paranormal activity 5

Horror Headlines: Friday July 19th, 2013

"Nothing Left to Fear" is a new horror film being produced by Slash that follows a family who move into a small town and find they're living near one of the gates to hell. It's just been slapped with an October 5th limited theater run before coming to DVD and Blu-Ray on October 8th. Little known fact, Slash has a belly button ring. That top hat isn't so cool anymore is it?

Sony Pictures has picked up the rights to "Grace", a new horror flick that is shown entirely through the eyes of an 18 year old girl being terrorized by evil forces. Alexia Fast will play the lead role and Alan Dale, Lin Shaye and Joel David Moore will co-star. I'm just going to come out and say what we're all thinking. People with three names are unnatural.

A couple days ago I mentioned how it looked like "Paranormal Activity 5" was going to be pushed to a 2014 release date rather than its planned October 25th, 2013 launch. Well now it looks like the film actually won't see the light of day until October 2014 and instead we'll see the Spanish spin off film in January. Well you'll see it. I won't. I don't speak Spanish and I have no desire to see it. Unless those strippers from the Telemundo evening news are in it. Then I'm onboard.

Of course there's a "Sharknado" sequel coming. You ironic pricks on twitter made this happen. God have mercy on your soul.

In Real People News: 

It's only July but I believe we have found our mother of the year in the form of this 25 year old Florida woman who left her 3 and 4 year old children in the car while she went to a Lil Wayne concert. Bravo!

Of course I might have spoken too soon. Here's a Texas woman who burnt her son's mouth with a spoon and hit him with a screwdriver as punishment for... well being her son I guess. It's a toss up who wins this really.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 17th, 2013

Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights already sounds pretty dandy with a "Cabin In the Woods" maze being announced this year and now there's news that a "Evil Dead" maze will be landing in both Hollywood and Orlando parks. I for one am very excited for the opportunity to see a morbidly obese man dressed up as Ash. I think that's probably the way we'd all want it at least.

"The Conjuring" doesn't come out until this Friday but New Line is throwing caution to the wind and already working on a sequel for the film. Based on what's supposed to a be a true story the film follows paranormal investigators who try to help a family being terrorized by an evil spirit. Early reviews have been decent, there's a solid chance this will be a hit and I've been sleeping pretty well so I say let's just go for it.

Good news? Platinum Dunes producer Brad Fuller took to the twitters to answer the question of when a "Friday the 13th" sequel would begin production. It looks like fairly soon actually, within the next month once they finish off their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles project. I can't begin to tell you how filthy that last sentence made me feel.

I completely forgot that this movie was happening but it looks like "Paranormal Activity 5" is being pushed to next year, with a January 6, 2014 being lined up. No word on why the change is being made but if I was a betting man I'd put my money on... honestly I have no idea. Trouble finding the right cleavage for the film? They've got to be running out of actresses who are willing to prance around in a tank top pretending to be afraid of ghosts at this point.

In Real People News: 

Being pregnant has got to be pretty miserable and I can imagine towards the end you've got to be looking for any way to get things going. But this woman who was struck by lightning and then gave birth probably would've just put up with the constant peeing for a couple more weeks. I don't know though. I don't have lady parts.

Here's what you've been waiting for. A half hour infomercial for the 2013 Gathering of the Juggalos.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 28th, 2013

Finally I can start wearing my white short shorts again. I love the summer time.

The plot of "The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)" is being kept under lock and key but the news that the film will feature a 500 person long ATM showboat along with a casting call sheet that implies the film will take place in a prison has got us all in a flutter. No confirmation on if the rumors are true but let's be honest, we'll all be sobbing when the final credits roll so it doesn't really matter how it happens. Kind of like when you saw "Return of the Jedi" and you realized the saga was over.

Good news nerds! The "Day of the Dead" Blu-ray has finally been given a release date. September 17th is the day you'll be able to get your grubby hands on the flick, which is actually been released before, but with a crappy ass transfer that looked like it was being played on a silver VCR or something. This version will also be chock full of special features to get you all giddy over. You see the original VCRs were silver. That's the joke here. A silver VCR would be super old.

Spike Lee's "Oldboy" remake has gotten itself a new release date in the form of October 25th, 2013. That just so happens to be the same release date as "Paranormal Activity 5". I know. Drama! I think the important thing to keep in mind here is that we may not have to watch "Paranormal Activity 5" for the podcast now. I will begin drafting my thank you letter to Spike Lee immediately.

Looks like there's a solid chance that the Eli Roth produced Netflix series "Hemlock Grove" will get a second season. Nothing is confirmed but a higher up at Netflix noted that they're looking at pitches for the second season and looking for a storyline. I have no idea if this is good news or not. Let's just comment on how Eli Roth is a charming son of a bitch and move on.

In Real People News: 

Here's a heartwarming story about a North Carolina woman who had her son arrested for stealing her Pop Tarts. If they were the chocolate ones I think I understand this. If it was strawberry this whole thing is stupid.

Who says meth heads are all bad? Why here's a Mississippi man who was all whacked out but still had the thoughtfulness to want to make sure his dog got into heaven. Of course he set his dog on fire to help him get there but still, his heart was in the right place.

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