fowler fridays

So “Mr. Disgusting” over at Bloody Disgusting posted an “exclusive” synopsis of the upcoming remake of The Gate: “It revolves around Miles and Terry who live in a typical suburban tract. One day, they discover a mysterious crystalline rock in Miles' backyard, they quickly dig up the lawn in search of more. But instead, they unearth The Gate - the opening to an underground chamber containing terrifying evil. The boys soon realize what they have unleashed, as one dire event follows another. With supernatural fiends invading suburbia, it's up to the kids to find the secret that will lock forever THE GATE...If it is not too late.” Exclusive? Really?? Sorry, “Mr. Disgusting”, BUT THAT IS THE EXACT SAME PLOT OF THE ORIGINAL GATE!!! Is that really an “exclusive”??? This just in, we here at BGH have an exclusive synopsis about David Cronenberg's remake of The Fly: “A brilliant scientist, creating a teleportation machine, accidentally transports himself and a common housefly in the machine, with horrific chaos ensuing.” EXCLUSIVE!!! Just call me “Señor Grotesque”!!!

With Twilight becoming a total pop culture phenomenon, filmmakers are clamoring for anything Stephanie Meyer, so her first, ahem, “adult” novel "The Host" has been optioned. Pandering to the lonely, repressed female sci-fi crowd, "The Host" is a post-apocalyptic novel about, oh, I don't know, mutants that sparkle or something. I don't know. You know what I do know though? I think Stephanie Meyer is really hot. I would love to go on a date with her, pretend to listen to everything she says and then go back to her place and just bang her all night, and by all night, I mean for about an hour, upon which, I'll raid her fridge, which I'm sure is packed, watch some cable and pass out on her couch, only to wake up with her four or five cats sleeping on me. Somehow, she'll see this as a the opening of a meaningful relationship and we'll be together forever, just like Bella and Ricardo. (Ricardo's the dude's name, right?)

According to Variety, Dimension Films has unveiled their upcoming slate, which includes "Scream 4", "Spy Kids 4", "Halloween 3", "Children of the Corn", "Hellraiser", "Short Circuit", "Scanners" and "An American Werewolf in London", half of which will be in 3D. Thanks for running the third dimension into the ground, horror filmmakers! Funny enough, this slate is almost exactly similar to Dimension's slate in the late 90s, the same one that ran them into the ground and caused most of their releases to go direct-to-video. "Phantoms 2", please!

Oh, wait...here's something:

Eli Roth says that his slasher parody/homage “Thanksgiving” is still a “very real possibility” . YAWN, WANK. Do we, really as a collective of genre fans, really even care about announcements like this anymore? Where's “Trailer Park”, Eli? How's “Cell” coming along?? Here's my new rule: I refuse to get excited about anything, ever, until I see a trailer or, at the very least, a poster with a hard 'n' fast date.

You want some real news? How about that the novelization of the movie “Black Devil Doll” is out! Why is this so important? Because I wrote the introduction! Is this probably the most important book of our generation, if any generation? I would have to go out on a limb and say YES. Yes, it is. So don't be a racist and order a copy now! Order two!

The most anticipated, and let's be honest, probably best, horror film of 2009, Halloween 2, has been rated R by the MPAA for “strong brutal bloody violence throughout, terror, disturbing graphic images, language, some crude sexual content, and nudity” . To me, that's a Tuesday. You know the funny thing about horror fans? For all their griping and bitching, you know they're gonna be there opening weekend for this. Even mice are smart enough not keep touching the feeder bar if it keeps electrocuting them. Maybe that's why I think people decrying the flick are just doing it to get attention...ERIC.

Night of the Demons, or, as I call it be “Night of the Semens”, because I will undoubtedly be masturbating to Diora Baird as soon as it hits DVD, has sadly been pushed back from October 9 to February 2010. Hold tight, L'il Louis...hold tight.

Simon & Schuster has staked out September 29th for the release of their Hellraiser/Clive Barker tribute book Hellbound Hearts, featuring Cenobite tales from Neil Gaiman, Steve Niles, Richard Christian Matheson, Mike Mignola and, um, Mick Garris, who's pinning a story called “Hellbound Hollywood”, which I'm pretty sure is based on a Stephen King short story. Probably “Trucks”.

Ridley Scott, one of the most overrated directors of all time—yeah, I said it—has signed on to direct the prequel to “Alien”. The original movie made him famous and allowed him to direct such “classics” as “Legend” and “White Squall”. Even though writer Jon Spaihts is currently writing the screenplay, I've used my crystal ball, nicknamed “common sense”, and read the screenplay already: spaceship encounters the alien, alien gets into the ducts, the lights go out, the spaceship's inhabitants are offed one by one and a lone woman survivor takes him down. There, I saved you $10, two hours and countless wasted high hopes.

HBO's “True Blood”, or, as it really should be called, “Twilight for Adults”, has been renewed for a third season. That's at least six more weeks of shower-nozzle masturbation fantasies for the ladies!!!

Geez, it's been a while since we've heard anything from director Uwe Boll, hasn't it? Boll, one of the most underrated directors of all time, and better than Ridley Scott—yeah, I said it—has a new film in the works called “Rampage”, that looks like a deadly serious version of “Postal”, and we all know how much I loved “Postal”. Still, with Boll doing original material, doesn't it make you wistful for the good ol' days when he was just doing one video game adaptation after another? If there was ever a director to make a movie called “Minesweeper”, it would have been him.

Forest Whitaker and 50 Cent will play “intense” dueling personalities in the umpteenth retelling of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”, according to MTV. This makes me a bit mad because they both turned down my cop movie “Lazy Eye and Mumble Mouth: NYPD” to do it.

After he's done with “Alice in CGI-land”, Tim Burton's next movie will be a remake/retelling/reimagining of the 1960s cult vampire soap opera “Dark Shadows”. Let's place bets now that Johnny Depp is in it. Is it just me or is Tim Burton out of ideas? When he's not destroying the Ozone Layer applying copious amounts of Aquanet to his Robert Smith-like coif, I think that he's too busy rolling around naked in piles of money made off the fleshy backs of 30-year-old women who's wardrobe mainly consists of “Nightmare Before Christmas” hoodies to come up with anything original ever again. Seriously ladies, it's called TJ Maxx. Get yourself a nice pantsuit, on me.

Swarthy homunculus Danny DeVito, taking a break from banging that hot piece of ass known as Rhea Perlman, has started an original horror film website called “The Blood Factory”. Danny DeVito? Are they “short” films? Hahahahahaha...oh, wait, they are. I give the website a year, but, then again, that's what I said about Ted Danson's “Becker”, and that lasted at least three years, two of them HILARIOUS.

I don't know why it hasn't been pimped here, but how about you do yourself a favor and download “Who Wants a Tortilla?”, a joint project between BGH and Night of the Living Podcast, starring me and Chiz, and filmed at last spring's HorrorHound Weekend! We make Tom Savini uncomfortable!