Horror Headlines: Friday October 23, 2009

I went to a midnight screening of SAW 6 last night. While I can hear the collective groan of most of you, I love those movies and this one is the best one yet. Lots of great kills, lots of smart twists and, weirdly, an incredibly persuasive health care reform stance. Jigsaw actually delivers a monologue about the insidiousness of the insurance companies and the need for change! Yes we can! Here's to hoping that SAW 7 3D will take a stance on high gas prices! “Greetings, Mr. Exxon. I'd like to play a game...”

Have you ever wanted to see Neve Campbell's moist, lip-quivering histrionics in the THIRD-DIMENSION? No? Well, sorry, but according to a Bloody Disgusting “exclusive”, Scream 4 will be shot in 3-D. Speaking of 3-D, Roger Ebert just wrote a great piece about how if you like 3-D you are an idiot. This Scream news really brings his point home.

Steve Niles confirms that 30 Days of Night: Dark Days is currently in production and starring such acting luminaries as...well, all that matters is that Diora Baird is headlining. I don't have to be a vampire to know what of hers I'd like to suck! (To clarify, it would be her breasts. Possibly her vagina, depending on her bathing habits.)

Rob Zombie, perhaps the greatest (horror) director of all-time, announced on his Myspace that his soon-to-be-classic Halloween 2 will be returning to theaters next weekend, just in time for the holiday. That's great news but, really Rob, Myspace? It's hard for me to defend you when you're still using an archaic social networking device as your primary news delivery system. Can we get a Facebook, or a Blogspot or something? I'd be willing to do it for you...

In Real People News: 

One time, when I was around 12 years old and living in Oklahoma City, my dad sent me to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. I would walk to the store because it was only a few blocks and, while the neighborhood wasn't the best, there was very rarely any violence. As I was walking back, carrying some steaks, some ice cream and a two-liter of diet Doc Shasta, two chipped-tooth teenage toughs came out from the side of an apartment and pulled a gun on me, demanding my groceries or else they would “put a cap in my foot”. My dad, an ex-cop, would always sit on the front porch with a .38 (this is obviously where I get my paranoia from) and, when he saw these kids pull a gun on me, he reacted quickly and shot one of the kids in the back, while the other one took off running. Needless to say, dinner tasted great and the little bastard was paralyzed for life. Why do I bring this up? Because if this guy carried a .38, he'd be eating a delicious chicken dinner tonight.

In good health? Speak English or Russian? Have a background and work experience in medicine, biology, life support systems engineering, computer engineering, electronic engineering or mechanical engineering? Then you are the perfect candidate for a simulated 520-day Mars mission! I prefer just going to Rekall. KUATO LIVES!

Remember when science was all about fact, or at least searching for the truth? Dr. Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr. Masao Ninomiya have announced their theory that the giant atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider is being “jinxed from the future to save the world”. Yep. Our best scientists believe that time-travelers are sabotaging the collider. In related news, guess who Obama just appointed as our new science czars!

On this day in history: 

In 1915, 30,000 women march on Fifth Avenue to advocate their right to vote. And so began the decline of America.

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