Horror Headlines: Friday January 22nd, 2010
I love doing the news for BGH. I really do. But I hate waking up in the morning to do it. Waking up early is a white people thing. “Hey Bruce, what'ya doin' today?” “Why, I'm getting' up early, Steve!” You never hear Mexicans talk like that. As a Mexican, I can tell you from experience that the only thing a Mexican gets up early for is free taco day at the food stamps office. That's where I was this morning! Andele! Arriba, arriba! (shoots two pistols into the air)
Jason Momoa has been signed to star in Marcus Nispel's upcoming reimagining of “Conan The Barbarian”.While I am excited that a new Conan flick is on the horizon, don't you think he should look more like a Boris Vallejo painting and less like a dreadlocked hippie douchebag playing guitar while selling vegan burritos outside a Widespread Panic concert?
It looks like “Ghostbusters 3” is going to be in 3-D. Well, that's disheartening! Is sad to think that a movie of this legendary comedic pedigree, in order to sell it to idiotic audiences in this day and age, needs to resort to this irritatingly faddy 3-D upsurge. What's next? Justin Beiber as the newest recruit? A ghost who Tweets? Slimer relaxing with a Kindle??
Sam Jackson and Josh Duhamel are supposed to star in the next big angels vs. demons horror-thriller “Sympathy for the Devil”. In other news, Asylum has started rolling on the similarly-themed “(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction” starring Mario Van Peebles and Chad Lowe.
Music industry has-beens Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie, in a bid to gain some sort of opportunistic relevance, are coming together to write and record a new version of “We Are the World” for the victims of that Haiti thing. How much you wanna bet the Black Eyed Peas are gonna be on the front row? That's gonna date it quicker than a Cyndi Lauper solo! Instead of wasting your time caring about the redux, why not instead enjoy this highly offensive version from a Japanese variety show?
Want something that's going to haunt your nightmares? In Turkey, a sheep gave birth to a lamb...WITH A HUMAN FACE! AHHHHHHGHGHGH!!!! Isn't this a sign of the end times in the “Book of Revelations”??? If not, it should be!
Meet America's first legal male prostitute! He's a “well-read college dropout” who charges $300 an hour. Hey, I'm a well-read college dropout...how come I can barely get a free lunch out of my clients? Oh, yeah...the gut. I forgot. :(
In 1992, Rebel forces occupy Zaire's national radio station in Kinshasa and broadcast a demand for the government's resignation. Then, if that weren't bad enough, things got really dicey when Brendan Fraser and his band, the Lone Rangers, force the DJ to play their demo tape on the air in a bid to get a record deal.
Louis
Contributor
Louis Fowler is a pop culture critic who is a frequent contributor to Bookgasm, Exploitation Retrospect, Bloody Good Horror, Paracinema Magazine, Carbon 14, Pop Syndicate and The Hungover Gourmet. He's also had pieces featured in mags like Hitch, Scars, Okay Magazine, Eyeball and Microcinema Scene. He has written for such newspapers as the Fort Collins NOW, Rocky Mountain Chronicle, Rocky Mountain Bullhorn and the Colorado Springs Independent.
He's also the award-winning host of DAMAGED Hearing, Tuesdays at 1 PM, MST, on 88.9 KRFC-FM in Fort Collins, CO.
He wears husky jeans.