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Horror Headlines: Tuesday June 18th, 2013

Rob Zombie has gone on record that he's done with horror movies for the time being. It's on the internet, it's true. But hey that doesn't mean that he can't go around making spooky houses for us all to enjoy during Halloween time. The Great American Nightmare will take place during the month of October in LA and feature a state of the art haunted attraction along with different bands playing during the month. Want to really frighten folks? Tell em you're going to make them watch "The Devil Rejects" directors cut all night. Get it? Cause that movie is awful.

John Hurt has just been added to the cast of FX's adaptation of Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampires taking over the world novel "The Strain". Hurt will play a pawn shop owner who has been hunting vampires since World War II. Sounds like he's really going to put a... HURT on those vampires huh? Man I'm good.

Oh right, Ryan Gosling is directing a travel to the underworld type flick called "How To Catch a Monster" because he thinks all the ladies out there give a crap about his art and don't just want to catch him strut around with his god damn perfect smile. Or maybe he already knows and doesn't care. In any case he's cast Iain DeCaestecker in the lead role of the project. Iain joins an already large cast that includes both Christina Hendricks and Eva Mendes. Two woman I pray never make the mistake that I care about their art.

Want to pay 50 bucks and see "World War Z" on June 19th, a few days before the film gets a wide release? No me either, and I thought the general consensus is no one wants to see the movie for any price, but I guess that doesn't matter to Regal Entertainment and the folks over at Paramount because they're offering folks a chance to do just that in selected cities. I don't know who the hell would possibly do that but if you're thinking about it please shoot me an email first because I'll read you the book over the phone for only 40 bucks.

In Real People News: 

A Florida man stabbed his brother after an argument over some mac and cheese. Florida.

I think this kind of crap only happened in the 20's but a Florida woman is under arrested after she threw acid in the face of her boyfriend after she showed up to his house drunk and refused to leave. Didn't that do that in the 20's? Seems like something they'd do. "Gangster Squad" was a bad movie.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, February 28th, 2011

Do they still make Veryfine drinks? When I was in High School the grape was like pure cocaine to me. I'm pretty sure there isn't an ounce of actual juice in there but it was delicious. One time a buddy of mine made me laugh so hard that the grape drink shot out my nose in front of a group of upper class girls. I don't mean they were really classy. They were actually a bunch of hippies and kind of smelled. But they were two grades ahead of me. Whatever you call that.

"Snow Piercer", a new film about a group of people trapped on a train after the world freezes over, has gotten itself a pretty dandy cast so far. Tilda Swinton, John hurt and Chris Evans to name a few. And now Ewen Bremner, the guy who played Spud in "Trainspotting", has joined the cast. Why that's the second most famous Ewen in that movie! Gold baby, this picture's going to be gold!

Let me be Joe with you for a second. I love me some Halloween and I love me some comedy. So I'm pretty excited for the new horror/comedy "Fun Size" about a teenager who loses her little brother on Halloween. It's got everything I love! But now the film has been pushed back two weeks to an October 26th theater release. Which I guess makes perfect sense since that's Halloween weekend. Ignore my disappointment. I'm so stupid sometimes.

If you had the same kind of Oscar fever as I did then you enjoyed watching "The Walking Dead" this past Sunday night. Get it? Cause "The Walking Dead" was on at the same time as the Oscars so I'm saying I didn't even watch them. God I hate you. Colin Vaines produced "My Week with Marilyn" and I'm 75% sure that was nominated for something so let's get excited about him developing a "classic ghost story" with writer David Pirie. No details on the plot or title, but it's the Oscars, baby, Gold! It's all going to be gold.

"Mirror Mirror" is apparently a retelling of Snow White that stars Julia Roberts as the evil witch. Mother of god I hate Julia Roberts. She's the female Billy Crystal. Jason Keller is one of the writers on the project and he just sold a new Dracula story to Sony. Please try not to get this mixed up with the 19 other Dracula movies in the works and the 14 TV shows based on the classic blood sucker being developed. Feel free to confuse it with my fan fiction though. My site Draculainjersey.org could use the hits.

In Real People News: 

A sex sting bust that features a man trying to contract a disease from a hooker? Of course this happened in Florida.

I have no idea how this would work but a South Carolinaman is in trouble after he sawed off a person's hand so that he an two others could collect an insurance payout. Is that possible? Will someone give me their hand? I'll split the money with you.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

Tonight I'm going to Hooters with some former co-workers and I'm not going to lie, I had some trouble sleeping last night from all the excitement. I've been listening to the band Hatebreed all day getting myself pumped up for the big event. If you've never been and you think Hooters is depressing then I suggest you come to the one in NYC because you're 100% right. You see in a lot of locations Hooters gets really hot girls to work there but in the city there's really expensive restaurants where girls can get really big tips and not have to be harassed by drunk pricks downing wings.

How the hell the Germans have kept this clip from "Psycho" a secret for so long is beyond me but here it is, extended scenes from some of the film's classic shots that were apparently too hot for us American's back in the day but were A-OK for the Krauts. I wonder if they have the real ending for "The Sopranos" sitting around somewhere too.

"Snow Piercer" sounds like the name of a terrible cover band but it turns out it's the titled of Bong Joon-ho's new film. The movie tells the story of a group of people trapped on a train after the earth has been completely frozen. Who would you want as a fellow passenger on that train? If you said "Alien" alum John Hurt then you're in luck because he's been confirmed for the cast. If you said anyone other than him though you're kind of screwed.

Yesterday I told you how "The Crow" remake looks to be back on and today it appears a new writer and director have already been selected. Jesse Wigutow, who wrote some short films I will never see has been tapped to pen the script and F. Javier Gutierrez who directed "Before the Fall" which I'm 75% sure I saw will take the lead. Seriously, if you've never been to Hooters you should give it a shot. Their wings are so god damn good.

This can't be good news. It looks like that Lily Collins has officially dropped out from the lead role in the upcoming remake of "The Evil Dead". Apparently the drop out is because of "date issues". I assume this means she wants to go out on a date with me and just found out I'm married so she's too depressed to act. That's just my guess.

In Real People News: 

Managers of a park in England are toying with the idea of releasing honey bees in order to deter vandals from damaging historic buildings. I think the way this goes is they release the bees, then they need to release birds to eat the bees, then something else. It all ends with giant shark robots killing us all.

Here's a smart guy who decided to lock himself in an airplane bathroom and smoke some pot. I don't know if he also tried to tamper with the smoke detector but I'm pretty sure that alone will get you the chair.

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