Stitches

Stitches (REVIEW)

It’s interesting to look at the state of horror these days. Thankfully it’s fairly strong in numbers with releases happening every month. If you'll pardon the digression, my two cents on the state of horror helps to explain my feelings on "Stitches" more accurately.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 20th, 2013

It's confirmed folks, "Star Wars" "Jurassic Park". I know it seems kind of obvious but Kathleen Kennedy has made it official by stepping down from the producer role on the fourth installment of the dino series in order to take on that role in the next "Star Wars" film. Han Solo battling a T-Rex. Now that's a movie I'd like to see.

Jason Clarke, of big old drunk in "Lawless" fame, is the latest name to be tagged to "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes". No real word on what role he'll play but I swear to god if there's a drinking monkey in this movie it will be my favorite film of the year.

Because it would kill me to go more than three days without some casting news for the new "Zombieland" series coming to Amazon here's some news about Kirk Ward being confirmed for a role. Ward will play one of the leads in the series, I assume based solely on the fact that he looks a lot like Woody Harrelson.

I don't know why you have to make a movie about a clown returning from the grave to bring vengeance on a group of kids that let him die but "Stitches" is just such a film. It's also a film that's been slapped with an April 1st release date on VOD and Blu-Ray. April fools day, I get it. Honestly though they could just show a bunch of real clowns sitting around drinking coffee and it would be scary as hell.

In Real People News: 

The new law I learned this week? Apparently it's illegal to drive around Michigan while sucking on a dildo. Put it in the books.

It's got to be exciting when you win the lottery. So exciting that you'll probably want to throw a party. Maybe such a big party that you mistakenly blow up your house while torching up some meth. It is nice to see some younger folks winning for once at least.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, May 31st, 2012

If you know one thing about me it's that I love... LOVE... Japanese Sci-Fi novels. I can't get enough of them. So the news that my all time fave book, "Tokisuna no Ou (The Lord of the Sands of Time)" is being turned into a big time movie. For those of you not as cool as me the book is about a group of people sent back in time to try to stop an alien invasion that wiped out the human race. Wait if they wiped out the human race how are the people alive to go back? Oh jeez ya got me, I have no idea what this thing is.

So last week we talked about how Sean Durkin had been lined up to do a new mini series based on "The Exorcist", telling the tale that leads up to where the first film picked up. Well it turns out that was a lie, or at least that's what William Peter Blatty, the author and rights holder of the story, says. And I'd guess he would know. But good news is he's got his own mini-series based on the novel that he's hoping to pimp out. So ya know, first sweet, then sour. They should make a candy based on this too.

"Monster Butler" sounds like it would be a laugh out lound romp but in reality it's about a real life serial killer/theif/bi-sexual con man. Not nearly as funny as a mutant that walks around a mansion serving caviar and crap. Dominic Monaghan and Gary Oldman have been added to the cast. Neither of them are funny though. This is the most un-funny post ever.

Conor McMahon's zombie killer clown flick "Stitches" has been picked up by the fine folks at Kaleidoscope Entertainment and Signature Entertainment for a Halloween release in the U.K. No news on when it'll hit these fine States so this one is all for your Brits. Let's call it even for that whole tea party thing.

In Real People News: 

Not going to lie this has happened to me on more than 1 occasion and I've thought of doing the same thing. An Ohio man rammed his truck into a Taco Bell after they forgot to give him his taco. His did this over a taco. I drove all the way home once and realized they forgot my Mexi-Melt. I should be given an award for not burning the whole thing down. They did give me free cinna-sticks for my trouble though. So I guess that was kind of nice.

A 35 year old Alabama woman is under arrest after she decided to take a drive down to Florida, pull over on the side of the road, and go to town on herself while sitting on the hood of her car while passing motorists watched. I thought Florida had enough problems with its own crazy people now they have to worry about people from other states coming there to do their weird crap.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 9th, 2011

I have no idea why anyone would want to visit Russia when their greatest commodity is already dancing at Private Eyes up on 45th and 8th, but the movie "The Darkest Hour" tells the story of a group of travelers stuck in Moscow during an alien invasion. A new poster for the flick has popped up online and it looks like all hell is breaking loose in Mother Russia. I hope this doesn't make people lose their place in line for bread.

Everybody hates clowns. Unless they're slutty clowns on Halloween, most people are on board with that. But an undead clown, that changes everything. The movie is titled "Stitches" and it tells the tale of a clown who returns from the grave to take out his vengeance on a group of teenagers who caused his death some years ago. It's a horror comedy and it's British so that means there's going to be a lot of bad teeth gags and Spam jokes. I assume. Most of what I know about the UK comes from Austin Powers and Monty Python.

"Hatchet" director Adam Green has confirmed "Killer Pizza", a new romp about a teen who takes a summer job at a pizza parlor that turns out to be the front for a monster hunting agency. The good people at MGM will be putting out the film so it might actually have some money behind it. God willing that doesn't mean they'll leave out the Kane Hodder sex scene.

If there's one thing Rob Zombie's witch revenge flick "The Lords Of Salem" has been missing it's sex appeal. Well good news you ornery little skanks, Sid Haig has officially joined the project as one half of a witch hunting duo. Boner time!

In Real People News: 

I like it! A Colorado man when ape shit yesterday when his local Best buy ran out of "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3". The 31 year old became so upset that he threatened to shoot employees in the parking lot and blow up the store if they didn't get him his game. I hope they have Xbox in jail.

A threesome can ruin any relationship. Sure you want to see your wife go to sexy town with another woman now but once things start to actually happen you get to thinking about how this might effect the long term relationship. So it's understandable that this guy in Florida might have freaked out a little when his wife brought another women into the bedroom. What isn't understandable is that he took out his frustration on the two women by going all Ike Turner on them. That's going to probably cause more damage than the hot action.

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