thanksgiving

ThanksKilling (REVIEW)

There exist certain openings in the pantheon of films that become timeless. They are lasting images that simultaneously tell you everything you need to know about the film you’re about to watch and become iconic images that transcend the film they’re in. Two enormous spaceships rocketing overhead locked in the heat of battle. A rugged archeologist grabbing a golden idol and outrunning a booby-trapped boulder. A baboon holding up a baby lion on a rock. “I was born a poor black child”. “They’re coming to get you Barbra”.

Horror Headlines: Friday November 6th, 2009

Thanks God this Halloween crap is over. Why don't horror fans get as excited about Thanksgiving? I'll take turkey and potatoes any day over bullshit candy. Grow up, people. Put on some khakis, that sweater your grandma made you and give thanks that we live in a country that allows a pathetic, 30-year-old man the right to spend $300 at a Halloween store for a crappy Freddy outfit that they are way too fat to wear. Amen. Pass the stuffing.

Zombieland? No, STAKE LAND, you dumb bitch! With the exception of the stupid tagline-- “A road movie...with teeth!” -- I think this might be cool. But, seriously, what is the deal with vampire film promotions and the use of the cliches “...with teeth!” or “...with bite!” Do you think that, the PR people, when sitting around in their offices, shooting wads of paper into a waste-basket with a basketball hoop over it, stumbling over one tagline after another that doesn't work, when they hit upon the “teeth” thing they high-five each other and snort coke off each other's balls in a celebratory circle-jerk because they think that they are the first ones to come up with it? They probably do.

Amy Heckerling, the has-been director of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, “Clueless” and some other shit, has signed on to direct the vampire romantic comedy “Vamps”, about “two young female vampires living the good life in New York until love enters the picture and each has to make a choice that will jeopardize their immort....”, oh shit, sorry, I just got my period all over the place. And on the day I chose to wear white pants!

Notorious schillers Bloody Disgusting have proclaimed that no-hit wonder Richard Kelly's “The Box” is “sure to deliver in more ways than one”. I learned this after trying to figure out how to close the annoying, full-screen roll-over ad for the damn movie, with absolutely no success. I ended up just opening another window to look at another site as the trailer continued to screen without any hope of skipping it. I think that, right now, we should all get on our knees and thank Eric and Mark for creating a website with no roll-over ads, pop-up ads or reviews based on how much the advertisers pay us. On the other hand, DRINK PEPSI, THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION!

In Real People News: 

A Denver Blockbuster video employee stabbed himself in the leg to get out of work because he was afraid of getting written up for his torn work-pants. Whatever happened to faking diarrhea? Hell, I almost faked diarrhea just to get out of writing today's news!

Have you ever wanted to die, just to see how people at your funeral would react? A Brazilian bricklayer, thought to have been killed an a car-crash days earlier, showed up at his own funeral. According to witnesses, a loud “DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!” played on the soundtrack while an aged dowager proclaimed “Gasp and swoon, I've got the vapors!” while passing out in the most dramatic way possible.

A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is in deep diarrhea after donning black-face to complete a Li'l Wayne costume. When are white people gonna learn that there's no place for black-face in today's culture, especially when entertainers like Li'l Wayne do a good enough job of putting it on themselves?

On this day in history: 

In 1918, The Second Polish Republic is proclaimed in Poland. The celebration was put on hold though as the country's citizens were unable to get out from inside their locked cars. Don't get me started on the screen-door submarine fleet! POLISH!

Horror Headlines: Friday August 21st, 2009

If there's one thing I can always promise you, it's not to BS you. Your time is valuable and really, you should be doing something more productive with your work time than screwing around on horror websites. That being said, there is no horror news today. Well, at least nothing worth noting. I mean, do you really care that Karl Urban has been cast in something called “Priest”?

Oh, wait...here's something:

Eli Roth says that his slasher parody/homage “Thanksgiving” is still a “very real possibility” . YAWN, WANK. Do we, really as a collective of genre fans, really even care about announcements like this anymore? Where's “Trailer Park”, Eli? How's “Cell” coming along?? Here's my new rule: I refuse to get excited about anything, ever, until I see a trailer or, at the very least, a poster with a hard 'n' fast date.

You want some real news? How about that the novelization of the movie “Black Devil Doll” is out! Why is this so important? Because I wrote the introduction! Is this probably the most important book of our generation, if any generation? I would have to go out on a limb and say YES. Yes, it is. So don't be a racist and order a copy now! Order two!

In Real People News: 

Porn studios have been accused of violating workplace safety, according to OSHA. Yes, OSHA regulates porn—who knew! I'd like to see the workplace safety manual for that. Even better, it would be hilarious if it got mixed up with, say, a fast food joint's manual—extra “secret sauce” for me! (And by sauce, I mean jism.)

Mexico, in a bold move, has decriminalized marijuana. When I asked my pot-smoking neighbor Chad “Kind Bud” Budderson for comment, he said: “Hey bro...hold on, let me turn down the Dave Matthews Band...OK. So Mexico says it's cool to carry the sticky-icky? Bro, they are so ahead of us in, like, laws and stuff. Some lawyers need to take make some laws so we can get that shit over here, dude, or I'm moving to Cancun, brah! Sun up, wake 'n' bake...um, what was I talkin' about?”

On this day in history: 

In 1959, President Eisenhower proclaims Hawaii the 50th state in the Union. Only two years later, our current President, Barack Obama, would be born in Kenya. YEAH I WENT THERE.

Horror Headlines: April 20th, 2009

Rumor has it that FOX Atomic, Fox's genre wing responsible for pictures such as "The Hills Have Eyes 2", "28 Weeks Later" and "Turistas", will be shut down next week. No word on how this may affect "Jennifer's Body", Diablo Cody's new film which was produced under the banner.

"True Blood" Season 2 teaser poster. And here I am continuing to report on it despite our readers telling me they're not interested. Yes, I am dense. It's also a slow news day, so bear with me.

Eli Roth's out talking more about "Thanksgiving" after the announcement last week that he would like to piggyback it onto a bigger budget film of his. This time he says he's writing it with his longtime friend Jeff Rendell, who will also play "The Pilgrim".

According to Patrick Lussier, there will be no "My Bloody Valentine 3D" sequel. That comes from Lions Gate, who were surprised at the film's BO success but not too jazzed about greenlighting a second go-round. The film is plenty open-ended for them to have done one, but apparently they're calling it a day with this potential franchise. "MBV3D" hits DVD and Blu-ray May 19th.

In Real People News: 

9-year-old kid dies in Brooklyn after going up to the top of his roof with a plastic parachute, and taking a swan-dive off of it. His parents said he was imitating Jeff Hardy of the WWE, and that it was a "game he played all the time".

Here's a new one, female teacher gets fired for taking 4 students to an all male strip club. You always hear about creepy guy teachers doing stuff like this, it's nice to see the women getting in on the "questionable decision" game. Now that's equality!

On this day in history: 

1979: President Jimmy Carter is attacked by a Killer Swamp Rabbit, while on vacation in Plains GA. The rabbit swam menacingly towards him, and he had to repel the ferocious creature with a paddle. There were no injuries. That's what happens when you elect a President from the South, folks.

Eli Roth's Big Budget Monster Mash

Eli Roth, the guy that genre fans love to hate and hate to love, spoke with MTV recently and told them all about his ambitious plans when it comes to his career. They include a big-budget sci-fi monster movie, as well as a twist that will no doubt please fans of "Grindhouse".

“I don’t want to say what [the monster is] yet,” Roth teases to MTV. “Once it gets set up, I will let everyone know. It is not aliens or robots or a virus - it’s a little more grounded. But when people hear it they are going to be like ‘That is going to be insane!’.”

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