't an ounce of actual juice in there but it was delicious. One time a buddy of mine made me laugh so hard that the grape drink shot out my nose in front of a group of upper class girls. I don't mean they were really classy. They were actually a bunch of hippies and kind of smelled. But they were two grades ahead of me. Whatever you call that.

"Snow Piercer", a new film about a group of people trapped on a train after the world freezes over, has gotten itself a pretty dandy cast so far. Tilda Swinton, John hurt and Chris Evans to name a few. And now Ewen Bremner, the guy who played Spud in "Trainspotting", has joined the cast. Why that's the second most famous Ewen in that movie! Gold baby, this picture's going to be gold!

Let me be Joe with you for a second. I love me some Halloween and I love me some comedy. So I'm pretty excited for the new horror/comedy "Fun Size" about a teenager who loses her little brother on Halloween. It's got everything I love! But now the film has been pushed back two weeks to an October 26th theater release. Which I guess makes perfect sense since that's Halloween weekend. Ignore my disappointment. I'm so stupid sometimes.

If you had the same kind of Oscar fever as I did then you enjoyed watching "The Walking Dead" this past Sunday night. Get it? Cause "The Walking Dead" was on at the same time as the Oscars so I'm saying I didn't even watch them. God I hate you. Colin Vaines produced "My Week with Marilyn" and I'm 75% sure that was nominated for something so let's get excited about him developing a "classic ghost story" with writer David Pirie. No details on the plot or title, but it's the Oscars, baby, Gold! It's all going to be gold.

"Mirror Mirror" is apparently a retelling of Snow White that stars Julia Roberts as the evil witch. Mother of god I hate Julia Roberts. She's the female Billy Crystal. Jason Keller is one of the writers on the project and he just sold a new Dracula story to Sony. Please try not to get this mixed up with the 19 other Dracula movies in the works and the 14 TV shows based on the classic blood sucker being developed. Feel free to confuse it with my fan fiction though. My site Draculainjersey.org could use the hits.

In Real People News: 

A sex sting bust that features a man trying to contract a disease from a hooker? Of course this happened in Florida.

I have no idea how this would work but a South Carolinaman is in trouble after he sawed off a person's hand so that he an two others could collect an insurance payout. Is that possible? Will someone give me their hand? I'll split the money with you.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 27th, 2011

If you're looking for something to give you nightmares tonight then you're in luck because there's a new trailer for Alex de la Iglesia's "The Last Circus". It's chock full of sad clowns, clowns in the mood and of course clowns that will beat the living hell out of you for looking at them the wrong way. Clowns don't play son.

Tickle me excited folks because "Return of the Living Dead" is getting its own documentary. Beverly Randolph, who plays Tina aka not the one who stripped in the graveyard in the original film is an executive producer on the project that's currently gearing up for production. The doc will focus on the first 3 films in the series and will sadly ignore "Rave to the Grave", which just missed cashing in on the techno fad by a short 10 years.

A brand spanking new post for the upcoming Troma film "Father's Day" has hit the net and after seeing it and reading the description I'm a little disturbed. Apparently the movie focuses on a mad man who stalks a town by raping and murdering all the local fathers. Does this happen a lot? I think I need to reconsider this whole parenting thing.

For those of you out there sitting and waiting for the release of Josh Schwartz's "Fun Size" then get excited because the Halloween comedy will hit theaters on October 12th 2012. Then get depressed because you're sitting around waiting for a movie that's being directed by a guy who produces "Gossip Girl" and features Chelsea Handler. You feel stupid now don't you? Good.

In Real People News: 

I worked at the customer service counter of a local grocery store in High School and I can confirm that people get pissed when they don't get to return their Ring Dings that they think are stale. After reading this story about an angry New Hampshire man I can now also confirm that people also get really pissed when they can't return a van they think is damaged. Pissed to the point of driving the van into 7 or 8 other cars on the lot.

Well this is a new one. A California man had his eyebrow bitten off by a young girl after he tried to stop her and her mother from attacking another young woman in a parking lot recently. I had no idea this was even possible. I'm not even mad, just impressed.

Horror Headlines: Friday June 24th, 2011

Emma Stone has reportedly been offered the leading role in Grahame-Smith's constantly changing "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". Natalie Portman, who is now a producer on the film had at one time been rumored for the role along with Anne Hathaway and a number of other actresses. So keep your fingers crossed that Stone turns it down. I've heard rumors my name is rapidly moving to the top of the list for this.

Riki Lindhome, who has an IMDB page that leads me to believe she's been on one episode of 75% of the TV shows that have been made in the last 5 years, is the latest name to be added to the growing cast of the Halloween night comedy "Fun Size". The film which follows a pissy teenage girl as she tries to find her missing brother on Halloween night before their mother finds out also includes the comedic stylings of Johnny Knoxville, Jane Levy, Ana Gasteyer and Chelsea Handler. Because nothing's funnier than a good ole' missing child story.

If you liked "Strippers VS Zombies" then you're going to have lukewarm feelings about the new poster for "Strippers VS Werewolves". The movie, which Robert Englund is already attached to, focuses on a group of strippers that find their places of business being invaded by an angry pack of werewolves. Pray Englund isn't one of the strippers, pray a lot.

Speaking of Robert Englund... 2007's "Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer" was a comedic romp filled with over the top blood and guts. But from the looks of the new trailer for "The Shrine" it appears the makers have lost their funny bone and replaced it with some sort of creepy spooky bone. I think that's medically accurate. The movie follows a group of campers as they venture into a small Polish village that turns out to practice a strange human sacrifice ritual. I assume this is what happens to anyone who is stupid enough to leave their couch and go wondering off into strange Polish villages.

In Real People News: 

An Ohio couple is under arrested after they reportable bound a 3 year old girl with duct tape and insulted her, all while filming the entire thing. The reason they did this? Because they got boozed up and thought it would be fun of course. In their defense, it does sound kind of fun.

Here's a Pennsylvania man named Handy Wood who is under arrested for exposing himself to a woman while driving around a local mall parking lot in his mini van. Just to recap, Mr. Handy Wood pulled out his man bits and showed some random women. Make your own jokes for this one.

Horror Headlines: Friday June 17th, 2011

The premiere we've all been waiting for is finally here my friends! Yes of course I speak of Rob Zombie's Woolite commercial and much to my surprise it looks like... well if Rob Zombie did a commercial for a laundry detergent. Shocking I know. Look for our podcast on the commercial coming in the next few weeks.

Looks like the good people behind the upcoming flick "Mansion of Blood" don't have nearly as much patience as the folks behind "The Gingerdead Man" films because they just shit canned Gary Busy from the lead role. Apparently Busy had already filmed about half of his scenes but his pain in the assness became too much and he was booted.

I love me some Guillermo Del Toro but I swear to Jesus if you break up "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" there will be hell to pay. Rumor has it that Del Toro is in talks with Sunny's Charlie Day to play a role in his upcoming monsters attack earth flick "Pacific Rim" which is set for a 2013 release. Then again there's a new season of Sunny coming out in between then and if it sucks like the last one did then he can go ahead and do whatever the hell he wants.

99% of horror comedies are neither funny nor scary and guess what folks, the upcoming Halloween romp "Fun Size" will not break the mold. How do I know this? Because Chelsea Handler has just been cast in the movie and she's not funny. If you think she is you're wrong and I'm sorry. Just because she's kind of pretty and swears a lot doesn't make her hilarious. Trust me, I pay $75 a ticket to watch her talk about diddling herself for an hour at Radio City Music Hall and I didn't crack a smile once. You drop $150 bucks and all of the sudden a goofy smile and low cut shirt isn't so funny. Learn from my mistakes!

In Real People News: 

Everyone likes a little show with their dinner, that's a fact. But when the little show ends up sending you to the hospital the fun ends. Such is the case for a group of diners in Florida who had to be rushed to the hospital after a banana foster preparation went all too wrong and burned a number of diners. Always order pudding people, no one gets hurt with pudding.

And here's a story about a 29 year old woman in Washington who is under arrest after she attacked her boyfriend's genitals with a knife during a fight. And that's all I can say about this without getting dizzy.

Horror Headlines: Monday May 2nd, 2011

Anthony Mackie has been added to the cast of the long awaited big screen adaptation of Max Brooks' "World War Z". The cast already includes Mr. Brad Pitt and Mireille Enos and is set to begin filming this summer. Mackie is currently filming "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" and 7 other movies, but I hope he gets some time to really drink the beauty that is Brad Pitt. God, I'd love to just get a lock of his hair or something. I've said too much.

Jane Levy looks like she could be anywhere between 11 and 30, but now she's been added to the cast of the teen Halloween comedy "Fun Size" so that means she's got to be a teen right? Is it creepy that I'm even bringing her age up? Little bit right? Are you uncomfortable? You should be! Anyway, the film focuses on a young girl who takes her little brother trick-r-treating, loses him and then spends the night trying to track him down before her mother finds out. I'm on some sort of watch list now aren't I... damn this site!

Do you love Godzilla? Well then you're sure to have lukewarm feelings about the new spoof "Notzilla: Duke of the Monsters"! Alright, honestly the movie, which already has Patrick Warburton and George Takei attached to it, looks like it could be funny for a half hour or so, but it's currently looking for distribution and the good people behind the film have put out a trailer to get some buzz going. If you have about 1.5 million it could be yours. Won't you help!? Won't somebody think of the children!?

Remember when seeing names like Tony Todd, Kane Hodder and Tiffany Shepis in a cast meant you were going to see a quality film? No, me either, but that doesn't matter because all three have been cast in the new werewolf flick "Hallow Pointe". The story takes place at a bed and breakfast where a couple must fight to stay alive when they find themselves checked in on the night of a full moon. I swear to god if I have to sit through another Kane Hodder sex scene I'm never watching another movie. You've been warned!

In Real People News: 

An empty house near Salem Massachusetts apparently called 911 on it's own after a pipe burst and caused toxic mold to form while the owner was away. Of course, "the man" is trying to say the call, which was just a hand up, was caused by the water shorting out the phone line and sending a random call out to 911 but anyone with an ounce of smarts know it's the work of demon witches from days of old. It's the only explanation.

A father in Queens NY is under arrest after his son brought the father's 8mm hand gun to school and sold it to another student for $3. Of course the father is pissed about the whole being arrested thing but I can't imagine he's too happy about his gun being sold for $3 bucks. You've got to imagine he could of gotten at least twice that.

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