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Horror Headlines: Friday July 17th, 2009 Part 2!

This has been the hardest news to write. Not because I have writer's block, but because my Gateway laptop is on it's last legs. About every ten-to-fifteen minutes of pounding away on it, out of nowhere it lets out a high-pitch squeal and shuts off—kinda like my wife. ZING!

But, seriously, I need a new laptop.

This Wednesday, the newest Harry Potter movie grossed over $50 million dollars. When I hear news like that, it makes me feel like not only are we not in an economic depression, but that we all lead comfortable enough lives to take a day off—a Wednesday, no less—and see a movie. Can't do that in, say, Iran, right?

David Arquette has confirmed that he and his pet shrew Courtney Cox are in Scream 4, no matter what pile of stank that writer Kevin Williamson turns in. I'm still holding out for Ready 2 Rumble 2 to be filmed in his backyard with the stars of the Juggalo Championship Wrestling Federation , which I just learned existed. Rowdy Roddy Piper is a member. I have no faith left in humanity. Or at least the wrestling part of humanity.

I'm a huge fan of the Nicolas Cage remake of The Wicker Man. Huge fan. I had a poster of it on my wall for the longest time. So, when I heard that they had started production on the sequel, I literally creamed my jeans. Just picture: all that cream, filling my jeans, pouring out of the legs and leaving a huge damp spot. But, that sweet jean creamery was short-lived, as, once I had read further in the story, I learned that they are quasi-sequelizing the original 1973 cult film starring Christopher Lee and Edward Woodward. The plot for the film, which has something to do with Christian musicians, sadly, does not include anything about Nick Cage coming back to the island in a beekeeper's outfit and a flamethrower, ready to kick some matriarchal ass. Unless it's the twist ending, in which case, BEST MOVIE EVER!

In Real People News: 

A huge blob of goo is floating down the Alaskan Coast at a leisurely pace. It's art imitating life, if you consider Creepshow 2 art. I do.

While we're all trying to outrun aquatic blobs in Alaska, nature continues to run amok in other parts of the world in only the most delicious of ways! First, in Spain, a tween girl caught a nine foot catfish. Them's a lot of tasty nuggets! Pass the tartar sauce! Meanwhile, in San Diego, monstrous giant flying squid are washing up on shore, bringing calamari prices to an all time low. If mutant lobsters would start appearing, I'm buying a ticket to San Diego and telling Red Lobster's Lobsterfest to screw off!

The Department of the Treasury is looking for a comedian to conduct “humor in the workplace” programs. I am currently working on my act, but so far, it's mostly about how different black dudes are from white guys. For example: “Black presidents be spendin' money on health care, but white presidents be spending money on missiles! Did I miss something? But you know who really loves spending...women! White or black, man, women be shoppin'! I'm like, bitch, I just passed a stimulus plan for $1 trillion dollars and you're buying $500 shoes? Bitch gonna die!”

Horror Headlines: Friday July 10th, 2009

So you almost got two days of Louis this week. Almost. You see, Eric emailed me early yesterday morning saying that he had swine flu or something and would I do the news. That's great, but I didn't wake up until a little after noon. I then had some leftover pot roast. And then I considered rubbing one out, but instead decided on another helping of pot roast. By the time I checked my email, it was two in the afternoon and I had officially failed at life. Depressed, I went back to bed and just woke up right now. So I slept like over 30 hours. Here's your news!

Over at our distinguished competition, Dread Central, they have announced that, along with something called Home Media Magazine, that they are launching the “Reaper Awards”. The “judges” are veritable who's who in the horror mag/blog community—so they're no one important in real life—and they promise to “honor horror films as they are meant to be seen – raw and uncensored.” For a preview of this year's “best picture” winner, keep watching the sidebars and pop-ups of Dread Central for who ever is paying for the most ad-space—so far the winner is “The Unborn”, which is now available on DVD!

Earlier this week, Eric reported about Stephen Norrington and his upcoming re-imagining/remake/redux/reboot of “The Crow”. Apparently, in addition to that, him and Stephen Dorff are working on a prequel to “Blade”—a prequel trilogy, no less—featuring the origin and history of, no, not Blade, but Deacon Frost, the good-looking hipster vamp played by Dorff in the first film. That's like creating a trilogy based around the history of, say, Doctor Octopus before he became Doctor Octopus. Mark my words: this movie will never, ever get made. If anything, it was probably just some late-night pillow talk between Norrington and Dorff. But they can dream...

Merry Old England is releasing their first ever 3-D horror film, titled, whimsically enough, “Elfie Hopkins and the Gammons”. Based on the British novel “I Gots Gribblesnorts In Me Pockets!”, filmgoers will thrill to the sight of Shepard's Pie, bad teeth, the loss of the original thirteen colonies, Margaret Thatcher and a skinhead soccer hooligan coming right off the screen and head-butting them in patented “Fook Off You Wanker-vision!” The first two-hundred viewers will also get a free Dixie Cup of warm, stale Guinness.

As you may know, coming straight to video is “Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever” and apparently “Hostel Part 3”. While frat-splat director Eli Roth will not be involved with these sequels, he'll completely admit to “double-teaming some Kappa Pi bitch” at last weekend's “Sigma Epsilon Night to Remember Beer-Bash for Cystic Fibrosis”, which he sealed with a high-five and a “Fuck yeah, bro!” as he downed his sixth Natty L this morning. His eyebrows had no comment.

In Real People News: 

I live in Fort Collins, Colorado. While we have more hippies than horror-fans, we seem to have an overabundance of furries. Just picture it...people dressed in animal costumes, sweating like a mascot in the hot August sun, rubbing their stinky, dreadlocked genitals against each other...maybe this is what people talk about when they say that if we legalize gay marriage, next we'll make marriage to animals legal, because I can seriously see some of these guys doing that. Gays, I think you know where to direct your anger at! Either way, a local furry woman, Richael Michels, 45, who resembles a trashy truck-stop ocelot, gave paw-jobs to an underage furry she met at, yes, the Fort Collins Furmeet. Local furries have come out against her actions, but not against rubbing their boners inside a scratching post while no one's looking at PetSmart. Even worse, some parent is going to read these articles and realize what a total sexual loser they have raised.

You might call it disrespectful, but I think that reselling grave-plots not only shows real initiative and ingenuity, but it's also a great way to “go green”. Literally. Regardless, why is everyone so mad? It's not like your dead loved ones really care where they're buried...unless they are still alive, in which case, double props to the property owners for double checking! Don't hate the player, hate the game!

On this day in history: 

In 1796, German mathematician and scientist Carl Friedrich Gauss discovered that “every positive integer is representable as a sum of at most three triangular numbers”. He didn't have time to bask in the glory, however, as his head was quickly shoved in the toilet and his pantaloons stretched up his crack by three jocks chanting “Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!”.

Have a great weekend everyone, see you next Friday. Until then, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!

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