fowler fridays

Horror Headlines: Friday October 30th, 2009

I just booked my plane tickets for Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati, November 20-22. Not only am I really hoping that that one dude who has the $10 bootlegs that was at Indianapolis will be there again, I am really looking forward to being around fat people again, especially the BBWs. You bring the vaginal lubrication, I'll bring the hot tub.

I am looking everywhere for horror news. Everywhere. With the exception of something with Ashley Olsen called “Beastly”, there's no news. None. Oh, there's plenty of news about Anthony Hopkins playing Odin in the “Thor” adaptation, or that “Men in Black 3” is moving forward, but nothing that is remotely horror related. Um... Cameron Diaz might be remaking Mel Gibson's “What Women Want”. That's pretty damn scary. “Twilight” is getting re-released in theaters. UGH.

I know that some of you are probably freaking out right now, but, you know... BREATHE. It'll be okay. Here's an idea: how about trying out some new genre this weekend? You're life can't all be horror and, if it is, chances are you're highly unemployable. Why not try a nice romantic comedy? I watched “The Proposal” the other night and found it absolutely delightful!

Or, even better...how about turning off the TV and taking your puppy to the dog park? Yeah! Get off your fat, unwashed ass and cavort and frolic with your loving pet. He could die at any minute. Do you want the guilt of having this loyal companion die of loneliness while you watch “Evil Dead 2” for the 30th time? Don't have a dog, volunteer at an animal shelter. DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE.

In Real People News: 

Doctors in the Ching-chong province of China are “baffled” by a young girl's skin becoming rapidly covered in soft, black and gray cat-like fur. While in America furries proclaim this a total “cream dream”, they were ultimately saddened to learn that the girl has already been cooked and eaten with stir-fry vegetables and spring rolls. Ah so!

Bulgarian police have seized 110 pounds of heroin hidden in cans of sauerkraut. In related news, I'm going to Bulgaria. (No, seriously. Have your tried heroin? That shit is the bomb. It is really relaxing and calming....so peaceful. It's really easy to become addicted to, so you need to pace yourself and have immense will power. The best thing to do is to save it for the weekend, maybe a Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. Put on an Eagles record and let the pale horses run.)

Singer-songwriter Sting believes that Obama was “sent from God”. Just when you think Sting couldn't become anymore irrelevant, he goes and surprises you. Why doesn't he just cut out the middle-man and change his name to Phil Collins?

On this day in history: 

In 1996, the Odwalla company officials withdrew their products from over 4,600 stores after an outbreak of E. Coli in their apple juice, which in the end sickened over 60 people and killed one. Oddly enough, I drank one of these things a few days ago and practically shit my guts out.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 23, 2009

I went to a midnight screening of SAW 6 last night. While I can hear the collective groan of most of you, I love those movies and this one is the best one yet. Lots of great kills, lots of smart twists and, weirdly, an incredibly persuasive health care reform stance. Jigsaw actually delivers a monologue about the insidiousness of the insurance companies and the need for change! Yes we can! Here's to hoping that SAW 7 3D will take a stance on high gas prices! “Greetings, Mr. Exxon. I'd like to play a game...”

Have you ever wanted to see Neve Campbell's moist, lip-quivering histrionics in the THIRD-DIMENSION? No? Well, sorry, but according to a Bloody Disgusting “exclusive”, Scream 4 will be shot in 3-D. Speaking of 3-D, Roger Ebert just wrote a great piece about how if you like 3-D you are an idiot. This Scream news really brings his point home.

Steve Niles confirms that 30 Days of Night: Dark Days is currently in production and starring such acting luminaries as...well, all that matters is that Diora Baird is headlining. I don't have to be a vampire to know what of hers I'd like to suck! (To clarify, it would be her breasts. Possibly her vagina, depending on her bathing habits.)

Rob Zombie, perhaps the greatest (horror) director of all-time, announced on his Myspace that his soon-to-be-classic Halloween 2 will be returning to theaters next weekend, just in time for the holiday. That's great news but, really Rob, Myspace? It's hard for me to defend you when you're still using an archaic social networking device as your primary news delivery system. Can we get a Facebook, or a Blogspot or something? I'd be willing to do it for you...

In Real People News: 

One time, when I was around 12 years old and living in Oklahoma City, my dad sent me to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. I would walk to the store because it was only a few blocks and, while the neighborhood wasn't the best, there was very rarely any violence. As I was walking back, carrying some steaks, some ice cream and a two-liter of diet Doc Shasta, two chipped-tooth teenage toughs came out from the side of an apartment and pulled a gun on me, demanding my groceries or else they would “put a cap in my foot”. My dad, an ex-cop, would always sit on the front porch with a .38 (this is obviously where I get my paranoia from) and, when he saw these kids pull a gun on me, he reacted quickly and shot one of the kids in the back, while the other one took off running. Needless to say, dinner tasted great and the little bastard was paralyzed for life. Why do I bring this up? Because if this guy carried a .38, he'd be eating a delicious chicken dinner tonight.

In good health? Speak English or Russian? Have a background and work experience in medicine, biology, life support systems engineering, computer engineering, electronic engineering or mechanical engineering? Then you are the perfect candidate for a simulated 520-day Mars mission! I prefer just going to Rekall. KUATO LIVES!

Remember when science was all about fact, or at least searching for the truth? Dr. Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr. Masao Ninomiya have announced their theory that the giant atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider is being “jinxed from the future to save the world”. Yep. Our best scientists believe that time-travelers are sabotaging the collider. In related news, guess who Obama just appointed as our new science czars!

On this day in history: 

In 1915, 30,000 women march on Fifth Avenue to advocate their right to vote. And so began the decline of America.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 16th, 2009

Last night, I bought a bag of candy corn at Target and, somehow, ended up eating the whole bag. While it is relatively guilt-free treat (it's a fat free candy!), when I woke up at 4 AM, with sugary foam and dried wax-like candy bits clogging my throat while throwing up orange-syrupy goo, I realized just how much I actually hate candy corn. I still have no idea why I got it. (Of course, as I type this, I just put a stray piece of corn that I had dropped on the floor last night in my mouth.)

The big news today? That the much jizzed-on “Paranormal Activity” goes wide, and all thanks to the 1,000,000 of you that took the time to vote online! Sure, we're in the middle of two wars, the dollar is becoming useless and we are on the verge of eating our pets, but, hey, entertainment reigns supreme! The best thing about this massive hype? I can't wait for the sure-to-come backlash now that everyone can see the movie without having to resort to midnight movie theatrics. For more info, click here. To join the Army, click here.

What's the other big news on every single Goddamned horror movie site? In a just posted Twitter, Wes Craven thinks that Kevin Williamson's “Scream 4” script “sounds fantastic”. In other Craven/Twitter news that hasn't made it to the news sites yet, today he's eating “tomato soup for lunch...again”, “hates traffic on the 405” and wants to know if you've heard about “that krazy balloon boy in Colorado”.

According to Variety, “Universal Pictures has set Chris Messina to star in "Devil," a horror-thriller based on an M. Night Shyamalan story that will be directed by John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle.” I have no idea who Chris Messina or the Dowdles are, but if M. Night Shyamalan has something to do with it I AM THERE. That man is a cinematic genius. Just like Rob Zombie.

In Real People News: 

OK. So the real news is this a-hole family, the Heenes. They live up the road from me and it was exciting to watch the balloon escape right from my backyard, penis filling with blood at the hope that, at any minute, a child will tragically come falling out of the flimsy cardboard basket. And that was before we found out they were media whores who appeared on “Wife Swap” and put their kids in a music video called, ahem, “Not Pussified”! My advice to young Falcon? Keep trying to reach the stars, son! UPDATE: The boy just vomited on the Today Show!

Midget wrestlers Alberto and Alejandro Pérez Jiménez-- aka La Parkita (Little Death) and Espectrito II, respectively--were found dead in a hotel room after they were poisoned and robbed by a pair of devious hookers believed to be part of an organized crime ring of murderous prostitutes. I FUCKING LOVE MEXICO.

In one Chicago area high school, 115 girls are preggers. That's 1 out of 8. My (jimmy) hats off the to graduating class of Louis Fowler Memorial High School!

On this day in history: 

In 1916, Margaret Sanger founds Planned Parenthood. This puts the former birth control clinic, Kick Your Whore Ass Down the Stairs, Inc., quickly out of business.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 9th, 2009

So, last Wednesday, I started feeling under the weather. The past three weeks I have been wishing for MEXICAN SWINE FLU to bestow its gifts upon me, just to experience it first-hand, and, finally, I had thought that my time had come. I had all the symptoms: chills, fever, sore throat, runny nose and heinous explosive bowel movements. But, two days later, with most of these symptoms disappearing, I'm left with the feeling that, once again, I've missed this boat. So, SWINE FLUERS, if you see me, cough on me and let me walk a mile in your sickly shoes.

Variety is reporting that Twisted Pictures, the unheralded geniuses behind the Saw franchise, are in the process of purchasing the rights to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, previously owned by the date-rapists over at Platinum Dunes. This is all part of Twisted's plan to corner the market on all films that have saws in them. Hey-O!!!

Dread Central has posted the cast list (Milla Jovovich, Wentworth Miller, Ali Larter) and synopsis for Resident Evil 4: Afterlife (In a world ravaged by infection, Alice continues her...blah blah blah...). The final line, however, of Dread's report reads: “Thankfully, Mike Epps will remain dead.” I, for one, enjoy Mike Epps and, unlike Dread Central, love black people and wish them continued success in the horror movie genre. KILL WHITEY!

Gary Ross, the writer of the Tom Selleck comedy classic Mr. Baseball, has been tapped to write a solo Venom movie. Venom, who you may remember, was killed at the end of Spider-Man 3, but, if anyone can ret-con this fallacy, it's the writer of Mr. Baseball! (Netflix this NOW!)

In Real People News: 

NASA blasted the Moon's surface with missiles this morning. Now, I am no scientist, but this strikes me as a really bad idea. I have a creeping fear that this will somehow kick off the events of 2012. And why??? They say they were trying to find water, but I feel like they were just wanting to do it because they were bored. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY! LET'S BLOW UP THE MOON, AMERICA!

The NYPD has been tracking your cell phones calls. They say they got the idea from The Dark Knight, mostly because that movie was, in their words, “the fucking tits, brah!” This just goes to prove what an overrated burg of scumbaggery New York City is, second only to Chicago. You wouldn't find this crap in Provo!

On this day in history: 

1967: Notorious jerk-hole mass-murderer, oops, I mean “revolutionary”, Che Guevara was executed for attempting to incite hope and change in Bolivia. His death would inspire the sales of millions of t-shirts.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 2nd, 2009

So, every week, one or two people always ask me: “Hey Lou...why is the news always late on Friday?” Well, as a writer who works from home, I make my own hours. While you are out toiling at your 8-5, I am peacefully sleeping until, oh, about 10 AM. Then, I have to take my dog Hoogie out for his morning constitutional. We get back to the house about 10:45 and, I gotta say, I am famished! So, I'll have a bowl of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes (they're grrrrrrreat!) as I check my email and various social networking sites. Then, a little after 11, I start in on the BGH news!

Platinum Dunes, in their Bloody Disgusting-sponsored blog (HMMMMMM...), has announced that Friday the 13th Part 2 will be released on August 13, 2010. So how does that work? How does a film website, which published reviews on a regular basis, sponsor a blog for a studio? Isn't that akin to “payola”? When asked, Mr. Disgusting had this to say: “Brah, we here at Bloody Disgusting pride ourselves on honest, no bullshit reviews and we will always stand by that. So, with that being said, the NEW NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET IS TEH GREATEST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME BUY FOUR TICKETS FOR YOURSELF AND THE TSHIRT AT HOT TOPIC!!!”

One of the few things I have ever agreed with Eric about, besides Asian chicks, is that the original Crazies is a pretty entertaining, chilling movie. I am looking forward to the remake but am far too lazy to upload this Apple trailer and watch it. Eh...the poster looks good though.

According to Variety, Sam Raimi is launching a family friendly sub-Ghost House imprint called Spooky Films. Their first movie will be The Substitute, directed by Scott Derrickson who looks like a reject from Tool Academy. Seriously, Google this douche's picture. This news follows on the heels of Disney's news that they are teaming with Guillermo del Toro to form a production company called, ahem...Double Dare You. Really, guys? Really?

In Real People News: 

An 11-year-old Wyoming boy led police on a 100 mile per hour chase at 3:20 in the morning, and then tried to flee on foot. The kid's name? BADASS COBRA CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE CUNT-PUNCHER JONES.

A new study claimed that half of the babies born in the “rich world” will live to be 100. The half that died? They were the ones whose reactionary, Obama cock-craving moms gave the H1N1 vaccine, which causes Guillain Barre Syndrome (GBS), a paralyzing disorder that was one of the side effects of the swine flu vaccine that killed numerous people in the US in 1976. But, really, you get what you pay for, America.

On this day in history: 

In honor of the birthday of Mahatma Ghandi, today we celebrate “Ghandi Jayanti”, or the International Day of Non-Violence. When Badass Cobra Crank 2: High Voltage Cunt-Puncher Jones was asked how he was going to celebrate, he took a sip of Hurricane Malt Liquor and then beat a cop to death with the bottle.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 25th, 2009

I'm back. Sorry for the hiatus, but it's hard to do the news on an early Friday morning when you don't have Internet. Back at my old house, I was able to steal Internet, but, at the new condo I just bought, all these bastards have passwords and WPA codes and whatnot on their Internet, so, of course, now I have to legitimately pay for it, with a modem and everything. XBOX Live, here I come!

So “Mr. Disgusting” over at Bloody Disgusting posted an “exclusive” synopsis of the upcoming remake of The Gate: “It revolves around Miles and Terry who live in a typical suburban tract. One day, they discover a mysterious crystalline rock in Miles' backyard, they quickly dig up the lawn in search of more. But instead, they unearth The Gate - the opening to an underground chamber containing terrifying evil. The boys soon realize what they have unleashed, as one dire event follows another. With supernatural fiends invading suburbia, it's up to the kids to find the secret that will lock forever THE GATE...If it is not too late.” Exclusive? Really?? Sorry, “Mr. Disgusting”, BUT THAT IS THE EXACT SAME PLOT OF THE ORIGINAL GATE!!! Is that really an “exclusive”??? This just in, we here at BGH have an exclusive synopsis about David Cronenberg's remake of The Fly: “A brilliant scientist, creating a teleportation machine, accidentally transports himself and a common housefly in the machine, with horrific chaos ensuing.” EXCLUSIVE!!! Just call me “Señor Grotesque”!!!

With Twilight becoming a total pop culture phenomenon, filmmakers are clamoring for anything Stephanie Meyer, so her first, ahem, “adult” novel "The Host" has been optioned. Pandering to the lonely, repressed female sci-fi crowd, "The Host" is a post-apocalyptic novel about, oh, I don't know, mutants that sparkle or something. I don't know. You know what I do know though? I think Stephanie Meyer is really hot. I would love to go on a date with her, pretend to listen to everything she says and then go back to her place and just bang her all night, and by all night, I mean for about an hour, upon which, I'll raid her fridge, which I'm sure is packed, watch some cable and pass out on her couch, only to wake up with her four or five cats sleeping on me. Somehow, she'll see this as a the opening of a meaningful relationship and we'll be together forever, just like Bella and Ricardo. (Ricardo's the dude's name, right?)

According to Variety, Dimension Films has unveiled their upcoming slate, which includes "Scream 4", "Spy Kids 4", "Halloween 3", "Children of the Corn", "Hellraiser", "Short Circuit", "Scanners" and "An American Werewolf in London", half of which will be in 3D. Thanks for running the third dimension into the ground, horror filmmakers! Funny enough, this slate is almost exactly similar to Dimension's slate in the late 90s, the same one that ran them into the ground and caused most of their releases to go direct-to-video. "Phantoms 2", please!

In Real People News: 

The Connecticut Karaoke Assaultwould make a great movie title! I'm thinking an “urban comedy/thriller” from Dimension Films!

These Goddamn liberal hippie environmentalists are trying to get rid of “plush” toilet paper. Listen here: the day your take my quadruple-quilted Northern is when you pry it from my cold, dead anus!

In an interview just before his death, Michael Jackson found enough time to take an 8-year-old's penis out of his mouth to call Hitler a “genius orator”. When reached for comment, Hitler said “Really? That's pretty fucked up, dude.”

On this day in history: 

In 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor becomes the first female Justice of the Supreme Court. Contrary to many horrible sexist jokes of the time, she is post-menopausal and her period/PMS will not come to affect any of her decisions.

Horror Headlines: Friday August 21st, 2009

If there's one thing I can always promise you, it's not to BS you. Your time is valuable and really, you should be doing something more productive with your work time than screwing around on horror websites. That being said, there is no horror news today. Well, at least nothing worth noting. I mean, do you really care that Karl Urban has been cast in something called “Priest”?

Oh, wait...here's something:

Eli Roth says that his slasher parody/homage “Thanksgiving” is still a “very real possibility” . YAWN, WANK. Do we, really as a collective of genre fans, really even care about announcements like this anymore? Where's “Trailer Park”, Eli? How's “Cell” coming along?? Here's my new rule: I refuse to get excited about anything, ever, until I see a trailer or, at the very least, a poster with a hard 'n' fast date.

You want some real news? How about that the novelization of the movie “Black Devil Doll” is out! Why is this so important? Because I wrote the introduction! Is this probably the most important book of our generation, if any generation? I would have to go out on a limb and say YES. Yes, it is. So don't be a racist and order a copy now! Order two!

In Real People News: 

Porn studios have been accused of violating workplace safety, according to OSHA. Yes, OSHA regulates porn—who knew! I'd like to see the workplace safety manual for that. Even better, it would be hilarious if it got mixed up with, say, a fast food joint's manual—extra “secret sauce” for me! (And by sauce, I mean jism.)

Mexico, in a bold move, has decriminalized marijuana. When I asked my pot-smoking neighbor Chad “Kind Bud” Budderson for comment, he said: “Hey bro...hold on, let me turn down the Dave Matthews Band...OK. So Mexico says it's cool to carry the sticky-icky? Bro, they are so ahead of us in, like, laws and stuff. Some lawyers need to take make some laws so we can get that shit over here, dude, or I'm moving to Cancun, brah! Sun up, wake 'n' bake...um, what was I talkin' about?”

On this day in history: 

In 1959, President Eisenhower proclaims Hawaii the 50th state in the Union. Only two years later, our current President, Barack Obama, would be born in Kenya. YEAH I WENT THERE.

Horror Headlines: Friday August 7th, 2009

Can we all agree that Fowler Fridays are the sexiest day of the BGH week? I do my best to add a bit of sexy Latin flava to the proceedings. Kinda like that Santana/Rob Thomas collaboration “Smooth”. As a matter of fact, let's consider me Santana and BGH Rob Thomas.

The most anticipated, and let's be honest, probably best, horror film of 2009, Halloween 2, has been rated R by the MPAA for “strong brutal bloody violence throughout, terror, disturbing graphic images, language, some crude sexual content, and nudity” . To me, that's a Tuesday. You know the funny thing about horror fans? For all their griping and bitching, you know they're gonna be there opening weekend for this. Even mice are smart enough not keep touching the feeder bar if it keeps electrocuting them. Maybe that's why I think people decrying the flick are just doing it to get attention...ERIC.

Night of the Demons, or, as I call it be “Night of the Semens”, because I will undoubtedly be masturbating to Diora Baird as soon as it hits DVD, has sadly been pushed back from October 9 to February 2010. Hold tight, L'il Louis...hold tight.

Simon & Schuster has staked out September 29th for the release of their Hellraiser/Clive Barker tribute book Hellbound Hearts, featuring Cenobite tales from Neil Gaiman, Steve Niles, Richard Christian Matheson, Mike Mignola and, um, Mick Garris, who's pinning a story called “Hellbound Hollywood”, which I'm pretty sure is based on a Stephen King short story. Probably “Trucks”.

In Real People News: 

I really feel like the ocean is rebelling against us in the most horrific of ways. First floating blobs of goo, giant catfish and flying squid...now we have logs covered in slimy tentacles washing up in Wales. Imagine peacefully swimming, enjoying yourself, basking in the sun, only to have that brush up against your back, turning around to find a faceful of tentacles in your mouth. It's like something from a Mick Garris movie.

A dog in Northwest China is suspected of starting an outbreak of pneumonic plague. Those same sources also said they suspected the dog of being “Very very derishious. Ah so!”

You know how Big Lots have been selling great DVD titles for $3 recently, like Tales from the Crypt season one through seven, FOR THREE BUCKS? Many of us have been wondering where they legendary closeouts superstore are getting these titles from...could this be the answer? Little bit of legal advice guys: the defense “they fell off the back of the truck” usually doesn't work. Believe me, I learned this the hard way when I was running Coors from Texarkana to Georgia for Big Enos and Little Enos.

On this day in history: 

In 1986, William J. Schroeder died after living 620 days with the Jarvik 7 artificial heart. NOT SUCH A BIG MAN NOW, ARE YA JARVIK?!?!

Horror Headlines: Friday July 31st, 2009

Before I woke up to write this, I was having a dream that Prince and I were on the run from Leather face. Even more disturbing, I woke up with a boner. What do you think that means?

Ridley Scott, one of the most overrated directors of all time—yeah, I said it—has signed on to direct the prequel to “Alien”. The original movie made him famous and allowed him to direct such “classics” as “Legend” and “White Squall”. Even though writer Jon Spaihts is currently writing the screenplay, I've used my crystal ball, nicknamed “common sense”, and read the screenplay already: spaceship encounters the alien, alien gets into the ducts, the lights go out, the spaceship's inhabitants are offed one by one and a lone woman survivor takes him down. There, I saved you $10, two hours and countless wasted high hopes.

HBO's “True Blood”, or, as it really should be called, “Twilight for Adults”, has been renewed for a third season. That's at least six more weeks of shower-nozzle masturbation fantasies for the ladies!!!

Geez, it's been a while since we've heard anything from director Uwe Boll, hasn't it? Boll, one of the most underrated directors of all time, and better than Ridley Scott—yeah, I said it—has a new film in the works called “Rampage”, that looks like a deadly serious version of “Postal”, and we all know how much I loved “Postal”. Still, with Boll doing original material, doesn't it make you wistful for the good ol' days when he was just doing one video game adaptation after another? If there was ever a director to make a movie called “Minesweeper”, it would have been him.

In Real People News: 

The robots have started their war against man, as witnessed in Sweden. The robot, used to lift heavy rocks, was inexplicably dressed as Yul Brenner in a cowboy outfit. That just seems like they are asking for trouble, if you ask me.

Google engineering “genius” Sasha Blair-Goldensohn was struck in the head by a rotting tree branch while strolling in Central Park, sending him into a coma. I looked up the term “dumb luck” on Google, and was immediately presented with a picture of two dragons screwing a muscle car. So thanks for all your work, Sasha!

According to a study by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, when you buy organic food, all you're doing is paying a higher price for the phrase “organic” . What the study failed to mention is that they're also paying for that smug sense of self-satisfaction as they are loading their eco-bags into their Prius. This, combined with the news that kombucha tea not only has no proven effects, but can also cause lead poisoning, and we'll have the Newell brothers back into women anyday now. Keep hope alive!

Thanks for joining me for this week's Fowler Friday! Until next week, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!!!

On this day in history: 

1969: The San Francisco Chronicle, the Examiner, and the Vallejo Times-Herald receive nearly identical letters from the Zodiac Killer. Specific details are given about recent murder scenes, along with the demand that a "cipher" be printed on on the front page of the papers.

Horror Headlines: Friday July 24th, 2009

Hey guys, Louis Fowler here, live from Comic-Con '09! And, by Comic-Con '09, I mean my office in my underwear. Crap...I just dropped Toaster Strudel on my chest. The jelly is getting all mingled in my lush chest-hair. This wouldn't happen if I was wearing my homemade Flash costume...

Forest Whitaker and 50 Cent will play “intense” dueling personalities in the umpteenth retelling of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”, according to MTV. This makes me a bit mad because they both turned down my cop movie “Lazy Eye and Mumble Mouth: NYPD” to do it.

After he's done with “Alice in CGI-land”, Tim Burton's next movie will be a remake/retelling/reimagining of the 1960s cult vampire soap opera “Dark Shadows”. Let's place bets now that Johnny Depp is in it. Is it just me or is Tim Burton out of ideas? When he's not destroying the Ozone Layer applying copious amounts of Aquanet to his Robert Smith-like coif, I think that he's too busy rolling around naked in piles of money made off the fleshy backs of 30-year-old women who's wardrobe mainly consists of “Nightmare Before Christmas” hoodies to come up with anything original ever again. Seriously ladies, it's called TJ Maxx. Get yourself a nice pantsuit, on me.

Swarthy homunculus Danny DeVito, taking a break from banging that hot piece of ass known as Rhea Perlman, has started an original horror film website called “The Blood Factory”. Danny DeVito? Are they “short” films? Hahahahahaha...oh, wait, they are. I give the website a year, but, then again, that's what I said about Ted Danson's “Becker”, and that lasted at least three years, two of them HILARIOUS.

I don't know why it hasn't been pimped here, but how about you do yourself a favor and download “Who Wants a Tortilla?”, a joint project between BGH and Night of the Living Podcast, starring me and Chiz, and filmed at last spring's HorrorHound Weekend! We make Tom Savini uncomfortable!

In Real People News: 

In the past ten days, $10.2 billion dollars worth of marijuana have been confiscated in Fresno, California. When I asked my pot-smoking neighbor Chad “Kind Bud” Budderson for comment, he said: “Hey man, this is like, bullshit! Man, did you know that, like, President Obama has his own private field of weed, just like Kennedy and Thomas Jefferson, man? People gotta tell City Hall that, you know, you can make rope and glaucoma out of weed, bro! War on drugs, let's make it a war on shwag! Hahahahahaha...dude! Do you ever stop to think about...the universe?”

Gidget, the beloved illegal immigrant chihuahua who won America's hearts through her “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” ad, passed away at the ripe old age of 13 this week. And who had to pay for her medical care? The American Taxpayer, I'm sure!

Speaking of lovable chihuahuas, who doesn't want a five-legged one? We all would—that little vestigial leg is just more to love! The adorable puppy, named Lily, was rescued from a freak show on Coney Island at a cost of $4000. The fifth leg, located in the puppy's butt, made it impossible for Lily to sit, lay down or really even walk, but I would be two busy hugging and kissing her little nose to notice. Luckily, the new owners did notice and had the leg surgically removed, to the tune of $2000. I LOVE YOU 5-LEGGED PUPPY!

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

This week we discuss alchemy, camera technology, a first time guest host joins the show, and we review "As Above, So Below".  

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web